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11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

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Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for Husband's Lessons

Comments for Husband's Lessons

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 19, 2000

S1

Dear Stimpy,

You're amazing! Look what you're accomplished in 11 years - college, graduate school and then law school. You are still so young, too. And best of all, you've learned to listen to your gut and intuition and care for yourSelf. Kudos to you and God bless you.

Lots of love and admiration, Honey

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 19, 2000

S1

WOW! Be proud of yourself.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 19, 2000

S1

Why do some of us have to go through hell literally to learn the "lesson"? That's the part that I don't understand......But I am glad to see that this woman finally saw the light. Just as I did. So many wasted years...... Good luck and God bless......

Denise

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, December 20, 2000

S1

Stimpy, I left my H around Sept. the only thing is I am falling right back into feeling sorry for him and giving in to his guilt trips, I cannot quit contact due to we have a child. Mine and my daughters councilor has had a couple of sessions with him and strongly feels he has a narcassitic personality disorder. I wanted to say I admire your strength and determination, you made a comment about leave him alone, let him play out his own drama I think I am going to try and apply that to my situation, I really need to get back to learning to love myself and handing him all his own guilt, hurt and abuse. My councilor keeps telling me I need to learn to hurt for myself and all the damage he did to me so that I can start to heal, I thought I was getting there and then these damm holidays came around and I am hurting more than I thought possible. Best wishes and congratulations on your incredible accomplishments. Nuts

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 22, 2000

S1

Good for you!

My only comment is that this type of abuse should not be blamed on substance addiction (although substance addiction is certainly not a good thing!) But my ex-husband was similarly controlling & abusive, and he was not a substance abuser at all. I believe abuse itself is an addictive behavior.

Several years after my divorce, I have forgiven my ex-husband, but I don't want to live with him again!

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 22, 2000

S1

I most definitely agree. I don't know if it's the adrenaline rush or the power of control going to their heads, but when my h is in a rage, it is definitely addictive. No one deserves to be in a relationship where rage is the addiction. My only regret is that I wasn't where I am today emotionally when he raged last Sept. I was unclear on boundaries, caught off guard, and too used to a relatively quick "resolution" to what ever triggered the rage. Each day I kept expecting it to be done. It wasn't. If that were to happen today, I would be out the door in 2 seconds, taking kids and dog, without a look back. As it is, I am making preparations. It took me interviewing 3 different attorneys for me to find the right one for me, and I am starting the paperwork. I will not be caught off guard like that again. I have things for myself, dog and kids stored in a storage locker. I am removing everything that is most important to me. I am anxiously looking forward to my life without excuses and blame. He thinks things will just go on like always. I have been saying I can't do this anymore, that we aren't friends anymore, and the fact that our realities are so different and never resolved is unacceptable. All I get is denial, blame shifted back on me, and my words twisted into things I didn't mean. Oh well. I won't participate. He isn't accepting responsibility for himself, so, I will stay safe and create my own sanctuary of health and peace. Pam

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 22, 2000

S1

I loved your story. I wish I had as much sense as you have had at such a young age. I did get my masters in spite of my ex and now am finishing up my doctoral degree but waited so long (I am 45). Your story was really uplifting to me. Good luck. Sandra

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 22, 2000

S1

Actually, I don't blame it on his addiction, which I believe is just a symptom of a larger problem. The more I read about it, the more I realize that he most likely has a narcisstic personality disorder, because he can't even have a conversation with a group of people without offending someone. He hates all people (except he used to say he loved me), and believes he is better than anyone else. They say NPD is difficult to treat because it's hard for a narcissist to admit he (or she) has a problem. I think his self-esteem was so low that he had to smoke pot to get away from himself. But it was a neverending cycle because his addiction made him feel even worse about himself (even though he didn't come out and say that). I wish I could help him feel better about himself, but he never accepted compliments well. And when I tried to comfort him, he pushed me away. I hope he learns what a great person he really is someday.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 22, 2000

S1

Actually, I don't blame it on his addiction, which I believe is just a symptom of a larger problem. The more I read about it, the more I realize that he most likely has a narcisstic personality disorder, because he can't even have a conversation with a group of people without offending someone. He hates all people (except he used to say he loved me), and believes he is better than anyone else. They say NPD is difficult to treat because it's hard for a narcissist to admit he (or she) has a problem. I think his self-esteem was so low that he had to smoke pot to get away from himself. But it was a neverending cycle because his addiction made him feel even worse about himself (even though he didn't come out and say that). I wish I could help him feel better about himself, but he never accepted compliments well. And when I tried to comfort him, he pushed me away. I hope he learns what a great person he really is someday.

