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Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments to Family Violence

Comments to Family Violence & Gender

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos, Copyright© 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com 

 B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, February 12, 2000

S1

I thought it was a bunch of c&*p.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, February 12, 2000

S1

This site was interesting and full of controversial statistics that I would question. I do believe that men are abused and that women abuse children. I believe that abuse is primarily about control and power ~ and in our society men have more of this. Physically, financially and politically men are in control still. I believe that the family dynamics represent a small isolated version of this much larger reality and that men are generally more violent in the home. The statistics regarding females "admitting" to starting the abuse and engaging in abuse is congruent with the notion that as victims, they believe that they are somehow at fault, and much more inclined to accept blame! This site was a bunch of guys whining. They still make more money, have much more political power and status so I have a hard time with their agenda. No one deserves to be abused and sometimes both people are at fault. As long as women are not paid for their childcare responsibilities and financially dependent on men there will be a power differential that is unfair. If we look at the statistics for intermale violence vs. female violence against females, we see men committing 95 out of 100 of these murders. Men are hard wired to be more aggressive through evolutionary adaptations!! Women are capable of behaving violent, but most of us are scared to death of getting the crap knocked out of us and try our best to de-escalate!! Please give me a break.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, February 12, 2000

S1

The first thing I thought was, where were his references? Then I saw the comprehensive list at the end of the site. I would like to know what the definition of violence was. A lot of the references (and I did not get through them all, nor did I get a chance to obtain the full articles and read them) looked at physical abuse. I think that verbal abuse must be looked at, too. I do believe that a lot of women (and this is my belief, not backed up by references) react to verbal abuse physically (right or wrong, it is their way to fight back). This may skew the statistics. I also agree with you Dr. Irene, that each case must be looked at individually, otherwise the wrong assumptions can be inferred.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, February 13, 2000

S1

During my second marriage I was verbally, emotionally, sexually and physically battered. After the abuse was revealed, all I, or anyone close to me, could talk about was the Abuse. I was not getting healthier and neither were they!

I eventually attended a class at the Center for the Prevention of Domestic Violence and learned about "my contribution" to all of it. At first it was hard to listen to. But, unlike any therapist I had in the past, the lady who taught the class got through to me. *I* had some changing to do!

I wish that I had taken more time to learn how to respond to abuse (and to become healthier), but alas, I did not do that. I married the next man who "came to my rescue". One thing I have noticed is that although *I* have been able to let go of the previous abuse and abuser, then man in my current marriage cannot. Neither can anyone in my extended family. What a shame. It isn't even their "load" to carry.

After having 3 bad marriages, I have realized that all these feminist groups and victim advocacy groups have no real ability to change a victims life. Only the victim can do that!

My final note on this is: My second husband denies the abuse of me and the children to this day. He refuses to accept responsibility. A VERY good example: He said "I'm sorry that your arm got hurt." There is a HUGE difference between that and "I'm sorry that I broke your arm."! During the divorce and custody battle, he claimed in open court that it was actually ME that abused, not him. After I found 4 restraining orders that his girlfriend took out on him, he told the Judge that we BOTH abused him, not the other way around and that we were conspiring against him (what a joke!). He hated that restraining orders were "too easy to get" and that they "always believe the woman". He also suggested that the cast I wore was a fake and that my arm was never really broken.

So, I believe other abusers may be like him. Reverse the blame. Then they create a "men's victim" group. The only ones who REALLY know the truth are the 2 persons involved. So in the end, it only matters to ME what the truth is. And I am the only one who can do anything about it!

Thanks!

Dianne

 

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 14, 2000

S1

Oh my goodness. Maybe we should ask these people if they asked the women how long they were hit, kicked and so on before they finally DID kill or abuse their male partners. I think this is ridiculous because it doesn't go into the family life that led up to the acts of violence. I see domestic violence too much to believe that the studies are truly thorough and unbiased. I know my A really wanted to make me get into fights with him. He even had a therapist convinced, and the therapist told me to fight back if I want to save this marriage, because he needed to know I cared. Oh bull poop. He just wanted a good reason to escalate past the verbal abuse, and to blame it on me. If you really want to prove an idea, you limit the scope of your study to bring the facts that you want to prove to light- and no more. I found this site truly offensive and right in line with many religions who tell you to stay because it is God's will. Believe what you see, not what you read. I know this happens of course, but they make it seem like it is more prevalent than male to female abuse. L

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 14, 2000

S1

I believe there is a bias. I think there is enough data to prove the bias. I also think there are too many people who want and in fact demand the bias for anything constructive to be done about it: At least yet.

