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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for Lost Love

Comments:  I Lost My Love...

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2005. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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April 20, 2005
09:54 PM

Hi Mark, This is TD from http://drirene.com/i_got-it.htm Your message really got to me and reminded me of some things I needed to remember. I think I at least partially identify with how you are feeling now. But I want to say that you're on the right track and it doesn't seem like there are very many of us. Not many will believe you and it is a long and hard road to take. But in the end you will be happy for it, no matter how things work out. I know what it takes to make the journey you are on. And I am thankful that others are on it with me. And yes, people can and do change. Sometimes drastically and sometimes quickly. It is time to start listening to yourself again and believing in yourself. You can do it and never think you can't. My wife left me almost a year ago now. It has been by far the hardest year of my life, but if I look at it another way it has been the most productive. No one can tell you whether your relationship will work out. And much of that is out of your control. This may not be any help to you (I too went into a severe depression full of shame and fought many demons in the late of night when no one was there to help). But it really is about you. Take care of yourself. Be the best you can to her, but also be the best you can to you. For me that meant regaining my faith in God and also my faith in myself. By faith in myself I mean my personal integrity--who I am and what I value and believe in. Because somewhere along the way I lost my integrity. I acted in ways that were not consistent with who I wanted to be and what I thought was important. My wife leaving was my wakeup call to all of that. Now a year later, with help from therapists, reading, journaling, and a lot of prayer, I am back on track to being me and who I want to be. And my personal integrity is strong and feels good. What I value is again important to me. That is what you can do and that is what matters the most. Everything else will take care of itself in ways that you may not be able to see yet. For me, my wife and I now live 2000 miles apart and are pursuing our own lives. I know it is hard for her as well. She has said she is almost sure things won't work out between us. It has only gotten more complicated as there has been many things she has done that cause me great pain and would make it hard to trust her again. Maybe there is an 11th hour miracle on the horizon--I truly don't know. But whatever happens I accept it and am confident God has a wonderful plan ready to reveal for me. But what seems amazing to me is that she and everybody else in my life can all see the change in me. To me it seems like I was off course and now I am back to me. But everyone else can't believe it. Yes, it still hurts and there are more tears to come. And yes, I am still depressed. But I am also happy in new ways and proud of who I am, and glad to have my integrity back. I hope this in some way helps where you are right now and doesn't just seem like me hijacking your story. I believe that we all are a story and can learn and feel with each other's stories. My prayers are with you. -TD Wow TD! Good work. God bless you!

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April 21, 2005
09:11 AM

This post gave me inspiration to get help and make changes, too. I may have lost my love (not sure yet) but the first step I know is healing myself and learn by my mistakes not to let my disorder(s) destroy me and/or my partner again. (if I ever get the chance to find love again.) Thanks Mark for your honesty and Irene for your comments and support. It is because of people like Irene that there is hope to be cured!!! I feel my slight attempts for help were not diagnosed correctly in the past. Many MD's tend to perscribe meds like Prozac for the "cure-all" and those have not helped thus far. I find there may be other diagnosis for my issues: BPD/Co-dependancy. Not sure yet but very willing to see a different doctor and take the next step. Reading this post was inspiration. Thank you both and many prayers to Mark and Rena. I hope she is able to hang in there with you through this but she's not to blame if she moves on! Tammy Meds are an important part of treatment for many, but you need the "talk therapy" part too. If BPD is an issue, find a Dialectic Behavior Therapy program and therapist.  Programs are cropping up everywhere.

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April 21, 2005
09:40 AM

Hello Mark I just want to say that you are one brave man. First of all you have seen the light and you are owning up to your mistakes. I was with a man that was insecure for all of the wrong reasons, but I loved him just like Rena loved you, but it was not enough. I wish my ex would have been strong enough to own his behaviour before it was too late. Hang in there you are on the right road. God Bless

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April 21, 2005
10:25 AM

Mark, your story struck a chord with me. I also served in the military and lost several buddies when their convoy hit a UXO field (unexploded ordinance for you civilians). While I was not injured, I can understand some of your feelings. I now work on a military camp as a civilian and can relate to how this can bring some old emotions to the surface. Do you think your inability to express your anger to the military in a way that would have an impact was a cause for you to turn it onto Rena? The military seems to encourage thwarting one's emotions- while this may make for an effective soldier, it does us no good in the *real* world. Your words gave me great hope and warmth. I am so glad you are going through the process of looking at your *stuff*, painful as it may be. I have no doubt that one day you will love yourself, not in spite of your scars, but because of them. They are proof that you are human, you have survived, you have suffered and loved, and that you are worthy of life. That, Mark, is a beautiful thing. -Kalirga

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April 21, 2005
01:49 PM

Mark, I really want to commend you for admitting that you were wrong (abusive) & committing to learning a better way to live. If only more men & women would realize the destruction that they cause by abusing, life could be so much happier. God bless you & I hope you change your life.

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April 21, 2005
06:57 PM

This is Rena. I give props to my Mark for being so courageous to post and reach out for help! I am proud of him and I don't hate him or feel ill toward him. But I do have to say before we moved to Maui that he started to control me. I blame myself for not sticking up for me enough and letting it happen. He swept me away with trips and I chose to ignore the warning signs. You see I was also married before and to a VA/EA. I swore never again but I didn't get self-respect afterwards. I told myself that things with Mark were just "kinks" we would work out. It just got worse. I completely accept him for his wholeness but the insecurities I have to work on. I feel I am not strong enough right now to help him. Sweetie, you can't help him! You can help only yourSelf and Mark can help only himSelf! I feel weak with my own self worth.  Until I get stronger, I will be able to talk to him more and try to relate to his pains. Help him relate to your pains too. It's good for you to take and it's good for him to give. I have to heal myself as well. Thanks to Dr Irene for posting this. Good job Mark keep up the good work. You are worth it to help yourself. I know you are a good person and I love you for you. Rena  I think it's just great that Mark gave you the url Rena and that you came. God bless both of you guys!

