Comments to Judge's Update

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and
must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from
your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, March 25, 2000

S1

Judge G: Please leave with your daughter. I raised children on my own. You can do it too. The damage to your daughter and to you from the current relationship is too great to be downplayed. If this comes down to a worry about electability, answer this question: Who would you vote for: a person who took action to protect children in the midst of a bad situation OR a person who allowed harm to a child? Gang: Please note, The Judge is not really a judge. I "made" him a judge to protect his identity regarding his profession. I think I have to clarify that... Dr. Irene

Greg

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, March 25, 2000

S1

Thank you for your well-reasoned descriptions. You must be a very good judge; you really examine things in depth. Reading your letter made me very sad, because it points out how twisted the abuser's thoughts are. Sometimes I think my husband is doing better, but reading your letter I realize that he does all the non-communication things you are describing, and even though things aren't overt, there never will be the relationship there should be.

Please, please, please do as Dr. Irene suggests and ask your daughter if she wants the two of you to stay together. I remember when I was 10 my mom asked me (now, this was a looong time ago) if I knew what a "divorce" was. I was elated, thinking that FINALLY we were going to leave my Dad. Unfortunately, she wanted to tell me about my aunt and uncle's divorce. From that time until she left (when I graduated from high school) I fanaticized about what it would be like if they divorced. We would live down the road from my grandparents, and she would be happy, the way she was when we (just the two of us) went to see my grandparents. No one would be raging. I had the house we would live in all picked out. I would look at the Sears catalog and pick out furniture and curtains for our house. Thank God I had a fantasy life to escape into. The real one wasn't bearable.

You may think your daughter is handling things but it does awful things to a child to have one of the two people who are supposed to love and cherish and protect them be "the enemy."

Things are NOT going to get better for your daughter. "Normal" women have trouble getting along with their teen-age girls, and feel somewhat jealous of their daughter's youth and their own lost opportunities--and don't know how to deal with the loss of control over the young lives they have nurtured so far. HOW WILL YOUR WIFE REACT? What damage will that do to your daughter?

By the time my mom left my dad she was a Librium-addicted zombie. I married after my soph. year in college, at age 20--probably so I could have a family. Guess what? My husband is (Surprise!), although not a rager like my dad, a verbal abuser. Who will your daughter marry?

As a judge you must know all the tricks to documenting things so you will get custody, and it sounds as if your wife certainly hands you the all the ammunition you might need on a silver platter. What is keeping you where you are?

You ended your letter to Dr. I with "Peace." Hope you and your daughter find it. Nell

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, March 25, 2000

S1

I have a daughter about your daughter's age. And her well-being was part of my motivation to divorce my ex-husband. She knew his behavior was inappropriate, but I didn't want her entering adolescence thinking that it was ok for boys to treat her the way her step-father was treating me. I wanted her to learn that if she encountered abusive behavior, she could do something about it (leave). Please consider leaving your wife and getting custody of your daughter. You do not want her to have your wife's and your interactions as her model for marriage!

Our life has been so much better since we divorced 5 mos ago. Both of us have gone to counseling (short term for her, longer term for me), and it's been well worth the expense. I'm realizing how much abuse I suffered during my two year marriage, the reasons I allowed it, and how abnormal his behavior was! I also know that I was responsible for allowing myself to get drawn into interactions that were not constructive (you seem to be pretty good at avoiding them).

I'm also dating casually right now (I'm not ready for a serious relationship, but I'm learning a great deal about people that I should have learned in my teens or early 20s!). I've found out that I can trust my ability to detect inappropriate behavior, and that men will treat me with respect. I suspect that as I've begun dealing with my past, I'm attracting healthier males. Who knows?

At the very least I hope I'm modeling a healthy approach to dating for my daughter-I expect to be treated with respect, my preferences matter, and that my world doesn't fall in if a guy doesn't like me or doesn't call me back when he said he'd call. I've been single most of my adult life, but this time I'm truly comfortable with my single status. And recently I gathered up my courage to tell a guy that I'd gone out with a couple of times, that I was bothered by something. What a difference! No defensiveness, no blaming me, no over-reaction, no criticism, etc., all the things I'd grown accustomed to when trying to deal with my ex. He really listened to my concern, described the situation from his perspective, and then knowing I felt very awkward bringing up the subject, he encouraged me to keep on bringing up things that make me uneasy. I took a risk and it turned out well, but if it hadn't, it wouldn't have been a great loss (I'm done tolerating abuse from anyone).

