Comments for Second Marriage

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyright© 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Sunday August 05, 2001

JO, My situation is so very similar to yours, except that when my husband had enough, he would take his daughter and leave us. My 4 kids were ages 3 to 8 when we got married, and his daughter was 5. The kids think of him as their real Daddy, after 8 years of marriage. I did not learn as quickly as you did. We are now divorced, since he was getting ready to leave again, and I said instead that I would give him his life back. I had no idea where to find advice or help, and there were some well-meaning friends who pushed me into seeing his abusiveness, and how harmful it was to my children...they pushed me into getting divorce papers, saying I was co-dependant and I was not protecting my children. I hope you are successful at learning these lessons, and that your husband is open to learning with you. Beeleevit

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Wednesday August 08, 2001

Hi Jo, I think it's wonderful that you have realized your part in the tango. I have to agree when we stop blaming the other guy and look inward to our part things do seem to change and get better. There is one part that concerns me though and I know this is not in your control and that is, has your husband done the same. Looking inward and finding his truth in the tango? Is he taking responsibilty for his part? I commend you for your part. It takes alot of courage to look into ourselves and find the answers and the truth. It's not easy and it is painful. Which I think is alot of the reason that abusive people do not admit to themselves or anyone else that they are abusive. It would take a really good counselor to get them through this very painful part. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you and your family the very best. Tina

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Thursday August 16, 2001

Hi Jo, That is great that you could see where you went wrong and when you "resigned." I was wondering what your husband's response is to your new beginning. Is he seeing things like you are or is he still stuck in the old ways? Thanks, Jes

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Friday August 17, 2001

Jo, I admire you for being able to look at yourself! This is hard to do. You should be very proud of yourself and your family.

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Wednesday September 05, 2001

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Sunday September 16, 2001

When I first started reading this, I had to stop and ask, "Did I write this one to Dr. Irene?" I had written before and she never answered mine or posted them. That's ok. But when I saw "second husband" I knew someone else had written this! My husband is my third. He took me on with 4 children and we have a daughter together. We have now been married 10 years. So much of your story could have been written by me. I justified my interference because I felt that he was verbally abusing the children and that it was my job to protect them. My kids were not out of control, but we had our challenges just the same. I have 2 ADD boys and that is a handful in and of itself. Our marriage became a nightmare when he started stealing my sons' Ritalin to crush and snort. I am still dealing with the decision making process. I haven't left him even though I have told him that I want a divorce. My kids wish that I would leave him. My oldest is 16 and is very disgusted with all 3 of the men who played 'father' to her throughout her life. I pray that your situation turns out better than mine. I would say thank God to the chemist who created "Concerta". It is an extended released version of the meds that my sons' take which cannot be crushed and snorted, so the problem of my sons' not being medicated has been resolved. I admit that this is a "lazy womans" way of dealing with the situation. I know that I was shocked when I say my husband's Social Security report of earnings. What a wake up of how little he contributes. He has earned 1/6th of what I have through the years and cannot maintain consistent employment. He takes money from me and the kids. Even though I take steps to prevent him from having access, in the end I sabotage my own steps at protecting the money. I hate that I have allowed this all to happen and am working at becoming the person I need to be to do what I need to do. Pray for me.

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Saturday March 23, 2002

Hello Jo, My name is Melissa . Your article caught my attention because I too already had four children before my second marriage. Now I share a daughter with my second husband. We have our struggles. I know he took a lot of responsibility on when he married me. He loved the children as if they were his own and I couldn't ask for a better husband. However, we too have our diffucult moments and struggles. Yes...discipline struggles. Our ongoing argument is basically how we dicipline the children. Sometimes I feel like he is too strict on them. Its definatley a hard position to have being the mother who would like a happy medium. You know... enough positive reinforcement along with the dicipline so that the children learn what is right from wrong. Its hard to watch a man that was an only child brought up by his grandparents try to raise your own children. I've had to accept the fact that he is trying as hard as he can to do what he thinks is best for the kids. I don't put him down or try to undermine him in front of the children. I will talk to him about it later and tell him how I felt about his decision with the childrens' dicipline. I guess what I'm trying to say Jo is that it sounds like you have a good man and try not to let the little things in life bring you down. There will be good times in your marriage with him and bad times. You have to expect that. Remember to communicate. Tell each other how you feel. Try to look at the better side of things, because it could always be worse. Hang in there Jo. I know how you feel. Its difficult at times but try to remember how precious life is and try to enjoy it with the wonderful family you have. Take care and God Bless. Melissa