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7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

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Comments for Narcissist Divorce

Comments:  Narcissist Wants Divorce

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2003. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Friday February 14, 2003

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Saturday February 15, 2003

Now that I have been seperated for a couple of years. I can confirm that it has been much more peaceful at home and better for my children. I have made the right decision. It was not easy but I know in my heart I am saving my children years of pain too. In some strange way it has been a gift to me because I have grown so much in the last couple of years. I wish you the peace and light in your journey. It's worth the hard work you are doing!

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Sunday February 16, 2003

Dear Coping, I agree that one day you will be thankful that the guy wanted a divorce. I would suggest that you focus on yourself and not make your child the center of your life. I focused on my son too much and now he is a verbally abusive 22 year old!! I am starting the Tough Love program and I am praying that things improve!! I wish you blessings! --Antoinette

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Sunday February 16, 2003

Hi Coping I know things hard to deal with right now. But just give yourself a chance and it will get better. Thank goodness your husband left after what 51/2 years? My husband abused me more than 20 years. And like you, I loved that man. Yet, I was never good enough. He had a life in mind that he wanted to live and it didn't include me nor the children. My husband pushed me out of his life years ago...and push me out of our home in 1998. Atfer 8 months I returned, feeling that, through all of his pleading, everything was going to be so much better. Of course things were better for about 3 weeks. Then things became worse than ever. Well needless to say, he pushed me out of our home again in 1999. The trauma of this almost overwhelmed me. I began to have very bad thoughts. I stayed sick alot because of the seperation. At that time I thought: how cruel of my husband to treat me that way. However, through much emotional healing, grief/growth, positive thinking, positive associates, and a lot of prayer, I feel my husband did me a "GREAT" favor. No more abuse for me!! You sound like a loving person. Don't forget to love yourself. Counseling will help. You and your daughter have a grand opportunity now that he's gone. Once you get beyond this, you will thank him for giving you a real chance at life. I speak from experience. Stay in touch with this site. It will help you heal. Best wishes...Trish

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Wednesday February 19, 2003

where is god when u need him. my husband is very controlling & threatens me when he is angry. i have nowhere to go. what keeps me here are my kids , but i don't want to start over again. i've done that before & it was really hard. i hate my husband right now & wish he was dead. is that wromg? help!

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Wednesday February 19, 2003

Coping- I divorced my narc. ex 10 years ago, and have been involved in the never-ending court battle from hell since then. We have two children together. I spent over $50,000 and 10 years fighting this guy in court. The judge FINALLY saw that this man is an abusive father, and awarded full custody of our two children to me. He spent lots of energy fighting for half custody of the children, and now that he has no legal custody, he doesn't even bother seeing them (maybe 4-5 times a year, for about 2 hours). He has done everything he can to not pay child support. He is an electrical engineer, and quit his job. Then he took another job for $30,000 more than what he was making, but told my attorney and me that he was unemployed. The ONLY reason he got caught is because I tried to get him to pay half of a medical bill, and he revealed that he suddenly had medical insurance for the children, that would pay the bill. I am soooooo relieved that I divorced him. And I appreciate the journey I have been on since then, because I like the person I am today. Be very, very thankful that he left. It was the best thing that could have happened to you. And DON'T take him back, no matter how much he says he changed! RELIEVED

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Thursday February 20, 2003

I am recently divorced after 28 years of a marriage that mirrors yours. I am so wounded--for years I BELIEVED I was not trying hard enough---that love was the answer---of course, now I am healing and beginning to believe differently. It was always my fault, the children's fault, his parents fault, he even told me he was a good husband, that he didn't beat me, he kept a steady job and he didn't have expensive toys. I am now 57 and don't see much hope in finding a mate---but I am happy and my days are full. Don't be sucked in like I was

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Thursday February 20, 2003

I wish I had some great advise to give you, but unfortunately I feel I am in the same situation. I married last May to my second husband. My first husband and I where married for 16 years. I am 35 and feel I will never get over my divorce. I have 2 children and begged my first not to go through with the divorce, but he had met a 19 year old and thought thats what he wanted. Anyways I married a man one of my closest friends set me up with thinking it would just help me see there are other men out there and it would get me out of bed from being so depressed. He said and did EVERYTHING right and I thought God brought him right to me. It was a month after the marriage that he did a complete turn around. Quit his job of 20 years and then became verbally and Physically abusive. I have been covered in bruises before and honestly thought I wont live through it at times. My friends have tried everything to get me away, and the one that set us up feels terrible. I made such a huge mistake and long to have my life back with my first husband. It has been 2 years now since my divorce and 4 years for his. I think he is so angry about his wife leaving him. We have tried counseling, but we cannot afford it anymore. I have secluded myself from everyone because I am so embarrased that I am in this mess and cannot get out. I would be in a worse situation financially and mentally if I divorce him. I cant find the strength to leave. Please help! I feel so alone and ashamed. Kelly