Stimpy

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 23, 2000

S1

integraty is the key word honesty is the key word were you??????

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 23, 2000

S1

integraty is the key word honesty is the key word were you?????? don't expect it from others if you weren't....

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 23, 2000

S1

integraty is the key word honesty is the key word were you?????? don't expect it from others if you weren't....

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 23, 2000

S1

integraty is the key word honesty is the key word were you?????? don't expect it from others if you weren't....

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 23, 2000

S1

integraty is the key word honesty is the key word were you?????? don't expect it from others if you weren't....it'sad but true

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 23, 2000

S1

Honesty and integrity... Let me preface this by saying that I'm not calling the person that wrote the above messages an abuser. It just struck a note in me and I wanted to put in my two cents.

Abusers love to throw these words about.. honesty, integrity, loyalty.... It goes something like this.. YOU weren't LOYAL, YOU weren't HONEST, YOU have no INTEGRITY because you did (insert offense here). Therefore, I will be honest and show my integrity by using it against you every chance I get. YOU should be ashamed. YOU hurt me. YOU did something WRONG so now anything that I do that hurts you is justified. At least I NEVER did (insert offense here) to you!

Listen up, you abuser people. We all make mistakes!! If you love us, you will not try to hurt us. If being right is more important than creating a loving relationship, then be right and be without us.

<G> I'm all better now. M.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 23, 2000

S1

Okay, here goes--honesty and integrity. No I wasn't honest. I realize that that was the problem. But when I tried to finally change my ways and be honest, I realized that the only honest thing I could do was leave the relationship, because it was NEVER what I wanted. I was finally honest with myself and realized that I didn't want to be with him even one tiny bit. I didn't get any joy in seeing him at the end of the day, and I know in my heart that that won't change, because I have too much baggage in my bad memories. It doesn't matter whose fault it was, but why would he even WANT to stay in a marriage when his wife doesn't want to be around him? That's not being loving to himself.

Stimpy

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 23, 2000

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 23, 2000

S1

Stimpy,

I am in awe. Well said.

M.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, December 24, 2000

S1

Stimpy,

I just found this post. I don't think I ever wrote this before, but I just admire you so much. You did I what I wished and dreamt of doing but never did, get into college and get a law degree or psychologist degree. I worked inside the Supreme Court most of my life and then over to the hospital but got educated through consuming information through books and courses.

I truly hope you will print your post and the positive responses to it. Then read and re-read them. Some of these people have gotten to know you over the last few months and like me, have admired your determination and strength, Don't beat yourself up for getting depressed along the way, you hold such high standards for yourself that your inner critic was working overtime at telling you that you had somehow failed by having to leave. Don't believe it. Your intuition has always been right on.

With this new found freedom and learning more and more about yourself and your incredible strength you will go on to do things you never thought possible. I just know it. Don't look back, just celebrate your new future. It's been a pleasure knowing you.

Sage

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 26, 2000

S1

It has been 6 months since I left my abusive bf. I went through EMDR therapy which helped me do some serious healing, but it was still very difficult. In October I decided to sue him for the $15,000. he owes me. Unfortunately, it looks like a full battle in court - he is still trying to use it as a way to abuse me. It is different now because I know he can no longer hurt or intimidate me. On Christmas eve we were at church and I was praying for strength and protection. God sent me 3 angels to stand close to me - one for love, for strength, and for happiness. I will use this visualization to feel the strength and love God gives me.

I am learning that as I love myself and know that God loves me, I am demanding love and respect in every situation. I am so grateful I am not in that abusive situation anymore and my life is overflowing with love and peace!

Suzanne

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 26, 2000

S1

That post about honest and integrity hit a nerve for me too. Sound a lot like my abuser. Half way through our relationship, he wanted out because I wasn't enough of a woman for him. After a couple months I started dating someone and my bf came back. Unfortunately I took him back and he beat me up for the next year for "cheating" on him.

Stimpy, you are clearly full of honesty and integrity - good for you!

