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Creative Writing Corner 2

Creative Writing Corner 2

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyright© 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
 

Back Up

 B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 02, 2001

S1

First I would like to say that this site has helped me tremendously in understanding exactly why I was so confused. I was beginning to think that I was losing my mind, battling with depression etc. ect. This site has changed my whole outlook on life relationships and surviving. That is happily surviving. The choice, the right to educate yourself; to better yourself and be totally happy and "free at last" to make your own choices and feel comfortable with them even if you fall flat on your face. You can always get up and try something else. But to be free, to do what you want without having someone standing over you watching; waiting, for you to fail, to berate you for being an "Independent Woman" To not be with someone that you know really doesn't love you is exhilarating. To finally know your true worth; to believe in yourself; to love yourself first; no matter what. These are all the things that I feel after leaving, going through all the crap that a sociopath can and will put you through. I have come to this conclusion. If you can and are surviving a relationship with a sociopath you can survive anything it is so much easier when they are gone. They "DO" drain you emotionally; physically; and whichever way they can; drain you, they will ,only if you allow it. Wake up Ladies and smell the Roses they are out there. It is easier said than done ;work on it one step at a time. Don't linger on trying to figure out their problems for they are to many. You can't fix someone else with or without love. Fix yourself first. I am 47, a mother of three daughters, all well and independent. How I allowed myself to become the victim is still somewhat of a mystery to me but I am working on it. Codependency is a tragic burden to carry but it is curable, one day at a time. don't give up. Life is to wonderful to waste on someone, that believe me really doesn't care if its not about him. I learned so much from this site keep reading. Read it all. Remember, "Yesterday is History; Tomorrow a Mystery; Today is a gift that is why they call it the Present" Take this site as a present to begin anew to learn and to grow. Good Luck it is a difficult road to travel but if your reading this your probably used to that; so why not do something difficult to make things easier instead of running in confusing circles for nothing. I hope I don't sound to full of myself but it is so empowering to finally be able to love yourself even if no one else does. Except for your kids :))Happy with my freedom its not so scary after all. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 03, 2001

S1

--------

+D Art Project. ----------

What do YoU think?

The following is a part of an ongoing project. Please take/make your part. It will take as long as you want it to.

Read the following sets of words, then within this original text, perhaps in a different colour; make comments, rewrite, be rude, express! or even just x or / [for tick], then e mail it back to me at debsw@bigfoot.com

If possible mark ones that you would particularly like to get rid of or, really like for some reason. Feel free to write your own as well.

Finally, please relate some first thoughts that were forthcoming.

1. People can change if they realize their mistakes.

2. The fear of leaving is greater than the actual leaving itself.

3. To find yourself, think for yourself.

4. Even when you think you don’t love someone, there should still be a level of decency.

5. There is always the possibility of a positive future.

6. Much of what is abusive is not recognized as such, but over years a serious imbalance will emerge.

7. Love can be the cause of ; ........ [enter word/s]

9. If you think you are too small to be effective, you’ve never met a mosquito.

10. Love and respect yourself and others, and you will attract the same back.

11. Every end is a new beginning.

12. There is always the possibility of a positive future.

13. Emotions are very good at pulling a person in 2 different directions at once.

14. Do you live in fear? Do you cause fear in another?

15. How long do you think you can go on with ways, that you know you should change?

16. We can all work to improve our relations to others.

17. A person may damage your past, but don't let them damage your future.

18. Doubt is a pain too lone ly to know that its twin brother is Faith .

19. Do you give the kind of respect that you expect?

20. What goes around comes around.

Thanks for your time, I hope any thinking it has impulsed was interesting. The results are part of a larger project which may end up in the public domain. By 'forwarding/responding this back to me I assume you give me permission for the use of your response, which will be presented anonymously.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 04, 2001

S1

Hi, I am new to this site, so do not know if I am posting something in the right area? And have NEVER posted anything like this before! Have been married 27 yrs.; tho, all of years have not been matrimonial bliss. There have been many times of leaving one another. Just a couple weeks ago, I had an attack of: I MUST get out of this! So while husband was gone, I packed things up, got a recent friend to put things in her car. She then asked: Are you SURE you want to do this and do you want to talk about this? I broke down crying and decided that I could not leave. Then went with her to town and stopped at a domestic violence shelter to inform them that I had changed my mind. Some of the problems in leaving are that 27 years is a long time of marriage to leave. My husband has serious medical problems and I do not want to contribute to anything that could possibly be fatal. And there are fears of 'how' I would survive not having worked over the years. Limited skills and not a college grad! Taking risks to walk out is great. My health is not up to snuff having learned recently of diabetes and my nerves are not good as when younger. I am at a stalemate and think that perhaps staying 'for me' is the best alternative.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 05, 2001

S1

The Sad Girl

There once was a girl who lived in a small house, with a small life, and small ideas. "Oh, to be happy," she would say with all the hope she could muster. But happiness would not come to her. She smiled often, fake smiles, to mask her pain. She tried to make things better by doing things for others but to no avail was she happy. The girl just could not be happy no matter what. The girl tried to think of all the things in her life that were good and the things were so small compared to others she figured they did not count. One day the girl was thinking about her life and everybody who yelled at her and talked about her behind her back. She decided she could not take anymore and she started to walk. She hoped she could walk away from her life. The girl knew her failures would always follow her wherever she went and so she ran and ran far away. When the girl came to a bridge she jumped. And as she fell, she smiled, a real smile.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 07, 2001

S1

Hello,

I now believe I am a victim of psychological verbal abuse. My Mom is a victim as well. I would like to see if there are other people in a similar situation, if so [please e-mail me-jdecarli@gwu.edu].

