How to get Dr. Irene's Advice: Look here!

Ask The Doc Board

The CatBox Archives

 

(Archives)

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for Theressa's Story

Comments for Theressa's Story

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

Up

"S1","B1"
"Theressa,

Thank you for sharing your story. It's great to see your strength and courage to take a look into that mirror. You have definitely become stronger since you have starting looking inside and owning your ""stuff"" and dealing with your codependency. I am codependent and I know how difficult it is to change those patterns that don't work any longer.

I agree with what you said ""your mate is your mirror"". It's difficult at times to see that reflection come back at me. For the first time I am forgiving myself for my ""acting out"" and doing the best that I can. I am learning from my mistakes too.

My grief is from ""letting go"" of all I ever knew to be true.

My therapist told me to look at my life as a chapter in a story. This is just a chapter that is closing as I learn to cope and move on. I am frightened of that unknown but as I see other survivors such as your self grow and become strong enough to make it across through the difficult growth process I can see it must be worth it.

Wow, I hope to be there someday. You offer me inspiration to follow your lighted path to the other side. It's going to be a lot of hard work but it seems well worth the effort from what I can tell in your writings. You should be proud.

Peace to you Theressa. It's now time to take a deep breath look into that mirror. You made it !!!

Many Hugs,

LisaMM


"Submit"
"Dear Theressa,
Now every time I see a Sage plant I will think of you. It is such a privelege to hear your progress and I am looking forward to when we are both fully healed. Watch it doc...we are getting very healthy and we might just be after your job..Thanks for being such a good and wise friend, Theressa. love, Jay",


"Submit"
"Theressa.....

You rock!!!! I'm honoured to have shared this transitional time with you via the ""I am Responsible"" list. You have come so far and inspired so many of us.

With great respect, admiration and love,

Pam",

"Submit"
"Theressa - What a story. And though the details differ, how much of me I see in there. Your story gave me an important insight. I am finally, painfully but finally, separated from my husband of 20 years. And of course now things are ""calm"" and good between us, so I start thinking that it really wasn't how I remembered, those must have been just little incidents. Right! But your story made me see how a recent episode is a clue to how it would be, how it was for so many years. We developed a ""separation agreement"" using guidelines from a book. One part of it is that we will date each other. We had the specific dates in there and written down. There are only 3 in a 3 month period, so it's not a lot. We both signed it. About a week before the date that was supposed to be tonight, I asked him, via email, if he would please make plans for a sitter for our son, because the boy is staying with him this week. I said that I thought we should always do it that way, since the sitter is an employee in our (separate) homes the person with custody at that time should do it. He didn't reply, and I didn't push it. I figured I'd wait and see what happened. A few days later I learned of a party for a musician's group I am in, on the same night we were supposed to date. Knowing that he hates such events, I told the hostess I had other plans. Then the next day he and I were talking and he said that he planned to take our son camping on ""date night"". Suddenly he looked a bit alarmed, and said, ""Oh, gosh, it that OK with you? We were supposed to do something, weren't we?"" Now, really, it wasn't OK. But what I felt was that he was being himself and that this was my chance to observe this. What I *should* have said was, ""No, it is not OK with me. I had been looking forward to it and I turned down another social event for that. I am disappointed. If you have already promised this to D [our son] then let's reschedule it for another night, and let's plan what we are going to do and who will arrange child care."" But I thought - why push it when this is a clue of just where I stand on his radar screen? So I told him that there was something else I'd kind of wanted to attend anyway and said to go ahead and go camping. I completely let him off the hook. Then one day before I get an email about our ""date"" for Friday. I called him and said I was totally confused, because I'd now made other plans based on his telling me that he was taking our son camping. (I was also now 100% certain that no plans for child care had been or ever would be made, even though he had custody of the child that week.) He replied something to the effect, ""Oh, well, whatever. I don't have definite plans for anything. You go on and D and I will go to a movie."" That kind of thing happened on almost a daily basis. I'm over here - no I'm here. I'm doing this, no I'm doing that. I love you, no I don't love you. I'm glad I married you, I can't believe I married someone I've never really loved.

For 20 years I could never figure out if we were coming or going, because he had zero respect for the fact that I am a separate human being. Since I am an appendage, I can just go along with his plans, which change by the moment.

Thank you, Theressa, and God Bless. What a journey we are on. Thank you for the insights and reminders.

