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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

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Comments for 2nd Time Around

Comments:  2nd Time Around

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   CopyrightŠ 1998-2003. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Sunday June 08, 2003

Stimpy, By sharing your story, you've reinforced in me my reasons for calling it quits in my own marriage. reading about your P/A BF is so much like reading about my stbx husband! When I'm tempted to waver and thing "It wasn't so bad" seeing just how bad it was in black and white helps keep me on track. I don't ever want to live like that again, and I know you don't either! Your "Bill of Rights" is something I'd like to copy if I may. Becky

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Monday June 09, 2003

Stimpy, Sounds like you're really focused & good for you that you saw the abuse & refused to tolerate it any longer! You're right, you DO deserve better treatment. YAY! JewelsMommy

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Wednesday June 11, 2003

Stimpy, would you contact me for a book im writing on women moving from abuse to self love and awareness? paulaskye@hotmail.com

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Thursday June 12, 2003

wow. exactly what i wanted to express. my feelings. my thoughts. my abused past. i juz ended my rship with h 4 days ago. i still miss him n love him, terribly! but these have been goin on very frequently for 2 years now. he wud be very nasty towards me, name-calling, insulting, belittling, accusing me of having affairs, past affairs during our time-out periods, kept track of my life, controlled me, my interests, feelings, and always blame me for 'having tt angry tone, that's why we always fite!', compared me with other girls, VERY jealous, possesive, cut off all my contacts with my friends, of course the guys AND most girls (he wud pick out who's on the 'approved' list, and that doesn't leave me to more than 10), talked bad abt me to my bezfren, and even asked her out to buy my bday pressie (afterwhich i gathered tt he was juz doin tt to isolate them from me!, and worst still, he blamed her n accused her of flirting when she told me what was happening. the saddest part was... two days before i called it quits, it was my bday, and we had celebrated it with much love and romance... i was very happy.. eversince the breakup.. i found out so many lies tt he had told me.. i juz dun understand why.. cud it be he has got sumone else? why? i sacrificed my everything for him. i juz dun feel justified at all.

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Thursday June 12, 2003

GOD Bless YOU for your courage. I think you're amazing and I truly feel that God has given you the strength to be the Woman of courage that you are. Thanks so much for your story. One of the things you said really stood out for me, and it was this: So what else did I learn? I learned that I still have work to do in recognizing when my boundaries are being crossed-it seems like I don't see it until I replay the argument in my head later. I feel the same way, I don't replay the agrument until later. I was so glad you said that, because I was starting to think that there was something wrong with me. Thanks again, God Bless you!

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Thursday June 12, 2003

THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR THAT! I am currently going through exactly what you went through with BF with my husband. It has taken me 8 years to realize that his overreactions, disrespect, and anger were a problem. I'm posting the "Basic Bill of Rights" somewhere where I can read it every day to remind myself I deserve to be treated better than that...

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Friday June 13, 2003

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Monday June 16, 2003

I copied out your Bill of Rights to read and re-read until they become programmed permanently into my brain!