I've wondered a bit, but I do want you to know that life can be much better for you and your daughter. Janet.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, March 25, 2000

S1

Dear Judge,

I think I've read everything you've posted. And the parts you've written about not wanting to work on the marriage really hit home with me. I don't think my husband was as bad as your wife, but that doesn't diminish the anger or rage I feel toward him. I feel like I've had it bottled up inside for so long that now that I recognize it I just want to wallow in it. Unlike your wife I think my husband is owning up to his verbal abuse and trying to change, but I still think he will always be a fundamentally self-centered self-interested person. One sentence you wrote about the abuser's behavior being to achieve their own emotional ends lit light bulbs over my head. I don't really think he does anything for anyone else. He may pretend to.....even believe that's what he's doing but in reality he's doing it to prove to me that he's changing thereby win me back. I've been staying until my youngest is older (he's 9). I've even told him that is all that I'm doing that I don't want the marriage to continue. I want my freedom. He says he'll agree to that but when push comes to get the hell out of the house I'm sure he'll come up with another reason for me to stay. This started as a note to tell you how much I appreciate your writings and I managed to get off on another track. Keep on posting. I (and I'm sure others) enjoy them. Sandy

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, March 25, 2000

S1

Dear Judge,

I wish I could tell you all the things I remember about being 11 years old. One of them was about longing for some peace. It never occurred to me that I deserved some! All I knew was that there wasn't any, unless my parents were both temporarily out of ammunition.

Children raised in fox-holes in a war zone don't grow up with much self- esteem. I know that somewhere in the back of my head was this nagging voice that said, "If my parents really cared about us, somebody would see to it that there was peace once in a while."

Living like this can warp your daughter's outlook on life "for keeps." It can mean that she spends years in therapy, and more years grieving over broken relationships, even those of her own children. (That's what I am doing!) And the wasted TIME is something you can NEVER compensate her for. NEVER.

I am corresponding right now with a girl of about 12, who finally got out of her situation when the non-custodial parent finally said, "Enough is enough." I know what she is going through. I went through it. It is heart-breaking.

Get out. Get your daughter OUT.

Hugs, Sarah (2)

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, March 25, 2000

S1

Dr. Irene:

I think the Judge is in a terrible trap. His willingness to sacrifice his next 6 1/2 years for the sake of his daughter's future is very noble and most likely necessary. From the experiences of many others I've read about on your site, his chances of winning custody of his daughter, should he leave, are not good. Mothers typically are given the nod by the courts. Also, his wife has proven her skill at manipulation and denial. He could lose so much if he leaves. It's a terrible gamble, and one he isn't willing to lose. I find your advice wise at first look, but maybe not appropriate to his situation. He has to be the best judge of his chances to win his daughter should he take the gamble and leave. Very scary stuff! Good luck Judge! Debi

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, March 26, 2000

S1

It seems you have such a big dose of self-loathing. Otherwise, why would you be willing to put up with something that so closely resembles hell-on-earth?

You could wait for 7 years, and grow old (and probably ill) with a person you "so strongly dislike" , or you can decide to do something about it.

Find a lawyer, specializing in family issues, find out what you would need, in order to be granted full custody of your daughter, and concentrate on getting these proofs, documents, whatever, to enable you and your daughter to leave this monster together.....

Best of luck to you and yours

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, March 26, 2000

S1

Dear Judge, I really identify with the I'll wait until the kid is 18 trip. That's what I had intended. However, thank God, life or the UNIVERSE had other plans for me. I only made it until 14. What you don't state in your letters, (or possibly I have missed) is whether or not you are financially dependent upon your wife. Are you? If so, this fact might slow you down some, and yet even this is not a true roadblock to freedom. In my opinion, and based upon personal experience which is similar, no one was happy I was dragging my heals. Not my kids, nor my husband. I did not want to take responsibility for the separation/divorce. That's what it sounds like to me. It sounds as if you are waiting for someone or something outside of yourself to take responsibility. It won't happen, buddy. Get out of there while you still have your health. With regards, Marie.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, March 26, 2000