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Friday February 21, 2003

coping- should we all just cope? mdm

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Saturday February 22, 2003

Being a divorced mom is not the stigma you think it is. It's all in the perspective. What are you really losing here? Certainly not a grown man. His behavior is childish and irresponsible. Please...those type of men...they are a dime a dozen. However, there are also men out there who are responsible adults. Your husband can't take care of himself, never mind anyone else. Cut your loses and move on. And don't feel like you failed because of your profession. There is an old saying, any doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient. When you get married they either stay the same or get worse. Some people buy into that myth that getting married will fix things. Well it doesn't, it only magnifies any problems that exhisted before. You are so much better off without a dead beat dad and husband. Personaly my opinion is good ridence to bad rubish. In reality you can do much better than him. What is he giving you that is worth while and enhances your life? A nasty attitude? Driving you into debt? Being a lousy husband? Being a lousy dad? Think about, what is worth while about any of those things? If you make up your mind that any man who doesn't treat you with the utmost respect and kindness gets the boots asap you won't have to deal with the type of crap you have had to with your husband. When men behave badly..say oh no..not with me you don't..buh bye..don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way. You teach people how to treat you. Another thing to keep in mind is with a narcissist it's all a game. You'll never get that carrot they dangle in front of you. They want to play games..well then they can play all by themselves. But you see they have to play that game..they need to. They need you more than you will never need them. They are terrified you will figure that out. Life is not perfect and you will make mistakes. I can't tell you the things my friends and I have experienced in our lives. We've learned from each other and laughed and cried over it. But that's life, it's messy at times. Sometimes the best thing and the smarted thing to do is cut your loses and walk away. I'll give you an example here. I was in the market for a house. We found one we loved. But the seller grew more horrid as the closing grew near. I said enough of this..I'm not putting up with this. Well everyone was horrified. I also dumped the realtor. Then guess what happened. I found a realtor that turned out to be terrific and an even better house for less money. The closing was a breeze..no problems. Mind you when I walked away from that other house I only had two weeks left on my lease, so I was in a tough time crunch. But I never lost sight of my attitude, which was oh no..not with me you don't....find someone else's chops to bust. I also never lost sight of the fact that the word no is so powerful. The word no stops and prevents getting your chops busted. I think it's a blessing in disguise that your pseudo husband and your childs father wants a divorce, because know you will be free to find the real deal. As long as you stand up for yourself you will be just fine.

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Saturday February 22, 2003

I realized after posting a response that there are many other posts. The read the post only link needs to be set up.

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Sunday February 23, 2003

Dear Coping I know this is hard for you, now. But count your blessings. Abuse is a killer. You and your child are set free. Start enjoying life! You'll love "Life" and "Yourselves"!!! Be happy...........Macy

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Monday February 24, 2003

Dear Coping, Please know that you (nor anyone else who is "remotely" realistic) could NEVER be the MYSTICAL woman your ex-spouse imagines he deserves, for the man HE imagines himself to be. A Narcissist (from my own experience) lives and exists more in their own imagination/fantasies, than in the real world. Fantasy is reality to them and vice versa. Thank your lucky stars and go on. Live in the real world, trust your own instincts when you sense something is ocurring that is neither healthy nor honest, and don't move forward with anyone who cannot handle realistic accountablilty. If someone "accuses" you of not trusting them...when you have reason not to trust their intentions...(or no reason to know "trust" is a standard they adhere to yet) just acknowledge that trust may be an issue, and descibre the method by which trust may be earned. Might also help to remember that "accusations" can be a method of controlling/abuse and take any and all unfounded accusations as a red light saying STOP here and don't go further without honest resolution. Good luck to you. I divorced a Narcissist 25 years ago, and have led a most interesting and wonderful life since then. My outlook on trust is that...it can be developed between two people with honesty and accountability...or it will fail to be developed. When I ran into a trust issue with any man during my 2nd "courting stage" in my life, if I could not go forward from that incident because of that issue...I didn't. Did I have short and partial relationships with many men because of that. Yes. But I also developed the best relationship I've ever had with one man because of that, and it is still going strong today, 24 years later. We still use accountability and honesty to sort out any disturbances or disagreements we experience, and it works beautifully each and every time. Hang in there til the best man for you comes along. He will if you are using the right tools to measure him by. (As well as yourself, of course!)Have a happy and productive life. Sincerely, Lucky

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Monday February 24, 2003

Dear coping, I to am facing a divorce after 27 years of marriage. My self esteem is really taking a beating like no tomorrow. I feel so responsible for the entire mess I now find myself in. I rushed into the relationship with my husband because (I know now) I thought no one else would ever love me, I desparately wanted a family. It turned out he had committed a crime just prior to our marriage and never told me about it. The day we were to go on our honeymoon he was arrested. I was pregnant and because I had a deep faith felt I should stay in the relationship. This turned out to be the pattern through the years. My rescuing him and trying to keep my relationship and home stable. I still find it hard and blame myself for the pain in my childrens life. Reading your comments and story make me feel better knowing you hate divorce and struggle with it to. I hate myself for being so vunerable and stupid and wasting my life. Lynda

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Tuesday February 25, 2003

Coping, I guess the answer is no but has he ever tried therapy? Have you ever suggested it? I know when I decided to go into therapy myself my husband started going. I could tell you some pretty awful stories too but I do believe things are better now than they would be if my husband left. He still needs ALOT of help but I realize I do too for doing some behaviors that you described above. When I shut up about things I was putting a time bomb to my feelings. Anyway, my husband was REALLY HORRIBLE and I am having a hard time forgetting those times, I guess scared to let them come back. All this is just alot of rambling(sorry) but curious if you had your lawyer suggest to him he try it and you yourself went into therapy you might be able to get through the growth process you guys need to have to function for this adorable daughter who really is your priority at this point. Yes?