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Tuesday June 17, 2003

May 6, ,2003 I was born on 8-31-55 and have a sister who was born 5-11-58. Both of my parents are living. Dad was born 2-17-32 and mom was born 1-27-34. They were married 2-27-55 and divorced in 1978. I was an above average student in school and graduated from Lebanon High in 1973. I majored in business courses. I started organ lessons when I was five and began making a living playing and singing when I was 14. I did this until I was 32. When I was 15, I learned accordion and joined an all-teenage member accordion band who played the east coast. I had the privilege of making a vinyl album and playing in front of Cinderella's castle in Disney World FL. I also twirled baton and went on to teach and judge at competitions. I married the first time when I was 19. 5-2-75. Jim had already been in his 2nd marriage and had a little boy. Where my head was I don't know. My dad and mom are emotionally distant people and my dad has never hugged me, kissed me or said he loves me. He disciplined with a belt and you didn't want to be on the angry side of him. Maybe I saw Jim as a way out. My sister had married at age 14 and was pregnant. Her little boy, Samuel, was born with an enlarged heart and died at the age of 7-1/2 months. My marriage to Jim was a joke. He was very abusive and after the gun threat I left and filed for divorce. My mom was leaving my dad at the time and suggested I live with him till I get back on my feet. My sister moved with my mom and my mom was moving in with David, who would later be my stepdad. The most painful part of their divorce for me was that I couldn't visit my mom and David. She didn't want my dad to know she lived with him. One night after dark I went to visit and could see them all laughing and talking inside but they totally ignored my knocking. My dad knew what was going on and it just really hurt. It bothers me to this day that my mom and sister and her family and very close. A lot of times I feel like I have no one. I remarried 3-28-82. Michael was 34, the youngest of 15 kids and never married. I figured he was my salvation in a way. I didn't notice that everytime I saw him he had a bottle of beer in his hand. He is an alcoholic, now recovering. He is also a gambling addict and plays the Pennsylvania lottery very heavy. Years of emotional and mental abuse contributed to my depression and anxiety and I began to get sick. Amanda blamed both Michael and my stepdad of sexually abusing her and she stopped speaking to adults for eight years from the age of three. We found out later she lied in both cases and it was then thought that the selective mutism was in response to the fighting in the alcoholic atmosphere. After years of threatening I finally broke down and left in 1/99. I just couldn't take anymore. We hadn't been intimate for 12 years of even shared a bed. He wasn't sociable unless he was blitzed and the fighting just wore me down. There was also the night that he and Amanda were at a six year old cousins birthday party. Naturally there was drinking. Isn't there beer at most children's parties? Some guy cut Michael off on the way home and Michael decided to tailgate him and flash multibeams. A cop sitting roadside saw it and chased and pulled him over. As soon as he smelled the booze he did a breathalizer. Michael was insisting he wasn't drunk, Amanda was in the back seat crying. The cop gave him a huge break and didn't cite him for DUI. Instead he cited him for public drunkenness and posing endangerment to others. He also impounded the car. Michael believed I had been wishing this on him and wouldn't call me to come for them. He called his niece and her husband instead to bring them and the car home. I sought help at Women In Crisis when I left. I dated a few men but nothing serious. Brooke became a very good friend and one day he said he got an email from my niece, Jen. She told him I was a lying, neurotic, meddling, evil, vendictive, scamming the insurance company for money bitch. She said I am Amanda's whole problem and the reason her uncle drinks. When I emailed her asking her why she did this, she said she knew more about me than I could imagine. Wondering how this could be led me to do my own memory searching and investigating. I found out she worked in the legal department at Women In Crisis. I showed them her emails and she was fired on the spot. Jen was about 5'5, 300+ lbs. and single, pregnant from an internet romance turned sour. I got the blame for her firing and losing insurance when she was pregnant. July 31st she went into labor and her blood pressure zoomed causing the placenta to burst. Little Alex was stillborn. I got the blame for that as well. Michael's family does not talk to us and stopped talking to him when we reconciled our marriage on 10/1/02. Amanda was tested in school and was in special ed throughout. Her IQ is in the 70's and she has specific learning disabilities. She is also very lazy and makes no effort to work. She has no motivation to drive or do anything. Her dad will not support me in getting her out. I wanted to put her in a group home setting but he won't allow it. She is very spoiled and pampered from years of not talking and now at age 18 cannot handle losing privileges or not having her own way. I saw a very scary side of her temper tantrum and the next time it happens I will be calling 9-1-1 if I am still living here. While we were apart Michael lost his car to the finance company and foreclosure was started on the house. He filed Chapter 13 bankruptcy and had to take in a friend I met on the internet, 61 year old Pete, who is a diabetic amputee who also served two years in State prison for alleged sexual offenses on a mentally challenged young woman in a home he worked at. He had been a mayor and according to him was framed. He said another woman at work had eyes for him and coached "Diane" to say she was raped when he didn't return her advances. To see him I can't imagine any woman wanting him but he was married three times. He has no teeth and doesn't wear dentures. His fingers are stained from cigarettes. I did read the transcripts and the charges were dropped. Other than the music business, I worked in desktop publishing for eight years designing ads on a macintosh pc. I became disabled in March 1995 with bilateral carpal tunnel. I had each hand operated on twice for various problems. When surgeries didn't help they did an MRI on my spine. They found in addition to six protruding disks a tumor on the left lobe of my thyroid. I had it removed in 10/95 and luckily it was benign. They also found I had what is called Cauda Equina Syndrome, nerve damage in the lumbar spine. During all this with my back I developed incontinence and was given collagen shots in my bladder. The last time the doctor injected too much and I personally believed damaged nerves and I was then unable to wizz without a catheter. I am now told I have a neurogenic bladder but of course it is not the doctors fault. I had endometriosis and my doctor said since I had three miscarriages and had to take Progesterone from time of trying to conceive through the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy with Amanda to carry her, that I should have a complete hysterectomy. I had no clue the havoc it would wreak on my sexuality or sensations. Orgasms take longer and are not as intense and it is very depressing. Cigarettes are a vice I can't seem to kick despite having tried the patches, gum, etc. My health is getting progressively worse and it is for that reason that I am going to be leaving again on September 1, 2003 unless I can find a way to do it before. I talked to Michael (the little bit he is willing to talk) and he's not willing to compromise or change the gambling or get Amanda out and moving. The last time we were alone as a couple was in April of 1992. