How to get Dr. Irene's Advice: Look here!

Ask The Doc Board

The CatBox Archives

 

(Archives)

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for I'm Soooo Tired

Comments for I'm Soooo Tired....

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos  Copyrightę 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 19, 2000

S1

Okay, medications don't seem to work, I'm on them - after violent reactions to a great number of them and symptoms were than the situation now... Am attending individual counseling but it will soon end, and how can any medications restore motivation when there is such constant pressure and life is such a roller coaster ride? Diane They help most people, but can't fix everything. You need to take care of the stress in your life...

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 19, 2000

S1

People may get tired of dealing with having to make your decisions for you. Take Doc's advice and get into therapy as soon as possible. You can make it through each day one at a time. One hour at a time.

Your life and that of your children's is more important than a house or dogs.

Get out and get serious help soon.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 19, 2000

S1

Dear Diane,

I would never leave my dogs and cats behind, either. That would just hurt you more. The sacrifice is too great. In some cities domestic violence programs have recognized women often stay because there is no place to bring their pets in an emergency. State-of-the-art programs have a place for animals. In my town, the SPCA holds pets for battered women until they can reclaim them. Unfortunately, not all cities are so progressive. Anyone who says forget your dogs is discounting your love/bond with them. Try making calls to your local humane society, your vet, kennels, KEEP LOOKING! I have nine cats and three dogs. It makes it harder, but I would suffer more if I gave them up.

Whenever I feel as dead-tired as you're feeling now, I do one little thing a day. I celebrate the one thing I did. To get started on a task, I tell myself I only have to do something for 20 minutes, then do nothing for an hour. The next hour I'll work another 20 minutes. Pretty soon you'll find yourself picking up steam. But, if that's all you can do, don't beat yourself up! (I also had a very bad reaction to the medication.) Keep reading stuff on this site, it helps. Let us know how you're doing. Be kind to yourself. Sis

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 19, 2000

S1

Diane - I hear you. Especially with the part about the charm he exudes in public and in counseling. If you read this site, it does say that many verbal abusers can snow even the most experienced therapist. I think my husband is doing that; we'll see. I do know for sure that you have to do something. People will tire of your depression and self-pity and you will feel worse. I volunteer a great deal and get a lot out of my feeling of doing something to help others. When you are busy you do have less time to concentrate on what he is doing to hurt you. Definitely get therapy and try not to "engage" with him. Get busy, even if its a part time thing.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 19, 2000

S1

I, too have been where you are. When I reached an emotional bottom with it and realized I did have a choice-I choose to go to ALANON, get individual counseling, and get my own life while still staying in my relationship. (He does not know I'm doing any of this.) I kept the focus on me and did not, by any means, engage the abuser, even if it meant walking away. At one point, I even said I was not staying home (for an afternoon) and let him pick on me, I was going shopping. 

My ALANON sponsor says at this point, I have to pick my battles. Good advice. I started building a new network of support. I was asked to help out (which turned into a part time job) at a local knitting store, which, by the way, is my hobby. I see it as another area of my life opening up and another source of friendship and support. At my full time position, I was re-orged into a better position. At one of my sessions, my counselor, asked me to read a book which deals with being and staying in the victim's role. - meaning I could find any excuse not to get off my butt and do something for myself yet still complain about my situation and my abuser and have people feel sorry for me. I realized I had been doing that and do not want to continue playing that role. (I had even thought about suicide.) 

As a result, I have found that when I began to change myself, he changed (for the better). Yippeee! I don't intend to stop now - I feel better, I can be on my own, I'm a terrific person becoming! While I am not yet at the point of laying it all on the line, I know that when and if I do, I will be OK! Do something positive - for yourself - take it 1 minute at a time, if need be. Yes!

Once I started doing something for myself, over time (a short time as I look back) I felt better and positive things started to happen. I needed to break the codependent cycle. It didn't come by any means overnight and I still have setbacks. It took a long road to get into the valley, it will take a long one to get back out. Half measures avail us nothing. External things are far from perfect but are improving, but oh my insides are so much better. Don't give up yet. Don't stop 5 minutes before the miracle happens. jr

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 19, 2000

S1

Diane,

Let me remind you of a word you haven't thought about much lately...

YOU!

You must think about YOU. It is absolutely essential to get help for YOURSELF. You need to be motivated, so that you can gain INDEPENDENCE and get the heck out of there. This is about survival now, and your pets' needs might have to be lower down on the list. You even have to think of YOURSELF before your children, for without your strength and self belief, you won't have the motivation to help the kids, the dogs or yourself. The bottom line is that you REALLY need to get away from this man, because this is crazy-making at its best, and if you don't think you CAN, you won't. Let's get your self-esteem back in order so you have the POWER to make decisions and take action. Start reading books, go to the library (it's free), stay on this site, continue therapy as long as you can, work on building your confidence, keep the legal boundaries between you and him as you might need them while you become YOU again. You can do whatever you want if you have strong enough DETERMINATION. Now is the time to ASK other people for help. You'll be surprised about what you can get if you ask. YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS!!

