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12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

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Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments to Physical Vs

Comments to Physical Vs. Verbal Abuse

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos  Copyrightę 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

 

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 18, 2000

S1

When my abusive brother, whom I have been living with for 3 yrs now, threw cat litter on my car and raised his fist as if to hit me, I told him I was calling the police, and IMMEDIATELY dialed 911. A domestic violence report was filed. That was in May 1999, almost a year ago. Although still verbally abusive, he hasn't repeated that behavior. He still tells me all the time that I am the cause of his behavior, that I'm evil and deserve it, but he knows my limits. HE CAN BEHAVE, WHEN HE KNOWS IT IS IN HIS BEST INTEREST. In other words, hit me, you go to jail.

In 1993, two months after my dad died (I lived in a different state then), he was physically violent, using alcohol/drugs, and had a handgun. I found the gun, he never actually threatened me directly with it. After talking with several people, going to Al-Anon, I decided to have him arrested. He went to prison for three years. I didn't contact him for two years, until our mother died. This is why he knows he had better NEVER try anything physical. And, I KNOW he would be physical, IF I LET HIM.

Going to the police in 1993 was not easy, even with all the support from family/friends. When they were in the process of arresting my brother I couldn't stop vomiting to the point of dry heaves. But living through all that made me stronger, and it did put limits on his behavior.

I ended up living with my brother when I left my partner of 17 yrs. That's another story, but I realize now from all the reading on this site, that he is a controlling person. He did the MeMe talk when I was going through all the turmoil with my family. Felt like a burden, not a support. I left and moved back to the family home. Living with my brother was a mistake that I'm in the process of correcting.

My only comment about "when to leave" is that I catch myself waiting for the "perfect time." When that "perfect time" to leave comes, I have the false belief that I will automatically become perfect, too. In other words everything will become soooo easy, like magic. There is no magic, there is no "perfect time" to leave. Only hard work, and self growth.

Wishing you the very best, Sis.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 18, 2000

S1

Dr. Irene,

I lost a lot of sleep over your question: <<What are you doing in a relationship where you are just waiting for a reason to leave. No where in your letter to you refer to loving him, wanting him, etc. Do you really want to be married to this man? >>

I began thinking that your question meant I don't love him enough to try harder. Look harder to find a different approach. I even decided that maybe I AM TO BLAME for his behavior. I mean, really, I brought a lot of intimate baggage of my own into this relationship marriage and on his first thought/action of criticizing me I didn't ACCEPT IT in no uncertain terms. I am reading Patricia Evans book.... Page after page are descriptions of how I feel and my husbands behavior to the letter. Then the chapter on ANGER is about ME. I am the one who says to him 'you are making stuff up' (I believe he is!! a ride somewhere by a man he does not know because the drive shaft broke in the car--yeah there is more to this-- does NOT mean I am having an affair!) I AM the one yelling because I feel he can't hear me and he says "I can't follow you" "You will NEVER make a point" "I don't know what GAME you are playing!" "I OWN YOU!" He states he will NOT change because calling me names "Relieves pressure so I don't kill someone." He says I am asking him to change who he is. "I was born this way I'll die this way."

Let me stop here to say I REALIZED this morning you were NOT asking why don't I love him enough. Whewww....

My cup is empty, Dr. Irene. I AM just <<waiting for a reason to leave>> I want to know why I have to wait for something to happen to me or one of the kids? Why is it acceptable to leave only after he has crossed that line? You don't have to wait Patty. You and your children deserve a safe home.

Thank-you for your reply above. Warm regards, Patty

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 18, 2000

S1

Patty,

why do YOU feel he has to cross the line to give you an "excuse" to leave?

no one is telling you you must "wait" for that to happen. if you do not love him and he is not right for you then that is all the "excuse" you need.