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, don't have enough potassium, borderline diabetes, gastric reflux/peptic ulcer disease and take 11 meds daily. I began psychiatric/therapy a little over a month ago. The shrink increased my depression medication to hopefully help that as well as my anxiety/panic attacks and to stabolize my mood. With everything going on here I fly off the handle at anything and everything. He kept my anxiety medicine the same. I have to wonder what the future holds and I have given everything to God. I realize God works in His own time but I don't know that my health can wait that long. Maybe my faith needs vitamins. I really believe I was my calmest self the three years we were apart. I could kick myself in a way for coming back but he quit drinking and I believe in family. Blind sighted. I know I am meant to be in a relationship that is reciprocal unconditional love, friendship, mutual confidantes. It's whether that person is out there. They will know and I will too. I am a brutally honest, sincere and sensitive woman. I am romantic, sexual and have a lot to offer the man who knows how to treat a woman and is himself an honest and trustworthy man. I am looking for a one woman man as i am a one man woman. my disability is only 730/month so I have some saving to do to do as the therapists says "develop Plan B and get out for my health." She feels I am an articulate, attractive woman and if I start going places I won't be alone long. I guess we'll see. I am full figured like the Greek goddess build, aka BBW to some. Born with red hair and mood eyes - they are sometimes blue, sometimes green. June 6, 2003 Amanda was supposed to have therapy yesterday but didn't get up. The appointment was at 11. I went and had the session instead since I was pretty depressed between this weather and what Michael did. The mortgage and his court payment were due yesterday. He hasn't paid either. It's my understand if the payment was not in Florida by June 5th, they bankruptcy was null and void. He claims he's mailing it tomorrow but I don't think there's a grace period. Sandy (my therapist) talked to me about the times in my life since I left home at age 19. My marriages were the two biggest mistakes I feel I've made. I regret both. The only regret I don't have is my daughter, despite her laziness. Sandy said she used to work at a nursing home and was surprised at the number of elderly people who had nothing but a life of regrets or wishes that they had done things differently. She begged me not to become one of them. She said she noticed a recurring pattern in my life and that was I get in situations where there are destructive behaviors and I waste my life waiting for people to change. She asked to please stop it. I know it will be difficult but I have to walk away - alone. Getting 730.00/month SSDI isn't practical when it comes to supporting oneself but one day at a time, right? June 15, 2003 After being up till approximately 2 a.m. and having eaten a ham on roll, popcorn and salsa and later a tossed salad, Amanda was made to get up at 10 and ate a full breakfast of dippy eggs, toast and homefries. Within a few hours she was sick. Begging to go to the hospital. Said it was coming out both ends. I was determined not to get involved so I continued to do laundry as I have to be in the basement to get the washer to start spinning manually. It seems like the belts are shot. She went back to bed and proceeded to sleep. After I was done with the laundry I got my bath and she came in the bathroom to pee. I asked her if she wanted to go to Walmart with me and the answer was a resounding yes! All she had to do was get dressed :-) I called her dad in and told him she was going to go to Walmart with me and he knew. He told her, "she got you now Amanda." I told her I am leaving but as long as I am here she is not going to give me a nervous breakdown or worse. She does not care about her personal hygiene, doesn't even get dressed or comb her hair during the day. She only has insurance for two more weeks since she quit college and turns 19 on July 2nd. It is going to take me some time but I am going to start saving my money and I'm leaving. Wherever I end up going I will work part time and not be dependent on Michael for alimony. Hopefully my car won't die. It is a 1998 and has 62,000 miles on it. I hate that I am stuck in this house 24/7 because Michael lost his car and uses mine. I am on a guilt trip because I do care about him and I don't want to see him suffer but he doesn't care enough to change his behavior and ease his own suffering. He said he has always loved me but he just doesn't express it. Some say the novelty wore off after all these years but that deep down inside he loves me. Who would work 10 hours and come home and make supper because their wifes hands hurt they ask, if he didn't love me. They ask is it worth a new relationship to have the thrill of the newness which will wear off eventually too? I am just totally confused. I guess I could track down a minister to talk to and ask their opinion as to whether or not my leaving would be a horrible sin. If Michael were to die before me I would be sad. We spent over 21 years together. It's just that living in this situtation with Pete and Amanda and Michael is really doing a number on my health. Maybe God will put the answer/solution in front of me and the wisdom to recognize it. I certainly hope so. June 16, 2003 Amazing thing life is. I met Nick on the internet, a 58 year old disabled widower who offered me a roommate option as he also needs financial help to maintain an apartment. Over the weeks of talking, Nick and I developed feelings for each other. I felt guilty because Michael quit drinking and just because he was still gambling and lying about money probably didn't mean that I had a right to be angry or to leave. Well the can of worms was about to be opened. My dysfunction daughter decided to email her dad and tell him I have a new man. She talked to me in ways I never talked to my mother. I saved the email. Michael acted jilted and hurt and asked if I gambled and lied if that gave him the right to go out and screw someone. Note I am not "screwing" anyone. He refused to discuss it rationally and went to bed as he had to get up early and his night had already been ruined by us. He played 202 in the lottery and it came up straight. When he went to collect he was told it was played for today, 6/17. What ashame, eh? He was angrily telling me the problem is ME and that I always need someone to blame when things don't work. He was telling Amanda he is letting everything go and no longer paying the house or the bankruptcy. I am hurt and confused. I don't think I am wrong here and I think once again it is Amanda at work as she was "punishing us" for taking privileges from her since she refuses to get out of bed and do anything, work inside or outside the house. All she wants to do is play on the computer or watch tv. When she was four she stopped speaking to adults and was labeled selectively mute. One of the therapists at the time insisted she had to have been sexually abused. I began looking at Michael in a totally different way, wondering. She said later he played "gooker games" with her and he was investigated. The mutism started after witnessing several fights when he was drinking, my going to work, Amanda having her tonsils/adenoids out and me trying to set rules for her. The charges were later dropped and she said he didn't do anything. Another time when she was 8, 1992 - mike and i went away for a weekend alone and it was the last time. Amanda stayed at my moms and was angry. When we picked her up she said my stepdad sexually abused her. He too was investigated. Later, she said she lied but charges were already dropped. Could it be that both my husband and my daughter have sociopathic tendencies?