Suzanne

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, December 31, 2000

S1

Good for you good for you good for you good for you good for you!!!!

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 01, 2001

S1

GOOD FOR YOU!!!! YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUND OF YOURSELF!! I AM IN THE PROCESS OF LEAVING AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND OF 7 YRS AND IT'S GOOD TO HEAR A SUCCESS STORY!!!! IT GIVES ME HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!!!! CHERYL

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 02, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 02, 2001

S1

I wish I had my divorce over with like Stimpy. I've been called too many names for too long. I'm in college now at age37 with 2 daughters and wanting out of this marriage now. Any advice?

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 02, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 02, 2001

S1

To 37 with 2 daughters...the only advice I can give you is to make sure you are ready to go, and then find a way to do it. If you're uncertain, you may decide to go back. Therapy helped me a lot to figure out whether I serious about leaving. It also helped with the depression and anxiety about leaving. Meanwhile, just don't take your anger out on him in a rage...if anything, just ignore him and go about your way like he's not even there. If he yells, don't defend yourself. Read the book, "You Can't Say That To Me" to find out how to deal with someone like that. Good luck!

Stimpy

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 03, 2001

S1

Congratulations to this woman. This sounds like my life other than I met the same "D" when I was 16, he was 27, now 20 years and 2 kids later, I can't get away yet. Your story is encouraging for someone like me.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 04, 2001

S1

Stimpy- Your story could be mine! (BTW, I used to be Ren, in my 1st marriage!) I married my 1st husband at 17, while pregnant. Due to physical my problems, it was unlikely I could complete the pregnancy. We penniless, briefly homeless, and he talked me into an abortion. I've regretted that ever since. He physically and verbally abused me for 7 years. Then I too had an affair, and that other man gave me the self-worth to leave. The affair lasted two more years, but he wouldn't commit, was unfaithful constantly, and I broke it off repeatedly but came back. I told myself this was better than before. (During my 1st marriage, I also worked as a topless dancer while going to college.) I started dating my 2nd husband 7 years ago. We married 5 years ago. During the beginning of our relationship, I kept secretly seeing my old lover. Then I dumped him for good, for my new husband after about 3 months of two-timing. On our 1 year wedding anniversary, my new husband told me he just found out, from a friend who saw me with the old flame, and wanted to know if it was still going on. I denied everything, and he held a gun to my head. Afraid for my life, I told him that was the only time. The past 4 years have been Hell. He suspects me constantly, checks up on me, and flies into a rage if I can't be reached. (In my 2nd marriage, I too have finished my bachelor's degree and got lucky w/a really good job. I make enough he doesn't have to work. And he smokes pot every day, too.) This past summer, we had another fight involving firearms, just before I had to go away on business. I spilled my guts and told him it went on for 3 months. He was going to find & kill the guy, who is now married w/kids. When I came back, I was ready to get a divorce. He immediately became contrite. I insisted on counseling, confronted him and told him this was abuse. The (male) counselor disagreed with me, telling me basically "no blood, no foul." My husband was in tears, and the counselor accused me of being the abuser by laying into him with abuse accusation when he was sobbing. So now, I'm back to my old denial mechanism - "It never really happened." He's more suspicious than ever now. He accuses me of sleeping w/various co-workers, having internet affairs, etc. I keep buying him elaborate gifts and am taking him on a big vacation next month. I don't know how else to soothe him, and my credit card is nearly maxed out! Still, he's never hit me or cheated on me. So this might be as good as it gets.

Ren

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 05, 2001

S1

Ren,

You really scared me at first, because my D used to post on the Christian board as Ren! I thought it was him until I started reading your story. Ours are so similar in so many ways. My D also has guns--he's always collected them, and I was afraid he might threaten to use them after he found out about the affair. But he never did. D also told me he wanted us to go to marriage counseling after the affair, and my experience was similar to yours, but the counselor was more subtle. He asked me questions like, "Do you think you're smarter than him?" and "Do you think he's a loser, because your father did." And I never even accused him of abuse in the sessions--D was the one who brought it up. Finally I had enough when the D said in counseling that I never did anything for us in all the years we were together. I said, "He's been saying that for years." The counselor responded, "Maybe you're not hearing it." I said, "Well isn't it the slightest bit possible that he's wrong?" The counselor replied, "It's possible, but maybe you're just not hearing what he's trying to say." He knew nothing of our background and all the abusive things D said to me, or D's controlling nature. Fortunately, I have a really good therapist who validated my feelings and told me that she thought the marriage counselor was a schmuck (not her exact wording, but...). But I think you need to take a step back and look at your own situation. Yeah, maybe he never cheated on you and never hit you, but HE THREATENED YOU WITH A GUN!!! That is reason enough right there to get out! You don't deserve this kind of treatment, and until you accept the fact that you are a child of God and deserving of love and acceptance in your marriage, you will suffer. I don't believe God wants that for anybody. Please consider getting out, or at least telling D that you won't take it anymore.