Life threatening biases, such as this, are only overthrown when sufficient people are willing to risk their own lives in the overthrowing. We are not there yet: Hopefully within ten years. In the meantime, we must all stand up to bigots without regard to their gender: ALL BIGOTS, ALL THE TIME.

Greg

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 14, 2000

S1

The material on this site was offensively presented, labeling all women who call themselves victims as having a feminist agenda. This is blaming, and does little to solve the problem. Too bad, because I'm sure there are many valid points to be made about gender bias. Maybe the pastoral counselors who created this site view themselves as simply consciousness raising, but unfortunately the result is to turn many of us off to the message they are trying to present. I enjoyed the point made by another reader, that it would be interesting to learn how long the women were verbally and emotionally abused before they hit back. Not that hitting back is OK, but from my personal experience, it took me a very long time to get to that point, and it was one of many things (including allowing my tears to fall instead of holding them back) I consciously tried in my efforts to stop the abuse (of course, it didn't work, either -- so I only tried it once!) But now, that's all my abuser focuses on: the ONE time I pushed him back, as if we are now equally abusive. And yes, I felt tremendous guilt over it afterwards, and was all too willing to blame myself equally for a time -- I would have been one of those women to self-identify myself as abusive for research such as this, skewing their statistics. My husband, on the other hand, denies to this day that HE was abusive, and he would have self-identified himself as the victim (incorrectly). He pushed me to the ground numerous times, threw things at me, destroyed my belongings, yelled at me in front of the children, didn't respect my boundaries, and told me it was all my fault. All of these "minor" abusive incidents occurred when I was happily minding my own business (say, sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, reading the paper). Mostly, I just tried to diffuse the situation, meet him halfway, try to examine myself for anything I could be doing wrong that was contributing to our "relationship difficulties." Finally, I realized I had nothing left to do but leave. So sad. I think that abusers are that way because of an injury to them during the narcissistic period of their development, and this can happen to females as well as males, but also contributing to victims being victims is the patriarchal society we live in, and growing up in a "nice," healthy family does little to prepare the future "victim" for lfe with an abuser. It is totally outside the realm of her (or his) experience. First she (or he) has to identify the problem, but the first place the victim looks is within herself (or himself) -- barking up the wrong tree. Thank goodness this problem is finally coming out in the open.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 14, 2000

S1

Dear Dr. Irene, I read the linked site. While I don't profess to be a social scientist, even an amateur can tell that the site is biased. It's not scientifically reported, although they claim to be reporting scientific surveys. The authors have a very clear anti-feminist, anti-woman agenda. One can tell from the way the argument is written. This is not to say that women never perpetrate violence. And maybe I am simply blinded by the propaganda myself. But in my experience, women are victims of violence much more often than men. And they are much more likely to be seriously wounded or killed by their husbands or boyfriends. I don't believe that there's a feminist or media conspiracy, and I believe that the site's developers are disingenuous. But thanks for posting the site. Karen

 

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 14, 2000

S1

I read the information on the link and found it to be factual and interesting but I believe that our culture is very protective of women to a fault. The abuse, violence, and drug dependencies, of women will not be accepted as reality in my life time by society at large. No one wants to hear or believe that the "gentler" gender could be the perpetrator of such horrible abuses. It would be like turning Santa Clause or the Easter bunny into a monster. Note the extreme horror and disbelief of most people when a child is killed by its mother... even though its not that uncommon. You will notice by reading the previous comments that it will take much more than facts and references, even by the foremost authorities in the field to overcome the cultural beliefs that women are, by their very nature and design, repressed, abused, victimized, and dominated by men. It would be easier to convince people that such women are aliens from another world...or a man trapped in a women's body.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, February 15, 2000

S1

Men can be abused by women. This is an important point to make, and one that needs to stop having a "man-bites-dog" feel attached to it.

HOWEVER, this is no excuse for turning things on their head and saying that women are the real monsters here. My father was intensely verbally abusive to my mother -- in some ways it was mutual, but I could tell that he was the aggressor most of the time. My mother reacted to this by threatening to leave once every six months to two years or so. She also took some of her frustrations out on me, in turn.