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Tuesday February 25, 2003

Dear Coping, I'm in a relationship much like yours. I've been here for 21 years and I fear leaving. God Bless you and your daughter. I admire your strength!

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Tuesday February 25, 2003

Coping You are not alone. The uncertainty will pass. Then you and your daughter can enjoy life without so many fears. All the best to you both, Kelli

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Wednesday February 26, 2003

Coping, Sounds like you're making decisions & are on your way to rehabilitation once your divorce proceedings begin. If you feel like giving into your STBX, just remember all the times he belittled you/ignored you/threw a fit... That should keep you moving in the right direction for your little girl. JM

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Wednesday February 26, 2003

Coping Sometimes we're thrown into situations that seems the worst when they really turn out to be the best. I think that's what has happened to you. In a little while you'll look back and thank your husband for leaving. He doesn't deserve you, anyway. Life is just waiting for you!! I hope you find your way soon. I have. It's hard. But you can do it, and you will. I wish you the best. Pat Pat

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Thursday February 27, 2003

I wish you luck, and I hope you get a counselor to work this thru with. I think it is harder when the narcissist leaves you, because you have to work off all the attachment you get for them. This is what I am trying to work through right now. I was married 20 years, my husband got cold and distant after we adopted our son (who is 7 now) one night I came home and he had moved out, he didnt even think enough of me to talk to me about it. I feel like I need to tell him what I think of him but he will never let me talk to him like that. It turns out he moved in with a girlfriend, I didnt know he had a girlfriend. It turns out that while my father was very sick, and I was spending a lot of time with him, he got this girlfriend, but she was involved with another female then, he broke them up. Then when my Dad died, I guess I gave more attention to him again, so he broke up with this girl, and then after we adopted our son, I guess I didnt give him enough attention again, and he took up with her again. And then now he left. I am trying to get thru this and move on, but there are so many things that keep popping up, and then I still have to deal with him with our son. He is so intimidating to me, so I am working on keeping with the rules set by the court for the temporary hearing. When I do stick with them, this makes him madder, and he lies to me about what the rules say, and tells me I am going to make the court angry at me for breaking their rules, which in reality I have not done. So I am seeing that he lies and manipulates things. And then I get confused when he acts nice to me, because then I think maybe he is regretting this, but right away there is something that shows me that he regrets nothing that he has done to us. He quit making any kind of financial contributions to my son and I when one day I got so sick of him demanding to take our son whenever he wanted, like 5 days a week from 9 am til 9 pm when he was only 5 years old, that I told him he was a coward for leaving like he did and he was just a visitor to us, an outsider and we would get along just fine without him. I felt really good, until about a week later, he left a note on my counter saying he could no longer afford to make any kind of payments to us. So I had to file for divorce. I am so afraid of what this might be doing to my son, I dont want to have a broken family, but it is. My son told me he feels calmer and more organized at home now. My son also had some nervous tics, that are now gone. My sons teacher told me that about a month after his father left, she noticed better behavior in him in school, and thought how odd that was that a child whose father left started to behave better.

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Thursday February 27, 2003

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Thursday February 27, 2003

Dear Dr.Irene, I am a 53 year-old father of three who has been their primary caregiver for the past 6 years. My oon-to-be exwife fell from the state of feelings over 6 years ago when I, for the first time in the 17 year marriage, was unable to provide as well as I had through the years due to my industry having gone sour. Before this happened there were never any complaints regarding the marriage, though I would request more intimacy and playfulness. Though she was spontaneous and loving while dating me, after we were married her attention was focused on our first child and later, between the births of our daughters, starting her studies to be a nurse. Always doing what she thought others expected of her and rarely tending to our relationship. She graduated top of her class and immediately took a specialty in neonatology...always demanding the sickest babies. Soon became charge RN and leader of many task groups. She moved out of the family mome 3 years ago and left the then 12, 14 and 17 year old children with me. Of course, I was always employed...but no longer the major breadwinner. We had entered therapy together and I continued upto last year. She met a doctor last year and only weeks after having dated him for supposedly the first time, she used his divorce lawyer (he was divorced for one month)and had papers served to me filled with factual lies and claimed to have been living in the home with the kids and lots more. I sought a lawyer and for the past year have been dealing with a person filled with rage, capable of lying on many levels, and acts as if I were the one who did the leaving. Understand that I was a husband who showered her with gifts, encouragement, laughter and was grateful for the little attention she gave me. She is still a sad little girl with a career and seems will never see any other side but what she believes. I have been dating and realize that I am a good man and a wonderful dad. Several caring women have helped open eyes to the fact that I did not feel that I deserved more (married my closed-up dad) and considering some of the trash floating out there calling themselves evolved males, I am so blessed to be able to describe my journey though only in small pieces to those reading this. To tell the story properly would take an evening. So my word to those ladies and men who have been knocking themselves down---talk to the people who know you the longest and some who are interested in knowing you better. Perhaps they can see you through clearer eyes than yourself...and if they tell you you're better than that...belive it! Best of luck...Magicseeker