Since I have been away at medical school I have noticed things being different, when I come home to visit. But after I talk with my Mom she says it is ok. But things are progressing more. When I am home my Dad just orders my Mom around. Not even ask or tell, just say and you better do. He always say, "you better or else" or he says "I swear I am going to beat the living daylights out of you", or ""my God all mighty I am warning you don't rawl me or else". These were getting pretty routine at home. I did not like it. It was not fair or the way I was brought up to treat people. I knew it was wrong but did not really know. Was it my Dad's medication? Was it that it was just his way? Nevertheless, I still did not like it. My Mom does everything. They are both retired now. But my Dad made my Mom sell her business because when he went in for back surgery he did not want her to have that responsibility, which it was her life and she loved it. My Mom paid the bills, worked full time, had already raised the children, cleans, cooks, does the laundry, etc., etc., etc.. Then if she does not do it right, he yells at her. Or when after she cooks something good, he says "well it is good, but...". He never says anything positive to her. My Mom and I when I come home to visit would always stay up and talk even after my dad goes to sleep. Eat some ice cream and talk. But lately I come home and when he goes to bed, he just yells "come on lets get to bed". And not in a nice way either, more like in a very threatening way. It just is not right I thought.

But one situation made me realize something had to be wrong, was when my Mom called me when I was in medical school back east. My Mom calls and said Dad had suddenly given the car away to their grandson because he needed a car. So he went and purchased a new one right out of the blue. He just stopped at a dealer to look and before my Mom knew it he got one. Well she told me it was way too expensive and that she told him. She did not know what to do. Not to mention my mom likes a station wagon because its easier her to put groceries in and she likes it. So he gets a sedan. First my parents are doing ok financially, but my Dad tends to spend and spend. Well sure enough after a few months they could not keep up with payments and insurance. Finally my Dad finds out. He blows and tells everyone that my mom messed everything up and was going to loose the car. Anyway we got things up to date. But my Dad tells everyone now that my mom has Alzheimer's disease and is betting bad so he does everything now. But he does not because he cannot even write a check. He makes her write it. Anyway, I study Alzheimer's disease and my Mom does not have those symptoms. Something I am scared of too is he always leaves articles around the house on Alzheimer's disease. He ordered some non-FDA approved medication once. But I got upset and threw them away. I am so afraid he might convince her into taking them.

He now tells her friends and family she is really bad and he is tired because he has to do everything now.

My Dad hated talking on the phone because he is hard of hearing and does not want to wear his hearing aids. So most of my life he never talked on the phone or could even hear the phone ring. Suddenly without hearing aids, he now answers the phone always. My mom never gets to answer it anymore.

My Mom used to have friends over to entertain or to just have coffee in the morning. But nobody ever comes over anymore. People tell me they used to like to talk with my Mom when she came into the local grocery store. She is always so happy and caring. But they tell me she never is at the store anymore. When she is my Dad is with her. Funny he used to hate going shopping. Now he is an expert nutritionist now.

This last summer I was in eastern Canada, so I flew my parents out because they love to travel. And I love doing things with them. But my Dad kept getting upset. Like if we did not do what he wanted all the time he got upset. Also he watched everything my Mom did. If she wanted to walk to see something, he ran over to her saying, what are you doing. you don't need to do that. We stayed at this one B & B and right before we left the owner took a picture of us. My Mom hung her purse on the chair we had the photograph on and got to talking and we left it there. Later at the marine my mom realized. Well my Dad got in, started taking control suddenly he is taking control running around looking for it and going crazy. Making my mom feel terrible. He kept yelling and saying see you forget, you cannot do anything right. Later my Mom and I went to the house the lady said she looked but did not see it. My Dad later said go to the house and look for it or she left it at the boat. Anyway we did go back to the house again and got it. But my Dad just kept blaming her saying well it is ok you do not mean to forget like you do I know that. See you just need to understand that you do forget a lot. But I will be there for you. It had nothing to do with him, we got to talking and forgot it.

Later in that trip he kept being like that. If my mom was getting something in her purse or bag he was there, what are you doing as he shakes his head. Later in the trip out airline tickets came in the mail, because we had decided to stay longer. So I told my mom since I have my one ticket and you have yours why don't we put them all together. So I was going to put them in my travel bag. Then for some reason my Dad was getting upset because we were taking too long so we left the hotel quickly, to keep the baby from getting mad.

Anyway several days latter at the airport, I could only find my ticket. I thought my mom gave it to me. So I asked my Mom, but my dad will not let her answer. My Mom felt stressed I could tell because of how my dad it. She hesitated and he interrupted and made some horrible comment that made her begin to cry. I thought he was so inconsiderate. It was not a way to find something by making someone nervous. Anyway he kept saying to her, and yelling, see I told you cannot do anything, you forget and are getting so bad. Well it turned out that I purchased new tickets, but I did find their tickets in my travel bag. I felt so bad and told my mom she told my dad but he acted like I was just covering for her. He has no respect for her at all.

When we got home he blew again. But this time in our house yelling and screaming at my Mom and I. Anyway, it does not matter why but he was getting pushy with my Mom. And yelling right in her face saying I am warning you, I sear I am going to beat you". He was slamming doors and throwing things around. Well my brother was down from up north and wanted to see us before he left that night. So we were going to visit them. But my Dad said he was too mad to go. So I thought ok my Mom and I will. But he order her to stay and that she could not go, because he said she needed to unpack and wash clothes and get groceries (but I know he would go with her). But then for the first time ever I confronted my Dad and said in a calm manner, Dad we are just going to see Ron because he will be going back home and we will not get to see him and I am sure mom will like to. She said yes I would. My dad got really made and said you people #$#%@@#$#@$. I am sure you got the idea now. Anyway he decided to go with us now. WE back out drove out of our gate in our community and he was yelling still. All of a sudden still him yelling telling my mom and I how bad we are and terrible we are to him. So he says let me out of this car now. He orders me to. So he begins to get out while I am still driving and moving. Anyway he closed the door and says turn this #$#$@# car around and take me home. I did. Then he yelled more. And said turn it around I am gringo I am getting upset now my mom is crying my dad is making no sense. So I decide he is acting like a baby I will treat him like one. Ok I am taking you home now, period. So I stop at the gate. He still yelling now. But we had a rental car because we were returning it and picking up our at my uncles (another story that does make sense though). But anyway, we did not have out remote to gain access. So I begin to ring a friend. My Dad is still yelling and my Mom steps in to stop because people are going to hear you. Then he gets mad and orders me out of the car. Then my Mom begins to cry as he yells at her more. Then my mom gets out and my Dad says to my Mom get back in this car and he orders me to leave and he wants to keys because he wants my Mom in the car with him and he wants to "ram" this car into something and wreck it. Oh I think he is crazy now. No way I say I leave my mom leaves. Then he yells and says I am a baby and I am terrible #@$@#$#@$ so on. Finally he decides on lets go. Oh not again I thought. So we leave. Evidentially the police just arrived at my house right after we left. While on the road he yells and yells and tells us to listen because he wants us to know what he thinks about us, because he will only say it once. I think cool, then he will stop. But no he keeps saying the same things over saying I will only say it one. FINALLY, and I was very proud of my Mom, she blew. Like I never seen her blow. She made a direct order to him, you say you are going to say this once but you keep going and going, and not stop , you keep staying will not go on but you do... She was great!! He stopped. Pouted, but stopped.