I grew up to hate my mother's "weakness" and "manipulation" so much, and tried so hard not to be like her, that I became like my father instead. I didn't even realize it until, in one particularly vicious argument with my fiancé, I heard some of the exact same put-downs my father used on me (in particular, "You're sorry all right, you're pathetic" after I tried to apologize to him for a reason I couldn't understand) flying out of MY mouth. It was shortly after that that I went looking for and found this site, because I knew I didn't want to be like that. And I'm female.

The worst part is, thanks to the stereotype of woman as victim, my fiancé was completely convinced that HE was abusing ME, otherwise I wouldn't be getting so angry with him. And yes, some things I did have reason to be angry about, but there was no reason for me to speak to anyone in that fashion, let alone someone I love.

Stereotypes one way or the other do no one a service.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, February 15, 2000

S1

As one of the authors of the Family Violence Report you linked, I have these comments. First, thanks for the link. Those who raised objections to our report obviously did not read it. Every objection raised was addressed in the report.

For those who thought there was too much of an "edge" to the tone of the report, we agree. We recently revised the report to reflect: "We are toning down the rhetoric and smoothing the angry edges. There are signs that the scientific view of Family Violence is finally coming out of the closet. Angry advocacy is out. Now is the time to be reasonable, rational, and solution focused. We are now referring to feminists and their activities as "gender activists", "gender politics", "gender advocates", "gender propaganda", "gender radicals", "gender terrorists" etc.

However, no matter how we tone the rhetoric there is no way to hide that "gender activists" have deliberately misrepresented the issues. There also no way we can hide that women are at least as violent as men in family situations

Sam

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, February 23, 2000

S1

Isn't the phrase "family violence" an oxymoron? You may be related to each other, but if someone is using violence, that's not a family.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, March 01, 2000

S1

Hi, This is Sydney again. I work at a Domestic Violence Program as their legal advocate. Not every person involved in advocating against DV is a feminist. I bekeive in equality no matter what gender you belong to. What I think is really in question here is not the roles that people assume in relationships, but rather the value and quality given to those roles. That is what I stand for. Everyone in the family takes on a role whether considered to be a "functional" family or a "dysfunctional" family. It is the quality that is being totally disregarded when there is domestic violence. The family unit is of the greatest value when comprising a community. The vast majority are women victims. Afterall, when you look at society and the history it will attest that women has and have been in a "lesser than" assigned roles. It has laid the groundwork for alot of mispersceptions of roles. I honesty wish people would stop being sidetrack by the gender thing. People get so easily diverted by pettiness and do not look at the core problem. It is a devaluing of another human being that is being ignored. SYD shaskell@hotmail.com

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 06, 2000

S1

Hi Sydney, I agree with everything you said accept the gender specific "victimhood" comments. Didn't you want to get away from the gender thing? Given the present state of Family Courts a good case could be made for men being the most "victimized", but then we would be back to the "gender thing" again. We are all perpetrators and victims. Our Family Violence report makes it very clear that both men and women are violent. That is a gender neutral statement.

Bunny Sewell

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 06, 2000

S1

I think this can all be traced to people, male and female not following God's plan for marriage. I know this sounds corny, but it takes two to make a bad marriage and two to make a good one. Were more men, who are charged with the Godly leadership role, to take this role as serious as they do their own ego's, football, work, and other "more important" things I feel sure any "defects" in the marriage would likely subside. I do not know this, it is something one needs to have faith in. I do know that "loving" Gods way is something not tried often enough in our society or in marriages. In defense of women, as we read on you e mails, faulty expectations, projection, immaturity, and a misunderstanding of the biblical term "obideance" leads many man to "quietly" and passively abuse their leadership role, to the degree women often lash out in "mental" self-defence. Is it possible that God was aware of such "personality" flaws in both sexes, and therefore offered "fool-proof guidelines". How many of us can say, we "love" as God intended us to love, whether we are male or female? We, unfortunately, as a society often shun, the obvious in favor of the trendy. Could this be the problem? Until tested, God's plan, cannot be found "false". Power, control, these are not objects of marriage or of any relationship, including parent child. Love has it's own controlling power, if we are just brave enough to try it.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, April 02, 2000

S1

Abuse is abuse whether it comes from a man or a woman. My partner's ex-wife was abusive and violent - she even stabbed him. My brother is about to leave his abusive wife. I have a friend whose mother is abusive. It does happen but I suspect men are less likely to speak openly about it.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 04, 2000