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April 21, 2005
10:09 PM

I'm still smiling. What a wonderful posts these are. I am currently in a very abusive relationship and am moving out in ten days. Things are worse now that I am leaving, as expected. The most heartbreaking part is that this person I care about can't/won't recognize his abusive behaviors and therefore, change is unlikely. My only option is to leave. Sad, you bet it is. Mark - How absolutely wonderful that you see and accept your part in things. Amazing. Abuse is so horribly damaging. Yet there you are owning up and actually working to change things. In the long run, you will be the one who benefits, as will the people who come into your life! I can only hope that someday my own partner is as blessed as you are. You give me hope for him. Sadly, hope is not enough for me to base my future on, so I move out May 2nd to start my life over and take my life back. Darcene  Good luck to you in your fresh start Darcene.

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April 23, 2005
11:05 AM

Wow Mark. You've had a lot to deal with with the accident. It sounds like in a weird way it's an opportunity that some people never take. Being forced in a sense to look at your emotional condition and to really have some self realization, is extremely painful, but it is so necessary. I just want to encourage you to keep going down the path you are on. No matter how much it hurts, keep continuing to grow and to be open to this process. You will learn so much and be built up from the inside through this more than you can imagine. I can guarantee you, if you keep with it, you will get to a place down the road where you look back and realize how much more of you there will be inside of you. I don't know if that makes sense, but we can go through life reacting and rolling with the punches. Then something happens that makes us really evaluate our lives, dig our heels in and fight for the good things. Is it painful! Absolutely. And totally worth it!! Build up yourself so that you have more of you to offer to that wonderful woman in your life. It's so much more than anything on the outside, as she has shown you already. Best wishes...quirk

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April 23, 2005
12:09 PM

Dear Mark, Thank you for your service to our country. We all have our freedom because you took the risks you did. If I can support you in any way, I will. I am so sorry about your accident and support you in getting therapy for post traumatic stress syndrome. It is a serious illness and there are many new therapies for it. I read about one that uses systems of patterned lights moving which you follow with your eyes while recalling the traumatic event. Somehow this takes the charged emotion away. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. You are courageous to post and face your fears and guilt.  A lot of people just hide and keep yelling at people! Joni

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April 24, 2005
08:06 AM

Mark, My thoughts as I read your story were that if you truly decide to forge ahead with therapy and change of your behavior, do it because it is the right thing for you and ultimately you might have Rena back but if that is the only reason you do it, it might backfire. I am like Rena, and I am unsure if my boyfriend is one inflicted with a character disorder like narcissistic personality disorder and /or sociopathy. My gut is if you are not inflicted like Dr Irene says, you will make incredible headway and when you have been successful you will find a wonderful relationship or Rena will be there again. Either way, make the change if you can. You don't need to shout it out, it will be evident. I am also sorry about your burns. I know myself, your physical appearance would not bother me. I have never, ever been remotely interested in what a person's exterior is like. There are so many people out there with similar insecurities and many of them are beautiful models. Don't think just because a person does not have burns on their body that they are all confident. Many people are not so confident that they will be loved unconditionally. You will be. Look at Christopher Reeve. His wife seemed to really love him regardless. I have no doubt that if you are respectful to a woman, you will find that respect will go a long way. I hope all works out for you. Judy

You guys (meaning guys and gals) are the best! There's so much warmth on this page, my notebook is burning my lap! OK, I'll stop. But seriously, you guys are incredible! Thank you for being here.

And Dear Mark... Where are you? Maybe I need to email you to remind you to post your questions or comments. I'll be back. Dr. Irene, April 27, 2005.

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April 28, 2005
07:39 PM

Hello Doctor Irene, how are you? I am okay....I think. I am going to the site frequently and reading the posts. I posted several times but was met with responses that were rather unwelcoming and unfriendly. I am so sorry about this! But I do understand. I realize there are many hurt people there. One in particular brought up that they thought my posting there was manipulative since Rena might read some of my posts. :(  I'm sorry you're getting that kind of response. The people here, on your board, are very warm and encouraging. I took it to heart and said I do not want even appear to be so. I decided it would be best if i just read and not write. While you're just reading, please start thinking about how you are going to take your personal power back. Don't back off just because some hurt soul thought you might be trying to be manipulative! Your job is to stand your ground, without anger. A reply like, "I can understand why you may think that I'm being manipulative, but please don't be so quick to judge me" might suffice.

I told Rena about it and explained to her that I didn't intend on any of what I was accused of. Maybe I will write again when I am much better, far away from being the verbally abusive person I was. A person who has their own power has no reason to be abusive. Abuse is one way of getting power, albeit a poor way. Talk about this with your therapist.

Therapy sessions are in full swing weekly. Excellent! I am on Prozac for mood stabilization and Trazadone for sleep. Good! Getting out of a depression makes it much easier to stand your ground. The talking in psycho-therapy is helpful. You bet! It is heartbreaking the things I am uncovering, and yet it is also relieving to let it out to someone who "understands". Yes. Letting these things out leads to self-acceptance; that is where you want to go. I realize i have just begun. I haven't even gotten into my military service. It is all on my upbringing. I have been introduced to ideas I never thought about or realized. I have a different way to look at things. Excellent, excellent, excellent! The understanding is so helpful. And I have so much hope for the future. I have tried to connect with people as well. Yes! I went to a group meeting of singles who just want to connect with others for platonic friendships. It was somewhat difficult because I was so nervous and afraid they would not accept me. They were all professionals, and I at the moment am not working. I didn't want them to see my scarred hands, but I put myself out there. Yippeeee! Good for you! The person who accepts the self is accepted by other. You're not there yet, but you're headed in the right direction. I really did something new. I really tried. I think it went ok. :)  Me too. I met some interesting people.