For all I did that is what I got for spending my money and time for wanting to do something nice with my parents. He never said sorry or anything. Acted like nothing was wrong.

The next several months I got so depressed and could not keep my classes up. I just kept waking up with nightmares hearing him say those things to us. I thought I was going gray. Well I talked to people and it helped a little. I thought if I could keep things calm perhaps I could talk to him. Usually I talk with my Mom she is great. But sometimes she gets tires of it and wants to side with him and say he is so nice now. It makes my crazier.

Well Christmas this year was horrible. I love the holidays, friends, and family. my Mom always buys the gifts and enjoys it. My dad did not let her get one gift. She likes to decorate and wrap them but no he did them all. Then she loves to make dinner. WE are full Italian my Mom loves to cook. But now he said she cannot and had my older sis do everything. It was terrible my mom likes people out of her kitchen but my dad stayed right there and told my sis to stay because she has to be watched.

Anyway things got better along the way. This past month I took my parents and their best friends to Las Vegas. We were having a great time. My dad likes to gamble. So we let him every so often and did not mind. Although none of us liked to. But we let him. One night he wanted to go on the gondola ride at Venetia at the hotel we were staying at. We were all tired and it was like 12 am, so we had three more days there so we wanted to go to the room. Well he wanted to go so he got mad and went to gamble. We thought oh well. So we watched a movie and had desert and a great time. He came is like at 4am. In the morning we had already thought we could go on the gondola rides later. So he checks it out and it was booked so we could not get in till like 4pm. Well he did not want to wait that long. So we thought so we wait or come back. If you want to go it is ok. He got made and said not I am not waiting that late. And I think it is rude of you all, because I really wanted to ride them. I did not know why we have ridden them in Italy. But anyway we would have stayed but he got pissed at us because they were booked till later. Anyway my mom told my dad to please calm down, well that did it he blew. Ran off. Our friends met us we told them what had happened, but hits time the truth. So after our friends came back from the restroom we looked for him at the casino. Thought we would find him to see what he wants to do the rest of the day. Well he blew up. Like that right there. Yelled at me told me I sure know how to wreck a trip and all. I thought what did I do. I said Dad please calm down we can go on the rides later we just want to know what to do. He started pointing his finger in my face and yelling at me. I was so ashamed, embarrassed, because I am proud of my parents, everyone likes them, I like them. He hurt me again, so bad by telling me again I was a baby, I wreck the whole trip again. Later he told our friends that he should have beaten the licing daylights out of me right then. I wish he would have. but it hurt knowing this because they said he said next time he will and wants too. I thought some kids hate their parents, some are one drugs, I love doing things with my parents, have gone to Oxford University and have serial graduate degrees and have done quite well and enjoy sharing it with my parents because they have done so much for me. But why me, why does he do this.

It was good though that trip we opened it up to our friends. Talked a lot. They said they love my parents and my Dad he is nice and caring but he treats your Mom like crap they said and it makes them mad. My Moms best friend there said that my mom calls her more than a few times per week sometimes, and crying saying he is so bad with her.

Something else I found out while we were talking was that the police have come to our house another time, but my Mom never told me. The same reason. But he is more threatening now. I am not sure if he really will hit me or my mom since he says it more often now.

Not only that he tells he how bad she is to everyone, and to her face and while she hears him tell others as well. I hate that. I have heard him tell others that I don't like cannot accept how my mom forgets so I am not doing good either. I thought I study this gees.

I talked with our neighbors next door and told them about my dad. They said they were so surprised he is so nice everyone likes him. But they said now things make sense though. Often your mom has been lately crying and telling us she should just leave. But we say no he is nice you are just having a bad day things will get better. But now they realize that is not good to say, which is a good thing. They also said that my Dad has told them and others that my mom is getting really bad now and that he has to do everything now. But they told me that right after he talked to them they had just talked with her and said she seems fine to us. So maybe he is using this as a way of controlling her more. Also they told me that they remember when they moved in a few years ago that your mom always answered the phone, now she never does. And he is always right there when she is talking.

I am scared, I am very scared. My oldest sisters are just like my Dad, controlling. They believe my dad that he did not mess the car up my mom did. That she is bad she messed up the finances. No actually it was my dad making a rash choice, and giving the car to my sis's son because they are always on welfare and needing something from Mom and Dad. He needs to take responsibility for his action. I cannot depend on them now. When they are together they talk about my Mom like she is crazy but my dad is a saint.

I love the holidays but I am scared now because all it is complain about my mom putting her down and my sisters controlling everything in her house. If you go to my sis house I hate it there she yells at you for everything. Like for example, when you are walking in her house she yells close the door. I thought le me come if first gees. I never go there anymore and am embarrassed to bring friends there.

I used to go fishing with my dad, but no more. I got him new reels and equipment but no more. We used to swim together, no more.