""Loretta""",

"Submit"
"I know I posted here.................Theressa I will have to write again as Trubble seems to be very hungry just now. jay","Submit" Burrrrp! Thanks for notifying me Trubble ate the posts Jay. Turns out he was, eh, full.
 

Submit
Monday August 13, 2001

It is amazing what you can do with the support of Friends. Friends aren't affraid of being honest, even when it makes you blue, friends push your buttons and then help you through. Friends are gifts from God/Universe, Friends like all of *YOU* Thanks a million Theressa

Submit
Monday August 13, 2001

It is amazing what you can do with the support of Friends. Friends aren't affraid of being honest, even when it makes you blue, friends push your buttons and then help you through. Friends are gifts from God/Universe, Friends like all of *YOU* Thanks a million Theressa

Submit
Monday August 13, 2001

Theressa Some of what you say in your story strikes a chord with me.... So often we think that circumstances or environment or the people around us are what is making life difficult. I am discovering more and more that I am 100% responsible for my attitudes and what I *do* with my feelings (which can often be “nothing” – sometimes that’s exactly what’s needed) and the amazing thing is that I can actually create harmony for myself even in ugly and difficult situations.... Now, I’m not perfect and occasionally I expect I’ll “act out” on a feeling, or reach my breaking point before I’ve realized it. I’m sure many more obstacles will be thrown my way that I won’t know how to approach, and that’s what I think the exercise of “life” is all about.... Like you, I have lived in “relationship limbo” for what seems like forever. Yet, there must be something that it is here to teach me, since I am still in it. I am trying to stop resisting those lessons, and accept the fears, the misunderstandings, the differences in opinion and even the differences in belief systems between my partner and I. The less I am threatened by all of those things, the more clear I become and the less clouded my partner’s vision of me – because I am living by example, not preaching, not trying to change him. If I see the two of us as explorers on planet earth with unique missions, then I tend to judge him less, and accept that what I want to learn here is not necessarily the same as what he may want. He has free will, as do I. The biggest comfort for me is the thought that things really are just as they should be for my highest growth. I believe it is that way for you as well. I will still deal with pain, and I will most likely “forget” what I have learned from time to time, but then I will get the opportunity to “relearn” and be reminded of these universal truths.... I think true empowerment is about letting go of blame for our lives and our environment, and taking responsibility. It seems like you are well on your way there, dear Theressa. ~love Asha

Submit
Tuesday August 14, 2001

Though I know this is going to wrap all funny, I wanted to post this for you anyway... it is a lovely classic poem, which I'm sure you've heard before ~Asha--- D E S I D E R A T A Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the council of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all of its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. ~written in 1927 by Max Ehrmann (1872-1945)

Submit
Saturday August 18, 2001

Your story is a great inspiration for anyone who was emotionally abused. I can see you each day getting stronger and wiser. So keep going on this path and you'll find happiness in the future. Never stop trying to achieve your goals. Stay focused, stay happy and you'll find what you are looking for in your heart. A Happy Hungarian from UK/Timea

Submit
Monday August 20, 2001

Hey Theressa, Maybe my post will go through now Trubble seems to have a live lunch to distract him. Ypu are right you have come a long way and you are gaining speed all the time! Great to know you my 'catbox' friend. love, Jay

Submit
Tuesday August 21, 2001

Submit
Tuesday August 21, 2001

Submit
Wednesday September 19, 2001

I am touched by this story. I feel as If I am in the same position with my boyfriends right now. I just don't know what to do.

Submit
Tuesday November 13, 2001

Submit
Sunday June 02, 2002

I hopeto get where you are

Submit
Sunday June 02, 2002

I hope to get where you are

Submit
Wednesday June 05, 2002

Today I cried for the things I knew I had to face. The reality of my world is not very appealing at the moment. The future is not going to get better in an instant. i am older and more tired than at any other time in my life. Resources to begin a new life... again, are depleted. Yet, I have to leave this abusive relationship with a man who cannot or will not respect me. I love him, and I love myself. The story of Theressa's struggle has reminded me that it isn't going to happen all at once. More importantly, it won't happen at all until I begin the journey. Theresa, you give me hope. I so desperately needed that today. I feel more willing to accept the challenge now.

alone (hopefully) in Oklahoma

Submit
Tuesday September 24, 2002

how can i help a friend who iss somewhat like the vampire these people are describing

 Up