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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

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Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Tuesday November 20, 2001

This guy is a writer? What is a 'former female spouse'? Did she get the operation? Very puzzling word choices, in my opinion he should have his thesaurus removed...... ouija97  Too bad he doesn't have your sense of humor!

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Wednesday November 21, 2001

My first take on this is that it is a publicity stunt to sell his book. But I can feel the hostility of multiple unresolved issues with his "former female spouse". I assumed spouse was female, but he felt a need to clarify that, maybe not so much as to identify his sexual preference, but to let all of us "ladies" know that we're bashing men and women can be abusers too. Well, he's not well read. you have stated in multiple sites here that both male and females can be abusers. It just so happens that it's male abuser's in greater number. I'm a victim of male verbal/physical abuse. My greatest support right now is a co-worker who was the victim of female abuse. He understands how I feel, because abuse is not gender oriented. It is the same attitude, manipulations, mind-games, mouth as a lethal weapon, action vs. words that we have in common. It was done to him by a female partner and it's being done to me by my husband. If this person is really a psychologist, he should feel secure enough in his professional knowledge base and experience that he wouldn't have the need to e-mail you the above. He "bothers" to say what he said he wouldn't and I think he "doth protest too much". It might be very interesting to hear from his "former female spouse".

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Thursday November 22, 2001

Dear Dr. I., Well, I guess you won't need me to tell you whether the man is right or wrong about you (giggle). What I found most disturbing was that someone unable to voice his feelings of frustration and /or disappprovement in a more polite way, is apparently let loose to, God forbid, help people like us. I find that scary. It might be better if therapists who have such huge, apparently unresolved, issues in their personal live, would have the courage to say they are unfit to help others, at least with some issues. Love Aj Thanks AJ

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Friday November 23, 2001

What a holier than thou and abusive attitude and then he posts his name and book, this guy obviously does not have the common sense or intelligence to not display his verbal and emotional abuse on women in such a public way and then post his "work" afterwards. IT is really horrible that you were the target of such a hostile, unhappy and vicious man and then hilarious that he ended up stabbing himself in the bum..lol

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Saturday November 24, 2001

gee whiz doc why give this clown a forum? Better ask Trubble...

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Monday November 26, 2001

Irene, Tried sending this to Dr. Murphy using his above e-mail address but it wouldn't go through. Do you have another address for him? Cindy

Dear Dr. Murphy, Regarding your e-mail to Dr. Irene Matiatos which she published on her www, if it wasn't for her, I would be divorced by now. I am married to a man who was a verbal abuser (mainly covert type). A past counselor who specialized in verbal abuse didn't give me much hope leaving me & others under the impression that it's next to impossible for verbal abusers to change & become healed people. Other books also reiterated the same notion. It was Dr. Irene who gave us hope & told us change & healing were quite possible but that it was a lengthy process & would take work. I can personally assure you that Dr. Irene, aside from being a brilliant psychologist, is compassionate & caring regardless of what gender one may be. A prime example of this is that she has taken quite a few urgent & repetitive calls from my husband long after business hours - something I don't think most therapists would do. I could go on giving you examples of the compassion & concern she has displayed to both me & my husband but will end here. Sadly, Dr. Murphy, your harsh accusations only display that you have some healing to do yourself... Wishing you well, Cindy xxx Cindy, I removed your last name. Thanks for your kind words... I printed what was sent; that was the address used... Irene

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Tuesday November 27, 2001

If this man is a psychologist then I shudder. Thank God for people like Dr Irene. What an extaordinary way for anyone, male or female to react. Perhaps when conscience loses then one has to justify oneself with a diatribe against those who are in a better place? Jay[kk]

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Friday November 30, 2001

I'm confused! I have been married to the same man for 25 years and a so tired of being verbally and emotionally abused. I feel like I need to go away by myself for the weekend, but I don't know where to go, especially for free? Any thoughts?