I don't know what to do. I love my parents I want to continue doing things with them and making them part of my life. But it is like my Dad wants me away because he knows I will not put up with him treating my Mom that way. Sometimes like now in his calming stage, my mom is happy he buys her gifts and stuff, so she doe snot like it that I am still upset about this. It is like he is getting his way, me out and her to him. She is like being sucked into his manipulation. I hate this. I talk with people they do not understand verbal and psychological abuse. I rather hitting, please hit, so you will go to jail. But if you talk with the police they say, did he hit you, not well did he do anything physical to you, no, then it is just a family sociable. Things will be fine go home. I say @#$#@$$#@ that!

I so want to make my mom realize what is going on. I have talked with her and she said she would read this book on verbal abuse. But she has not. It makes me upset then she blows me off because I feel like he is getting to her. It is not right. Does anyone know what I can do? Please help. I just want to end it all. If someone can contact my mom maybe that will work. I am not sure. I know my mom needs me but I cannot function right anymore, I really want to just end it. Please contact me and thank you so much for your time in reading this.

May you have a great day and may this day be the first day of something special. Ciao!!!

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 09, 2001

S1

This poem was written for a friend and is dedicated to anyone in a similar situation.

SIMPLE THINGS

Lord I ask that you give the strength Lord I ask that you give me the will To live my life To control my life To appreciate my life That is what I ask for Lord

I am tired, so very tired I have so much on my mind Sometimes forget who I am And doing this put me in a jam Letting the small pebbles drop into the ocean Never knowing that it will become a massive waves That distorts my vision and my ways On what to expect and what to accept From a person who supposed to love you Lord is it love? Is that how a man is supposed to treat you?

Lord I know I have one life And I wanted to be treated right I like the simple things in life I like to laugh and smile I like to bring warmest and kindness I like help people relieve their stress Just the simple things Lord

So, please give me the strength To be in control of my life To be strong for my children and me To set an example how life is supposed to be This is what I want Just the simple things

Please help me Lord I can’t do it on my own Cause he is in my heart and my head And his words cloud my mind And I find myself still with him all the time So I need your help Not to be manipulated Not to be aggravated Not to be stressed All I want is to be blessed Loved, cared for, and appreciated And respected Just the simple things

BY: Cyrus Christopher Culp

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 09, 2001

S1

Comments or suggestion please e-mail @ www.cyrus0217@aol.com The author of "Simple Things." Thanks

 B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 09, 2001

S1

Love? by Christina Gourlay

my love, my love i love you please understand sometimes my heart does not rule my hand.

I cherish you, you are mine if you would just listen but time after time, you don't so I must show you the way.

Can't you see, my little one? I only want what's best for you are my world and you have so much potential

you are so lovely for putting up with me you see what others can't see don't ever leave.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 09, 2001

S1

"The Beast" by Christina Gourlay Your eyes are feverish, blind. Your muscles turn to stone and your jaw clenches and grinds. Your hands twitch and flitter; everlasting movement. Seeking and searching; finding no traction. While the air around you grows thick and the distance between us turns steep. Your eyes glitter with an unnatural; internal light as they stare at nothing but an all-encompassing hardness, a bitter swelling that blocks all safety from the room. Darkness ascends. A soft snick, a sly slithering sound and your hands apply pain where once they caressed. Stone bunches and flexes. Silence, punctuated only by breath that comes in short bursts of energy and breath that comes in short bursts of agony. Pink flesh swells with anger as it is violated in new and delicate areas. Whimpers sneak from a deep well; unbidden, unwelcome. Soft moans hammer the air as my battle is lost.

Suddenly, laughter stabs the air in staccato bursts as I taste salt and see a dark, nasty red. Your eyes turn soft, the cruel twist of your smile levels out. The beast hides, crouched down once again. Stone is flesh, hands are gentle and love pours from your throat. Apologies flow in a river of remorse. Never again, so sorry. I wonder how many times I will have to lose in your battle for control.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 09, 2001

S1

Bottled Abuse

Oh the power of the bottle, the sickness of the mind All the chaos and confusion that follows close behind. I didn't know he had a dark side, I didn't want to think. About the changes coming over him as he raised his glass to drink.

There's a smile on his face, as he lifts his cup to drink. The blood is dripping down my face and splatters in the sink. He's fallen prey to alcohol, it consumes him every day And when he becomes dark and ugly, it is me who has to pay.

The power of the bottle, the weakness of the mind Strange moods and mass confusion, all his reason left behind. Letting Life eat at him, forgetting all our good times. The monster who stands in front of me, freely creating crime.

I thought him to be a friend, seems his only friend's a drink. It takes him to the very edge, and leaves him on the brink. I don't wish to be around this, to watch his slow demise. How sad the many shapes and forms become the Devil in disguise. -Mary Anne Miller-

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 10, 2001

S1

When verbal abuse hits the physical. YOU ask yourself what next? I would leave and go stay with a friend, and accept this has gone far, far too beyond what anyone should accept.

Though this is sometimes hard to do, you might want to make a PLAN, which should consist of where you will go? what steps do you need to take to provide some income for yourself? [This could mean applying for benefits from the government funds etc], also you sort out a therapist to help you get through all of this.

And finally you look in the mirror and say "I don't deserve any of this."

It will only get worse, PLAN to get out!! He needs help!! You can't keep enabling him, you are hurting yourself and him by staying.

Take care

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 10, 2001

S1

REMEMBER WHEN I AM DRINKING ALCOHOL, I AM HIDING, FROM THE TRUTH. WHEN I AM FEELING HURT INSIDE I NEED TO MAKE YOU HURT TO! I KNOW MY TROUBLES WON'T GET SORTED OUT DEEP IN THE BOTTLE, BUT WHAT ELSE AM I TO DO!! WHEN I'VE GOT AN ENABLER LIKE YOU!!

DO ME A FAVOUR HIT THE ROAD, SO I CAN HIT ROCK BOTTOM, AND SLOWLY CLIMB BACK UP!!

WILL IT HURT ME WHEN YOU LEAVE!! YES!! BUT IT WILL HURT ME AND YOU IF YOU STAY.