Take care, Stimpy

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 10, 2001

S1

All I have to say is Wow! Congratulations! You're an inspiration. I went through some of the same abuse with family as a child that you went through with your husband. Your email really helps! Anon.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 15, 2001

S1

This sounds like my life. I am glad that you too were able to step back and see what was happening. I was married to an abusive person. He continues to abuse me through our 2 children (3 & 7). I don't know how to stop him. I have moved over 100 miles away. That has helped. He has remarried (wife #3). She is also abusive to me. I need to get a plan together to stop them from bothering me. I don't know how.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 16, 2001

S1

Damn, it is so hard to get away when they have just a few good qualities. I wish we could walk away when we see just the first few red flags. I am very impressed that your higher self is finally getting the right messages to you. You have so many wonderful qualities. You can be invaluable to other people who are suffering through the issues you have been through. But you also need to take the opportunity to let yourself heal and learn how and when to trust again. Good luck with your new future. Dee Crist

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 17, 2001

S1

Stimpy, Reading your letter has been an inspiration. Funny, how we both felt the same way about our men. I'm still hoping mine will improve. He's successful, powerful, influential in the community, seen as a great guy by all, but judged, criticized and demeaned me. I too went outside the marriage and found I was a person worth loving. I've gone through some painful introspection, learned to value myself, my feelings, not to have sex when I didn't want to, and that I should not allow him to intimidate me further. I've begun standing up for myself. He's retreated--especially after the domestic violence charge. He stopped criticizing and judging only when I left for a few days and he got counceling. The rest of the story has not been written. I am living it. I won't allow manipulation anymore and fight back. thanks for sharing your story. I hope to survive mine with a new loving relationship--if only he can treat me like a friend instead of a possession!. If only he cared about my feelings instead of just his...

Still hanging in there.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 17, 2001

S1

Pity I hadn't looked more closely at this board earlier...:)

That whole honor/honesty/integrity bit is a nasty trap. L (my ex-fiance) used to make such a big deal, near the end of our relationship, about the fact that he had always been physically faithful to me. Never mind that he lied to me about EVERYthing else under the sun, and that Mary Jane was his other woman as far as I was concerned. *sigh* That, and I wonder sometimes how much of his faithfulness was from a point of honor and how much was because he simply didn't have enough self-esteem to approach another woman that way.

I *did* cheat, once, near the end, didn't actually have sex but things happened that would be considered cheating. Confessed to it immediately because I didn't want to make it worse by lying. And frankly if he HAD cheated on me it would've upset me less than some of the junk he actually did (like breaking a promise not to bring the drugs on vacation, then LYING to me about it). Doesn't make what I did right, and I know that, but sexual fidelity is certainly NOT the only measure of honor and trust in a relationship.

I felt dishonorable for breaking my promise to marry this man when I finally left him; I don't take such promises as lightly as many people my age (or people in general!) seem to. But it would have been worse to stay. And in the future I'll be more careful about who I choose to make such a promise to...

Astrid (aka AngryGirl)

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 18, 2001

S1

Astrid, Thank you so much. Don't know if you'll read this again, but I'm so glad someone said it. I, too, would rather have had him cheat on me than use drugs daily or lay into my self-esteem with the verbal abuse. I would have rather he left me alone than been with me every minute watching my every move. Good luck in your search for a more loving person.

stimpy

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 18, 2001

S1

Thank you. I just left a relatively short relationship (just over 1 year) that was more abusive than I'm still ready to admit. Even now, he's acusing me of cheating and having someone new (I don't). Every story helps. Every victory inspires.

I know he'd rather blame than change, but it's hard...