S1

I tend to agree that women can be just as violent as men although women are the ones most often severely injured or harmed. I did a speech in an introductory speeech class about women abusers. The subject was suprising to the students as well as the teacher. Most of the research pointed to women being most often than not the instigators of violence although they were usually more likely to be severly injured. Being the instigator meaning throwing objects as their partner or slapping etc.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 11, 2000

S1

Jumping on any bandwagon? I can't remember the quote exactly, but it says something about 'it takes unreasonable people to change the world.' As a teenager I was involved in various issues - but now, coming up to 40 I ADMIRE those who still carry the torch against racism, homophobia etc., etc. I agree that psychologically there may be questions to ask. Perhaps both sides have problems - the racists/homophobes and those who oppose them. I would argue that here we have 10% at either end fighting for the middle ground - the 80% who really couldn't care one way or the other. Which 10% do you want to win - the 10% who simply accept or the 10% who simply condemn?

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, April 14, 2000

S1

I also admire people who fight for causes. Where would we be without nonprofit organizations? Who will set the boundaries for a clean environment, decent housing, livable wages, animal cruelty, etc.? There is strength in numbers.

I believe the majority of abusers are male, period. Not saying there are no abusive women. Also, my take on the link is that the authors' may have been manipulated by some clever abusers, and they don't really understand victims' potential for acting out abusively at times.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 18, 2000

S1

It's great that 'we' have come to understand DV in all its' manifestations: physical, sexual, social, verbal, financial, psychological/emotional, & spiritual.

DV is about control & power, by a perpetrator over a victim. Most reported perpetrators are men. Most cases of women as perpetrators of DV go unreported and therefore undocumented and hence skewing the statistics. Men feel guilty, weak, incompetent, impotent, etc if they front-up to a Police Officer to give a statement about being beaten or abused by their partner.

Most perpetrators are attempting to mask their underlying relationship fears (eg fears of intimacy and fears of losing those who are closest to them and fear of losing control in the relationship) and psychosocial incompetence (eg poor communication skills and poor levels of self-esteem and confidence) with an aggressive outward display of strength and toughness.

Most perpetrators can learn new skills, to change their behaviour and to express their feelings of anger in an appropriate and constructive manner.

There is absolutely no reason for VIOLENCE to be used as an expression of anger to resolve conflict.

CHRIS.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 23, 2000

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, June 02, 2000

S1

I really like the idea of outside stuff vs. inside stuff. I know myself that I have in the past concentrated on outside stuff because I have been unable, nervous, unsure, about doing inside stuff. As I have become older, it has been easier to reverse this process, although I do add my voice to outside stuff of interest. Interstingly, your website is a very 'outside' activity, on 'inside' stuff to which you appear to devote considerable energy!

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, August 25, 2000

S1

What's politically correct is not statistically correct. I prefer the truth. Women do get abused more often. That's just the way it is. I think anger wrote that website, and I really don't feel good when I read it. I love it when men get help and grow spiritually and I love it when women get help and grow spiritually. I hate it when men, women, children and animals get abused, I hate Abuse, NOT people. For me, I won't visit the site again, to even think they would measure abuse in catagories of "severe" and "minor" in regards to phisical abuse. What about when words hurt? In my humble opinion, someone way underqualified wrote that website. YUCK!

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, October 24, 2000

S1

Maybe we should all stop worrying about bias and gender and concentrate on making resources able to reach everyone and make available help to all easily. I think it goes either way. I know from experience that you can be provoked beyond reason. But that doesn't justify violence. free ways to get help before things escalate and better access to them seem the best solution.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, October 24, 2000

S1

Maybe we should all stop worrying about bias and gender and concentrate on making resources able to reach everyone and make available help to all easily. I think it goes either way. I know from experience that you can be provoked beyond reason. But that doesn't justify violence. free ways to get help before things escalate and better access to them seem the best solution.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, November 27, 2000

S1

minnesota is bias, against men. Minnesota has had just as many women killing their children in recent years. Our family court system does not reconize a female sociopath even after 15 years making the same claims and setting up the exhusbands and boyfriends up on the same charges each time and in the same county courtrooms. She will evenually kill one of her children and due to the bias and her use of the battered woman defense. In this state you do not have to have injuries to be considered a battered woman you just have to say it. With the victim advocates the system even becomes more bias.This woman is an abusers of men. Co workers have found this out. Ex boyfriends. ex husbands. Her first husband was a 14 year old deaf boy she ,at age 22, took from his parents farm. But Minnesota government says because they were within 10 years in age it was ok. Her only concern is for herself. If she does not get her way will she kill?