I JUST DON'T HAVE THE SKILLS OR THE COGNITIVE MINDSET TO BE GOOD TO YOU!! AND I NEVER WILL WHILST I HAVE YOU!!!

SO HIT THE ROAD, AND DON'T LOOK BACK, YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER!! I AM NO GOOD FOR YOU! I AM A ME, ME, ME, CAN'T YOU SEE!!

YOUR A SENSIBLE LASS, NOW LISTEN HERE! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME A GUY WITHOUT THE SKILLS, I CAN'T EVEN PAY THE BILLS, BUT YOU PICK ME UP AND ON WE TROD, RIGHT DOWN AGAIN IN TO THE SLOP!

DO YOU LIKE IT THERE, YOU MUST DO, CUZ YOU KEEP ON FOLLOWING ME THERE!

MY FAVOURITE WORD IS SACRIFICE, GO ON SACRIFICE SOME MORE, CUZ I NEED THE HOLE IN MY HEART FILLED.

SO DO YOU, BUT YOUR TOO GOOD AT SACRIFICING TO EVER MOUNT TO MUCH, SO GET UP WHY DON'T YOU AND HEAD ON UP THE ROAD.

FEAR WILL GET YOU NO WHERE, BUT FACING HER WILL EMPOWER YOU.

SO GO ON IF YOU DARE, GET A LIFE AND GET OUT OF THERE!!!!!

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 10, 2001

S1

will he won't he ever change? will she won't she ever change? All those poor skills are engrained!!

will he won't he ever change? will she won't she ever change? Little action, lots of pain!!

will he won't he ever change? will she won't she ever change? Its the ME, me syndrome! No its the sacrifice, sacrifice syndrome

will he won't he ever change? will she won't she ever change? WHO will win?? Me or You??

will he won't he ever change? will she won't she ever change? Pity pot pity pot where are you, Complain and blame all day long

will he won't he ever change? will she won't she ever change? Will I learn the cognitive skills? Will I learn to say NO?

will he won't he ever change? Will she won't she ever change? Can I stand the pain of NO? Can I stand the guilt that he may throw?

will he won't he ever change? Will she won't she ever change? Will I learn my anger will I learn my anger management skills skills

will he won't he ever change? Will she won't she ever change? That depends if I accept I need That depends if I accept I need to change. to change.

Will he won't he ever change? will she won't she ever change? Depends if he recognizes the Depends if she sets her limits pain.

Will he won't he ever change? Will she won't she ever change? Not if he doesn't ACT and Not if he doesn't ACT and start the steps!!! start the steps!!!

WHO WILL START THE STEPS FIRST, him or her?

or No one, in that case how can anybody change.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 10, 2001

S1

This is Spirit, the poem Bottled Abuse was mine, it was written over 20 years ago AFTER I escaped a very abusive relationship. I found it when I was spring cleaning and thought I would share it with all of you. I have escaped, I am happy, and I hoped the poem as it lurks there, will talk to other victims and make their paths easier as they escape!

Peace

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Date: Thursday, May 03, 2001

S1

I've been living within touching distance of a poorly maintained nuclear power plant. All these years, feeling sick and somehow damaged without really knowing why. He denied his mishandling of the toxic waste, said that if I had only done this or that better/differently then there would be no poison in my environment. He will admit to nothing. I have to watch where I walk, because there are pools of contaminated water and used core rods everywhere. Poison. Pretty soon, if I don't move away, the symptoms will become evident. Only instead of hair loss, tumors, etc. there will be pieces of my spirit rotting away and falling off. What was my life force will begin to glow with the unhealthy light of a radium watch in the dark. Physically I will look the same, but inside will be a dark, shadowy replica of me. If I don't move away...I will die.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 04, 2001

S1

The girl stood before the warrior. The warrior in White, resplendent from the battle which gained the ultimate victory. She shuddered. She drew her rags closer to her. The rags were a soiled token of her life.

Only those who could account for their shame in a satisfactory way would escape the fire. There would be mercy for just a few.

His eyes called her to account. She was speechless. Surely such kindness would not call her part of the enemy. She still did not know whose side she was on. "Maybe," the girl thought, "maybe I can explain."

Deep inside she knew she deserved the fire. He had said all those who went against him would be thrown there. She could feel the tense, hot heat and feared it.

"I can explain." She said. The girl told a tale of sorrow, woe, injustice. Surely, after her suffering he would excuse her?

He pointed towards the fire and her body convulsed with shame. She knew there could be no argument. But maybe it was worth a try.

The girl said. "But my Lord he....." And the stern figure of justice edged a little closer. The cool purity of his robes cooled the heat from the fire a little and she could breathe more easily.

Her heart moved in hope. But what was this? He was saying, with tenderness, tears and pain that he had no choice. She was the enemy and she would go to the fire....waves of anguish and despair and the overwhelming shame crept over her.

Then the warrior said she could have a little time to think. just a little. There was some hope for her then? In a second, centuries seemed to pass and the girl stood on, desperately trying to find the words that would save her.

She could find only one word and it came out of her in a blaze of understanding.

She could not get the shameful thoughts out. They seemed to depraved to share; but he lifted her face to his eyes and she knew he could read her thoughts. One by one the sins of her life were laid before him.

He smiled his forgiveness and called for a white robe.