Thanks for sharing. You probably do know how much it helps!

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 19, 2001

S1

Please forgive my inability to be of any assistance whatsoever. I am on this site for the second time in six months and knee deep in this tangled mess myself. I don't know if anyone's really reading this, but I hope it's okay if I share here.

On November 30th, I received a 30 minute tongue lashing (for failing to refuel the car that day) on the way to--of all things, a church family group we'd belonged to for two years. I sat there in this family's home for two hours fighting tears and saying to myself "I can't do this another time ever". And there and then I left our church. The eerily troubling thing about our church was that the Ephesians passages and sentiment regarding submission of wives to their husbands was a recurrent theme. The music was phenominal. The people were so kind...yet our involvement in this group seemed to give my husband a more powerful weapon than he'd ever had at his disposal...GOD himself. I told him many times in heated discussions where he told me that I was not living by God's words that I would sooner burn my bible and abandon my Christianity than submit. It did little good. Last spring when I was suffering from a migraine and extreme fatigue one Sunday morning... realized 40 minutes into my prep for church routine that 1) I was in no condition to go out and 2) I had pushed on for this long for fear of his tirade once he learned I'd not be going. Sure enough--he didn't disappoint. From 9am to three pm that day he shouted at me and said things such as that I was part of the Devil himself for not going to church. Finally, I came up with an idea. I decided to take a medication that I currently use for sleep and just "check out". It was a stupid, quick fix idea that kept me from joining in his tantrums or hearing the painful words--but not practical for the long haul. My next idea was to tell him in advance that I would leave for 7 days and leave him to care for the kids while I take a week to think-and insist on WEAVE (Women Escaping A Violent Environment) counselling as a condition of my return. I have dealt with four outbursts since that Nov. 30th day (yep, I keep counting)--but each time he seems to somehow stop short of a full blown rage-a-thon like he used to indulge in. I wonder if my threat is helping. Another thing I used to do that I now realize must be a complete waste of my oxygen was to accept his apology under the condition that he look at the interaction and his behavior and admit that it was abusive. We've been married for 14 years and have a 12 yr. old and a 2yr old, so getting to coulselling appointments would be quite a challenge. I want to fix this ourselves, but that is probably as realistic as performing my own root canal. Heck, probably as painful too! As far as the church issue is concerned, I'm amazed at how well he took it. He responded to my complete termination of all contact with our former church more calmly than he often did if I missed a single Sunday. Praise God, a local Church took out a Full Page Ad in the Sacramento Bee on December 11th targeting the very issue of the danger in some Christian churches where submission is hailed and abuse is looked upon as a "momentary lapse, rather than a part of a more ominous pattern." It even mentioned a local Sunday School Teacher who was killed by her abusive husband after buying into their church counselor's position that she should be submissive. I keep meaning to write and thank the woman who took that brave position. Well, thanks for listening & God Bless, Susan

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 19, 2001

S1

Susan, Thank God you found a church that would take you seriously and help you through the problem of abuse. I'm so glad to hear that--there are very few churches out there that are helpful in that regard. D used religion against me in so many ways, and like yours, he didn't act any better on "church days." One Sunday, he got angry at me for wearing pants on a cold day, saying I didn't wear skirts enough, I dressed like a "dyke", I looked like a man, etc. I got angry with him for saying those things about me and we fought all day about it. He would not admit that he shouldn't be saying those things to me, because in his mind he had a "good reason." And just because your H doesn't go into a full-blown rage doesn't mean his behavior is acceptable. Emotional abuse, manipulation, and put-downs are just as harmful as angry rages. If you haven't already, please check out the yak board on this site, it's so helpful to have validation from other people, and a lot of the women on there are Christians. I think there has been a Susan on there, but I don't know if it was you.

Stimpy

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, January 21, 2001

S1

Hi Stimpy and Thanks for your encouraging words. It couldn't have been me here before though. I'm SO new here that after my late night rambling which helped me to put these thoughts to rest and finally get to sleep, I managed to log back on the next day via the shortcut I had saved, but couldn't for the life of me remember where I had posted and how to get back there after reading yours and answer. I've finally mastered this challenge, and now I'm ready to attempt to locate the "Yak Board" Wish me luck. And thank you for making me feel welcome here. God Bless, Susan

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 22, 2001

S1

GOOD FOR YOU...YES, LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF, TRUST YOUR FEELINGS,,I HAVE BEEN THERE,,,AND EVEN AFTER 6 YEARS, I AM STILL LEARNING, BUT WHAT I KEEP REMEMBERING IS IF IT FEELS WRONG, IT IS WRONG, BECAUSE THESE ARE MY FEELINGS, AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME MY FEELINGS ARE WRONG. TAKE CARE,,,,,

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 22, 2001

S1

i just finished reading the comments page ... i just have one comment .... that is :> POT if not addictive ....

keep up the good fight ...