S1

Judge,

You are not alone. My wife is 39 and your emails about your wife describe mine also. I have 2 children, almost the same age as your daughter. In my wife's eyes, I am never good enough. She is a perfectionist and when something is not exactly perfect, she explodes. She also tries to convince me that I am mentally ill. Truth is, I am far from perfect. I have solace in the fact that I know that I am a good man. I spend a lot of time with the children, etc.... However, they know the real truth. Everything my wife does and says is a provocation. I resist 99 percent of the time, but the 1 percent of the time, when I am tired or sick, it is hard to ignore and easy to become entangled in the problem. Today is one of those days. I have terrible allergies, I went to the store and forgot to buy her orange juice. She became enraged and dumped out a gallon of iced tea, so that I couldn't have it. Usually, I would explode and fire back. I went to the kids and told them rather than get angry and upset, daddy is going out for the day by himself. They were proud that I could finally do that. There is no easy answer, but one day when your daughter is grown, she will be aware of the tremendous sacrifice that you have made. Hang in there.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, March 26, 2000

S1

Judge....I agree with the Doc. You do need to seriously consider leaving and taking your daughter with you. Even with the best explanations from you your wife's behavior is still a model for your daughter. Eleven years old is not old enough to be truly rational about "how mommy acts". And you should go to therapy with this woman. What a great way to actually get her therapist to see her as she truly is. Good luck

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, March 26, 2000

S1

For Judge: The Doc is right. It won't get any better, and your daughter has a right to some sanity. I have 3 daughters in their 20's, believe me the next 5 years for your daughter are going to be difficult even in f perfect situation. Save her and yourself..

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 27, 2000

S1

What do you do when your 16 year old son abuses you?

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 27, 2000

S1

Dear Judge,

You are fooling yourself thinking you are doing the best for your daughter by staying. You need to show her that it is OK for someone to take care of themselves by leaving an abusive situation. By staying in a situation that you and your daughter know is not healthy you are setting her up to be abused later on in life, that's no favor to her. I know of what I speak because I was in a similar situation with two kids. When I finally left, my daughter's comment was "I don't really want you to get a divorce, but I'm glad you are." Since the divorce, my relationship with my children is even better and their attitudes towards life in general have improved. That is not to say that there weren't and won't continue to be some bumps in the road, but it is definitely better. Also, you need to rethink the process of pulling your daughter aside and telling her how wrong or screwed up her mother is. One of the best gifts you can give her is to remove her from an abusive situation and not say anything bad about her mother (even if you only have partial custody). She will thank you for that 10 years from now. Its time for you to stop concentrating on what's wrong with your wife and start working on why you are staying in a relationship, which from this viewpoint, needs to be terminated.

Good luck.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 27, 2000

S1

Why bother going through six and a half more years of hell, when you can use that time to build a strong, beautiful and peaceful life for yourself and your daughter.

You are not doing anyone a favor by waiting until she is 18, you will only grow more angry, more hateful, and worst of all more resentful.

Get out now! Your mental, emotional and physical health depends on it.

God Bless you with the strength to carry out whatever choice you decide to take.

Regards from someone who has been there, and done that and is completely free of abuse and it is so worth it!

R.R.M.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 27, 2000

S1

Well, the first thing that came to my mind is that this sounds like my marriage! How often have we read this on this site?!

Judge, you should not be surprised that Dr. Irene is suggesting that you leave. Right now both of us (my spouse and myself) are in therapy. There is actually progress being made. Of course, there is the proverbial 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Due to the fact that my spouse "attempted" to violate a strict boundary, I am being advised to turn him out (which was the stated consequence).

All I have to add to this is that if my spouse was having as little progress as you have stated, I would not have even the slightest doubt about leaving!

Allow me to be blunt. You need to quit using your daughter as an excuse for staying! If you don't get her out of there and get her a proper example of how HEALTHY people interact, she WILL either end up like or mother or abused like you. SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT NORMAL IS! And if you cared about her like you state, you would get the heck outta there!

When I was divorcing a physical abuser who was fighting me for custody of the kids, I wanted to quit and split the kids up so that the fight would end. My boyfriend asked me if I would put a price on my kids heads! Blunt. But, I fought my ex and WON!

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for her.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 27, 2000

S1

YEP! NON-COMM. IS MY METHOD TOO.

THE LESS WE COMMUNICATE, THE LESS SHE EXPLODES.