The girl and the Warrior ran into each others arms shouting shouts of joy. Now she would be part of the most wonderful kingdom and never feel pain or sorrow again

The single word she had used was "I." Jay

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Date: Sunday, May 06, 2001

S1

You know you’ve lost your way When every word you utter comes back tenfold When one tear is shed and he’d rather she 100 -and he does- When your insides have been torn out and flattened from every side~ continuously bleeding from the inside out When your hands won’t stop shaking When every girl you see is more beautiful than you can ever be -and he never ceases to make that apparent to you When every word you utter is rude~ even when you haven’t opened your mouth at all When you deserve what is coming to you And your worst nightmares become real and “fair” Because your insecurity is your mistake! When you are nothing but a dumb bitch – -in your mind and out of his mouth When hurt feelings become nothing more than Pessimism and hatred= When you are afraid to speak your mind or hold and opinion When you can no longer look anyone in the eyes When you are scared to sleep And scared to turn your back on anyone When a kiss is just a slap in the face And your morals haunt you everyday But you can never play by your own rules anymore and you are stuck in a game you cannot win When what you love and enjoy is stupid and trivial When you are nothing but a blind man’s plaything When your soul has been so bruised that you don’t know who you are anymore When your own rage is redirected in your direction Causing YOU to self destruct When you make excuses that you know aren’t true When “love” takes control And you lose yourself to him NOTHING ELSE MATTERS But what HE thinks But no matter how smart you are you’re always a step behind When Life just isn’t worth living I’d still come back for more

laurenjcreevy@yahoo.com

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Date: Thursday, May 10, 2001

S1

If you can keep you head while all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you… If you can see there is no need to doubt you When others say the color red is blue…

If you can take the rage that burns inside you And realize it’s there to help you see If you can move despite the fear around you Then steeped in courage you will surely be

If you can know you have the perfect right To the happiness and joy you’re meant to feel Then you will find the means to fix your plight The Universe is yours. It’s time to heal.

--"Loretta", with thanks and apologies to Rudyard Kipling

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Date: Friday, May 11, 2001

S1

Who are you? Don't lose sight of yourself Always know who you are Don't let stray, unkind words put you down You are special and unique You are one of a kind You are worth all the stars in your crown

As you race for the prize Don't accept any less Live each day as a step to the goal Charge ahead and be bold for the prize to be gained Is your heart and your mind and your soul

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 12, 2001

S1

How Long?

How much for the doggy in the window? Boy, would love to have her, take her home and lay her low.

Yea, that's right, way low. Would like to know....how far will you go?

What's wrong with your mouth...can't say no. Oh, so you must be one of those weak one's... always going' with the flow.

Wait...is it the female stuff again, like you gonna stand tall against the wind!

Would love to see you try! All you gonna do is stand there and cry!

"I don't know what to do, don't know where to go... Yea all that female stuff was for show- ain't you heard your mom's say once when she told you... "no man gonna be true"

Welcome ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, to a place of shame, guilt, anger, distrust and pain.. so many are here already, what do you hope to gain?

How long, are you gonna take it or are you just gonna put on a bright smile and keep faking it.

Crystal

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Date: Monday, May 14, 2001

S1

Live and let live!

Can you accept a No, my dear? Can you give a No my dear? Do not try to control another, its wasted energy.

Do you realise God only gave you enough energy to LIVE your life, are you going to waste it trying to control another?

Energy, use it wisely

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 15, 2001

S1

I was in a marriage to a wonderful man I met him through a personal ad At first we were soul mates and more This man who I adored

Then one day I broke down Had depression that took me away This man didn't run, he did stay And took care of me every day

But as the years had come and gone I grew stronger and no longer needed his support Though I wanted so much to be loved This he showed me nothing of

Sincere, honest & romantic am I Suffering silently all inside I became heavy due to medication and me He withdrew into a silence so deep Never did he touch me Nor did he show any emotions at all I lived in my silence thinking there was no way out One day I wanted to take my pills and escape

With the help of two counselors I began to see I was a beautiful person, yes, all of me I started to learn to be assertive and more He didn't like that in me at all

Still he said words that hurt and maimed I started to get stronger and they no longer hurt Then one day I decided to do, something I had deep inside me I took a vacation to Pennsylvania And there I found my escape from my madness

An apartment I did find, a cute one for me There I felt beautiful, wonderful and free

No more do I suffer from verbal abuse A new life awaits me to my very delight!

Phyllis Snook wolflife2001@yahoo.com

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Date: Saturday, June 09, 2001

S1

No No No no no How can you say he lied?! He, the good, great man, never hurt us that way. Our life was full of S'okay and whatever. (Just don’t ask straight forward, that Must be answered NO) Anything I ever did for him was always "that's fine..." He has style he has grace, he tries to give us all we lack. His I don't know meant we were stupid. He is calm and strong, stronger than anyone! We are kept safe... If we rise up, and try to word wrestle, His simple answer is, "You're Crazy." See how calm we all feel now. Cat Bell

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Date: Saturday, June 09, 2001

S1

MY DEAR FRIENDS IN ABUSE Reading your pain makes me gasp! I have to listen to Great Music to even breathe. I have music by women my son calls the whiny bitch collection, but he says mom, that is the greatness of the girls, they tell it like it is. Well, my husband friend calls them the howling lesbians. But while I read your stories, their music spells your pain too sharply. My greatest music is Vivaldi’s Four seasons. When I play it I want to flap around the room in my Mama’s fluffy bathrobe doing peer-o-ettes. Then my grown up says “Shit what a Clod! Sit down and don’t embarrass us.” And the kid subsides. Knowing my own “folks” helps me recognize when I abuse myself. Name your Odd Fellows who pull you to and fro, on automatic, installed by who knows and who cares! I’m talking Role Play, not split personality, but Sybil teaches us that to survive we need to remove and compartmentalize the critters we’ve seen and become… Cat Bell

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Date: Wednesday, June 20, 2001

S1

I MISS YOU I miss your smile. I miss your touch. I miss your warmth. I miss you so much.

I miss how you believed in me. I miss the ways that you did little things for me. I miss how much you used to care. I miss you so much, that whatever I do you're still there.

I miss the sound of your voice. I hate knowing that I’ll never be your wife. I miss having you as my sunshine. I miss waking up knowing you were in my life.