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Thursday February 27, 2003

Dear Coping, Your situation is oh so very familiar to me and I truly feel for you. I too married a verbally abusive man. He was very insecure, jealous, controlling, and manipulating. I had hoped that marrying him would change all that, that he would somehow feel more secure in knowing that I was his wife. What a mistake! He consistently accused me of being unfaithful despite my fidelity. He even got jealous of a male flight attendant on the way home from our honeymoon, which brought me to tears. I thought to myself "Now what have I done?" His behavior continued, sending my emotions on a roller-coaster ride. I, like you, was blamed for every little mishap in his life. I was labeled "stupid" countless times. After I earned my Master's Degree I, too, became the bread winner while he sat back and spent all the money I brought in on "only the best". He would even "buy" me expensive jewelry as gifts charging it to his credit card, yet I was the one paying the bill. After 5 yrs. of marriage with me doing my very best to hide his verbal abuse, always putting on a smile when someone we knew stopped by during an arguement, I told him we needed counselling. He refused saying that we didn't. Two yrs. later his verbal abuse and anger escalated and he hit me. Just like you, I did not believe in divorce. Furthermore, my mother had warned me from the beginning not to marry him. She had seen the results of how he treated me when we were dating. I'd often come home crying. I did not want to hear her say "I told you so". But, there came a point in time when hearing those words from her was better than hearing anything he had to say to me. After 9 1/2 yrs. of marriage I finally did what I never thought I could. I filed for a divorce. I didn't think he'd even care since he always talked about getting one. Ultimately I do believe it's what he wanted, but he continued to manipulate and control right down to the bitter end. He made out great too, even got half my retirement account and half the value of the house for which he never paid a penny. (Who says "all is fair in love and war"?) But he didn't get ME! I took back control of my life and it was all worth it. It was as if my wings had suddenly been untied and I could fly again! My family and friends were very supportive and I am happy to hear that you have a strong support group as well. I will pray for you and your daughter that God will bring you peace and comfort. And I will pray for your husband, as I pray for my ex, that his eyes will be opened to the hurt he may or may not realize he has inflicted so that he, too may be healed in the process. Yours Truly, Sympathetic

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Thursday February 27, 2003

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Friday February 28, 2003

Dear Coping You probably feel the world has stopped turning, right? Well, you're wrong. Your world has just began to take off. Don't look back! Ahead of you is a wonderful world free of abuse and neglect. You and your daughter deserve to be a part of it. Wishing you much success! Reka

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Saturday March 01, 2003

Dear Coping, I am in a very controlling marriage. Its a long story but would like to be friends. I do not know how to get out. Sincerely, Dee. I too feel divorce is a weakness but do not know what else to do.

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Saturday March 01, 2003

Dear Coping I hope you are doing o.k. Your daughter really needs you. I know it's hard, but it will get better. You are not the blame for all of this. You sound like a good and loving person. try to use this as a time in your life to grow and be kind to yourself, and live. Really live. Stay in touch with this site. It is very encouraging and supportive. We are in this together. We will survive. Traci

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Saturday March 01, 2003

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Sunday March 02, 2003

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Tuesday March 04, 2003

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Tuesday March 04, 2003

Hello Coping Your husband leaving opened an avenue for you to experience new things, to experience life without abuse. With bravery and fear you will weather this storm. And once things start to level off, you will see clear skies like never before. I hope you find someone who will treat you like a "QUEEN". Take care of yourself and your little girl. Lana

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Wednesday March 05, 2003

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Thursday March 06, 2003

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Friday March 07, 2003

I know your story..I'm living it. We were together for nine years, and I had several miscarriages. In my fourth month, he told me that he was in love with someone else, kept the door revolving. It took over a year but with the help of a very good shrink, I am getting out. My main concern is for my son, becaue my ex's family is full of narcissists and autism (any links??) best of luck, if I can do it, you can, because my husband ground my self esteem DOWN.

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Friday March 07, 2003

I know your story..I'm living it. We were together for nine years, and I had several miscarriages. In my fourth month, he told me that he was in love with someone else, kept the door revolving. It took over a year but with the help of a very good shrink, I am getting out. My main concern is for my son, becaue my ex's family is full of narcissists and autism (any links??) best of luck, if I can do it, you can, because my husband ground my self esteem DOWN.