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Thursday June 19, 2003

At least you didn't marry him and give up your autonomy. You are much closer to recovery than so, so many others are.

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Sunday June 22, 2003

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Sunday June 22, 2003

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Friday June 27, 2003

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Wednesday July 02, 2003

Stimpy- You are a survivor! I love your relationship bill of rights. I have taken it and composed my own version. I married my husband last October after dating for 4 years. He has a serious anger management problem and lashes out verbally whenever he becomes stressed. I only hope he will get some help.

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Wednesday July 02, 2003

Stimpy Here is how I adapted your relationship bill of rights. Thank you for a great foundation to get my thoughts on paper. Hope you don't mind. I love you very much. I would never have gotten married if that weren't so. I think we can have a wonderful marriage, but it hasn't gotten off on the best track. I would like to work on making our marriage the best it can be. I need your help. I’m sure that there are things about me that drive you crazy and I wish you felt free to share them with me. I would never reject you for voicing your opinion. I can't change things unless I know what the problems are. I have written a "wish list" for our marriage. I hope you can read it without having to lash out at me. Remember, I adore you and when you speak cruelly to me it crushes me. ŠI deserve to be treated with respect, even when you are angry. ŠI deserve to be listened to when I ask for what I want in our marriage or when I express a concerns in a respectful way. I do not deserve to be attacked full force when you are stressed and need a scapegoat. ŠI deserve an acknowledgment from you when you say something disrespectful to me, and an apology too. ŠI don't need to be perfect to deserve all of the above. This is not a competition, it is a marriage. If you have a valid complaint, you can express it to me in a respectful manner. I don't have to listen to a barrage of all the things I do wrong, and correct them all, before you take responsibility for your own actions. ŠI will work on improving myself no matter how bad your behavior is. I deserve the same from you. ŠIt is not my responsibility to bear the brunt of your emotional reactions. You are always courteous to your co-workers. I am your wife. I deserve the same. ŠWe are supposed to be a family. I deserve to know on a day to day basis where you are and when you will be coming home. This is not an attempt to thwart your autonomy, we are married and this is how spouses treat each other. ŠI deserve to have you view me as your partner. We live like a pair of single parents who cohabitate. You seem to be far more emotionally bound to your child than to me. We both love our children but we must hold sacred and nurture our personal relationship. I so want to have an intense connection and closeness with you. I want to know your dreams and fears and I want to talk about our future. I don’t want you to feel threatened just because I want to have a serious conversation. ŠI deserve to have you say "thank you" to me. I spend a majority of my time trying to make your life easier and it would be wonderful to know that you notice. ŠI would like you to get help for your anger outbursts. They scare me. Degrading me, my parenting skills, my home, and my possessions does not make you a better person and it causes me immense pain.