Good luck, LHW :)

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 24, 2000

S1

Let's see- You want to have your pets, live where you please, have total financial support and can't work. "Could not move or walk"....? Come ON! Don't you see what's wrong with this picture? Treat your depression, get a job, build up some self esteem. Ma'am, people died in the Holocaust, and others survived. They continue on with the hard work of life. You seem depressed because things aren't on a silver platter for you. You CAN do some things, (obviously use a computer, for example). Don't set up impossible expectations, then wallow in depression. Be an example to those kids. The "violence" sounds like an isolated incident, but the insidious controlling is an issue- for you BOTH! He won't change, you will have to do the changing. :)

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 26, 2000

S1

Hi Diane,

First of all, I understanding how attached you are to the dogs. Isn't there a friend or family member anywhere who could take them for you while you get on your feet? Even if they don't understand why you're leaving such a "great" man, ask them to do it for you out of your friendship.

Now that your dogs are taken care of, Get OUT. Now. Out out out. You are worth it. Your kids are worth it.

*He* is wrong, not you. Do not put aside your feelings and your thoughts. He is WRONG. You are right.

If you don't have the money for therapy or meds, try picking up a copy of "Feeling Good". I can't remember who wrote it, but any bookstore should have it. It's a cognitive behavioral therapy method that worked really well for me and keeps me out of depression still.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 27, 2000

S1

Feeling Good is by David Burns. He has several other great books, too. I have found his books to be very helpful. I agree. Dr. Irene

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 29, 2000

S1

I am in similar situation; am taking medication for depression and considering separation but like you have no where to go and not enough money.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 29, 2000

S1

I am so sad reading this, because I am in a verbally abusive situation, and I am not yet out of this house, but read what YOU have been tolerating due to his financial upper hand and it is despicable! I hope you can get out SOON and dump this loser! Good Luck!

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 02, 2000

S1

The Bible says, "The STEPS of a good man (or woman) are ordered of the Lord." I don't know if you believe the Bible or not, but the truth there is that God guides those who ARE IN MOTION TRYING TO GET SOME PLACE. If you are just sitting still waiting for something to miraculously happen, nothing will. But the moment you get in motion and start moving towards a goal, no matter how tiny, it is amazing how doors will open up before you and resources will appear. The key is to take action! Begin! Very, very true... You have taken one small step by sharing your story on this board and by reaching out to others. Don't stop there, but continue moving in the direction of change. A journey of one thousand miles begins with ONE STEP. So does a new life. All the best to you! AMF

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 09, 2000

S1

THE VERY FIRST SYMPTOM OF VERBAL ABUSE IS THE DISCREDITING YOUR FEELINGS OR INPUT, THEN PRETTY SOON YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN SAY NOTHING RIGHT, THAT WAS WHAT I HAD WITH MY EX!! I KNOW THAT IT IS HARD TO LIVE ON YOUR OWN AFTER BEING WITH SOMEONE FOR SO LONG, BUT I DID IT. WHEN HE WAS NOT AT THE HOUSE FOR 1 WEEK, I PACKED UP SOME OF MY STUFF AND SHIPPED IT TO MY PARENTS HOUSE AND THEN WHEN HE CAME HOME I SAID, "I AM LEAVING." HE SNEERED AT ME "LEAVING, HUH? WITH WHAT THE CLOTHES ON YOUR BACK?" AND HE REALLY MEANT IT, SO THE POINT IS IS TO PLAN YOUR "ESCAPE" LITTLE BY LITTLE , IT WILL GIVE YOU COURAGE! TRUST ME YOU WILL FEEL SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER AFTER YOU ARE AWAY FROM HIM. IT WILL BE LIKE ANOTHER WORLD! I FEEL IT! AND IT IS FANTASTIC! GOOD LUCK! Read Tips for Leaving Your Abuser.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 17, 2000

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 20, 2000

S1

God bless you Diane. Much of what you say strikes and awfully familiar tone to me. Read the book The "The Verbally Abusive Relationship ". Take it with you to counseling Quote from it if you must please make it clearly understood how threatened and vulnerable you feel because your feelings are so very important.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, May 21, 2000

S1

Call Genesis Women's Shelter, Where is it? A phone number? Link?