I miss Rena so very much. There were couples there and I really wished she was there with me. Is that normal? Of course it is! Is it going to go away? "It" is not an external force. "It" is a part of you; your feelings are inside of you, a part of who you are. Your feelings don't go away, but they change. Feel the feelings, grieve as you must, and as you get used to experiencing the full range of your feelings - all of your feelings - you realize your life is fuller for them. You would never opt to go back to not knowing your emotions. Your emotions are your radar, your guide. Life, you will see one day, is not flat anymore...

I am scared. I am afraid of what I am feeling about my past. Your fear is normal too. That's why you haven't gone down that road before; you just avoided it since the unknown is usually scary. To become whole you need to know yourself, accept all aspects of the self, like them or not. It is your own fear you are dealing with and the only way to deal with your fear is to face it. As you face your fear, the fear subsides. Understanding enters. Be patient.

I don't know if I should talk about it or just recognize it and try to replace the bad memories with new thoughts and ideas. Both. One day you will have no more need to talk about this stuff. Right now, you are integrating these "lost" parts of you. It is fine to talk about this stuff in appropriate places: therapy, forums like this, and with those close to you.  I feel like I am struggling but I still have a force driving me. You have a healthy, vital life force driving you! Thank you for checking on me. It gave me such a warm feeling. I can't even put into words what it meant to hear from you. Aw, shucks... Thank you so very much. Sincerely, Mark. You are fragile right now Mark. And even though it feels kind of scary and icky now, it is a good thing. You will learn about yourself, you will face things that you didn't want to think about before. Stay on this road and you will eventually begin to love and respect the whole, wonderfully flawed Human Being you are! You will find a sense of self and a sense of personal power. Stay on this road and not only won't there be any need to be abusive to another, but you will also no longer allow another to abuse or intimidate you. God bless you Mark, and thank you for letting me be a tiny part of your journey. Dr. Irene, April 28, 2005.

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April 30, 2005
12:06 AM

You know, I cannot believe I am saying this, since I am in the middle of leaving an abusive husband. But Mark, I have to hand it to you. You are one enlightened guy. It takes a real man to take responsibility for his actions. As for the scars, I appreciate everything our military does for this country, and you were working to defend this country. Be proud of that, and be proud of the man you are. My mother always said that people are always more worried about how THEY look then how YOU look. How you FEEL and how you ACT is much more important. That, after all, is what I think women remember the most. GOOD LUCK!

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April 30, 2005
12:09 AM

You know, I cannot believe I am saying this, since I am in the middle of leaving an abusive husband. But Mark, I have to hand it to you. You are one enlightened guy. It takes a real man to take responsibility for his actions. As for the scars, I appreciate everything our military does for this country, and you were working to defend this country. Be proud of that, and be proud of the man you are. My mother always said that people are always more worried about how THEY look then how YOU look. How you FEEL and how you ACT is much more important. That, after all, is what I think women remember the most. GOOD LUCK!

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April 30, 2005
11:38 PM

Awesome, awesome, awesome Mark!!! B

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May 02, 2005
02:13 AM

Thank you so much to everyone posting replies to me. I garner strength from each thoughtful message. I am truly using the insight for my self improvement. I know most everyone here is going through some difficult times. Your taking the time to wish me well says so much to how deserving you all are of happier, abuse free lives. I hope the ones hurting you or have hurt you have stopped, and are doing something about it. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your sincerity. mark

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May 02, 2005
02:16 AM

Thank you so much to everyone posting replies to me. I garner strength from each thoughtful message. I am truly using the insight for my self improvement. I know most everyone here is going through some difficult times. Your taking the time to wish me well says so much to how deserving you all are of happier, abuse free lives. I hope the ones hurting you or have hurt you have stopped, and are doing something about it. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your sincerity. mark

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May 06, 2005
10:32 AM

hey friend! u r like my friend like naaaaaa......... i have something to say u that i have disturbed every one of my friends even my dad, mom u know what i cant understand how to speak althrough can u plz tell me how can i handle that ie bcoz of my speaking problem i dont know how to communicate properly but i am still 18 up can u plz tell me to become a good spoker

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May 06, 2005
09:14 PM

hello, i just read your message. i do want to listen to you. you can tell me anything you want. you can tell me here or you can send me a personal messsage to my mailbox.....my member name is mikeroni.

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May 08, 2005
07:06 PM

I was behaving in a way that was affecting loved ones...I was emotionally shutting down and sometimes going into rages...Then I isoalted and cut everyone out of my life...I ended up in a state of Clincal Depression and lost all of my savings,{due to not being able to work}...I lost over twenty pounds and carefully planned my death via suicide...I was having all these intrusive memories of being molested and severe violence in my upbringing... I shook and trembled, I cried constantly and I didn't even no why I was so sad...I finally have been admitted to a therapy clinic for PTSD..Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, is the therapy of their choice, I found and so does everyone who knows me..that simply, "tuning in" to what was troubling me so, has reduced the symptoms dramatically, coupled with medication...I have not even done the CBT yet, and my family and friends can not believe the difference in me!!!...I think just seeing that, "I am not myself" when I am like that, helped me, with all the guilt...People like us have been through enough..we do not need the isloation of "guilt" to salt our wounds...I came from a battle zone as well, I am older and now for the first time in my life, I am seeing it...the bombs and explosions of chilhood abuse last a life time, just like this terrible "accident" this poor fellow has endured...We as people, do not make the rules of the human mind...and when you are heavily traumitized it affects you bio-chemically...Mark, to me, is a hero, he has grabbed his trauma by the throat...The accident wasn't his fault and either is his self destructive behavior...Mark is a "true" soldier and I feel a "closness" with him...we are both veterans...and it is time for both of us.."to come home"...there is to be no more guilt in my life, I did not ask, for what happpened to me...it just did, and if I don't love my life, who will?

