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(Archives)

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments to She Breaks My Heart

Comments to She Betrayed My Heart

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos  Copyrightę 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

 

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 16, 2000

S1

George, I think you've made the same kind of mistake that so many of us make - you are not alone. You've let what she thinks of you (total lack of respect) become what you think of you. Its time to be strong, take the kids, and build a new life!

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, July 17, 2000

S1

Dear George,

How I understand what you are talking about. I love my abuser and he refuses to see even the smallest detail of his problem. All the problems are mine even if his screams at me.

So what keeps us stuck? I wonder, George, if it is the fantasy that it will be ok. Usually, the person who has the capacity to hurt you can also be very loving at times. Is your wife at times good to you or is there only bad?

Pia Melody, writes in her book sit down and evaluate the relationship. Write out all the good things on one side and all the bad on the other. Be honest, she says, with yourself and decide if this relationship has value.

I would like to extend my empathy to you. It must feel very lonely and frustrating to have a heart condition and have to walk home from the hospital. You deserve someone who would go to the hospital, stay with you and carry you home if necessary. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic and I believe love for another includes caring for their well-being.

You don't say how old your children are but whatever their ages abuse effects their lives. Since you are already doing most of the work and earning most of the money, would taking your children and moving on be an option? Sometimes we will protect our children from things we can't protect ourselves from.

Listen to Dr. Irene, George, she knows what she is talking about and the books she has posted to read are life altering. I promise you information can change your point of view. To understand why we behave in a certain way and that there are patterns to this horrible stuff can help ease the pain and guilt we sometimes feel. Information is power. My favorite book and one I would love for you to read is Pia Mellody's, "Facing Codependence : What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives ". It is well written and she has walked in the same shoes. She gives a powerful explanations as to why good people like you and me end up hurt, broken, and in pain.

I think you are making a big step to write to Dr. Irene. Good Job! You see something is wrong and it is time for change. Excellent! Anyone that can walk home from the hospital has some grit. Keep going!

Awareness puts us on a path that we can never turn back from. Even if you would choose not to go further in understanding you can never go back to being unaware. It seems scary, especially at first but don't give up. Get support, join the lists, talk to the wonderful people there. It feels really wonderful to have others who care and show support.

By the way, I like your name. My Father's name is George, my brother's, my son's.

Chin up, George your among friends.

Faith

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, July 17, 2000

S1

Chances are, if she didn't care enough to be with you or even wait around to see when you could be picked up from the hospital, she doesn't care period. Some counseling will be a good idea, because even if you get a divorce you will still have to co-parent the kids. Maybe in the meantime you can hire someone to help out with the work. Setting specific boundaries in clear specific language is always good practice-starting out in your mind what YOU want and don't want. Getting clear is very important. When I started out I had to get the therapist to explain to me what a boundary IS. It is much more of a challenge because most of the boundaries in a relationship are not visible ones. Good luck in your growth. It will affect your health in a positive way, too.

 

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, July 17, 2000

S1

George,

I'm sorry to hear your story. I understand where you are coming from as I faced similar issues. I can't say anything better than Faith already has! She did an excellent job of discussing co-dependent feelings and even stating reasons why we sometimes stay in these relationships. The fact is that you need to be "just fed-up enough" to finally say "this is it"!! I think leaving you at the hospital should be indicative of "who she is". Look at it this way: What are you losing by giving up your relationship with her? Pain and heartache? Walking yourself home from a hospital while you're seriously ill? (this is what homeless people would have to do - you have a wife). Destroying your self-esteem and your children's lives? Most of all, ALLOWING YOUR LIFE TO REVOLVE AROUND SOMEONE ELSE WHO JUST DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING BUT THEMSELVES? Start your education now and here is a good place! The fact that you've acknowledged these issues is a major step forward. Good luck and write to us and we'll do everything we can to help you. Yeah, love yourself!

Love yourself! LHW

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, July 17, 2000

S1

Dear George, It's sad to to realize that we are so many who is going through the same. I lived in an abusive marriage for 12 years until I got courage to move out with the kids. We didn't divorce and we remained "friends" until I asked for divorce after living separately for 14 months. Now he is trying to revenge the best he can. I advice you to move out and step by step try to get away from her, emotionally. See how she reacts. Take care of your children especially and think about their future. They will be more harmonic later. Take care!

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 18, 2000

S1

You deserve better George and there is someone out there that will respect you and love you. You just have to believe it.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 18, 2000

S1

George, hit the trail. Fly like a bird. Take a hike. Get a one-way ticket. Take your kids out for ice cream and never come back. Dump her. She shows no indication that she thinks there's anything wrong with your relationship. Get out before your kids grow up just like you- unhappy. This gal will mess with you after your separation, and with "her" kids, so be prepared. You deserve, and your kids deserve to see, a normal adult life.

Lots of good advice, I think. Let us know what you think George.

 B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, July 20, 2000

S1

George, 7/20/00

Hi my name is Crissy. I just read your story and all I can say is "why"!!!! Why didn't you leave when she cheated??!! I have a policy with the men I'm with, no matter what the circumstances are, if my man wanted to be with me and we've made it clear to each other that we're exclusive then that's all that matters. If he goes behind my back and cheat, NO MATTER WHAT, he's gone!!! And that's that!!! I deserve a man who only gives himself to me unselfishly as I would give of myself to you. In other words, if I treat him wonderfully, I expect the same treatment in return!!!!! "Why" are you still there?? I've heard of trying to keep things together for the kids but your situation is horrible!! She doesn't love you and has zero respect for you, I bet as far as she's concerned you're dead. Even with kids involved she's made her stance on her feelings towards you and the marriage (by how she treats you).