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Monday March 10, 2003

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Monday March 10, 2003

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Tuesday March 11, 2003

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Thursday March 13, 2003

I have one answer DON'T COPE............... After 40 years of coping it has come to a end. 61 years old and thinking that the years, they wer'nt that bad, well maby thay were! I now find out the bagage that I carried. And I'm starting to unpack. Other people tell me they knew and could see the problem. Why was I the last to know? I gave alot of my life to only get steped on over and over again, but did not know at the time. I tell my self and a new love in my life WE will never cope again. For to cope is not to live but to pack your bags for a trip into hell. Thanks for your site: John

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Friday March 14, 2003

Coping, You WILL make it through. My (soon-to-be) ex-husband is a narcissist too. Nothing is ever good enough. He never gets enough attention, love, support, or material possesions. I've known this in bits and pieces through our entire marriage of 5 1/2 years... but never so clearly until he said our marriage was over ... 9 days after I birthed our second child. The reason: HE simply wasn't getting enough love. I have a two year old and a two month old... no job and a PhD to finish. Some days, I think I can't ever get through this. But most of the time I know that I, like you, did my best for him and me and our children... our family. But we can never please someone who cannot please themselves. I will pray for your daughter, when I pray for my own children, that she will have a wonderful childhood and grow to be a happy adult because she has a good mother to care for her. Best, LKC

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Tuesday March 18, 2003

Hello, Coping! You are very brave. You are a wonderful inspiration for me, too. I am in a similar situation, except my husband won't let me leave... He says I would be the first to do so, not him. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You must be very proud of your inner strength (if not now, then definitely down the road as you look back). Dr. Irene, this is the most helpful website on verbal and emotional abuse that I have ever come across! Please keep going with it! We need you!

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Thursday March 20, 2003

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Thursday March 20, 2003

Funny thing, I just prayed to God this morning... Lord, if you can't (or won't)take me out of, deliver me, or rescue me from my current situation then you will have to help me cope! He answered me (through the Word), Not only will I HELP you cope, I AM your coping mechanism! I am in a very abusive (verbal, mental, emotional... everything but physical!) relationship, I have spent the last few yrs. trying to make things happen- or not happen in my marriage. I have failed miserably. Currently, I am standing STILL- allowing God to move, and He is! I believe it's harder to stand still than to DO something, but I am learning daily: It's not a matter of being controlled, or controlling... God IS in control! Kelly

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Thursday March 20, 2003

Dear Irene I was readiing this story & I thougt I was reading my life story, I have a dauther almost 5 years old & my husband sound the same as this person's husband, the only differance is Im not divorce yet, I dont know how to leave him, I have been married 8 years & dating him 2 years so altogether 10 years & I dont want to be a divorce wife, Im afraid of being lonely, but I know that he treats me very bad, he doesnt trust me, he always calls me names, everyday we get in fight, I think he has mental problems he comes from mom that hurted him emitionaly in the past & dad that let him do what ever he wanted to do, he doesnt listen to anyone, he thinks Im stupit & lazy, I work in a doctors office, take care of my house, cook when I can & he still calls me names & breaks everything in the house & treats to leave me & dont want me, my family always tells me I deserve better, but I dont know what is keeping me from leaving him, I dont know if its love, or thinking that I need him, or Im use to him, but I really need help & gudiance to make my self understand that I deserve better, I hope I can get that help. thank you.

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Thursday March 20, 2003

Join a codependent group or go to the alliance for help to recognize verbal abuse, hearing others share similar stories keeps you strong. Don't let your professional status keep you from asking for help. I am a professional and other professionals attend the alliance, too. Bless you and your child.

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Thursday March 20, 2003

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Sunday March 23, 2003

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Tuesday March 25, 2003

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Tuesday March 25, 2003

Dear Coping Please don't ever feel you deserved this. Our husbands are the ones who should protect us, love us, care for us, and make us feel that if the rest of the world falls down around us, we will be o.k. But that doesn't happen. Instead things like walking out us ocurrs. Well guess what? When they mistreat us, use us, neglect us, and abuse us in every way, they are hurting themselves alot more than they hurt us. Why? Because we are the best thing in their lives. We loved them and cared for them in every way we know. We are valuable!!! They can't find "women like us" everyday. But once we're gone...we're gone. Your husband leaving is a blessing in disguise. Love yourself. You deserve "YOU". He doesn't. You sound like a smart lady...get on with your life. Do good for yourself and your daughter. Don't look back. A narcissist is not worth your time. We are not batteries that they keep drawing enery/power from, making us weak. We are not brooms that they use at will and return to the closet. We are not yoyo(s) or puppets that they control. We are women, strong women. Women who will make it!! You are strong because you let him go!! STAY STRONG!!! GREAT THINGS AWAIT YOU!!...Lenza

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Thursday March 27, 2003

I feel as if I am living the same life. I have been married for almost 2 years and have a 2 month old daughter. Before we were married we often fought and like you I thought this was completely normal even when he would call me the "c" word. He's like Jackel and Hyde, one day he's wonderful and the next it's like he's possesed. I am afraid of having my daughter split between two parents. I can say though that he does take care of our daughter, but how he treats me is not acceptible. I think of leaving him often, but don't know where I would go and am afraid of him doing something harmful. I feel as if I am in a very bad dream and will wake up next to someone that loves and respects me for who I am. But that never happens at least not yet. Sympathetic

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Thursday March 27, 2003

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Thursday March 27, 2003

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Thursday March 27, 2003

Accept responsibility for your actions as well. Dont blame "everything" on your ex or anyone else for that matter. Can you honestly say throughout the whole relationship you have done no wrong? Of course not!...realize you are not perfect either and in not being perfect at times you may not make the best decisions concerning others "personal" needs(that is human nature none of us is perfect). Find a mate who has the ability to recognize their faults(this is key!) someone who can act upon that recognition in a positive, productive manner as well. Someone who isnt too proud to apologize sincerely(are you?) and someone who isnt too proud or emotionally fractured to express themselves with proper communication techniques...then watch a wonderful, functional relationship bloom. If you are in fact in tune with "functional" behavior .You will often times know how to spot chronic dysfunctional behavior in others long before a serious relationship or marriage ensues. Take responsibility for your actions and learn from this experience...Best wishes!