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Wednesday July 02, 2003

Stimpy Sorry about my post above.It seems pretty difficult to read. It somehow reformatted itself. The part to my husband starts with "I love you very much".

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Thursday July 03, 2003

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Friday July 04, 2003

stimpy Way to go! It sounds like you are making leaps and strides to a new way of expressing yourself. I admire that. The communication efforts and expressing myself, boundaries.. are all issues I am working on as well. I too have found someone new to share with and have as a companion. We are both working diligently. Keep up the good work.. and Keep posting!! Thanks for your RElationship bill of rights. I'll keep them for reference.

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Saturday July 05, 2003

abuse can be very covert--as it seems to have begun in your case--it's also can take FOREVER to see it for what it actually is--and it can come after years and years of "working on yourself"--and (not to seem the victim)--"they" seem so "nice"--at first--and then, just when you've begun to trust them , it all falls apart--I like the Basic Bill of Rights--I am just coming out of an abusive relationthip (which I've only recently (2 weeks ago) begun to classify it as that)--this site has provided me with a lot of confirmation--things that I just couldn't define, or put my finger on exactly--I think that I was the victim of covert abuse--although I'm still waiting on Amazon.com to deliver my books to PROVE my point--it makes you think you're crazy--it MAKES you crazy--in fact, my abuser was a PhD in the psychological field--that makes it even worse (especially after 9 years of therapy--I figured that he was right)---it's like coming out of a fog--thank you for your post--and thank you for this site--the desparate are trying NOT to go back or fall into the trap once AGAIN--it helps to be DAIlY reminded of why we left--the addiction is so strong--and I guess, also, that I truly, with all my heart and soul, loved someone who could not love me back.

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Saturday July 05, 2003

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Saturday July 05, 2003

this is the first time that i have looked into this web site and since i just left my husband last night - i had to walk 5 miles in the 100 degree heat barefooted to keep myself from harms way but i did it- now what, i have no idea

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Thursday July 10, 2003

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Friday July 11, 2003

I just felt I was in a mirror image!!

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Tuesday July 15, 2003

Wow. Were there truly no clues? I am not disbelieving you (I was married to an NPD for nearly 20 years so I am not one to doubt others), but only asking you to dig deeper. Were there things you ignored, little things that really did bother you but that you discounted as being "your" problem. I am trying to find the faith to start a new relationship, but I think that I am so afraid and not trusting of myself that I seem to close up and not let anyone in. Just where *is* that line of our reactions being "our stuff" and also making sure that we are not ignoring some big clues? Thank you for sharing, Stimpy. Maria

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Tuesday July 15, 2003

Dr. Irene, I think your site is wonderful; I did not realize how many women are in abusive marital relationships. Reading some of the stories has in some way been comforting to me. I have been married for 17 months, and so far the marriage has been both physically and verbally abusive. However,as the God-fearing Christian woman that I am, I won't allow another human being to destroy all the years of self-confidence and dignity that my parents (and God) have instilled in me. I don't feel good about myself when my husband calls me out of my name. In life people will say bad things about us; but, it is painful when the person who is supposed to be "one flesh" with me says disparaging things. Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. That old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is such a lie. Words do hurt. First, words hurt mentally; and, second, mental pain may manifest itself as physical illness. Although I love my husband dearly, and am against divorce, no one has the right to tear me down; even if I have done something to make him angry. God created me and loves me too. Separation and divorce is not God's will for marriage; but, neither is a broken spirit.

