Comments for Monica
Courtesy of Dr. Irene
Matiatos, Copyright© 1999. The material on this website may be distributed
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B1: Submit
Date: 11/19/1999
S1
My situation was similar to yours. My husband and I were briefly separated and I had every intention of divorcing him. The day he moved out, I went a secured a divorce lawyer. He was a verbal abuser, and I had decided that I didn't want my two sons to grow up in a family like that. What brought me to the decision was my six-year old had overheard one of his dad's many, hour long, verbal attacks on me. The next day, my son asked me "Why doesn't daddy, like you?" That instant I decided that it was going to stop. When "John" moved out, we were drowning in debt,( another manipulative tactic) and he was forced to move in with his parents. One of which was, you guessed it, his verbally abusive father. John was also aware that his brother and sister had been sexually abused by dear old dad. John had maintained for years that his dysfunctional family life had not effected him, because he had not been sexually abused. Well, he had been effected, it's called survivor syndrome. Also, he learned very well, the fine art of verbal and mental abuse. When he was forced to see and observe father every evening, the lights started coming on. One evening he confronted his father and told him what a sorry excuse for a father he was and how his devout selfishness had a devastating effect on the people he claimed to love the most. John moved back in with us in April and is totally aware of what my boundaries are what I will do if those boundaries are not respected. Oh, he slips up a bit, but it will never be as bad as it was- I won't allow it. I highly recommend Suzette Haden Elgin's book "You Can't Say That to Me". It gave me the ammunition I need to fight back effectively and simply laying the book out where he can see it helps him remember that place we never want to go to again. We are getting along better now than we ever have in our 12 year marriage. I keep waiting, expecting to wake up from a dream. I mean, what are the odds I could have the man I love and not have to deal with the abuse? Keep you ears and eyes open, and never let your spouse get away with any kind of abuse. Can he change? Only if he is brave enough, because finding out where the anger come from is a very scary place to go. Help him, be there if he needs a friend, but NEVER-NEVER-NEVER sacrifice your boundaries. If you do you are not being true to yourself and you are not helping him get better. Good Luck. Sherry
B1: Submit
Date: 11/19/1999
S1
congratulations! You're one step closer to the light, but don't count your chickens before they are hatched! I was where you are two years ago. My mistake...we stopped going to therapy because we thought we had a good handle on things. He moved back in and sure enough things started slipping back. Me as an enabler and he as a manipulator. My advice, don't stop therapy! Take all the time and energy you spent on him and the relationship and direct it towards you. Feel safe, secure and confident. Let him do his work. And beware of this warning sign: He tells you he's cured! Good Luck and enjoy Life!!!!!!
B1: Submit
Date: 11/19/1999
S1
Sounds too good to be true to me. You have a couple of options here, divorce him now and say if he really does change you'll remarry him. Put the divorce on hold but refuse to speak or see him for 6 months till you have done some more healing and are stronger to with stand becoming lured back into the same old thing. I just get the impression his is a wolf who has donned sheep's clothing. Such an about face makes me think he's just come up with another plan to get away with his bad behavior. I say...watch out big time....he thinks your just mad at him and is testing you to see if you are just blowing smoke like he does.
B1: Submit
Date: 12/19/1999
S1
Monica, the best way to tell is to wait PAST the time you or he thinks he is better. If you really want to know how he is doing...listen. Listen to how he feels about strong women role models in the movies or on TV. How does he act when you talk about his abusive behavior to him? Does he start to get upset when you don't accept some of the blame? I have gone through this scenario 4 times. We so badly want them to be ok, that we make them ok. After about 4 months they start to slip into the same old behavior. Watch Out! It isn't always better for your children to take him back. Take off the rose colored glasses before you see him again. Good luck!
B1: Submit
Date: 01/30/2000
S1
monica,
I think that you are really brave. it hurts to commit to recovery, even if it turns out well it is a huge hurdle to get over. my husband and i are separated and he still blames and accuses me for everything. my heart is so broken, but maybe this will be the easier road for me in the long run.
hold onto your boots and hang in there. i hope that you get the happy ending. :)
god bless you lee