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, December 27, 2000

S1

I think things get really really messy in abusive relationships. I remember my ex screaming at me in absolute fury because I put parmesan cheese on her dinner & I should have known (how? ESP?) that she hated it. I remember she threw the plate at me and then came at me hitting. I remember putting my arms up to block her but she was so agitated trying to get to me that she ran up against my fist. She said I hit her. I remember that I did not hit her, I was trying to protect my face. I remember that I would have turned myself in had she demanded that I do so. I remember that I would have sworn I was whatever she said I was and had done whatever she said I'd done. I needed to protect her. I loved her so much & hoped she'd come to trust & accept that. I remember that even blocking blows was considered abusive by her. I remember the police coming the final time & I had a towel around my neck to hide the blood running down from the gash in my head. I remember telling those disgusted & disgusting men that there was no problem & that everything had been resolved. I didn't trust them not to hurt her. And I remember how angry the hospital staff were(justifiably) when I wouldn't identify the "boyfriend" who had done this to me - how could I? I promised I wouldn't tell & SHE was sitting right there.

Women are violent too. Most times though it seems MEN stalk & kill their exes and children & then themselves after divorce, not women. The whole world can't be like this - I rarely see bruised faces about on the subway etc. Statistically should I not see dozens each day? I hated that site. I think their logic is faulty, their agenda is biased, and to attempt to ignore male perpetrators by focussing on females is dumb. I also notice how they go on & on about the greater incidence of female instigated violence but have no solutions, no ideas on community involvement, no nothing, only a lot of idiotic mumbling about gender activists and gender bias.

Tess PS - anyone find the scene in Road Trip where the wrong Tiffany Harrison beats her boyfriend and his car with a baseball bat beyond revolting? Maybe the good pastors should attempt to get portrayals of blonde bimbos amusingly and oh-so-cutely committing vicious assault & battery taken OUT of movies? What about Archie comics? Archie never hits Veronica...but the females in those comics are always beating the hell out of the guys (and each other).

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 11, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 11, 2001

S1

JUST A FEW PERSONAL OBSERVATIONS.

The study is not scientific. It does not use data, nor provide a hypothesis supported by positive results due to research.

This site manipulates peoples belief in "science" without understanding good science vrs. bad science. This is an example of bad science.

This site presupposes that reported violence by women is a fabrication. Since when do victims lie about being abused?

Here a few of my own personal thoughts, off the top of my head, in response to only a few statements made in the site.

STATEMENTS: "Children are 3 times more likely to be fatally abused in Mother-only Households than in Father-only Households, and many times more likely in households where the mother cohabits with a man other than the biological father."

MY THOUGHTS: Could it be that most single family households are headed by females... due to man leaving. Thus statistically of course more abuse would be commited by females. How many single families are headed by men. When that number goes up so will the number of child abuse reports agains the single fathers. Abuse occurs usually against the weak; thus the parent against the child.

STATEMENT; "Children raised in Single-mother Households are 8 times more likely to become killers than children raised with their biological father".

MY THOUGHTS: Could it be that since most violence occurs in poverty. Most female headed families are subjected to poverty.

STATEMENT: "Other studies reveal more about female violence against children":

MY THOUGHTS: This statement is in no way scientific or objective. Since when did authors assume that we should "take their word" that their hypothesis is true. The statement "Other studies reveal so therefore believe statement "X" is not science. Please provide "other studies", complete with data and background information.

STATEMENT:

"Eighty two percent of the general population had their first experience of violence at the hands of women, usually their mother."

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: My first memory is that of my father kicking my mother down the stairs.. at sixteen in the school hallway only ONE out of many threats were by a female the rest sadly were by males wanting to intimidate people in the hallways. I've been raped in my bedroom by a male stranger...on and on.... nope I don't think so.

STATEMENT: "Our culture learns to be violent from our mothers, not our fathers".

MY THOUGHTS: "I thought Men represented Philosophy, Society and God? While women represented family.... Our image of society is of violence.... The leading cause of death for teenage males is "male on male" violence. These teenagers then grow older and marry.

STATEMENT: "Yet, 3.1 million reports of child abuse are filed against men each year, most of which are false accusations used as leverage in a divorce or custody case."