I think you are placing judgments on yourself, stop it! make a list of all your "excuses" why you cant leave and think each one through. question them each deeply as to why they are holding you back. you will probably find they are empty reasons to stay. I think the feelings you have that you need out are telling you what you need to do for you why not listen to them for a change instead of judgments and guilt? somewhere in your life you have developed the belief you must stay until he physically hurts you its time to find out where that belief came from and replace it with beliefs that are more appropriate for you to take care of you.

if you need an "excuse" why don't you read the article "Divorce; Protecting the Children"

Suz

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 18, 2000

S1

Patty needs to talk in a calm way and set some limits. She should tell him that his behavior is not acceptable in society. The home is part of society. Does he act like this near strangers? Probably not he is on a power trip. A marriage is an equal partnership and one should not have power over the other one.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 18, 2000

S1

Dear Dr. Irene,

I was divorced two years ago after a verbally and mentally abusive marriage of 23 years. I have dated a few men since then. Eight months ago I fell in love with a man that I thought was wonderful. Recently he has become angry about any relationship I had in the past. He especially focuses on the sexual relationship I had with my husband. He becomes angry if I even look in the direction of another man. I have talked with an ex-wife and found out that he treated her the same way as well as another of his former wives. I really would like for this relationship to work, but I don't know that it is possible any more. What advice can you give me?

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 18, 2000

S1

Dear Patty, I come from a very difficult background. I was both emotionally and physically abused as a child. I have dealt pretty well my whole life with my situation. I am 22 years old now, and I am not a physical person at all with my significant other, but I have been noticing more and more lately that I have not been treating him all that well. I am emotionally abusive at times and when things are not done my way, or the exact way I wanted it to go, I take it out on him, and I can be very harsh at times. I just don't know how to deal with things in a rational manner. I just automatically start screaming and yelling. I also find it hard to do anything he asks me to do. I feel like if he asks me for a glass of water and I go and do that, that in a sense I'm like my mom just there to serve him. My step-father used to make my mom make him a soda every night before he went to sleep along with a snack, it always made me sick the way he controlled her and I guess I am just so scared of having other people think I am weak and that a guy could have control over me. so I am constantly proving to other people and to my self that no guy could ever tell me what to do. It physically makes me so angry when he asks me to do anything for him, yet when I ask him to do things and he doesn't do it right away I immediately blow up at him. Can you give me any advice on how I can start to deal with my emotions better and how not to take everything out on my boyfriend?

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 18, 2000

S1

Patty,

Suz made an excellent point. You don't love him, you want to leave. Why isn't your "excuse" good enough? You don't believe your "excuse" is worthy. Until you identify your thoughts and feelings about this, you will be stuck there. Start writing it out. Sis

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 18, 2000

S1

Dear Patty:

In you second letter above you seem like you are taking "blame" for his behavior. Do not do this. He is responsible for his own behavior and the way he is acting is abusive and not acceptable. There is nothing that you can do that would cause another to be abusive.. they do this on their own. Sure you are filled with anger.. we all are. We are sick of being treated like this. I am angry. Angry that I am a good person who is treated like garbage. Angry that I give to a man who does not deserve it. Sure, I try not to but there are days when he pushes my buttons once too many times and I yell. I yell good and loud. It does not make it right but I am human and I DO NOT DEGRADE HIM OR BELITTLE HIM WHEN I YELL. I yell for him to STOP what he is doing and it is just forceful speaking. Do not let him tell you that he screams instead of killing someone. He can go into the bedroom and beat on a pillow or go outside and scream at the birds. His screaming is directed towards you and it is full of threats of violence and criticism. You do not deserve this nor do the little innocent children that are witnessing this. Please, be good to yourself and the kids...if he does not stop this...get in the taxi and go until he can take responsibility for his actions. He may not stop until you take a final stand.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 18, 2000

S1

Patty,

There is often controversy between verbal and physical abuse, i.e. will verbal lead to physical, is it as damaging, etc. Here's my thought on this from experience: THESE INDIVIDUALS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Therefore, if someone continues to threaten you, curse you, throw tantrums EVEN THOUGH YOU SAY YOU DON'T LIKE IT, they will probably do A LOT MORE that you don't like, including beat you (or your child) and justify it by blaming you!! I look at these types as "out of control", taking no responsibility for their behavior and blaming the world for their problems. I'M SURE THAT IF YOU STAY, THIS MAN WILL HIT YOU. What about your child? Doesn't he have enough of a challenge each day without your abusive husband to worry about? I say stay on this site, become very familiar with the "patterns" of abuse, then PACK YOUR BAGS. HE WILL NOT CHANGE and yes, he's broken property of yours, bad sign. If someone can't see that there is something clearly WRONG with that type of behavior, they won't see what's wrong when they snap and hit someone! I ended a relationship three months ago after being cursed at for a year, called names, raged at and blamed for all of HIS problems. When he finally broke some of my belongings by throwing them into the parking lot and breaking them, I said to myself "I'll never speak to this person again". And I didn't. And I should have left much, much sooner. But I get stronger and more intelligent each day by reaching out to others on this site. PLEASE GO, before you and your son are black and blue.