I miss our long talks that lasted for hours. I miss how your love seemed to give me more power. I miss the sound of your laugh and the tears of joy in your eyes. I miss you so much but I had to say goodbye.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, June 20, 2001

S1

ONCE

Belonging once had a name, And love once had a face. Life once had a meaning, And once I was feeling safe. Once there was a freedom, And once I could laugh. Happiness once was alive, And once I had another half. Once I felt I fitted, But that seems to have died. All I ever wanted, Was to be happy be your side. ‘Computer’ addiction took over and made you an empty shell The loss of trust and ensuing pain, Put us both through a lot of hell. So now I sit here alone and wish that you could know That my days began to be dark and dreary the moment I let you go.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 01, 2001

S1

My inner thoughts -

I have been "out" for three years but the abuse continues. The control and subconscience messages are still very vivid and are constantly haunting. I feel so sacred. I am always worrying about what I do and how I do it. I do not feel I measure up to anyone. I have no friends. I am afraid to have friends. I want to go on with my life. I get better and do better and then fall backward.

I write this only to get it out of my head. I have no one to tell it it. I will not stop trying to go forward.

I am constantly searching for ways to shut him out, shut out the memories. I often wonder why I am so angry that he is seeing someone, though I know the answer. I remember the drawing in, the different person he could be, the "Mr. Wonderful" he can play to fool people. I actually enjoyed that period and I am actually envious of someone else enjoying this. I also know that he will not change and that this period, though addicting, is only brief and will end. I have found that the best way to work through all of my thoughts of failure, anger, loss, lonlieness,etc. it writing like this. I often answer my own questions. I wish I could move away, to get away from the constant push-pull. In standing up for myself I also have to worry about violence. I have seen him lose total control, I know he is capable of things. I have to be careful. On one hand I want to stand proud and tall and not let him control or abuse me though I often find I hold back because of the threat of further violence.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this cycle. I want to be free of it. I wonder if anyone is ever really free from it, I had 18 years of abuse and control. Now I am trying save the kids, trying to teach them the skills they will need in dealing with their dad. So young, yet so wise already to his ways.

I have found no way, through the court system to protect the children. There is no proof, sometime I wish he hit me in such a way so I would have some kind of proof, maybe then I could better help to protect the kids.

I am only just beginning to write. Stories are in my head and are on their way out. This is my first step.

"With God you can do anything!"

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 08, 2001

S1

testing testing

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 08, 2001

S1

Battered Woman

With the fist of your words you shattered my heart. With the glare of your eyes my soul came apart. I am a battered woman not outside but in. You never laid a hand on me but you still did sin.A love I once thought was so true and so pure. Now in my heart I'm not so sure. Physical your abuse was not, but the emotional stood tall. You would build me and watch me fall. Laughing all the way "I never hit you" you would always say. My eyes were never blackened nor my body broken and bruised. Nevertheless I am a battered woman, emotionally abused.

Jennifer Loudermilk jnl1023@hotmail.com This poem is copyrighted by the author

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 10, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 10, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 17, 2001

S1

Inside out Upside down Don't know if I'm coming or going One minute there's hugs the next there's plugs needed for my ears as anger pours right from his pores and floods me with confusion.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 22, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 24, 2001

S1

Hi, I have a sister who is a alcoholic and she has chirrois of the liver.She is living off of 10%of her liver. I love her very much and have been their for her all the way.She hasn't drank in 1yr and we are all very proud of her. But I think she wants a drink at times. If she does drink she will die and she knows it.I can't imagine her dying and being with out her. We are very close.My father died 6yrs ago of alcolhol and I still haven't gotten over his death.In fact my dad's tore our whole family apart.Now I am coping with my sister.I worry so much about her but then their are times when I have had her ways.She wants to be with me all the time,or she gets bossy.I have that diease of fibromyalgia and arthirits and all this takes a toll me to. Plus I have a husband. thanks for listening need advice

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, July 28, 2001

S1

Verbally abusive relationships are like a slow poisionous drip.

A trap set to batter my spirit, so into their reality I may slip.

Word upon word sublty capturing my ability to choose.

Battle after battle diminishing my spirit that I may lose.

Unaware I was the victim, I did not have a reason to flee.

Not knowing my feelings and the person, God created me to be.

Communicating with an abuser is not an option for me, if I listen I lose.

Their words are carefully chosen weapons designed only to confuse.

Attempting to define my reality, projecting and not meaning what they say.

A well laid plan carefully plotted to take my Personal Power away.

Manipulation, anger, false kindness, whatever it may take.

One intention, determined to win no matter how high the stake.

Rights and opinions are not options they will allow for me.

This kind of freedom is too dangerous to their own reality.

I have seen the light, exposed to the truth, now I know.

I will share and hold fast the truth as through life I go.

I have chosen to fight for my God given freedom until I die.

Knowing that if I never attain it, it wasn't because I didn't try.

Standing fast in the liberty, where with Christ has made me free.

Prepared to fight, the good fight of faith until His face I see.

Kimberly Martin

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, July 28, 2001

S1

Verbally abusive relationships are like a slow poisionous drip.

A trap set to batter my spirit, so into their reality I may slip.

Word upon word sublty capturing my ability to choose.

Battle after battle diminishing my spirit that I may lose.

Unaware I was the victim, I did not have a reason to flee.

Not knowing my feelings and the person, God created me to be.

Communicating with an abuser is not an option for me, if I listen I lose.

Their words are carefully chosen weapons designed only to confuse.

Attempting to define my reality, projecting and not meaning what they say.

A well laid plan carefully plotted to take my Personal Power away.

Manipulation, anger, false kindness, whatever it may take.

One intention, determined to win no matter how high the stake.

Rights and opinions are not options they will allow for me.

This kind of freedom is too dangerous to their own reality.

I have seen the light, exposed to the truth, now I know.

I will share and hold fast the truth as through life I go.

I have chosen to fight for my God given freedom until I die.

Knowing that if I never attain it, it wasn't because I didn't try.

Standing fast in the liberty, where with Christ has made me free.

Prepared to fight, the good fight of faith until His face I see.