SO I KEEP THE DIALOG TO THE ABSOLUTE DAY TO DAY NECESSITIES. BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T BRING UP THE SERIOUS ISSUES.

AT BEST THAT BRINGS A SUBJECT CHANGE SO CLEAN & SWIFT IT HAS THE NATURE OF A SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLE.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 27, 2000

S1

Dear "Judge", I won't say leave....but please, find a place alone for a minute, see a counselor and work out why you are still staying. Maybe you feel you will be letting yourself down if you get out early. Whatever the reason see it, feel it, and then decide how to act on it.

Your daughter is a lucky eleven year old. But you can't protect her from some of the feelings you too are facing for much longer. Do you want your daughter to feel the rage you feel. And it will happen the longer she is exposed to the constant battering you are receiving.

I hope you find peace. I am sending my utmost wishes at you finding happiness into the stars and praying it finds it's way to you.

Rebecca

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, March 28, 2000

S1

Dear Judge, First, I'm glad to see that men are talking about verbal abuse against themselves. One of the really sad things about this kind of abuse is that it is perfectly legal to do against another, and therefore never gets reported. My wife does this very thing that is happening to you, and has truly manipulated the LCSW's into jumping through the hoops. The last session I attended was, quite literally, "She's scared, fix him." What really is the problem is "she's not in control, what sentiment can I use to push the therapist's buttons and pin it on that....man (i.e., me!)" My suggestion is one that I got from a wise "old- timer" in a 12- step program to make your home life as normal as possible. It appears that you have done that. My only critique would be to try to discourage the snickering you and your daughter may do, because it merely serves to justify reasons that can appear to be legit for your wife to continue to be angry. After all, no ones perfect- not even victims of domestic verbal abuse. (smile)

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, March 30, 2000

S1

I agree that he should begin seriously consider leaving. I feel this way because of his age and the age of his child.

His story is much like mine in the fact that I have learned to despise my mate. I do not love or like him. Backing off seems to be the only way to survive.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, March 31, 2000

S1

Judge: All due respect, BAIL!!!

Step outside yourself. If a friend was going through this...if you were a judge hearing a case...would you make a child stay in that environment? Would you sentence somebody to that kind of hell?

Dude, you owe it to yourself to get the hell out...and you owe it even more to your daughter. Do you want her to think that a relationship is something to be endured...and, lastly, man, I know you can't really conceive of it right now, especially when you're in the middle of the nonsense, but, Judge, you will be an immensely better father to your daughter when you're not seething all the time about your wife! (read Tex's pages, I know what I am talking about, my brother.)

Will it be tough and ugly and all that? Sure. In some ways, it may even be the same. You'll still be bitched at, you'll still be "the problem", you still won't have a sex life...but you'll be away from the psycho, you can HANG UP THE PHONE when she's nuts, and you won't have to be in the same house with her. Because of your daughter, you'll probably have to have some contact with this miserable woman for the next 7 years...but it won't be every day, it won't be in close physical proximity.

BAIL OUT NOW. It's a plane wreck, and you will do your daughter no good at all if you ride it all the way to the ground.

Take care.

"Tex" Hey Tex, good to "see" you again! Dr. Irene

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 01, 2000

S1

Take your daughter and leave! I grew up in an abusive household. Almost weekly my mother would promise that things would get better or that she would make my father leave. She finally got the courage to ask him to leave when I was a senior in high school. By then I believe that I was doomed to repeat her mistakes. Try as I might to avoid repeating her mistakes I find myself logged onto this site at thirty-five trying to figure out how to straighten out my life. Give your beautiful daughter the gift of peace and normalcy. You might also want to consider a counseling appointment for the two of you! Good luck!

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 03, 2000

S1

I agree with Dr. Irene and most of the other responders: LEAVE. I don't know the laws in your state, but in some states, the child of 12 or more is given the choice of which parent he/she wants to live with.