Good Luck, LHW

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 18, 2000

S1

My girlfriend has been diagnosed as a person with BPD {Borderline Personality Disorder}. On several occasions she tells me how she "feels". This is always a way for her to attack me by telling me how horrible I have treated her and how much I let her down. She then says that she says this so as to express her "feelings" about a situation. After this I try to defend my position...usually in response to her accusations that I believe are unfounded. While doing this she belittles me by saying that I am verbally abusing her by telling her these things and that I need help because it makes her feel bad. Then I question her on what is the difference between her cutting me down by defining it as her "feelings" and how I am so-called abusing her when I tell her what I am feeling. This seems to be a double standard and I tell her I will not accept that and that she is wrong to mask her feelings as criticism while not allowing me to do the same. Is either one of these actual verbal abuse?

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 19, 2000

S1

Gosh, Patty. It is hard to predict where things will go from here, if not interrupted. There are many possibilities. Many times verbal abuse and property destruction do turn into physical violence. Maybe sometimes they do not. They did in my case. For a time, I began striking my husband, to retaliate for the verbal abuse, it hurt so bad I would have done anything to stop it, then I despised myself for that behavior. Time to go somewhere and talk honestly with a counselor about what is going on. Took me years to accept the reality of my husband's anger. How could he hate me so one minute, then love me the next. How could he hate me so much when I loved him with everything I had. Finally, I had to take everything away, because that anger infected me and ate at me; I could not even see straight for all the repressed anger. You owe no one your peace and sanity. If there is a worthwhile element in the relationship, it will survive separation and therapy.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 19, 2000

S1

Thank-you all for replying to my question. Thank-you Dr. Irene for thinking by answering my email that it may help me or others.

Sis, Yes. If he hits me-- I am outta here. (I may be out sooner than that) POLICE? if he hits me? We'll see I read "Too tired" interactive email that the Doc answered.... My husband does not drink (3 beers in 6 months I do not believe is a bad habit) He is not using drugs. He has a foul mouth. He smokes cigarettes. If you met him you may even think him a 'nice guy' just a little withdrawn. If he went to jail I would feel responsible for messing up his life. I think it's better if I leave before it comes to THAT! Thank-you for sharing your experience. It helped (as usual) Smile*

Suz, I felt like I need an "excuse" because I made a VOW before God, my friends, and his family. An "excuse" would be acceptable grounds in this society and a court of law to release me from it. Yesterday, I was cleaning the kitchen and debugging He went into a fit! I was "poisoning everyone and everything in the house!" How Would YOU Clean and Get Rid of the Roaches? I screamed. "I'd Get Rid of YOU!!" he stated with pure hatefulness. Today I asked him a question and he "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Hey, I can take a hint. I'm outta here!!! Thanks Suz. I had to be honest with myself. Oh, I couldn't find that article but I'll look again.

LHW, EXACTLY!! He's told me HE KNOWS what he's doing! I suspect he will even help me pack my bags. -sigh-

For the record. I don't love him the way a wife should. At least that is what I've been telling myself. No matter what I say or do It has never been enough or right. Forgive me but I MARRIED THE MAN. I GAVE BIRTH TO OUR DAUGHTER. I have made attempt after attempt to please him.... to love him. Even in my leaving.... it is to PLEASE HIM. That's sad for me. At the same time freeing.

For some of you others that posted. Dr. Irene doesn't respond to questions here. (I don't think) Check out "Interactive email" on this site. My email was lucky to be chosen.

THANKS ALL! PATTY :)

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 19, 2000

S1

Try going to the meetings at women's support groups. The shelter can put you in touch with several. Go and sit and listen. Then ask yourself "don't I deserve better?"

People have a choice-to seek peaceful lives or to live in turmoil. If your husband is not seeking to live in peace, then he merely satisfies his appetite of making others miserable.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 20, 2000

S1

Breaking your things IS violence, even if it is not considered physical abuse.

Behaving this way in front of a child is inexcusable.

Run.