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, June 02, 2000

S1

Diane here...I've read the advice posted...seems the general census if that I should get out and move on. I've thought about that a lot, trying to decide what my best option might be. My husband and I have decided to go for marriage counseling and see where that leads to and decide if we can work things out or not. Please make sure your therapist is familiar with abuse.

Of course he is anxious to resume the marriage, however we are still separated, and taking things one step at a time. He still has to go to trial for assaulting me, something the police and the courts decided, and I had no control over. I have been subpoenaed as a witness against him by the prosecuting attorney, which means I will have to go all thro' my story and then be cross-examined by his lawyer. It is not going to be an easy thing to go thro' and only time will tell if our marriage can weather the storms. 

After 19 years of marriage, there are a lot of issues to deal with, as well as a lot put into the marriage. I need to see changes on his part, and he is making some...but I know it will take time. I have already told him in no uncertain terms that he needs to change and things must continue to improve in our relationship, and big thing, I will never put up with his abuse again, or the marriage will be over, and I will do whatever it takes to end it and get my kids away from the whole situation. Good! Never, ever put up with abuse!

As for going out to work, I am looking at possible options that I might be able to do, but it's not just a matter of 'getting off my ass' and doing something. Depression was and is only a small part in my health problems..... I suffer with osteo-arthritis in various areas, have degenerative disc disease in my back, and neck, get back spasms and my back goes out on me to the point where I can hardly walk; I live in constant pain which has worsened due to the stress in my life, and suffer with fibromyalgia, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, migraines, and a variety of other problems that prevent me from doing most jobs. I can't help but think that your poor health is associated with your abuse...

Yes, I can use the computer, but no I am not an expert at it... courses cost money, babysitters cost money, etc. so everything is not as easy as many of you make it out to be. Nobody said it was easy; if it was easy, you would have already left.  

I participate in one of the support groups on the list Good!, and I certainly find the support & caring and advice has been helpful, along with joining a support group at my local women's violence center, and the counseling there. Good! 

As for medications, my family doctor feels what I am taking is good enough, and doesn't want to change things because of the stress in my life, and the reactions I had to many other medications, so I have just increased the one I'm taking, and hope it helps. Your doc knows you best. So, I am taking "little" steps, and doing my best to look ahead be it with my husband or not. That is excellent. That's all you need do. 

As I said there is a lot to deal with in this situation, and we are working at things, just not sure if and when things might get resolved or taken care of. Thanks for such a great site Dr. Irene....I still have a long way to go, and I am seeing the doctor, a counselor and going for marriage counseling, along with various support groups, and learning about anger management, and assertiveness.....the assertiveness part is something I really need if I can learn something from it. You can! God Bless all who posted, and thanks again for caring enough to do so. Thank you for caring enough to respond to us. God bless you too...

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 30, 2000

S1

I would support you in getting the treatment you need and leaving this marriage as soon as you can. He doesn't sound like he intends to do anything other than what he wants to do. He even twists reality to accomplish his goals (him lying about you hitting him first, self-defense and all that). When you are back together he may become more abusive when the chaos slows down and he no longer feels the abandonment of your threatening to leave. When he feels safer he will likely become more abusive. Take care of yourself first! Sandra

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, July 14, 2001

S1

Diane, please get out of there before your soul is devoured, you are your own person and NOBODY can take that away from you, and as far as a job you can do anything Babysit and put money away, there are alot of elderly people that could use help and may be willing to pay you. And then slowly take your most personel

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 15, 2001

S1

Diane, From the earlier post I had to clear out fast, anyway I understand how you feel, and I feel the same sometimes, I got a small tape recorder and everytime he started on me I would somehow go turn it on it was very riskey though, but I taped him screaming at me and played it back when he wasn't around and when you listen to it later it's like why do they treat you this way and opens your eyes to how he speaks to you. To think the kids hear all this what are they learning the same things? so I just went back to work full-time and I am taking my most valued things out of the house and to my mom's (pictures, jewelry, ss#, birth records,any important papers bills that you pay in your name, kids stuff they really like, clothes, any keepsakes antiques) make up stuff when you get it out like it broke or the kids must have lost it.,you sold it. etc. what ever you need later you can get at a garage sale they are a dime a dozen then store money away and plan your escape I am. It may take me a while but I will get out when I get strong. Just a thought, too bad there is not a commune for women like us a big house where we all could live together and help and protect each other. Somewhere out in the country where we could have a garden and flowers and a nice heated swimming pool. And toys for the kids, well I could go on and on and dream but that is what helps me stay sane. Don't lose your soul diane and just because we have been married 2 times doesn't make us unworthy we just pick the wrong men.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 21, 2001