Good luck. Don't wait 6.5 years. It is too long.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 03, 2000

S1

Please leave her now and take your daughter. I remember as a child my mom was ready to leave my dad for alcohol and verbal abuse issues. Although I was only 5 years old, I was elated. But she decided to stay and work it out for "us kids". Now 30 years later, all 4 of us children are still paying the price for her not leaving....and my mom? She is gone. Not physically, but emotionally. She cannot have an opinion of her own without first making sure it is OK with dad.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 03, 2000

S1

child custody to abusers

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 03, 2000

S1

Dear Dr. Irene and Judge G: I am sorry to hear that your situation hasn't changed, but I am not one bit surprised. My first husband was an uneducated, alcoholic, who physically abused me. My husband now, is highly educated, well-respected in the medical field/scientific community, who verbally abuses me. When I tell him his behavior is no different from hubby #1, he just can't believe that I say that because he doesn't hit me. But Dr. Irene, I'm telling you, I feel the same way after one of his "verbal beatings" as I did after hubby #1 physically beat me. No difference. Another common characteristic they share, and I think Judge G will relate to this, is that there are peaceful periods. I've learned that the abuser is simply reloading and reenergizing their battery. I've experienced this very recently. As far as Dr. Irene's advice to consider leaving, I would consider it too if I were you. You might think you are helping your daughter, but I would bet she would be a much happier person if she only had to see her mother every other weekend. You should get a private investigator to follow your wife if that's possible. Quite frankly, I've followed all of your letters, and I wonder if your wife is even sane. She sound like a sociopath. I'm sure you dream of her doing something really horrible that would require jail-time. I know I have those kinds of fantasies, in turn making the divorce process easier. Consult lawyers, lots of them, and find one that really thinks you could have a chance of winning custody. I don't know what state you are in, but some states tend to be less bias than others about who the child goes with. The Court will care more about who takes care of her now, and who makes the most money. Also, your daughter is old enough to say who she wants to live with, and it sounds like your daughter would choose you. I understand your fear though, as I'm sure do many others that read your story. Good luck. Karen

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 05, 2000

S1

I agree. The Judge should really ask himself: what is the real reason he does not leave? I am sure he will get custody over his daughter.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 06, 2000

S1

Judge G says: "I am flabbergasted by some of the stories I read on your site, where people are treated so horribly and still love their abuser. In fact, I'm pretty sure I despise her. I think I am really clinging to that far off date when I make my escape for some semblance of peace. "

Reader's Comment: I have not reached a decision yet either, but these are some of the things I've thought about a lot. Maybe some of it will be of interest in Judge G's situation.

I understand your wanting to protect your child if she has to stay with her mother. And I know I would feel I was giving the appearance of abandoning my child if I left -- which I would want to avoid. Would it help to think about these things: (1) Have you talked with a lawyer to explore the real likelihood of your getting full custody? What would it take for that to happen? Could you make it happen? (2) How truly necessary is it for you to have full custody? What would her situation be if she was alone with her mother? Would her mother abuse her? Are you concerned her mother would try to turn your daughter against you? Do you really think she could succeed at that? Have you accurately assessed your daughter's strengths and weaknesses in relation to her dealing with joint custody if that becomes necessary? Isn't your daughter becoming older and more capable every year? As she grows up, isn't she living more in her own life (school, peers) and less in her home life? Without the daily irritations of the husband/wife stresses in your home, would your wife treat your daughter better in your absence? Would the two of them have less stress at her separate house without you -- and at the same time you and your daughter have less stress at your separate house away from your wife? (3) Do you think your daughter would stop loving you if you left? Would she stop respecting you if you stay? Does she love you enough to want you to be happy? If your daughter were in your situation, what advice would you give her?

Waiting for your daughter to grow up seems like such a waste of life. Our lives are made up of a limited number of years -- wouldn't you rather spend them living as your best self instead of waiting around being miserable and forgetting who your best self really is?

I am a verbally abused person -- I am also a cancer "survivor". I am not sure how positive that term "survivor" really is -- you seem to be defined as a "survivor" if you live any time at all past your treatments, but still die at a very young age of the disease. The obituaries are full of young cancer "survivors". They all apparently die (along with people who die from other long-term illnesses) after a "courageous battle" during which they are a "real inspiration". Sometimes I wonder if the thing that's most inspiring to people is that it's the person in the obituary who's dead, and not the reader. This disease is a reality for me, and keeping a positive attitude is not always easy. I have been forced to face my own mortality -- not in the form of suicide, which would be a death I could be in control of -- but in the form of dying from something over which I have little or no control. And, Judge, that's where most people are, whether they think about it or not. Everyone will die eventually and most of us won't pick when or how. Since that's the reality, it makes sense not to waste whatever life we have.