Before long, even though you know better now, you'll begin to feel somewhere in your heart that you 'deserve' this relationship.

Carole, who knows from experience

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 20, 2000

S1

Patty,

I asked you the questions I did to get you to think about what it is that truly keeps you there. I thought your reasons would be the same as mine. yes my big one was I made a vow too. but do you really think your marriage is a holy union in the eyes of God? I don't think he could look at mine lovingly, I don't think it all represents what "marriage" is. an abusive relationship is not looked upon as a holy union to me.

here is something for you to ponder:

"Many religions view marriage as a holy commitment, not only to another person, but also to God. The Catholic Church, for example, believes that once you enter into the “holy state of matrimony”, marriage being one of the seven sacraments, you can not terminate the marriage. However, the Catholic Church also believes that “Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule.”(2) The church places, with the parent, the responsibility of raising a child in a tender, caring, forgiving, and respectful household. If a person is in an abusive situation, the well-being of the child is at risk of being sacrificed."

here's the url to "Divorce; Protecting the Children"

http://drirene.com/divorce.htm

best wishes to you ~ Suz

Ps. I replied to the new article Never Neat Enough... I also thought of you when I posted, so if you have time please read there too.

 

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 20, 2000

S1

Just for the record...my religion is the most important thing in the world to me. I am a strict Catholic. When I was having problems, my priest told me that if the relationship was jeopardizing mine or the children's health, spirituality etc. then I SHOULD leave the situation. The hard part people do not understand with the church, is that they do view this as an unbroken vow to God which can not be dissolved by man, once made. That does not mean that you can not leave the marriage with the children so that they are safe and you can bring them up in a peaceful home. You are never expected to stay with a husband/father who is damaging the children's spirits. "Father's do not nag your children, lest they lose heart". You can do a lot of damage to your children's spirituality, soul and future which is not pleasing to God. As I said, I am a devout Catholic and would not think twice about living alone with my children so their spirit is not jeopardized. How can you bring up loving children if they are filled with hate and pent up anger or expect them to be loving adults after they have witnessed chaos their whole life? Just something to think about. Karen

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 20, 2000

S1

My opinion on that would be that women should learn to be more independent and stand up for them selves, not be pushed around or even threatened by verbal abuse... learn to be strong and live better, get help from a counselor

Michelle Beth

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, April 21, 2000

S1

Hello Everyone (again),

Has anyone been to a woman's shelter? Phone call after phone call The Shelters were filled. One I was told had a room available for my children and I then I was told that they made a mistake and the room was on hold for someone (24 hours) to call back tomorrow. -sigh- Yes, I was on my way to one last Summer but I felt blind and lost. I turned around and came back I was so scared of this "unknown." The shelters themselves are very hush hush about what information they give out until you arrive.

I am scared. I'd Like to get information from people who have used one. Thanks Patty

 

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, April 21, 2000

S1

Has anyone here experienced living at a shelter?

What did you think about it?

I called a list of numbers today all but one was filled. Then after getting all my information they say they made a mistake and they were filled also. The lady on the phone said several were on 'hold' for 24 hours and call back tomorrow. -sigh-

I am scared. I really don't know if I could handle anymore surprises. I don't know WHAT questions to ask. My mind feels in a muddle.

Thanks everyone!! Patty

PS. That is a great article Suz

What happened to the replies???? I guess they got lost in the crash. But I just restored them from a copy a few days old...  Dr. Irene  April 25, 2000

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 25, 2000

S1

Patty,

My husband was both physically and verbally abusive. When his physical abuse become so out of hand I ran off for a weekend he did stop that part, BUT, in turn, it sort of gave him carte blanc with the verbal. His words got worse and worse more often and poured out onto the children also. It was only then, with the entire household even more scared of him than ever that I literally moved out with the children one weekend. I got an order of protection and temp custody. We went to court, alone, no atty's with the idea of working it out. It was only this desperate move that made him realize that although he wasn't being physical anymore he was destroying his family with words. Sounds like your honey is at that point with the words and in your case I would believe the actions will soon follow. If you want the relationship tell him how drastic it is and stick to your guns on therapy, change, etc. If you don't really want the relationship, stop feeling guilty because he hasn't hit you yet. You don't want to leave yourself in the position of having to climb into bed at night with your loved one knowing he has done this to you also. PS: We are back in the same house and working this out and BOTH of us are re-learning how to communicate without reacting to each other, it's lots of work but worth it. Debby