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May 09, 2005
02:22 AM

Thank you to the person who wrote above. I have been involved with some psychotherapy now and talking really helps. It led me to talk about my childhood and it brought up some really bad abuse I had always just shined on as strict parenting. Some of it was bad like being locked out in the cold for an hour without clothing and sitting on my knees with my arms in the air for hours....until I couldn't hold them up. Beatings with belts and broomsticks and ropes....and merciless VA, neglect and abandonment. Can you believe I enlisted when the gulf was started in 91? I couldn't take it anymore. Don't you give up. You have to love yourself again. You can do it. I urge you to go get the book Breaking the Cycle of Abuse by Beverly Engel. Read it read it read it. It will help you if you really try. Use it with your therapy sessions. Heal yourself man or woman. It is okay to be sad. Just use it as motivation to get out of it. Live. I wish the best for you. mikeroni

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June 05, 2005
07:28 PM

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June 05, 2005
07:53 PM

mark- don't forget to believe in your progress- if you don't stop and pat yourself on the back every once in a while it might be easy to become overwhelmed and not see the wonderful progress you have made just by tackling this issue. i hope you don't hesitate to gently prod (people that you encounter with similar behaviours to yours) down the same healing path that you are well on your way with....this will not only help them and their partners, (yippee ;)) but may help you too by giving you more confidence- carry on and remember that ALOT of people do not possess what you do, bravery is BIG. pia.

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June 05, 2005
10:12 PM

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June 06, 2005
03:15 AM

thanks Pia, it has been over a week now since my girlfriend came by and said for me to leave her alone forever. i have been not so brave. it is so very hard to deal with. i have to let her go and at the same time live with this huge hole in my heart. i struggle to put this into words. no words can even come close to describing how i feel about her and how i feel so terrible now. everything sounds so cliche. it is the forever struggle to be understood, to be known, to have someone want to know you. i have to keep telling myself to keep moving on....forward....get back to my happier state. i have been trying to meet people and i have. it feels okay to know i can make acquaintances but it feels flat. i do what i can for others, i really do. but why does it hurt so much still? when will this end?

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June 24, 2005
05:14 AM

I was so moved by your story, Mark, that I went ahead and read the posts before deciding to post as well. I can relate to Rena's point of view, because I have been in an abusive relationship myself, and have returned...not to the abusive relationship, but to a new person...someone who has taken responsibility just as you have. He is always saying that he feels weak, and I seemed to sort of gather that from your post...that maybe you feel similar as well. But, please, realize that you are strong...stronger than most people for surviving what you have, and definitely stronger for trying to change your abusive patterns. Also, I cannot even imagine what effect the accident had on you, and for those of you who posted about physical violence, I cannot imagine what that has done. I am thankful for my upbringing...that although I had to face some problems, they were never as severe as some people's. But please realize Mark that any who are worthy of you...the person you really are (a person with strengths and flaws, both internally and externally)...are not going to judge you negatively because of your scars. I'm sure that you have already come to this realization, and that I don't need to remind you, but I'm good at stating the obvious. Good luck to you, Mark, and to all who responded positively to his remarks.

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June 27, 2005
07:55 AM

Dear Mark, I have read your story and I totally feel for your loss. I know that when I have been at my lowest, I find comfort in knowing that G-d is guiding me and all of my struggles will bring me to a good place eventually, a secret I have learned are two words: patience and faith - keep looking forward, don't look back, you have been through an experience that would affect anybody's life tremendously, I think you are doing great by acknowledging your issues and trying to become a better person. If you and Rena are meant to be together, things will work out, remember, patience and faith. I am saying a prayer for you right now. Mandy

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June 29, 2005
03:21 PM

Wow...brave soul, I commend you!

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July 17, 2005
05:01 PM

Mark, I am so encouraged by your desire to change. I pray that the man I'm seeing gets to the point where he wants to change. My biggest fear is that he never will and will instead give up on himself. The thought of it is so sad to me. I'm glad to hear of your will to fight. It gives me hope for someone I love. Lani

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July 27, 2005
05:46 PM

woah...wait a minute. why did your girlfriend come by and tell you to leave her alone forever? It sounded like you were recovering. Did something happen to make her say this? (6/6)

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July 29, 2005
02:58 AM

she said to leave her alone because i don't know why. then she said she didn't love me anymore. i was recovering and still am. i hope she is doing well for herself. that is all i can do. she threatened also if i contacted her, she would put a restraining order on me. there was no need for that. i guess she just wanted to do whatever she wanted. so i have thought about her everyday since and longed for her but that is all i have done. i guess one day she will realize the kind of man i really am. hopefully i will be there. if not, well, i guess she was the one who actually lost her love. mike

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September 18, 2005
11:04 PM

God bless you Mark. You and Rena are in my prayers. You have done so much already!

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October 02, 2005
04:16 AM

Hi Mark, It's a late Friday night in Anchorage, Alaska. I've been reading up on some things that could help me with a very heartbraking and confusing break up for me. And after 2 years, I'm still not myself. The more I read and try to understand, the less I seem to know or sure of. Then I stumbled onto this site and saw a heading called "I lost my love". That's exactly what happened to me. Only, I was the victim..and then I became the abusive victim. This confused me more and not able to properly label my feelings or understand the basics, what, why, is it real or assumed. And then I read your letter and how Dr. Irene was pointing things out and breaking things down for clarity. (by the way, my ex says that me wanting clarity in our relationship was part of the problem, I use to feel bad about that, but now I'm proud that I insisted. I didn't get it, but I did ask for it.) My seeing a theropist for nearly a year now and I haven't gotten as much from her to this point as I have from the examples from your letter. I feel so much for your situation, for mine, and I find myself wishing and wanting to be more like you in being able to speak articulately, and even more like Rena, setting bounderies and feeling good about it. The value she has placed on herself is very good. Your letter has touched so many things in my heart and caused a number of feelings to surface that I cried from fear of them all at once. I cried for what I have been responsible for in my past relationship that I treasured so deeply. I even cried for my little boy that surely must be paying the price. I cried for my responsibilities and the lack of being mature enough to acknowledge and accept them, and for the abuse I have suffered throughout my entire life through a horrible disfunctionable family line. I'm printing your letter as I'm responding. I've been trying to find a way to be thankful for the good things in my past relationship, and to grow a more complete person. I feel the loss of him and I hope that I can shake myself from the verbal abuse and withholding that he imprinted on my heart and mind as much as the love that I felt for him. God Bless You Mark...You Deserve It. "smile" The American woman who loved an Iraqi man for 7 years.