Kimberly Martin

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, August 03, 2001

S1

Armageddon Yesterday I was identified as a problem. Better yet I was described as a problem that was solved, or got rid of sort to speak. Well, there's one thing that I will tell you: those words ripped through me like a bullet leaving the smell of scorched flesh. And who can you blame? You can't treat people the way you want and not expect any repercussions. Life is a learning lesson and there's not just one teacher, there's not just one pupil. Yesterday Marcus learned, he learned the hard way, but he grasps the thought nonetheless. It's time to pay the piper, so they say. It's time to face the music. Let's stop with clichés they accomplish nothing. Now that I think about it, what does accomplish anything? Where's the mark that we measure ourselves by? How do I know if I fall short of what this society dictates is norm? What gives me the right to tell other's what I expect from them. Damn--who am I to question anyone. I need to sit back, I need to relax. Focus on what is at hand, live up to my expectations and excel in what I enjoy. What do I enjoy? All my happiness has been taken away. I have no mother, I have no father. My grandmother has recently passed----it feels like life just takes of me and I get nothing in return. I'm on a mobius strip, there is no end, there is no means. What motivates me? The life of someone who is innocent, the life of someone who is pure---maybe she can be the person Marcus could never be. A person that's sincere, concerned and loved by many---hated by few. A person that can hold their head up high---and realize that people do love her and have their support. Maybe I can live through her, maybe she can live through me. The truth is I have not been able to show this special person the attention they deserve---my little sister Jasmine. A young girl that has been through so much, who's there for her? Her brother? A selfish, self centered, conniving fool who feeds off of his own ego and doesn't have a thought for anyone in this world unless it involves his own satisfaction. Someone end this, please--not my life but end this evil inside me. I can't get rid of it. The pain eats my insides away, if only someone knew. I wish there was someone who could see, but they're gone. They won't be back, the ride's over. I'm all alone, in a desolate place. My hands reaching out in the darkness, there is no light. People have their own problems, no need to concern them with mine. Why should I burden them? I'll just withdraw. I'll live until there is no more, eventually the emptiness inside will destroy me. The detonation is predictable; it’s not an unforeseen occurrence. I'll fight it, until I can't anymore---just for that one person who's life is just starting. She deserves better than what this world has shown her. A father who can be likened to a child. Why did you marry him mom? Why did you? Our lives could have been so much different, we all could have celebrated each other, I miss you so much. What a fool I am, it takes 7 years for me to realize what the meaning of my life was. I didn't even cry at the funeral, selfish bastard. You stupid, ignorant, unemotional bastard. What's wrong with you Marcus--what in the hell is wrong with you? I beat myself up now; to no avail--I cry now to no avail--I cry everyday on the inside. No one can see--I wish they could. I wish, hah,--that's all I've been doing my whole life. I just need someone to be there---please. No one loves me--perhaps my sister's and my uncle but no one else. My life is so lonely. There's so much pain, it's clouded my mind--made me irrational, made me into the walking devil I am. I roam this earth without a soul, the dead among the living. I tell myself there's a reason and I always draw a blank. Are there other's like me? I doubt it, very highly indeed. I've never known anyone to be so hollow as me. I've never known anyone to be so thoughtless like me. I've never met anyone who's had everything stripped away from them and be left with this feeling inside. I get compliments on how I'm doing in "their" world. But they don't see. They don't see what goes on inside, the torment and the anguish that plagues my life. The pain that tears me apart by the minute, the insecurity that threatens my sanity. Or maybe just "their" sanity. Their eyes are shut to reality, my reality, my hell on earth. Go ahead Marcus wallow in your self-pity. Give yourself reason to give up. Fuck you, fuck all of you who tell me what to do. Go about your business, you mean nothing to me. I see right through you, I see it all. People are like books, I read them and put them down--the tricks and games are pointless. I've seen enough of you to know. Don't feed me the lies and stories; your transparency is so evident. I'd rather you say nothing; it would be the greatest achievement of your life. Am I angry? No I'm just me. That's all I've ever been. It used to mean something---to be me. I remember those times.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, August 06, 2001

S1

I don't know where this fits, but I hope it does somewhere. It is inspired from a deeper dialogue I was able to spark w/one of my best friends from the last 17 years. I say deeper because when I pointed out what I saw as abusive patterns in our an mutual friendships he done Blow'd U! Blowed UP REAL good. But as I maintained my cool and re-tooled my points, he was able to do some self reflection. Part of our renewed dialogue touched upon our fear of disapproval when showing our true self to others or society. Often I feel as if the anger, resentment and jealosuly I incur from others is due to my own unapologetic insistance to conquer my 'eremophobia'. ...A Poem ?eremophobia? or ?Sheeople? by Geoff J. Conforming my appearance, blending in like a nerd, While all around me, bleats of discontent are heard. So I stand up on two legs, All for the sake of our weird!

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Date: Tuesday, August 07, 2001

S1

Unbreakable cannot steel be as beautiful as glass? we delight so in that which is fragile, that which is easily damaged, that which is beautiful yet unable to endure... I watch and listen to glass shattering all around me the last bright dangerous sparkle the sharp splintered edges ready to draw blood, to cause pain, to stick into skin as I curse them but before me shines steel lasting, brilliant, something solid to be grasped to hold on to with a grip that would shatter the crystalline beauty of a piece of glass some only see fragile things as precious but still more dear are those few things that I know are unbreakable -Astrid :)

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Date: Friday, August 10, 2001

S1

here is my story.i grew up and found that life was no rose garden,,,,,wahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! i want to be the center of the universe,,,wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! im depressed and cant cope so i blame my significant other for not being daddy wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!! i want to be empowered and have my way all the time wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! i want to blame men for everything never holding the mirrror up to myself,,,,im emotional and tell my friends all my personal problems,,,wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! i am shallow and very vindictive wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! ok,,,,now i feel better,,,,,

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, August 12, 2001

S1

Silence... People die for it... Just one brief moment of silence... Always telling us to keep our mouths shut; Silence does not quiet the soul, it arouses it! Sleepless nights of confusion locked within a tormented mind, someone please describe the sounds of silence... "You aren't; You never; You always", hear the words of suppression, See where transgressions live, they live within silence. The silence of not knowing, the silence of not wanting to know. Get rid of silence and watch where it goes... Out the mouth and all over you, all over me. The world cries silently. Actions are the words the mouth has trouble saying! Timid Masses