My advice to you is, stand up to her and tell her to go to hell (not around the kids). Then walk out, don't give her any opportunities to reconcile. You don't deserve that at all!! You deserve a good woman!!! And even if you do get counseling it's very likely that things might change "temporarily" but then go back into the horrible cycle they were in. Most abusers do that. But she's made it clear that she wants nothing to do with you so I would walk out and never look back!!!!!!!

I have some experience with guys that have had similar problems. My ex-boyfriend used to be like you, he worshiped the ground I walked on to the point of self-degradation (putting himself through hell). Out of respect for him as a human being, I told him that I was beginning to think of him as more of a friend than anything else. I would never put myself in a situation where I would have to treat him the way she treats you to send him the message loud and clear "LEAVE ME ALONE".

Please don't get counseling for your marriage, get it for yourself so you can find a real woman who deserves all that you relish on her. If you ever need to talk or need more advice anytime please feel free to email me at : camoxley@hotmail.com.

I have been known to be a good listener and give excellent advice.

Good Luck and God Bless,

Crissy Moxley

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, July 21, 2000

S1

 

George, 7/20/00

I want to apologize for being so harsh in my previous letter. You need support, love and guidance not harsh words being "slapped" in your face. A couple of my own flaws are impatience and bluntness, which I am working to change.

What I should have said is that I "encourage" you to seek counseling for yourself, so you can begin to love and respect yourself again. In all reality, I really don't think seeking counseling for your marriage would work. Abusers (esp. as far off the deep end as she seems to be) never really change. Even a temporary change is just temporary and you deserve a woman who can love you as whole heartedly and honestly as you love them. Obviously this woman would not do that.

We are all here for you for support morally or spiritually--whatever is necessary. In my previous email, I enclosed my email address--please don't hesitate to get in touch with me anytime any day if you ever need to talk or vent.

God Bless, Crissy Moxley

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 23, 2000

S1

George, I have been married to a physical abuser and now to an emotional one just like your wife. We have finally found a marriage counselor with a clue to the problems that we have. The things he was saying made so much sense and helped so much. But I was quite literally standing at the door with a suitcase in my hand before my husband would even admit that there was a problem. (Not that he admitted that he had anything to do with it.) This is usually what it takes... We have only had one session together and it has made all the difference in the world. Then, I found a link to this website and it has described my husband in detail over and over in the examples of real people with this problem. I was so shocked! I was thinking, "Oh, My Gosh! It's US!!!" For 18 years, I have endured one or another kind of abuse and I was not about to live that way for another moment for love nor money. You must choose. Also, realize that it will help your wife as well to live a happier life. Marriage counseling is the best thing we ever did. But make sure you find one with a clue to the emotional abuse issues. And know that you have worth and value no matter what she says or does. It will truly free you to be happy. May God Bless You and Comfort You. And you...

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, July 27, 2000

S1

Get out of there George. Having been there I know that it's hard but once you spend a few days in the freedom of all that stress of the "eggshell walk" you will know that you did the right thing!

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, August 01, 2000

S1

This is only one side of the story. Each partner in a troubled relationship sees the other's faults better than their own. If George is to blame in any way, he has not mentioned it here. It takes two to argue -- doesn't he contribute in any way to the conflicts? My SO and I also have terrible arguments. I know he's unreasonable and insane when he's angry. Still, I don't have to react and fight back. He also has very bad heart disease, and tells me I'm killing him because of the stressful arguments. He thinks he can use that all the time to prevent me from objecting to anything or defending my rights, or questioning his authority and all-around rightness. George sounds like a martyr and an innocent victim. I bet my SO could portray himself as the victim, as the one who is generous and loving, while I am cold. Anyone who had not witnessed any of our arguments, or the abuse I'm subjected to, would believe him. He is so convincing he has convinced himself. I'm not accusing George of being the abuser. I am only saying you can never tell from hearing one side of it. Dr. Irene, I think you should consider that George's wife may have some legitimate complaints of her own. Maybe his portrayal is accurate, and maybe it's a little distorted. Some people love to be a victim. I know, because I have that tendency. But I know the problems are not all my SO's fault. You are absolutely correct. It is impossible to make an assessment with only one side. Even with stories from both sides, it is sometimes very difficult to figure out who is doing what, especially if both partners have acting out tendencies. Yet, one side is the  only side we have. I'm sure George is human and has many faults; he comes across as the fed-up victim who is full of rage. I'm sure his wife has her own laundry list. 

Nevertheless, it is George who is asking for feedback; therefore, it is George to whom this reply is directed. If George wants to pull the wool over my eyes, it is likely he's pulled the wool over his own. He is getting what he asked for. The reply and the feedback, including yours, may get him thinking...

Regardless of which partner is the most abusive, my advice to George holds. If he is ill and the marriage is making him sicker, why is he there? If he feels so terribly mistreated, why is he there? If you read the site carefully, you will realize that my replies almost never "side" with one person over the other. While I truly empathize with each person's predicament, I plainly point out what I see as each individual's weaknesses - and urge them to fix it. Neither person is made right or wrong. The question is: are they living up to their fullest human potential? Clearly, George is not.

Finally, this pair sounds as though they are at a stalemate. One person's leaving might be the trigger to help both of them start working at fixing themselves - and their marriage.

 

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 10, 2000

S1

I knew it