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October 03, 2005
09:26 PM

i, like Mark lost a loved one because of my selfishness, my controlling actions, my abusive behavior. I was married (and still am, but have been separated for 3 years) to a wonderful man, he loved me and adored me. Since I was insecure, so insecure I did nothing but to push him away as soon as I saw he was really interested in me..............still, we got married, my abuse and inseurities went on..............now, I have been alone for three years, I am totaly devastated and even my 2 children are with him, because i have felt so abandoned. Eveyone tells me that he did his share of things as well, and he did, he did flirt a lot and a lot of things, but all I can see now is my abusive behavior. I am so shamed and I feel I lost ALL. Everything. and no, there is no chance of getting back. I just know that. He has moved on with his life, I, instead has had to face all my sh...t . I've been in a bumpy road ever since. I feel I am beginning to be stronger, to see the "light at the end of the tunnel" like you americans say. I have told him how sorry I am and that I could see now my behavior, but he doesn't know to what extent I regret everything and how bad I feel. Everytime I start I get the feeling that he is just thinking I am just saying all that to get back together (and I would like in many ways, because I totally ADORE the guy, but I also feel very hurt of things he did, like flirting like hell with one of my friends while I was pregnant in the hospital when later I almost died, had a 5 month premature baby etc etc, he denied it but as soon as he left home he located her in LA , had rendez vous all over the usa and then went to look for her in Mexico, when all the time he denied that No no no, he was not attracted to her, it was just my paranoia and controlling issues)wow anyways, as you can see, i feel still a lot of resentment, abandonment, anger cofussion and what not, but still, I am so ashamed of the ways I DID behave and all the control I wanted to have

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October 03, 2005
09:42 PM

oops, i just read what I just submited and all the messages above. I apologize. I didn't mean to say Mark wa selfish and this and tha, maybe he "was" but I admire the way he is looking at himself now and the courage he has had. Mark, keep all the work I haven't read all the messages but I have saved this site cause it seems that it has a lot of stories that i can relate to. Ha ha, and I thought I was the only "abuser" in this world......the worst. I too went to Hawaii with my ex tha's still not my ex (we haven't even signed separation agreement papers) I loved Hawaii and we also started to make plans, we first went to Maui and then the Big Island.....we saw a coffee farm we could afford and different ways to support ourselves........but then things just got worst. I GOT WORST, I totaly take responsability..........Oh Mark, what can I tell you? how are you doing now? Are you still in Hawaii? you are a good man Mark, with and without scars.........you are strong and faithful to your "truth". Yes, you commited mistakes, faults, and like me, it cost you a lot, you paid a lot for it, you lost your love, but don't let this loss loose yourself, maybe you an still see there are things you (and Rena) can "win" from this, can gain from this, like the knowledge and matuity you are aquiring from all this. I do not know if you and Rena will get back together, but from what I read, YOU are getting YOURSELF back! We all get lost, we all forget our true loving and compassionate nature....we are all Humans....and we are all here to learn to know ourselves and hopefully take the lessons and grow.......it's all good Mark, it's all good........ Aloha from your Mexican friend.

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October 03, 2005
09:42 PM

oops, i just read what I just submited and all the messages above. I apologize. I didn't mean to say Mark wa selfish and this and tha, maybe he "was" but I admire the way he is looking at himself now and the courage he has had. Mark, keep all the work I haven't read all the messages but I have saved this site cause it seems that it has a lot of stories that i can relate to. Ha ha, and I thought I was the only "abuser" in this world......the worst. I too went to Hawaii with my ex tha's still not my ex (we haven't even signed separation agreement papers) I loved Hawaii and we also started to make plans, we first went to Maui and then the Big Island.....we saw a coffee farm we could afford and different ways to support ourselves........but then things just got worst. I GOT WORST, I totaly take responsability..........Oh Mark, what can I tell you? how are you doing now? Are you still in Hawaii? you are a good man Mark, with and without scars.........you are strong and faithful to your "truth". Yes, you commited mistakes, faults, and like me, it cost you a lot, you paid a lot for it, you lost your love, but don't let this loss loose yourself, maybe you an still see there are things you (and Rena) can "win" from this, can gain from this, like the knowledge and matuity you are aquiring from all this. I do not know if you and Rena will get back together, but from what I read, YOU are getting YOURSELF back! We all get lost, we all forget our true loving and compassionate nature....we are all Humans....and we are all here to learn to know ourselves and hopefully take the lessons and grow.......it's all good Mark, it's all good........ Aloha from your Mexican friend.

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October 06, 2005
05:31 PM

Some time as humans we relly tend to hurt the people we love the most the only fear with in is "what if we loose him/her"? and we keep thinking of something new that never struck us like hating a person or doubting its just because of inner insecurity cause the fear of loss has attacked your power of thoughts(the right thoughts).. You really need to open up and speak out and reach out the person and let them know what the issue is ..the best solution is when you confess a problem shared is a problem half.. and then you can sort out things together...Just have a positive approch to things you will never landup feeling gulity or bad deep down. Rubina India