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Sunday December 02, 2001

Either I missed something, or I'd never make a psychologist. I've just been surfing around the site but I couldn't see anything that looked like a "rage screed" to me. If Michael is diagnosing you as a secret sadist or something he must be picking up on smaller clues than I can see! Or maybe he's just ticked off. No sweat, the Net is full of flames lots worse than that. We could ask him, but it's cheating to ask for the answer without trying to solve the puzzle first! Could he be talking about Wayne's page on angry men? That's a screed ABOUT rage. And it does stereotype men. There's a line there that says "men are struggling with the problem of buried feelings. These feelings are hidden so well and buried so deep that they cannot feel at all." Huh? Where'd that idea come from? If Michael's a psychologist I'll bet he gets bombarded with anti-male junk along with proper research, and if he had an abusive wife on top of that he's probably had it up to here with attacks on men. I dunno though, he made it sound like it was something you wrote yourself. I didn't see anything I could call "group stereotyping," but I did see a bit of sex bias here and there. I mean, if you go to the page that talks about The Abuser, right up front it says "verbal abusers tend to be male." That's funny, they always said it was women who have sharp tongues! More seriously, I don't see how that fits with all the research that says women and men slap each other around at an equal rate. Maybe that's the "voluminous data" Michael's talking about. I don't see why verbal abuse should be any less gender-equal. If anything women have an advantage! I did a quick search on "statistics" hoping to find out what "tend to be" meant as a percentage. I didn't see any numbers, but I did find a page about Violence and Gender, talking about that very equality issue, and I saw a disclaimer that this question was "outside your scope." So I'm trying to figure how to make that fit with a statement that "verbal abusers tend to be male," wondering where that claim comes from. There's no references cited. To tell the truth I was scratching my head over that whole Abuser page, the Bob and Dana bit. I mean, maybe these are people you treated or something, and you know more about them than it says on that page. But I was reading the story and I couldn't for the life of me see what made Bob "the" abuser. Abusers are always right? But Bob just said Dana was right! Then it says abusers justify their behavior. But they're both justifying their behavior! And Dana didn't look very "co-dependent" to me. She takes care of herself all right, with her hairdos and manicured nails--and lots of clothes too perhaps? Then there's this stuff I read about who's got the "power" in the relationship. It looked like Dana to me. She's got the choice of giving up her extravagance, and then maybe Bob would stop worrying about money and come out of hiding. I don't see what choice Bob has to get her to give it up willingly. Even if he did whatever she wanted, she's saying there's no way she's gonna give it up. All Bob can do is assert himself more than he's doing, and cut her credit cards in half to save them all from bankruptcy. If he doesn't get tough with her then maybe he's playing some game, but then they're both playing games, not just Bob. So if Michael read this page, well, there's no "rage screed" or "stereotyping" there, but without clear proof that Bob is "the" abuser, to be honest it still looks like inventing a way to blame a man for being fed up with a self-indulgent wife. I thought I saw something somewhere about this work on verbal abuse being "new." I'm not saying there aren't verbal abusers or anything, but it seems a bit slippery to me if it somehow produces results that look arbitrary, like "Bob must be an abuser." That's what made me wonder who came up with this claim that verbal abusers tend to be male, and whether it's based on some biased method. OK, that business with Bob only looked arbitrary, but there is another page I saw early on that had this list about "does your partner do such-and-such?" and that looked sex-biased to me. Most of the things on the list were sex-neutral, but it included some that men are more likely to do, punch holes in walls, drive like a road-rage junkie, treat you like a sex object, criticize hairstyle perhaps, and maybe "control" money, if men make more money to start with. I didn't see "spend money extravagantly" on the list (is that what lets Dana off the hook?) or things that women are more likely to do, especially "withhold sex or use sex to control you," a real biggie, and perhaps "criticize your talents or your earning ability." The word "nag" wasn't on there either, though some men complain that's "like being nibbled to death by a duck"! It looked to me as if someone got this list up to make women look better than men. Or if this stuff is new maybe they haven't worked all the kinks out yet. Anyway I don't quite get why Michael was flaming you like that about sadism and whatnot, I'm only guessing around at what looks anti-masculine as he said. Like to know where this stuff comes from though. Yours, Coggy.

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Wednesday December 05, 2001

"Foundation of cruelity and callousness"? "Anti-masculine rage screed"? "Unconscious sadism"? "Puerille assertions"? Its a misunderstanding, a hoax or the author lives on another planet. Zig

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Wednesday December 05, 2001

To Coggy: Ever notice the sites dedicated to gay/lesbian relationships? Bob had to "get tough with Dana"???? Tough? Please define that. Coggy, what I know for sure is that I'm in a verbal/emotional abusive relationship....and it's a HE!

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Monday December 10, 2001

Yuck yuck yuck. Did he lose his mind? Love, B.

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Sunday December 16, 2001

Off topic - I love those pics of Trubble! How adorable :) I have not been on this board in a while. I didn't understand what the author was alluding to really. Well, I mean I got a clue (!) but he did not provide any examples; just abstract innuendoes. I take it overall that he was implying we need more compassion here for abusers? Yikes, that's what kept us stuck so long with the abuser as it is. Let God, therapists, friends, etc. provide that. Victims have already given everything they have. "Demonizing" abusers, if that is what he meant, may be a fair assessment on occasion - as well as some male bashing - but I never saw that whatsoever in DR Irene's writings. At all. Just some sporadic posts by victims and periodically cliques going on such tangents but those few are not reflective of the prevalent tone or goal of the site. I don't know how many victims Murphy, Michael J. (DMH) has assisted, but the proof is in the pudding here. SOMETHING right is transpiring because there are too many success stories and recovery stories that those negate the few who are gender biased or perpetually seething with rage toward abusers. Terri

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Sunday December 16, 2001

Off topic - I love those pics of Trubble! How adorable :) I have not been on this board in a while. I didn't understand what the author was alluding to really. Well, I mean I got a clue (!) but he did not provide any examples; just abstract innuendoes. I take it overall that he was implying we need more compassion here for abusers? Yikes, that's what kept us stuck so long with the abuser as it is. Let God, therapists, friends, etc. provide that. Victims have already given everything they have. "Demonizing" abusers, if that is what he meant, may be a fair assessment on occasion - as well as some male bashing - but I never saw that whatsoever in DR Irene's writings. At all. Just some sporadic posts by victims and periodically cliques going on such tangents but those few are not reflective of the prevalent tone or goal of the site. I don't know how many victims Murphy, Michael J. (DMH) has assisted, but the proof is in the pudding here. SOMETHING right is transpiring because there are too many success stories and recovery stories that those negate the few who are gender biased or perpetually seething with rage toward abusers. Terri

