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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

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Comments for Surviving the Narcissist

Comments for Surviving the Narcissist 

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
 

 

 

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, March 24, 2001

S1

How desparing this article is.

I am not going to rush back into my relationship with the "narcisstic" I was in with, however, maybe I was the exception to the rule.

I was intellectually his equal, maybe even superior. I was his equal in $ and in my position with my job, I am independant, was not subserviant and confronted him when he was abusive. But like wind erroding the Grand Canyon over time, his verbal abuse did erode me somewhat. I never walked on eggshells, I would just tell him I would not tippy toe around him. His manipulations were obvious as were his lies.

Why did I put up with it? Well, like everyone else who has been with a person like this, I fell in love with the man he presented to me for about the first year to year and a half. And fought for the next year or so for that man to come back. Am finally hacking away to be able to adjust to not having him around, and dealing with the fact he probably either already has someone else, or has had someone else for a while. That hurts.

But, as a changed and evolving former verbal abuser (not narcisstic thank God LOL) I cannot help but think the prognosis for these people cannot possibly be so dim and dismal. Surely there are cases where these people have realized what they have let themselves become and changed...I know everyone is human and cannot imagine the world filled with these people who will never change.

Dr. Irene??? Is it really that hopeless for these nacissistic folks? J.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 26, 2001

S1

the narcisits is so hopelessly oblivious to others' needs and feelings, that anyone who recognizes any of the behavior patterns decribed in this article should flee for safety immediately. the narcisit has an inkling that something in their behavior causes people to act a certain way toward them, but absolutely no concern for another persons feelings to the degree that they're willing to change. the narcisits is only interested in supply and not the emotional needs of the source of the supply, unless the source threatenes to take away the supply. the narcisists is like air; you can't really see them because of their everchanging facade; you can't control them unless you're an inverted narcisist, and you genuinly can't predict them because "their rules" of the relationship change constantly. there is no emotional security for a person seeking to maintain a "healthy relationship" with a narcisist, unless the person generally lacks a "self," or has some type of personality disorder, i.e., codependency. so for those out there hoping to change a narcisits, flee with all due deliberate speed, get involved in support groups, get an order of protection if need be. i believe there is no cure for this very serious mental disorder. as cold as this sounds, the reality is that narcisists heal quickly from rejection, so they never stay feeling rejected long enough to take responsibility for their actions. lastly, to the writer above, that your spouse or friend may or already has a new bow, is an example of the narcisits true deep rooted, unpenetrable inablity to empathize. while you are still pining over the loss, your hubby has been able to move on without looking back to comfort you. i know that hurts alot, but that is how the narcisits typically leaves or abandones their victims. its typical, there was nothing you did or could do to change this result, so dont stay. be glad that you got away. repeat say how glad you are that you got away. get into group therapy, indivual counseling, expercise, take your vitamins, talk alot about your experiences, keep a journal and basically try your best to get out what you really feel. do this and be careful so not to direct your anger at innocent, unsuspecting people. you can email me at hottop247@aol.com adios

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, March 27, 2001

S1

This is so fasinating to me. I am minimally invoved with a narcissist and I can see these traits in him, that you point out.But then again, maybe I am one myself! Sidell

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, April 01, 2001

S1

HEEELP! Now I understand some of the things you have said to me Dr Irene....jay

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, September 17, 2001

S1

Wow! I have been looking for some explaination for my husband's abusive behavior for 18 years. He is 45 years old, senior exec, incredible income, power and also great looking. I have been the pretty accomodating wife raising 3 boys and struggling to raise them to be caring, sensitive young men who would never inflict any verbal assult against anyone. I pity him! I will forever recall the reaction he had in a doctor's office when I was diagnoised with cancer. He turned white and told the doctor he thought he was going to have a heart attack. Throughout my illness he was incapable of showing any concern or comfort. It upset him that so many people called and there were so many messages after my surgery he couldn't even get his work done. How sad that he was jealous of my being sick and taking the "spolight " off of him! I have always wondered way it upset him so much that I had friends or that he would get aggitated if people asked about me. I always felt invisable when I was with him. I didn't exist unless I was there on his arm to make him look good. Now I realize that he sees me and the children as extensions of him, he must take credit for any accomplishments, even the children athletic and educational achievements. This from a man who has not been to one single parent teacher conference and has never sat patiently and tried to help with homework. Not to mention offered to listen after a tough game, only negativity and complaining how they are "inconsistent, lazy and losers". For anyone who has never lived with a narcissist, I can assure it is a daily battle to hold on to yourself and get through the day. Thank you, L

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, September 25, 2001

S1

Thank you for posting this information. I am just realizing that My MOther is a narcissist-I would like more info on the early childhood injuries that make a narc a narc. Again, it's a great help to see it all spelled out.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, October 13, 2001

S1

I cannot believe that I have been reading an article that 100% mimics the boyfriend i broke up with yesterday. The sad thing is I used to be stong, independant, and above all secure..he has managed to take that person i once was and make me feel stupid, irrational, over-reactiong, insecure and unlovable however i still want him and still feel like we have somthing. There is a cycle of depression that triggers the whole thing off and because I am a victim of my own stupidity I end up being the centre of the attack.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, December 19, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 24, 2002

S1

OK, so reading all of this saved my sanity. I was married to a narcissist, didn't know it, and am fleeing after two years of hell. I do have a question, though. My soon to be 'ex is heavily into bondage. He cruises the 'net and has a accounts at some very sick sites. I refused to fo along with his games--one of the reasons, of many, he totally rejected me. I was just interested in knowing if anyone else had this experience.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 24, 2002

S1

OK, so reading all of this saved my sanity. I was married to a narcissist, didn't know it, and am fleeing after two years of hell. I do have a question, though. My soon to be 'ex is heavily into bondage. He cruises the 'net and has accounts at some very sick sites. I refused to fo along with his games--one of the reasons, of many, he totally rejected me. I was just interested in knowing if anyone else had this experience.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 23, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, October 09, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, October 09, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 15, 2003

S1

As I read this section, many old and new feelings surfaced. People around me do not understand the toxic effect my ex-husband and my mother have on me. I have had to create space between myself and them to begin seeing clearly that my "relationship" with each has been imaaginary - created in my own wishful mind. Your article affirmed my newly discoverd suspicion that their characters are not changeable. Your article addresses the issue of sexual abuse, which has been very hard for me to face and discuss with my therapist. We have discussed it superficially. That is about as far as I can go right now. However, this helps me understand that it is a part of the disorder, and in my case a power issue rather than intentional - I hope. Thank you for the information.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, June 05, 2003

S1