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October 07, 2005
12:50 AM

DR Irene This is "the Mexican" that wrote Mark in the boar I lost my love. Since the day I read Mark story, yeah, only 3 or 4 days ago a lot of stuff has happened. I have gone through so much emotions and each of them so strongly I am totally drained and I haven't been able to sleep nor eat........I feel sick to my stomach! I am so disgusted and ashamed of my behavior. I have been separated for about 3 years and forget about divorce, I haven't even signed a separation agreement, just now, as I am typing i realize even now, how freaking controlling this is, refusing time after time, excuse after excuse to sign those papers, changes here changes there.........also, my lawyer did anything for me, all I gained, child support, alimony etc. was because I myself fought for it. I told my husband that I had a "new" friend and that he was giving me legal advice here in the new state I live. I started creating letters written so professionally that my ex who is an incredible businessman, who wins all kinds of awards etc. (that's how we ended up in the four seasons in Hawaii, as a reward, not including Atlantis, and thousands of dollars he gets every month/year just as bonuses) anyway, he bought my whole story. Anywise, I feel crushed, desperate. I even feel suicidal but I KNOW i am not going to kill myself, believe me (I normally have a vadium but my handbag was stolen yesterday at work and is not like I want to be dependent on pills but i carry those cause I suffer from panic attacks and because, me, the "strong one" of the family has ended up now twice, spending a week each on the hospital for nervous break downs I called my "ex" today and told him that I have never loved anyone and that I am sure I never will love anyone the way I love him, and that I am almost positive that no one will love me the way he did at some point. I had to tell him this, not because I want to get back, or maybe I do (I am so confused, I have so much work to do on myself.......)but because I need some closure, and I had to ADMIT this to him, which I didn't before because I always felt that admiting things like that would make me more vulnerable towards him, like I wanted him to feel that I was over him or something stupid like that........... and once more, cause that I had in the past, I apologized and told him I am not proud of my actions.............................I cn't even tell him "forgive me"" because I feel that asking for forgivness is asking something from the other person, it's so easy for me, like how convinient juyst to ask someone forgiveness, its like ok, i did all this to you and now YOU have to work on forgiving me How easy to do. but instead I tell him how sorry i am , how bad i feel, how ashamed.......................etc. I cried and accepted to him how terrifying it is to me to sign those papers (I realized that when talking on the phone today with him)(or at least I totally acepted it to myself) because I feel that now it is "legal" official that he won't longer love me. To my surprise he said that he hadn't even taken "legal action is because he had debated tthe same thing over and over. He told me that he didn't even started the rendez vous with that other mexican until 8 months after we separated but he admits to keeping the phone number of the social worker he met while we were trying to get services for our son born prematurely (at 5 months gestation) and he started seeing her immediately after our physicall separation (although I still feel it was BEFORE. because on the first meeting with my lawyer she aske"was he unfaithful to you??" I said no and she said, then why did he put this clause about you not taking action about lhim being unfaithfull??? At which point I said, listen, I don't know, it wouldn't surprise me, but, at this point I don''t even want to find out, I don't even want to know.................(what a ckicken I am!) He also told me that he felt the same, that he is sutre that he will never love someone the way he loved me and LOVES 9present time) me and that he hasn 't even dated since January (when he broke up with his chinese girlfien , that lasted about 5 six months? I think he said 4 (I met her and we talked and everythin) anyways..............how can I move forward??? How can I heal so I can finaly go back and NURTURE my children which I have so cowardly haven't (they live with him although we both have custody but how can I let my children have this kind of mother???? he IS a GREAT dad, he takes them swimming at least twice a week (private club) he arranges play dates for them, he fixes their lunch, drops them at school, picks them up, I mean, he has it SO put together, how could I take that away from my children??? all that stability??? I am a MESS!! I work until very late at night, i don't get home until one or 2 am (restaurant bussiness) I have a lot of problem sleeping to the point that I am depandent of sleeping pills , i want to go to like a rehab or something but my doc assures me I am not an addict but I tell him all I know is that I don't sleep if i don't pop a pill...................I mean I could go on and on I want move forward, learn to accept and forgive myself the way I do with others, People always tell me how nice and compassionate I am. Even if I am part owner of restaurants I workl as a waitress and people say they always connect with me. I have people that consume lets say 40 dollars and they tip me 40 or sixty !!!! People give me stuff all the time, like today, a total stranger gave me orchids and dried ferns (gorgeous) because told her that I had ferns in my last house and told her how amazinf it was to see them :"unroll" and this and that and she ended up crying and tell me how compassionate I was and this and that and I eded up with a bouquet and all i was doing was buying a 2 stem twenty dollar bouqut for my sister to thank her and her wife (yes , wife) for always being there for me...............anyways people tell me this and that and i feel like what a hipocrate I must be because if they really know how i treated my ex even if when they tell me, he must be such a looser, he got lucky with you etc etc, i tell thm, no.....remember in a relationship it takes 2 an beliee me I abused that guy without mercy. He would bring me stars down and I would tell him Nah....i don't like this one, get that other star from the sky to me........and he would!!! and i said Damm it not this one the other one...............see how I was????? Anyways, I need all of your help and advice..............I better try to catch some sleep even without my pills (yes I had them n my bag just in case I would end up spending thae night Iat my sister......................today i literally elt I was having a heart attack, my shest actually hurt my heart........... please help me the mexican.. I feel so drained I can't go on with the spell check please forgive me