MY THOUGHTS: This statement is a criticism of the court system which takes so many precautions to "get to the truth" and yet still let these women get away with lies.

Women, men and children all lie and tell truth depending on who they are. Humans are imperfect.

One thing is for sure; Victims rarely lie. Abusers lie more frequently.

Which makes me wonder about the authors of this website....

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, June 11, 2001

S1

I have just found your website. I have been with my husband for almost 20 years and have realized that we are in an abusive situation. Our whole family needs counseling, but he is trying to make it seem like I am the only one with a problem. I needed to know that mental abuse is real. Can I count on a counselor to understand where I am coming from, when I talk about abuse in this manner? What is the best type of counselor to seek for help? I thank you for helping me see better!

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 08, 2001

S1

HI! JUST DISCOVERED THIS SITE AND I THINK THAT IT'S GREAT. I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT ABUSE IS NOT GENDER SPECIFIC. MOST OF THE TIME IT'S THE MAN WHO IS THE ABUSER, BUT NOW MORE MEN ARE "COMING OUT" AND ADMITTING THAT THEY ARE THE VICTIM OF ABUSE. AFTER ALL, I'VE BEEN LIVING WITH IT FOR 17 YEARS!!!

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, September 10, 2001

S1

Dr. Irene, First, thank you for your site. My daughter recommended it to me. But I must agree that women can be equally abusive to men. I met my wife when I was 19 years old, she was in her 20's with two small children. Their father had left her (so I found out later) because of her behavior. She convinced me of his inadequacies and faults that led her the "leave him", when I now know that he left her for her bizarre and abusive behavior. I was a real sucker.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, October 08, 2001

S1

i want to know if there is any information on verbal abusing

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, October 08, 2001

S1

i want to know if there is any information on verbal abusing

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 25, 2001

S1

December 25, 2001 Dear Dr. Irene: A pretty sad note that I am sitting here, on Christmas Day, researching and reading about "spousal abuse". Nevertheless, some things peak at the most inoportune times. I am in my second marriage, my first was with an alcoholic spouse. I stayed in it much to long because of children "and" because my wife had me semi-convinced her drinking was brought about by me. Having dated a very short time before marriage I didn't have much knowledge of her life or behaviour beforehand. "My mistake". As time progressed I found out of course that the problem existed long before me and many years after me. Only when court mandated did she finally receive treatment. Now in my second marriage I find myself with someone who is "verbally abusive". Any disagreement which I will not submit becomes, by her terms, "my verbally abusing her". I have never used profanity, raised my voice, criticised her looks or weight (which has risen substantially), threatened, attempted to control, etc. On the other hand she has done "all of the above" including threats of physical violence. My attempts to get her in to couseling result in her telling me I should get help (which for my own sake is probably correct). Along the lines of "gender bias" to which I'm responding it seems women have some kind of "get out of jail free card" by virtue of their sex. My wife's family can't seem to see the "whole picture" of our dilema. I'd like to make my marriage work - but I'm about out of steam. Any thoughts? Sincerely, P.T.S.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 03, 2002

S1

Dear Dr. Irene, Would you please address "verbal abuse" with regards to siblings. I have 2 sisters who are in this situation and I need to know if it is possible that it also happens with sisters/siblings? Thank you, T.A.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 20, 2002

S1

Cannot connect to Rob's link...

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, June 02, 2002

S1

dear dr irene, I would like to see some type of imformation on how to help your child cope with a parent who is narc.(i'm guessing) not diagnosed, but does have all the behaviors, she is 3 and he does have a few hours visit per week, he fights with his present girlfriend in front of her, and calls my daughter a liar when I confront him on this. I just need to learn some coping strategies to keep her safe, I cannot afford a lawyer, I have managed to get full custody and he has no legal rights through a mediator........thanks alot..Nicole

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, June 22, 2002

S1

I would like to comment on a codependent relationship from which I have just emerged after four years working in a social-work job. I was the identified victim and did not perceive myself as having the skills or ability to counter the passive agression and humuliation that was levied against me on a regular basis. Fortunately, I never went down to the level of my female aggressor. This was partially out of the fact that I felt intimidated by her. Partially, however, it was becuase of my love for my job and because of my faith in God. I am particularly struck by what you said about boundaries - she thought that I was always transgressing hers - she felt threatened.

David

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, March 14, 2003

S1

he's so stupid just because i said so.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, August 12, 2003

S1

i admire the way you responded to this ;)