You'd think I would know what to do. But the stay-or-leave choice is still not easy. My abusive spouse is awful when he's awful. He is also delightful when not abusive. My abusive spouse is wonderfully supportive when I'm bedridden or in the hospital. My abusive spouse says he still finds my scarred body attractive and says he loves me. My abusive spouse found something nice to say when I became bald from chemo. My abusive spouse's enjoyment of control is a real benefit when I'm hospitalized -- there is no way the staff will neglect me when he's there because he will tell them what to do constantly. (Do they resent this? Apparently not. They think I am SO lucky to have such a jewel -- and of course, in that situation, I AM lucky to have him.) He does a lot of things for me in the hospital is involved in the doctor appointments, treatment decisions, etc. Returning to the hospital, losing my job because I'm too ill to work, being unable to pay medical bills, becoming unable to care for myself if alone -- these are all real possibilities I have to consider. Do I stay and put up with escalating verbal abuse as "insurance" in case the cancer comes back? Do I leave because, whatever amount of life I have, I want to be happier in it and stress is bad for health? What kind of choice is it if I choose to stay and be unhappy while I'm healthy only because that means I would have the option of being cared for if I get sick again? Does that mean in order to be treated well, I have to be very, very ill? Is it starting to sound like a control issue: I'm wonderful as long as I'm helpless, but when I'm capable and active, I'm abused because I am more in control of my own life?

Hopefully this won't seem too unrelated to Judge G's dilemma. He's exploring his options. And I think sometimes when we explore all the different facts and the advantages and disadvantages and the financial difficulties and the children and the timing and whether or not we like our neighborhood, our in-laws, or the status quo -- we overlook one of the absolute facts: We are not going to live forever. We are not going to have forever to make up our minds. We can't procrastinate forever. We won't always be there to protect our children -- shouldn't we teach them by our own example how to protect themselves? We won't always have our in-laws, no matter what. The only thing we can count on is that "change" is going to happen, whether we're in control of it or not. And we are going to die, whether we've decided to live on our own terms or not. Part of living on your own terms might be choosing to stay with an abusive spouse. But realize you're trading six years of your life for it. You won't get it back, and you have no way of knowing whether you have six years, four years or forty years ahead of you. You don't know if you're bargaining away your whole life or only part of it.

No Name, Please

If you choose to stay, do you think you would be able to tell yourself that this is your choice and you are going to make the best of it -- and that you are not going to spend the whole six years wishing your life away?

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 08, 2000

S1

Admit that the relationship is over as a couple. Begin serious negotiations about what is best for the child, given that they won't be together any longer.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, April 09, 2000

S1

So what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, July 19, 2000

S1

I just found this site. The Judge's letter(s) and comments and stories caught my eye. I cannot write much now (because of my controlling husband), but after looking over Dr. Irene's site, I will be back as soon as I can. Judge, when I read most of what you have written, your situation opened my eyes to the truth I have not wanted to face. You have come a long way. I am just at the point, as you were, where I do not know what to do. So, you have given me the courage to take that first step.

Thank you.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, July 19, 2000

S1

Thank you.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, July 21, 2000

S1

Judge:

I don't have a lot of time to write because I have a husband who looks over my shoulder at everything I do, but I admire you and think you have come a long way. I am just beginning, but reading your story and others, I am beginning to feel that I'm not alone.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 22, 2001

S1

I have a few comments for the Judge. First, don't waste your life away. What you are doing for your daughter is wonderful (staying until she is 18). Are you afraid that because she is the mom that she automatically would get custody if you decided to leave now? It sounds like your daughter is smart enough and mature enough to communicate to any court how it would be better for her to live with you. Your wife does have problems and I would say get into marriage counseling, but if you don't love her just leave......for your daughter. I know it's so much easier said than done right? Your child is probably miserable and depressed, but won't show you that because she sees what you already have to deal with. You are benefitting her tremendously if you left NOW! These are just my opinions and feelings. I would love to hear your response to this Judge. I wish you so much luck and happiness.....you deserve it. Don't waste any more time. You are sacrificing your life for your daughter, which is what most of us would do, but there is no reason for you to be miserable. Good Luck and God has blessed you with a great child.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, November 14, 2002

S1

Grab your daughter and run for the hills judge. To stay is to risk your own sanity and, to some extent, that of your daughter too. By the way. Are you a real judge or is it just a nick name?