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October 07, 2005
12:50 AM

DR Irene This is "the Mexican" that wrote Mark in the boar I lost my love. Since the day I read Mark story, yeah, only 3 or 4 days ago a lot of stuff has happened. I have gone through so much emotions and each of them so strongly I am totally drained and I haven't been able to sleep nor eat........I feel sick to my stomach! I am so disgusted and ashamed of my behavior. I have been separated for about 3 years and forget about divorce, I haven't even signed a separation agreement, just now, as I am typing i realize even now, how freaking controlling this is, refusing time after time, excuse after excuse to sign those papers, changes here changes there.........also, my lawyer did anything for me, all I gained, child support, alimony etc. was because I myself fought for it. I told my husband that I had a "new" friend and that he was giving me legal advice here in the new state I live. I started creating letters written so professionally that my ex who is an incredible businessman, who wins all kinds of awards etc. (that's how we ended up in the four seasons in Hawaii, as a reward, not including Atlantis, and thousands of dollars he gets every month/year just as bonuses) anyway, he bought my whole story. Anywise, I feel crushed, desperate. I even feel suicidal but I KNOW i am not going to kill myself, believe me (I normally have a vadium but my handbag was stolen yesterday at work and is not like I want to be dependent on pills but i carry those cause I suffer from panic attacks and because, me, the "strong one" of the family has ended up now twice, spending a week each on the hospital for nervous break downs I called my "ex" today and told him that I have never loved anyone and that I am sure I never will love anyone the way I love him, and that I am almost positive that no one will love me the way he did at some point. I had to tell him this, not because I want to get back, or maybe I do (I am so confused, I have so much work to do on myself.......)but because I need some closure, and I had to ADMIT this to him, which I didn't before because I always felt that admiting things like that would make me more vulnerable towards him, like I wanted him to feel that I was over him or something stupid like that........... and once more, cause that I had in the past, I apologized and told him I am not proud of my actions.............................I cn't even tell him "forgive me"" because I feel that asking for forgivness is asking something from the other person, it's so easy for me, like how convinient juyst to ask someone forgiveness, its like ok, i did all this to you and now YOU have to work on forgiving me How easy to do. but instead I tell him how sorry i am , how bad i feel, how ashamed.......................etc. I cried and accepted to him how terrifying it is to me to sign those papers (I realized that when talking on the phone today with him)(or at least I totally acepted it to myself) because I feel that now it is "legal" official that he won't longer love me. To my surprise he said that he hadn't even taken "legal action is because he had debated tthe same thing over and over. He told me that he didn't even started the rendez vous with that other mexican until 8 months after we separated but he admits to keeping the phone number of the social worker he met while we were trying to get services for our son born prematurely (at 5 months gestation) and he started seeing her immediately after our physicall separation (although I still feel it was BEFORE. because on the first meeting with my lawyer she aske"was he unfaithful to you??" I said no and she said, then why did he put this clause about you not taking action about lhim being unfaithfull??? At which point I said, listen, I don't know, it wouldn't surprise me, but, at this point I don''t even want to find out, I don't even want to know.................(what a ckicken I am!) He also told me that he felt the same, that he is sutre that he will never love someone the way he loved me and LOVES 9present time) me and that he hasn 't even dated since January (when he broke up with his chinese girlfien , that lasted about 5 six months? I think he said 4 (I met her and we talked and everythin) anyways..............how can I move forward??? How can I heal so I can finaly go back and NURTURE my children which I have so cowardly haven't (they live with him although we both have custody but how can I let my children have this kind of mother???? he IS a GREAT dad, he takes them swimming at least twice a week (private club) he arranges play dates for them, he fixes their lunch, drops them at school, picks them up, I mean, he has it SO put together, how could I take that away from my children??? all that stability??? I am a MESS!! I work until very late at night, i don't get home until one or 2 am (restaurant bussiness) I have a lot of problem sleeping to the point that I am depandent of sleeping pills , i want to go to like a rehab or something but my doc assures me I am not an addict but I tell him all I know is that I don't sleep if i don't pop a pill...................I mean I could go on and on I want move forward, learn to accept and forgive myself the way I do with others, People always tell me how nice and compassionate I am. Even if I am part owner of restaurants I workl as a waitress and people say they always connect with me. I have people that consume lets say 40 dollars and they tip me 40 or sixty !!!! People give me stuff all the time, like today, a total stranger gave me orchids and dried ferns (gorgeous) because told her that I had ferns in my last house and told her how amazinf it was to see them :"unroll" and this and that and she ended up crying and tell me how compassionate I was and this and that and I eded up with a bouquet and all i was doing was buying a 2 stem twenty dollar bouqut for my sister to thank her and her wife (yes , wife) for always being there for me...............anyways people tell me this and that and i feel like what a hipocrate I must be because if they really know how i treated my ex even if when they tell me, he must be such a looser, he got lucky with you etc etc, i tell thm, no.....remember in a relationship it takes 2 an beliee me I abused that guy without mercy. He would bring me stars down and I would tell him Nah....i don't like this one, get that other star from the sky to me........and he would!!! and i said Damm it not this one the other one...............see how I was????? Anyways, I need all of your help and advice..............I better try to catch some sleep even without my pills (yes I had them n my bag just in case I would end up spending thae night Iat my sister......................today i literally elt I was having a heart attack, my shest actually hurt my heart........... please help me the mexican.. I feel so drained I can't go on with the spell check please forgive me

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October 20, 2005
02:58 AM

Hi Mark, I am impressed by the responsibility that you are taking for your actions. I am also impressed by the fact that you admire/love Rena so much and want your children to be "just like her." I hope that you will keep at it (and it may take a long long time) because it sounds like you are in so much pain and would be much happier without this verbal abuse issue. Regards, Melissa

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November 01, 2005
02:46 PM

Yes I am a verbal abuser too and I want my lost loveback! I wrote him and confessed all my sins and wrongdoings and now he wont take me back. I love him and have grown accustumed to having him there with me. I cant take it. I want to love myself too and dont know what to do without him and his phone calls every nite and us making plans together. I lied to him and he caught me and he said you want all the attention. And he is right. I ant even focus on my school work or teaching without crying all the time. I want his attention1 pleae I need help and want my rena only it;s justin back!

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November 09, 2005
09:40 PM

Hey Mark, I just lost someone I love very much because of my abusive behaviour also. I dont know if I have an anxiety or depressive disorder, but I did watch my girlfriend die of lukeamia suddenly when I was 20. I guess I have never really dealt with that loss properly. It seems to come out as a fear that I will lose love every time I try to reach it. I am in therapy now with a counsellor who knows my history, so I am praying for a deep and lasting change. I want to be one of the few that change for good too, but sometimes I doubt myself. I am not giving up on this though. I lost Shelby and the pain of that loss is with me every day, as is the shame I feel for myself, and the bitternes that comes with knowing I messed up despite my best efforts. I dont know if any of this helps, but know I feel for you, your words have struck a very deep chord in me. I wish you the best! Dave.