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Friday March 28, 2003

Don't go back to him when he comes begging! He'll tell you everything you want to hear, and then when you remarry him, WHAM! Nothing has changed. Believe me, I remarried mine 2x (for the kids, I told myself). I am now trying, after 17 years of this, to figure out how to get out again. Be strong! You are on the right path. God Bless! Darlene

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Sunday March 30, 2003

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Sunday March 30, 2003

Dear Coping, You will get through this. As Dr. Irene said, you will thank him one day for saving you any more years of pain. I too am learning this lesson from a narcissitic boyfriend of 6 years. He has owed me money for two years now, and has been buying himself stuff like clothes, toys, whatever else. When I bring up the money he said he planned to pay me not too long ago, to just start with some type of payment, he makes a joke of it. My problem is I start chuckling too, because I don't want to cuss at him anymore. Either I'm too lenient or too hard. But I rather be too hard, because it's really not a joke. I'm out of there. The relationship must die. All my best, Spirit@Ease

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Monday March 31, 2003

I also just got out of a very damagimg (emotionaL) and some physical relationship and wow was it draining, I never really understood how much of a spell these controlling men have on you, I have done alot of reading about controlling men and there behavior and its as if they knew this man i was with, they are always right and it will never matter what you say or do for them,they cannot love you, they only need you to belittle so they can feel good about themselves, and you can not reason wth them its to draining, so you end up giving in just so you can have that little bit of what they call love for a few minutes, remember LOVE IS CONSISTANT, unlss they get help and i mean really get help you will live like this for-ever;;Break the spell and get away, I still have feelings for this guy, but im learning my self esteem was low and he made it even lower, I had to get away, it was like being in hell for 2 yrs, Coping, please email me at realtywoma@aol.com, I would love to talk to you an maybe we can get thru this together, Thanks,from ....I have my life back

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Tuesday April 01, 2003

Dear Coping, I also have a husband of 22 years, who 5 months ago says he realized he didn't love me any more. I have lost 25lbs over this time. He moved out 6 weeks ago. I have been seeing a therapist and we saw her together to discuss parenting issues. At my next appointment with her she asked me if I knew what Narcissism was, I said I did and she explained to me that spending an hour with him she could see this personality disorder in him. I then went on the internet and discovered the truth about my life over the last 22 years. I found discriptions of the abuse I have endured over this time. WOW! Now that I know this whats the next step in the healing process? I guess just to keep working on my needs now. Discovering what they are. I would like to communicate with someone who has also expierenced this. Although my husband is a bit different than yours he is the ultimate charmer everyone loves him, hes so helpful to other people and gives his job everything cuz his job is his most thing in his life. well thanks for letting me vent. Shelley

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Tuesday April 01, 2003

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Wednesday April 02, 2003

Dear Coping, It sounds like you were not ready to take the steps that would lead to ending your marriage. It's too bad that so many of us see the act of divorce as the failure ("To me, divorce is the ultimate failure in life, ..."). Looked at from another angle, if you keep deciding that the status quo is acceptable you are making mistake upon mistake upon mistake. Your marriage really "failed" long before the he left. You just hadn't acknowledged it. And by the sounds of things you might still not acknowledge it. If he promises to change, would you take him back , would you you give him another chance...without him proving his efforts to change first? Or if you protested his return, would you be swayed by his arguments or attempts to blame you for breaking up the family? If you can say no to these questions, then you really have learned something. ANd you won't need to rationalize that he is a "horrible man" and you are "the best possible wife and mother". The honest truth is you are saying that he is not the man you want to grow old with. Can you accept that and find the courage to move forward with that simple truth? Good luck.

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Thursday April 03, 2003

Coping, I have been there, when you aren't ready to tell yourself that this husband, that you love needs to be out of your life as much as possible. That is the hardest part, but once you make that decision, just do it for your daughter and yourself. You are worth it! Once you admitt it and commit to making your life better for you and your child than all of what you have been through would have been worth it. It might not seem like it but with God all things are possible and he is there carrying you through all of this. I was married to a gay-alcoholic and when that marriage ended after 17 years I was very lonely and mentally abused that I couldn't see straight. I got involved with a Narcisstic man for 7 years ( never married him) but I thought we were close and in love but to him I was a meal ticket and someone to play with their emotions, he did a number on them that were already battered. I know that if it wasn't for my relationship with God and Sites like this one, I would have gone nuts or died. Narcissitc people are very dangerous, they need to be far away from normal people like us. They don't live in our world. They have there own distroted one, that no child or adult should be around. I have two children that saw right through him but it took me time. I was in too much pain from my marriage to see. I see now and that is what counts doing something when you do see. Good Luck and I wil pray for you, you have a soul sister out there! Have a great day!