Peace,

-bec

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 22, 2001

S1

Susan...you're welcome! There are several yak boards on here, but the one I find the most useful is the "Ye Old Yak Board". I've been going on there for a year now, and it's really provided a lot of support and validation. Good luck!

Bec...a lot of people believe pot is not addictive. Chemically, it is not addictive. But ANY substance or activity can become addictive if not practiced in moderation...food, watching TV, even love. Sometimes I think pot is actually more addictive than other drugs, because people see it as such a mild drug that they don't believe they CAN get addicted. But believe me...I still struggle with the addiction to pot. I started up again after I left D, because I was trying to cover up some of the pain. I started using daily again. Last week, I tried giving it up, and the pain and loneliness became unbearable. Unfortunately, my abstinence only lasted one week. It's something I still struggle with.

Stimpy

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 22, 2001

S1

I am going through a similar situation, except my hubby is the assistant pastor of his "father's church". They know about the abuse, but still let him continue to function in the church. Today is Sunday, I could not go today and watch him hipocrit himself, so I said that I was sick. Wed. of this week, he laid me out in his mother's driveway in broad daylight. In the past he has only abused me in the privacy of our own home, so now I am scared and I feel lonely, trapped and worthless. I really need help! I will print out the above article and read it over and over again until I get enough guts to do something about my situation before it is to late. If you would like to e-mail me, send it to Trulyphat@collegeclub.com

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, August 04, 2001

S1

i enjoyed reading this article very much i'am going through much of the same things she did and every time i read something like this it give me new hope that maybe i can leave my situation also. again thanks for sharing. lu

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 16, 2001

S1

I can only hope, I get to her point. I have been living in an abusive (verbally) for (15) plus years. I even divorced him, and like a damn fool married him again two years later. I am so miserable. Unlike her, I have not received an education, and I am so depresed all the time, it is all I can do to make it through a work day. There is not enough space in cyberspace to tell you all I have endured in this ridiculous relationship, and I just do not know what to do anymore. I do Not love him, (how can you possibly love someone who treats you so badly), and leaving is next to impossible, no money, no-where to go. Oh yeah, and he goes to church every Sunday, morning and night, and sings in the choir, what a joke. I stopped going with him, because I could not stand pretending in front of all those people, and worse yet, watching him pretend, it makes my stomach wretch, to think about his charades. Sometimes, I wish I could take his acied tongue out, and beat him with it. His behavior has made me stoop to his level and get really loud, break things, say things I would never want to say, and guess what, I always look like the crazy one, because he has always been very cleaver at hiding his behavior in front of others, including my two grown sons. I know that I have a (self-love) problem, why else would I be in this crazy situation. Any advice or help, would be greatly appreciated. RJ

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Date: Saturday, September 29, 2001

S1

Thanks for this insight. I am going through it right now and it is killing me in some ways and liberating me in others. I am alone and surrounded by people who don't know what it is like to be in an abusive situation. Tomorrow was to be my one year anniversary and inspite of a 5 month separation, my soon-to-be-ex sent a dozen yellow roses (my favorites) with a note saying happy anniversary and thinks we should spend it together and is harassing my by telephone tonight to boot. It is hard not to respond...but I will not be abused for any more days, especially the anniversary of my big mistake. He was emotionally and verbally abusive the entire time I was with him and I didn't really see it until it was too late. Lies, withholding, olympic denial and strange pathological lying about his ex and his life day to day. Wow what a shock. His rage was unbearable and after only 7 months of marriage, I insisted we separate. I have held fast to the separation, but it is hard to understand as he vascilates from nice guy to demonic without any logical reasoning. I have been in therapy and he is too, but reconcilliation is beyond possible. Be strong, all of you in my situation, I am holding fast to a divorce and moving on to happier days soon. Pray for me as I pray for you to be strong and happy. Best, E