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November 14, 2005
07:47 AM

Hey Mark, my name is Felix. I don't know if you are in the process still of checking back on this forum. 2 years ago I had a similar affliction with my ex girlfriend, ex cause she's married to someone else now. I never learned so much in on sitting reading this entire page than when Heather first gave me papers on abusive relationships. I never hit her but I was getting severely controlling. It was hard to see, even now. By chance I stumbled across this page and although I probably won't have the money for a therapist, I have a very good idea on what steps to head towards now to stop being so manipulative. Conquer my own insecurities and voice them out. I've learned this before but it's always the last thing on my mind when depression, anger, or any feeling set in. I feel very grateful that you have voiced out your opinion out on the internet so openly and brutally honest. I'm 22 and I still have a ways to go and to learn. When I was younger I made a vow to not become my dad, I realize in this age that if I had never read this page, I would have stayed on the path to becoming my dad in the first place. Thank you so much, I'm sooo soo soo soo sooo soo sooo soo soo entirely grateful!!! Now there may be a better future for me yet.

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November 17, 2005
08:53 PM

Hello everyone, This is Mark aka Mikeroni. It has been sometime now and I just wanted to thank you all for the heartfelt posts. I am still here in hawaii. I am still dealing with my loss. It's been 7 months and a day now. Not a day goes by without me thinking of her and hoping she is alright.....missing her. I still have not contacted her as she wished and who knows if she will ever seek me out. I think I should start my return back to love again because although I know I lost a piece of me when she left, I still have much left to offer. It sucks sometimes but one has to taste the bitter of being alone to really enjoy the sweets. Some of the posts make me sad. I really feel for us who feel painfully empty at times. Know that it is true, that with time all wounds heal. Scars will be there but they are just reinforcements where the hurting happened. So here is a where I am at. I am still in hawaii. I am finishing up my second semester. I just quit a restaurant job to look for a better one that serves my community. I still am teaching my student to read. It is so rewarding I figured I should get a job that pays me to feel good about what I do. I am doing great most of the time. I have forgiven myself for my destruction of what I had with rena. Thank you all for being there with and for me through this. I am there with and for you as well. Keep your head up now. mark

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December 11, 2005
08:14 PM

fuck all that all u need is a big dick

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December 16, 2005
01:27 PM

hi mark or irene ,My name is claudia and i was recently in a car accident on aug27 ,2005 and suffered severe injuries to my leg ,i had a compound femur fracture and it ripped through the skin and disfigured my leg,before my accident i was confident and loved my appearance since i was very athletic was proud of my shape.I took the injury really difficult .I have been in a relationship for 4 years and my boyfriend accepts me with my awful scars and disfigurment .I feel so unworthy at times that i abuse my boyfriend and expect for him to stop his life for me but life goes on .I Can relate to mark and know how he must have felt with his girlfriend and i am glad that he is trying to get help.I have a long road of acceptance .Thanks you need to let things go at times

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December 18, 2005
04:31 PM

Mark, I don't know what I can add to all of this, you've experienced more in the last year than I could have in my entire life. My thoughts and prayers and deepest heartfelt wishes go to you. I recently made the worst mistake of my life and was an abuser in more ways than I ever realized before. You've done so much and made such an incredible effort to change that I truly hope I can one day find the strength to do the same. I came to realize just how verbally abusive I was to my partner, and I think coming to this site and finding your post was an incredibly eye opening experience. I hurt my girlfriend terribly, over one of the most stupidest, childish and emotionally immature reasons. When I look at all you've gone through, it makes it all the more salient just how far you've come and how far I WANT to go in order to change and never make my partner feel so hurt because of my actions again. You've seen all that Rena did for you, and its encouraged you to move forward n the most amazing of ways. The more I look at all my partner has done for me the more guilt and shame I feel for my actions. I realize how manipulative, emotionally insecure and downright immature I have been...and she has stood by me in a manner I could never fully fathom. Dr. Irene's anger checklist is incredibly helpful, as are almost all the articles I've read through. I don't want to lose my partner; yet a part of me feels I don't even deserve to push my desires onto her right now. You have dealt with everything this year, from all your mistakes to all your personal growth and truly truly amazing changes, and you have inspired me more than I could ever explain. I love this woman so much; I hate my past actions, and though I know that I should not obsess on them, it's a very very thin line to walk. I guess a part of me is still learning that its not about obsessing a s a means to prevent forgetting it. I don't know Mark, maybe this is just too long winded, rambling and makes precious little sense. ALl I want you to really know is that thank you for your story, your inspiration, and for sharing all you've been through. I hope you find some peace bit by bit every day. Z

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January 08, 2006
01:33 PM

Hi Mark, I commend you on seeing how negative your actions were...That's big! Some people continue a negative cyle because they don'[t know how they are contributing to it. anyhow, I've had some keloid scarring on my hands and Stri-Vectin has reduced them. It didn't take them away completely, but it has mad them less noticeable. It helped my self -esteem alot. Good luck!

 

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January 18, 2006
09:59 PM

Those of you who feel it is necessary to post profane messages, need help. Look inside yourself and find a way to fix it, your life is waiting. You can't anger anyone here. This is a site for healing. Why are you here?Try and try but you are only calling out for help. Now go get it. mike

 

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April 01, 2006
06:04 PM

Hello Mark, I am 36 and also because of a recently lost love (and with hindsight a love lost many years ago), I too have recently learned to recognise my abusive, selfish, controlling, egotistical and other ultimately self destructive behaviour patterns that I have carried, and often used as a shield against others for a great portion of my life. I was not/am not always this way, and there are still some who like me for the good traits I have, but those are family. I do believe this though - change IS possible and permanent positive change IS attainable for those willing to go. The journey and the destination is as yet unmapped, and your route will be different from mine, but walk, crawl, drag or blindly stagger we must, or be doomed to repeat & repeat & repeat & repeat......Austin