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Thursday December 20, 2001

I have no idea what this guy was reading. I have been coming to your site off and on for almost 2 years now. Nowhere have I ever seen anything that was "anti-masculine". Where applicable, you address the abusive female partner. It just so happens that the vast majority of abusive partners are male. I have really enjoyed your website and will continue to visit from time to time. Your site has given me much valuable information to help me stop abusing my family and probably had a hand in saving my marriage.

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Friday December 21, 2001

I have always appreciated that your site has made the point that abuse is not a gender issue. I studied in social work school and on discussing abusive behaviour in relationships one female lecturer she made the comment to me that she believed that females were not really capable of abuse because the are basically nuturers. Other professinal females seemed to hold to the view that females do not abuse. It was very convenient for them I thought as some of them appeared to be very skilful in this area. It was refreshing for me to see that you as a female professional was able to discern that abuse is perpetrated by both genders and your site portrays that victims can come from either gender. The work of other peple such as Susuan Forward in her book Emotional Blackmail has helped as well because she used case examples where both genders where involved in different roles. I do however believe that Coggy has made some valid points and I must admit I have glossed over these before because I was so enamoured by this site due to the wonderful material it possesses and probably my codependent traits. I have given out many hardcopies of articles from your site to many clients in my role as a social worker and of course referring them to the site itself. I continually enjoy this site. I only really disgree with you, Dr Irene when it comes to politics. I do not think much of George Bush as a leader. He frightens me. However we have a Prime Minister by the name of John Howard (not John Hunt as was published by one of your leading newspapers while he was visiting your country)and if ever you want to swap I am prepared to negotiate. All the Best MAC Australia

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Tuesday December 25, 2001

I challenge 'The published, licensed, forensic psycologist' hiding behind those titles to tell us if he has found the courage to start his own healing and recovery. Has he been able to 'care' for his 'abuser' rather than spout misogynistic invective, demonizing those who would do so themselves? It's OK, it may scare the daylights out of you, but it sure is worth it! It's OK, Trust yourself, its' Safe! Geoff

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Tuesday December 25, 2001

I challenge 'The published, licensed, forensic psycologist' hiding behind those titles to tell us if he has found the courage to start his own healing and recovery. Has he been able to 'care' for his 'abuser' rather than spout misogynistic invective, demonizing those who would do so themselves? It's OK, it may scare the daylights out of you, but it sure is worth it! It's OK, Trust yourself, its' Safe! Geoff

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Sunday December 30, 2001

Michael Murphy has written an email showing his pain and the fact he is still holding on to his anger. This site with the readers who access it should understand this man. It’s not hard to understand. Most of us who have been abused be it emotionally, physically, sexually, etc. have the scars forever. Yes, we function. A lot of us go on and try again. Some commit suicide. Some wear the shame, pain, anger, memories on there sleeves the rest of their life. Abuse is not a male or female role only. There are Moms and Dads who abuse the kids, their male or female children abuse parents, and partners of the same sex, male or female and partners of the other sex get abused. Granted someone can argue that a larger percentage of one group may abuse more frequently. But so what! What does that matter when someone is getting a beating? Should that make it easier knowing that group abuses less often so my pain it not important? We all lose sight of the problem when it becomes some kind of a who does it more contest. Abuse is wrong! No matter who is doing it and no matter why. Wayne L. Misner

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Tuesday October 08, 2002

Dear Dr. Irene, Albeit late to this conversation, might I ask you a few questions: Firstly, did Dr. Murphy give you permission to publish a private e-mail to your website? If so, one would expect acknowledgment of such. By inference, it seems you have published Dr. Murphy’s work without permission. As an author yourself, this seems unprofessional at the very least. In regards to your therapy, I wonder why you use labels, why you refer to suffering human beings as abusers, or victims, or narcissists, or sociopaths? Why would anyone with compassion and sensitivity burden an already struggling soul with the mantle of an ugly label? Why would anyone in the profession of truly helping choose this format? A therapist offers confidentiality, a safe place to reveal what is in the deepest recesses of one’s soul…..there is no true help without this. Cheap platitudes, sexism in the guise of fair-mindedness, buzz words and pop psychology do not truly bring one to a place of healing. And as far as your clients and their testimonials, ie; Dr. Irene saved my marriage! I hope you have stood back from the glory, and explained humbly that you have no such powers. It is the couple or the individual who makes his/her own journey to wellness. If you Dr. Irene, are ever blessed in your life to witness such, you will then know. Me….I am just a human being, a bookbinder by trade, not a mental health professional. Been on the journey, though. Easy to recognize an original manuscript versus a cheap reprint. MWS.

 

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