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Date: Wednesday, December 12, 2001

S1

I greatly admire her for being able to control her life again. But Dr. Irene, is there a way to deal with the suicidle lonliness once I am alone? Lonliness, I think that is the major problem woman like me, (millions of them) are afraid when we make the decision of leaving an abusive relationship. By the way how can I write to you? Jingye88@hotmail.com

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Date: Tuesday, June 04, 2002

S1

Good for you, I'm so proud of you. Your story is very encouraging for me as I have been going through the same thing for 13 years. I'm now divorced but, unfortunately for my son....he is still involved with his father very much and doesn't want to be but, won't stand up to him. It seems since I left, the father has a new "toy" to play with. Please pray for me and my son.

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Date: Tuesday, June 04, 2002

S1

Good for you, I'm so proud of you. Your story is very encouraging for me as I have been going through the same thing for 13 years. I'm now divorced but, unfortunately for my son....he is still involved with his father very much and doesn't want to be but, won't stand up to him. It seems since I left, the father has a new "toy" to play with. Please pray for me and my son.

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Date: Wednesday, June 05, 2002

S1

Oh yes! I do. I just gave my son's dad an ultimatum. he left me 12 days before I gave birth to our son to marry a woman that almost ruined his career. They got divorced and he started talking sweet but claiming he was too wounded from his divorce to get married or even think of another long term relationship. I got an anonymous telling me he's engaged to someone else and confronted him. He said he is engaged but doesn't know if he will ever marry again. I told him I am not an idiot and unless he's prepared to make amends, break off the engagement and propose to me with a set wedding date, he doesn't even need to bother calling me. No love triangles for me, thank you very much. So... I know what you mean about loving yourself enough to say enough is enough! Good for you!

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Date: Wednesday, June 26, 2002

S1

Funny how the same story is being played over and over again. I am 46 and recently left my husband of four years for reasons very similar to yours. After being completely dependent on him financially, physically, emotionally, I had turned into a smoking/drinking/screaming monster. Eventually, it got the best of me. I became physically ill and started acupuncture. I am half-way through the treatment and my toxic anger is almost gone. I also started therapy and realized that I was simply killing myself to get out of that horrible relationship. I feared him, I feared the world and I feared failure. In addition, my 16 year old daughter depended on him and I didn't think I could support her. I left him two months ago and am now working to resume a career I had given up to follow him cross country for his. The future looks brighter than ever and I, like you, now know that I will never again be treated that way. I love my husband, I know that God put us together for a purpose but I also know that, unless he gets some serious professional help, he will never change. It's up to him to seek it. Whether he does or not will not stop me from being happy and enjoying the rest of my life. In the meantime, my husband has lost the respect of his children, his ex-wife, his co-workers, our church and our friends. His violence landed him in jail once: he blamed me for it. His drinking cost him two marriages and I know that, the happier I become, the more miserable he is. God willing, he will seek help but I won't hold my breath. I recommend a fantastic book by Aimee K. Cassiday-Shaw: "Biblical Perspective on Family Abuse". I do pity my husband. I know most of his actions were guided by fear, pride, lack of self-esteem and lack of faith. I have to say that my daughter has been terrific all along and that I was blessed to have her. She now tells me how proud of me she is and that is priceless.

Likewise, i am very proud of you for finding the inner strength to leave D. In the end, you may remember him as the best thing that ever happened to you. That's how I see my own husband today and being able to forgive him (although I will not have any contact with him and won't forget what he did) has added to my peace of mine. I am a better person today than I ever was and my relationships with everyone have drastically improved. God bless you. Christine.

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Date: Thursday, October 03, 2002

S1

thank you. i needed to read this. it's just the beginning step to leaving my husband, and for some reason i just "can't". i don't know the reason why. although he hasn't given me bloody noses, etc. he has pushed and shoved me around and put me down. this is abuse, right? i feel trapped. so thanks for the wisdom.

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Date: Monday, January 27, 2003

S1

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Date: Wednesday, April 02, 2003

S1

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Date: Sunday, June 08, 2003

S1

I think you stayed with him too long, now you will always have an emotional bruise. I am proud you got the courage to leave. god bless you.