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Thursday April 03, 2003

Dear Coping, First let me tell you how great you are for seeing the relationship and HIM as what it is. I am in a situation( marriage) that I live on his farm and there is not a day that goes by that I am not being yelled at for something. I told him last night that I was sick and tired of is verbal abuse. I personally believe that my son before took all the verbal abuse. There is not a day that goes by that my husband is not yelling about something that I probably have done. A little while ago it was him coming into the kitchen questioning me about his tapes and how someone had been messing with his tapes that were out in the machine shed and his microphone. I am sick of it. I am tired of being treated this way. I know it comes from the way his Father treated his Mother when he was child but it is getting to where I have no respect for this man and every day that he leaves for work it is actually a blessing that he is gone so I can have peace and quiet. I do not claim to be perfect but I am sick of his verbal abuse and his going through the house or outside to see what I have done or if something has been moved. All I can say is Good luck!! You have greater strength than I do at this moment but I know that it will not be much longer before I am the one that is leaving. Sincerely, A person that admires you

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Sunday April 06, 2003

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Tuesday April 08, 2003

I just found this site after desparetly searching for a "reason" my husband of 19 years suddenly wants a divorce! So of course, it's all my fault he is the way he is. He is so cold and mean to me, but I continue to be the loving wife HE needs! He doesn't have to meet my needs because he ALMOST convinced me of what a horrible wife I have been! Thank you for the wake-up call!!!!!!!!!!

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Tuesday April 08, 2003

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Sunday April 13, 2003

I, too, am mrried to a narcissist person. Married 26 years. I always felt something was not quite right but could not put my finger on it. Then after some couseling and lots of reading..........i know it was narcissism. Oh yes he is kinda proud of the whole idea. Puke--vomit anyway, he begin to have a friend (female) and the drinking was more and more. Also his anger and all that behavior was getting more often. I finally had it. He moved out 2 weeks ago. I am the one that is visiting the lawyer. He thinks we could just wait for 2 years before we do any legal action. Mainly to save on child suport for my 16 year boy. I have a 18 year old girl too. Or should i say we have a daughter and son. Right now it is hard to think of him. But the last 2 weeks have been quiet and it is soooo much easier to think. I am now really trying to figure everything out without his presence. i am rambling and there's so much to the story but i just wanted Coping to know....yes he did you a favor. Get out and don't look back. Been-there-done-that

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Wednesday April 16, 2003

Sometimes I think abusers will push a "show of hands" because they truly believe we will once again return to the cycle of abuse. I have been told that women return to an abusive relationship on the average of seven times before leaving for good. I think they try to "punish" us by filing for divorce after we become wise to their abusive ways. They think we will come back and those that do usually are "punished" in even more abusive ways since we have tried to "escape" once already. Their rage can really escalate on our return. Best of luck to you and your daughter. I think it is much better for a child to be raised by one emotionally healthy parent than by two in an abusive household. And the fact that she is a girl and using you as her female rolemodel would increase the likelihood of her being in an abusive relationship in the future. (I have daughters and am out of a long term marriage. I hope my leaving might prevent them from an abusive relationship.) You are strong and will be well. Take care, A Midwest Survivor

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Thursday April 17, 2003

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Thursday April 17, 2003

I DO NOT THINK IF YOU DIVORCE YOU FAIL BUT IF YOU STAY IN A RELANTIONSHIP WHERE YOUR ARE NOT HAPPY AND YOU DAUGHTER MY GAT HURT THAN YOU ARE A REALLY LOSER, YOU ARE ALONE NOW AND I SURE IF YOU PRAY A LOT YOU WILL FIND A LIGHT THAT WILL GUIDE YOU TO A BETTER LIVING AND HAPPINESS

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Friday April 18, 2003

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Saturday April 19, 2003

Dear Coping, I know how you feel about divorce being a failure. I myself do not have any such experience but I do have a friend who fervently wishes her mother to divorce her father because he apparently has failed as a father and a husband. So you are really doing yourself and your child a favour and I will pray for you. Have faith that you will pull through just fine.

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Sunday April 20, 2003

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Monday April 21, 2003

I too was married to a Narcissist. We had a very long separation and finally divorced last June. Although it is easy to say get out and stay out, it is much harder to actually go through with it. What helped me through was spending a lot of time learning about Narcissism and eventually the knowledge is what got me out and helped me know how to deal with him. Because we have children together, I still need to communicate now and then with him. He tried very hard to push every button I had, but hard as it was, I did not take the bait. It took many years of this, but it has finally paid off. My sons were being harmed and are now blossoming into wonderful young men, and I have finally started believing in myself again. I think knowledge is the key to both coping and gaining the strength to leave. When you truly understand how useless it is to waste your life with a Narcissist, leaving will clearly be the only solution.

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Tuesday April 22, 2003

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Wednesday April 23, 2003

Dear Coping thank you for sharing your story. Don't be afraid. You sound like you're on the right track. No one deserves abuse. You are very fortunate...he left! I hope you will soon realize that. Take care of yourself and you daughter.