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, May 14, 2000

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 16, 2000

S1

Why don't we leave? For one I have nowhere to go, no job, no money, no car, nothing. And I have a child with ODD. It's not that easy to just leave. Poverty is just as hard to live with as verbal and emotional abuse. Looking for ways to cope? Sue

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 17, 2000

S1

To the person with the child with ODD. As a special educator I work with children with all types of emotional impairments. Living in poverty on a shoe string budget will be healthier than the hell your child is experiencing with an abuser. ODD is Oppstioanl Defiant Disorder...remember...children learn what they live..... while the ODD may not be caused by the abuse it is not helped by it either. since you have accesss to this website you shoudl also look up ODD on other websites and see what is best for the child. Abuse is NOT GOOD!!!

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 18, 2000

S1

Patty, neither you nor your child need threats. It couldn't hurt to start going to a woman's support group. Also, if there is a support group for parents of Downs syndrome kids, this would be helpful. These kids have special needs and don't deserve abuse for developmental disabilities. Mary

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 18, 2000

S1

I'm worried about her son, especially if her husband is not the biological father. She needs to get them both out of there!

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 19, 2000

S1

"Why don't we leave? For one I have nowhere to go, no job, no money, no car, nothing. And I have a child with ODD. It's not that easy to just leave. Poverty is just as hard to live with as verbal and emotional abuse. Looking for ways to cope? Sue"

Sue, when I left I had no car, no job, a back injury, no money (not even a bank acct in my own name) and no where to go. I did not have a child although in some ways I think that is even more reason to leave so the child does not have to suffer abuse too. Even watching their parent being abused is traumatic enough.

I had to make a choice. Shelters are not the most pleasant places but it depends on the area you are in. I found one that offered free counseling services, job assistance, etc. I also applied for government housing so I would eventually have a place of my own. I had to get food stamps. I had to beg at times. But anything was better than being abused anymore.

There are options out there but a person has to look. It takes a lot of effort and time and frustration but there is almost always an alternative to living with an abuser. The only limits are the ones you place on yourself. Good luck with this.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 18, 2000

S1

Hello, I need to understand something, in my marriage there seems to have been nothing but pain, and I accept my part in that, but there is something i need to know. When my wife and I would get into arguments, usually over something stupid, it would generally begin with me trying to be reasonable, while she would belittle me and everything that I was trying to do to bring back peace. Eventually after being told that I didnt matter, that I was a sorry excuse for a man, and everything else that you could think of, I would fight back verbally, and in my verbal onslaught, I called her everything that she called me and then some. But then she would start crying and say that I was verbally abusing her. I feel guilty because I feel like I was verbally assaulting her, but why is it only wrong when I do it. I know I had the choice to walk away and ignore everything that she was saying before i ever openned my mouth, but am I expected to be insulted, ridiculed and belittled and not say anything back? I know that I was wrong, but should she share some of the responsibility?

Please Help Jay

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, March 15, 2001

S1

Hi..

I have a daughter (22 with a small baby) who is being verbally abused by her husband. He was abused as a child by mother and father. They are in his life and have admitted to abusing him and trying to help him in his life now. What can a mother do to help her daughter in this mess? Her husband has also severely verbally abused her sister and almost hit her. What must we do? Call the police when he does this?

Thanks...

Phyllis

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 03, 2001

S1

Dear Patty,

This is a post after the 7/1/01 update. Patty... I have you and your children in my prayers as we speak. God Bless you for your wise choices and I wish you the best with your Independence! (today is 7/3)

I just had to respond to the WISDOM of your 3 year old named Annie. Her father abusively calls her stupid, and she says I'M NOT STUPID. I AM ANNIE!

Gulp....

Young children can be wise old souls with astonishing commmon sense, can't they? That's why, as an adult survivor of severe lifetime abuse, I keep gleaning such profound comfort from all forms of childhood wisdom.

It's especially gratifying to recollect my own epiphanies during childhood. Granted, they are difficult to recall to present memory and were definitely few and far between. It was sorta like being drowned and only occasionally coming up for air.

But those life giving "breaths of air" helped me survive then and HELP ME THRIVE NOW.