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Date: Wednesday, June 11, 2003

S1

Stimpy, would you contact me for a book im writing on women moving from abuse to self love and awareness? paulaskye@hotmail.com

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Date: Thursday, June 12, 2003

S1

Stimpy, I am just glad you recognized that you were dwindling your self-worth by being with this guy. It doesn't matter how covert the abuse it the result tends to be the same. No self-esteem. You did learn and you still are learning. Good for you, we are ALL on your side. Be strong, get your heart back and protect it once again. sage

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Date: Thursday, June 12, 2003

S1

Wow - I have a comment. Thank you so much for telling us your story. I've been in an abusive relationship for 6 months. My family and friends are encouraging me to walk away. When I read what you had to write about what happened to you. I was amazed how similiar my relationship is. My boyfriend calls, me idiot, retarded, stupid and he likes to tell me what to wear, doesn't like my family, and it goes on. I'm finding it hard to walk away, but reading your e-mail has really helped me out. I have that same exact feeling you had were your body is telling you NO. I also can relate to you feelings of not wanting to be alone. I pray that God will help me in my time of struggle. I also pray that God will open my boyfriends eyes and heart and let him see that he has a major problem. I love him, but I can't take the abuse anymore! thanks again.

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Date: Wednesday, June 25, 2003

S1

Funny how I am going thru the same thing and have been for seven years now. My husband has been physically and emotionally abusive to me and I havent left because I had no where to go. I envy you and know I"ll get to the point where I will ... one day ... be able to just walk away, and he can't convince me that he is sorry and "won't ever do it again" Because HE WILL and ALWAYS DOES. I'm sick of him and his lies and controlling behavior. I just want to get up the guts to walk away. I bought a cabin that is semi modernized in my own name and think I can now walk away, but for some reason, I'm afraid to. I have two boys from a previous marriage, ages 13 and 14 and they don't want to live that far up north. They could stay with their dad and come to me on the weekends, but don't think I could handle being away that much. So either I live in the abuse and be with my children and the one me and current husband have, or let my two older boys live with their dad and take my youngest son up north. How long did it take you to finally walk away? were you together a long time?

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Date: Wednesday, August 06, 2003

S1

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Date: Thursday, August 07, 2003

S1

I emailed with Dr. Irene awhile back, got kind of defensive because of her comments about the abuser being a victim too. But the reason I got defensive is because I'm a victim of my past, my childhood traumas which keep me in the role of a caretaker. I've since joined a web site (Gift From Within), found a therapist who works with post traumatic stress and childhood traumas and am getting stronger. I appreciate Dr. Irene and this site immensely. The owner of Gift From Within just recommended this site and I am getting reaquainted with it. It's great. I still have not left him. It's been 24 years. And I've been in another relationship for six or seven years. He is separated but has not divorced yet. We live together part of the time, as I try to separate completely from my husband. He thinks I am house sitting. I wanted to say to Stimpy that both of your writings are immensely important to me because you are hitting my situation right on the head. I KNOW in my head that my husband is mean to me, has hurt me terribly, has made my life hell. I KNOW in my head what is best for me, what I should do. But finding the personal power and energy to do it has seemed impossible. Stimpy, I was into self-mutilization too, in a mild way. I also abused some medications so that I could feel relaxed and sleep. I never got addicted. I could have. But I was too into pleasing my new "friend" and he would seem concerned whenever I'd buy wine. Now I just take an over the counter sleep aid. I want to tell you how courageous I think you are. You are an inspiration. I'm really sorry you got into another relationship that was less than healthy. Please don't feel hopeless. You were stronger already from the first one. The second one gave you even more insight into what you need and deserve. You will find the right partner and I hope it's while you can still have children. I am 48 and I waited too long. But I'm being kind to myself because I know that it's not my fault. I tried to be strong, tried to force myself to heal, couldn't on my own. Neither do I blame those who hurt me as a child. I just want to get better. I want to make the most of the life I have yet. I am very happy, Stimpy, that you are doing so well. I trust and expect that you will have a wonderful life now. I'm not saying it's easy. But you have made some good choices and decisions. That's why I expect it to get better for you. You have learned what is for your best, you are putting yourself first and taking care of yourself. Thanks so much for sharing. And, Dr. Irene, thank you for this site. I really appreciate you. I'm thankful Joyce Boaz, at Gift From Within, reacquainted us with your site.