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Wednesday April 23, 2003

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Sunday April 27, 2003

Dear Coping, I have been divorced for three years. My ex husband is a narcissist. We were together for then years and have two children. I live ten hours away from him and have full custody of our children. It has taken me three years to realize that I am worthwhile again. During my marriage I was blamed for everything that went wrong and was conditioned to where I actually believed. I've survived but still have to deal with his wrath. I've found that disengaging from him and focusing on the welfare of my children keep me grounded and healthy. Stay focused on yourself and your daugther. Divorce him and stay far away from him. I know it is hard with children but there is nothing positive by having a relationship with a narcissist. Good Luck, Healthy Again

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Tuesday April 29, 2003

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Tuesday April 29, 2003

I am in the same situation.Sunday , he comes to my room and saiys those words you long to hear<ITS OVER>Like a bad medical procedure!I went the next day and got a few housing applications.Today he says it want meant to be i had to leave...pausing he says The girls<2> Have a home here until they are 18.Fighting words for me>.He has controlled my money, every thouhgt for so long.I am not able to think!!I am scared,My kids are happy.I am disabled and i do not draw anything.How do i do this .I cant support them but i know there is help out there somewhere.I have to do it without blemishing his perfect image/Or there would be a BIG price.REPLY to me at chick1967@yahoo.com anyhting else he reads and could be fatal. I am so glad you have been able to get on with your life.not sure how old you are but i keep hearing Eagles Wasted Time! in the back of my head.i am 36.goodluck,peace and happiness.You deserve it!!!!Libby

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Tuesday April 29, 2003

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Wednesday April 30, 2003

Well I think you are on the right track.You have lost nothing and gained insight.For whatever its worth I have found that women or men who show narcistic traits never realy fall in love,the only person they love is themselves.Good luck. John Brooklyn nyc

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Friday May 02, 2003

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Saturday May 03, 2003

I have just found out that I am BPD and in researching it to find out how to put my life back together I came across this letter. I will take responsibility for my illness, but in reading the description of her husband and his family it could/should be describing my husband's family. So two dysfunctional people met, fell in love and married, both looking for the same unreasonable thing that we just couldn't give each other. Unquestioning acceptance. We were both verbal abusers, demeaning, sarcastic and blamed it each other. When my husband filed for divorce I thought I'd lost everything. I didn't know at the time the hand I played in it. I still don't want to be divorced, but I don't think I could go back to him either. I want to be able to take care of that child in me and help her grow up. Thank you for the chance to read and respond to this letter.

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Saturday May 03, 2003

I have just found out that I am BPD and in researching it to find out how to put my life back together I came across this letter. I will take responsibility for my illness, but in reading the description of her husband and his family it could/should be describing my husband's family. So two dysfunctional people met, fell in love and married, both looking for the same unreasonable thing that we just couldn't give each other. Unquestioning acceptance. We were both verbal abusers, demeaning, sarcastic and blamed it each other. When my husband filed for divorce I thought I'd lost everything. I didn't know at the time the hand I played in it. I still don't want to be divorced, but I don't think I could go back to him either. I want to be able to take care of that child in me and help her grow up. Thank you for the chance to read and respond to this letter.

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Saturday May 03, 2003

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Sunday May 04, 2003

Hello Dr. Irene, I too am going thru a nasty divorce from a narcissist. I have put up with this loser for 15 years and am not willing to go on one second more. He also has a big spending problem and at this time is around 40,000. in the hole. Also I am headed for a foreclosure on the home. My question is why is he making this divorce 10x harder than it has to be? We have been legally seperated for 7 months now and have only resolved the children issue. He doesn't want the divorce and has tried every stall tactic he can find. He completely lies to his atorney and twists things around only to try to break me finacialy with attorney fees. I will NEVER GIVE UP. I really can't stand this person. My family agrees with my decision which helps but why is he making this divorce so difficult?

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Sunday May 04, 2003

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Thursday May 08, 2003

i really like two people

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Monday June 30, 2003

Coping's story is almost identical to mine, right down to the master's in psychology, except that I was married 16 years with 2 children when he got a girlfriend and moved out (during the holidays I might add). You are right - Coping's narcissist husband saved her years of misery.

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Monday June 30, 2003

As I was saying to Coping before I cut myself off, basically I lost him, but I got "me." I definitely think I got the better end of the deal. My husband, too, financially ruined us with his business ventures and reckless spending. I am happy that Coping is getting a second chance at life. We are still in the divorce process. Here's my question: Do the courts see through narcissists?

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Monday July 07, 2003

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Friday July 25, 2003

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Friday August 01, 2003

Dear Coping, I noticed you wrote this is in Feb. I wonder if you are divorced now. How did you get away ? I hope you and your daughter are doing well. Well, its July now and I just had a big blow up fight with my narscist husband of 17 years. We have 2 children, my little girl is 10 and my little boy is 6. Who have been looking forward to going to a waterpark out of town all summer . We are supposed to go in the morning , only my husband says no, we are not going now , If I dont straighten up, he will divorce me. Yes,There was drinking involved. Help me. I feel so trapped.

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Tuesday August 12, 2003

Coping, I know exactly how you feel. And I still have not come to realize the real truth about my narcissitic husband. But I am very proud of you and I pray for the very best for you and your daughter. Dealing!!!

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Saturday August 16, 2003

Hang in there! I know how you feel. Emotional Abuse Survivor.

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Saturday August 23, 2003

 

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