One of the most surprising afteraffects of becoming a SURVIVOR and NON-PARTICIPANT OF ABUSE, I have found at least, has been the spontaneous recollections of the heart-warming values I held during childhood. I suppose when I attempted to quash all the bad memories of the abuse, I inadvertently "forgot" about all the pure HOPE I carried within my heart all those years.

I feel like most of us are somewhat "kindred spirits" here, so I shall offer some kind advice... seek to be COMPASSIONATE with your former self who used to be so beaten down. The abuse was foisted on you against your will.

Try to get off the merry-go-round with the co-dependency thing that has a tendency to get carried too far, and realize that you never ALLOWED the abuse, you just spent too long trying to figure out how to TOLERATE IT and/or make it stop.

The fact that your former husband escalated his abusive behavior in tandem with your early refusals to tolerate more abuse, says to me at least, that second-guessing yourself would be pure waste of time and a damage to you. I am very PROUD for you! Good accomplishment, and best wishes for a happy, fulfilling, and HOPEful future!

K

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, June 13, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 06, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 24, 2002

S1

MY husband often threatons to hurt me really badly. He has hit me many times before. I need to talk to someone. Juanita

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, February 16, 2003

S1

Can you print something about verbal abuse of husbands? About women who verbally abuse their spouses.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 07, 2003

S1

Hey Patty, I'm not telling you anything your mind doesn't already think. If this guy is making you feel like you have to catetor to his every whim than leave. People like yearn for affection and evening if that makes you feel threaten. It doesn't matter what kind of attention as long as it's towards him. Like Dr. Irene said you didn't say you loved him, the only reason I think you're with him is because you feel sorry for him. You have pity for him because you think him without you would be his downfall, and it'll be your fault. If Craig is his son that is still no excuse to marry someone. Craig just needs a loving parent to love him, that's all sweet heart. You don't have to get married cause you two have a child together, if he is his, marriage is not going to help. See counseling if you want to be with him, if not let him go. Be careful! Love always kisses and hugs your way, Chris C.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 02, 2003

S1

Patty, I'm so glad you got out. I see you realized that he would never treat you or your children in a loving manner free of abuse. I too left my abusive first marriage. It was all verbal abuse until 5 years into it. It came on in small doses and grew gradually. I felt I'd lost my mind. When he hit me the first time, I was in total shock. I didn't leave. I was pregnant for our second child when he hit me. I did leave when he hit me again 8 months later, again I was pregnant, not working. I still suffer with muscle damage he caused by holding me off the ground and swinging me by my arm. If I can save anyone this permanent physical pain with the following, it will be a good thing: Take threats to your life and personal safety seriously. If they are bold enough to threaten to harm you and you stay, they will be likely to harm you at some point (in my experience). My ex never threatened me, he just did it. I filed for divorce immediately after the second time and had him removed from the house. My kids and I were able to find peace then. I hope you and your children find much peace :). I'm so glad you got out and I hope things are still going well for you:) Julie

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, June 29, 2003

S1

Dear Patty, I am going through a similiar situation. My husband is one to throw things and hit things rather than physically hit on me or the kids. I can't count how many things I've had destroyed in the 14 yrs he and I have been married. But, I think by now I would notice if he would get to the point of hitting me. He hasn't made such threats as your's has or "wishes". But I hope that you would notice the signs of danger and get out while you can before your child and you are hurt beyond repair. signed, concerned

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, August 23, 2003

S1

DEAR PATTY, MY HUSBAND THREATS ME WITH THE DIVORCE, IN OTHER WORDS , HE SAYS HE WILL FILE FOR IT ..SO FAR ITS BEEN 4 YRS AND NOTING MEANWHILE EVERYTIME HE MENTIONES THE WORD DIVORCE I BUST INTO TEARS AND HE LAUGF ABOUT IT. WHY DOES DO THAT? AND WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT.?I RECENTLY STARTED TO FEED THE IDEA BY AKING TO FILE IT. THKS TANYA

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, August 23, 2003

S1

DEAR PATTY IF MY HUSBAND IS YELLING OR ISOLATING ME IS THIS CONSIDER MENTAL ABUSE, BESIDES THREATS FOR EXAMPLE DIVORCE OR FOR US TO BEEN SOON SEPARATED ETC.? IS NAGGING OR CRYING CONSIDER ABUSE? PLEASE REPLY. THKS TANYA