S1

I just dumped a bitch, best thing ever. Actually, I should of done it a long time ago. I feared the process, meaning those ugly butterfly feelings, sleepless nights, can't eat syndrome, that most of us feel when we are on the verge of accepting this relationship, JUST ISN'T WORKING OUT!!! So perhaps, I stuck it out longer hoping it would go back like the first 3 months we had, all hot and steamy, only to find out she was playing someone else on the side. I forgave her after her crys and tears and begging......tried again, only to find out she got diagnosed of Lupus, and everyday she didn't feel good, moaned, wanting back messages......I did everything.....my chores and hers. Only to find out later it was discoid lupus and not the severe SLE type.....sighs, anyways.....the best thing is, run like hell and never look back. If you love someone and they treated you like crap, let it go......and if they come back Scream and call the cops.......very seldom does a person change, unless they truely and sincerely want to change........not because someone is trying to force them to change.....they just become better con artists......Love isn't emotional or physical abuse like an everyday turmoil roller-coaster ride...sure we all have our ups and downs......and work them out.......but an abuser is so miserable they hate themselves, let alone be able to truely love someone else sincerely. Most are looking for an unpaid bill of love that can never be paid, because their definition of love is so shallow.......Get out.....mix with positive people, forget the dude, and don't bring up his name ......worst thing you can do to a person (enemy), is to be HAPPY......Just be so damn Happy and High on life......and your revenge will be sweet....abusers hate to see their victims happy! So smile, laugh and most of all be HAPPY!!!!!!!!

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 25, 2002

S1

Diane, I know exactly how you feel. The only difference is that I've been in my second marriage for only 2 years. We've been together for 5. Everything was great in the beginning. Little by little, my freedoms were constricted. I am in the process of looking for a different place to live for my girls and me. I have a cat that I am truly going to miss because I probably won't get to keep her, but when I weigh the importance of my sanity and bringing my girls up in a healthy environment, missing my cat is minor. I'll find a loving home for her. Just as I'll find a loving home, my own home, for my girls and me. With the option of having slumber parties for my oldest daughter, with the choice of having a friend of mine over to watch a movie if I choose. I'll even be able to get a haircut and buy ice cream when I feel like it-without having to hide it for fear of my husband's anger and control issues. I got myself on Zoloft, and it made a tremendous difference. Keep your chin up, Diane, and don't give up on life. There's a lot of happiness out there to be had. It's up to you to go get it.

Tammi

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 25, 2002

S1

Diane, I know exactly how you feel. The only difference is that I've been in my second marriage for only 2 years. We've been together for 5. Everything was great in the beginning. Little by little, my freedoms were constricted. I am in the process of looking for a different place to live for my girls and me. I have a cat that I am truly going to miss because I probably won't get to keep her, but when I weigh the importance of my sanity and bringing my girls up in a healthy environment, missing my cat is minor. I'll find a loving home for her. Just as I'll find a loving home, my own home, for my girls and me. With the option of having slumber parties for my oldest daughter, with the choice of having a friend of mine over to watch a movie if I choose. I'll even be able to get a haircut and buy ice cream when I feel like it-without having to hide it for fear of my husband's anger and control issues. I got myself on Zoloft, and it made a tremendous difference. Keep your chin up, Diane, and don't give up on life. There's a lot of happiness out there to be had. It's up to you to go get it.

Tammi

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 25, 2002

S1

Diane, I know exactly how you feel. The only difference is that I've been in my second marriage for only 2 years. We've been together for 5. Everything was great in the beginning. Little by little, my freedoms were constricted. I am in the process of looking for a different place to live for my girls and me. I have a cat that I am truly going to miss because I probably won't get to keep her, but when I weigh the importance of my sanity and bringing my girls up in a healthy environment, missing my cat is minor. I'll find a loving home for her. Just as I'll find a loving home, my own home, for my girls and me. With the option of having slumber parties for my oldest daughter, with the choice of having a friend of mine over to watch a movie if I choose. I'll even be able to get a haircut and buy ice cream when I feel like it-without having to hide it for fear of my husband's anger and control issues. I got myself on Zoloft, and it made a tremendous difference. Keep your chin up, Diane, and don't give up on life. There's a lot of happiness out there to be had. It's up to you to go get it.

Tammi

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 02, 2002

S1

You want it both ways you want the courts until they accuse you of assualt. What is fair for you is fair for him. You have forgotten or never knew the first issue. Who invented marriage and the family - God did in Genesis 3. What are the rules. "He shall rule over you" What is the main job of a wife. Help-meet. You are a whinnig worthless selfish traitorous lieing etc. Get back to the main idea of marriage, get the facts straight or give up like the worthless piece of trash you are. You are actually doing him the biggest favor he has ever done anyone in his life. Divorce him and set him free. Let him find someone who will make him happy and who he can love.