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Wednesday July 16, 2003

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Wednesday July 23, 2003

Awesome letter. Very well written!! Also it was, as others said, "a mirror image" of my relationship. I kept saying, "EXACTLY!!" to the computer as I read along. Mine started out the same way and everything. Very subtle. In reference to what you said: "he was cunning. He could take any statement and intellectually challenge it" My vabf has a genious level I.Q. It was one of the things that attracted me to him. But he can be very slick in an argument. In fact, I went back to college to get my teaching degree and had to take a Deductive Logic course. After that it was amazing to realize how many fallacies of logic that he would try to use in one argument. And you probably already know what his reaction was when I tried to point them out and work on an actual solution to our conflict. Egads! Anyhow, I'm printing out your Bill of Rights. Thanks so much for sharing with us. Hopeful1

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Wednesday July 30, 2003

Stimpy, I am so grateful for your article. I used to be a regular here when I was leaving a very bad abusive relationship. Your experience is a near parallel to my experience in my current relationship. It helps so much to see the same patterns in writing happening to someone else. It was shocking to hear such similiar experiences even down to the details of things like the ring, "lawyer talk", jealousy, insecurities about past relationships, my "distant" tone of voice, an "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude... It's been hard for me to leave because it is so much better than my past relationships, and like your bf, mine also is very sweet most of the time. It is very hard to maintain my inner peace and healthy behaviors with his co-dependent behavior - and my bf always tries to put it under the guise of caring and concern for me. I recognize that he thinks he's being loving, but in fact it's controlling and very co-dependent. I know I'm not perfect and I don't expect either of to be perfect. What I would like is a loving relationship full of emotional initmacy, trust and support! Suzanne

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Wednesday July 30, 2003

Oh, Stimpy! You have written my story! The covert abuse and manipulation, the refusal to see anything wrong within himself. I pray that someday you write to us with GOOD news. God Bless and Keep you. Jaartee

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Sunday August 03, 2003

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Monday August 04, 2003

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Tuesday August 05, 2003

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Tuesday August 05, 2003

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Tuesday August 05, 2003

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Thursday August 07, 2003

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Friday August 08, 2003

So emotionally hard to read! I am trying to figure out the relationship with my husband.... am I the victim... is he? We are really on the rocks right now and somehow he feels that what I have been seeing as his abuse is just me being nutty. His second marriage... so many red flags along the way. The way he talks about his ex-wife. "It was all her!". The way he talks to me now is disturbingly familiar. He calls me a "dumb shit"... I can't take a joke!?. What joke? He calls MY REACTION visceral and abusive??? He says he's done that one with about 50 of his friends (not that I ever noticed them being around for him that much) and they all took it well. Here's the idea of the ds thing.... I am driving along on a road trip... he's in the passenger seat.. I change lanes and forget to turn of the turn signal (I am actually quite proud of using the turn signal) he goes chanting... dumb shit... dumb shit.... dumb shit... in sequence with the turn signal... I get irritated (mildly put) and tell him to stop... but what I get is the old "What the hell is the matter with you?" response. Respect? NO Listening? NO Positive response? NO Acknowledgement of wrong actions? NO I feel that I need to get out and find a better life for myself! Hard to do, but I WILL succeed! SLS

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Wednesday August 13, 2003

I have questions. What now? How are you working to make sure you are able to set your boundaries and have your bounderies respected?

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Monday August 18, 2003

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Wednesday August 20, 2003

Hmmmm, well I can relate all to well. I feel I have gone the last round with abusive husband #2 (at least he wasn't physically abusive) as if that made him so much a better man. I too have so many of same things hoping to create a better environment for myself, sometimes the fear of the unknown is less than the fear of the known. I hope Stimpy is alive, well and above all living in peace and is happy. She is mature to recognize her weakness and strives to grow stable and aware of her own needs first. I am just beginning this journey for the second time, being on my own is not the worst way to live. Striving

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Thursday August 21, 2003

Yes. Sometimes it is difficult, as I know, to recognize the different behaviors. I believe I went through a similar situation, dating people I thought were "nice," thinking they were different from my abusive ex-husband. However, I guess I learned the hard way that just because they're seemingly nicer.. it doesn't mean that boundaries won't be crossed. And, I guess like you, I've still gotta learn when that happens and know that I deserve respect. and Congrats on staying off alcohol and pills. ;) that's a big accomplishment! :)

 

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