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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

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Comments for J

Comments for J

Courtesy of J  and Dr. Irene Matiatos, 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the authors at  Doc@drirene.com.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 31, 2000

S1

Your words; take care of myself first, and to be very careful that I get what I deserve--those are words that I will remember for myself. You've really come a long way. Best wishes to you and Yolanda.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, June 02, 2000

S1

Folks- I just skimmed this story this afternoon, so I admit I may have missed something. To get right to the point, how did Yolanda get "right" enough to go back into a relationship with? Did she go to therapy? Is it all J's ability to set and maintain limits? In many places on this site I find it written that most situations do not work out this well, and it is usually wiser for the recipient to avoid any real contact with the perpetrator, and that the odds for reconciliation in situations like these are right up there with being struck by lightning. I guess I don't see it explained how Yolanda got so safe again. So OK. I'm very skeptical. Please tell me what I missed.

harlequin Yolanda went through Hell in her marriage. It took her a while, but she figured it out. Yes, Yolanda got some treatment. Meanwhile, J was getting stronger and stronger...  

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, June 16, 2000

S1

Oh J I have read your story and am shocked that you are marrying Yolanda... the Spanish are VERY emotional, and her ex husband will always be in the picture AND she is very manipulative and she is playing you right now...once you marry her, she will dump again -- as a matter of fact, she will continually flirt with other men (like she did at school) and she will dangle around with her ex also... You my friend are inside a very bad web and you will be twirled around like a tiny bug. The only reason you never want to be with another woman is because you only want to be with her. It's ok about the part when you said you wanted her dead, you were feeling your anger. I'm sure she treated you like a piece of dirt. That's what those kind of women do and they are VERY good at it... unfortunately she hooked you. You better get out while you can, my friend. You are some type of depression/excitement addict and this is why you are hooked to her.... you need to go for a regular librarian....i think you just want to show everyone that you "won the prize", unfortunately they are looking at you like one big sucker.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, June 19, 2000

S1

harlequin here-

The tone of the above post concerns me greatly. I grant that it may be partly true, but the manner in which it is stated appears to me to rob it of any effectiveness it may have had as an attempt to communicate. Agreed. Sounds like somebody is very angry. Somebody who knows them maybe?  What is said may or may not be true, but to make a sweeping generalization (ref. Ellis, Beck) about "the Spanish" -well, let's just say the tone of it speaks for itself. "VERY emotional" ? I beg to differ. Ever heard of the philosophers Jose Ortega y Gasset or Miguel de Unamuno? In my post above the one in between, I requested to know how Yolanda became transformed so suddenly into a marriageable person. Did she go to therapy? Yes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that some of the above post may be worthy of thought, if we can see through the flames. So I say again, I admit I am skeptical. I request that someone please tell me what I missed. Cross-cultural issues are very complex, especially if there is an overlaid diagnosis or set of very maladaptive behavior. But can we be a little less strident? Talk about your burnt offerings. Hope your computer didn't melt while you were writing that.

h

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, November 29, 2000

S1

11/28/00

Hi, Dr. Irene (& 'J' too):

I 'd heard about this site awhile back, but didn't stumble onto it until today - wowee, what an eye-opener!

Briefly, I'm in the recovery stage of a somewhat "J-&-Yolanda"-type relationship myself (level 3 or 4?), with a woman who I ALSO have this feeling is NOT out of my life for good, but one with whom I'm NOT going to have the kind of "happy ending" J & Yolanda appear to be headed for until (1) >>I<< finish the process J has completed (of owning ALL his feelings, etc. - that's a lot of WORK!); and (2) until MY "Yolanda" deals with HER issues as well (which she has shown little signs of doing now, merely retreating into a self-imposed shell). Due to her huge laundry list (the hairs on my neck stood straight up when I read your Beattie excerpt - it was a frighteningly-accurate listing of about 90% of MY lady's symptoms), though, it's probably going to take a couple of years before we get there.

All I want to add is my note of immense thanks that you have this site, and that it's so full of "bad stuff/good stuff" (problems + possible solutions that CAN work) for those of us who really need it!

AND much luck and continued growth to both J & Yolanda -- hell, if THEY can get through the accumulated life ca-ca that's trying to hold them back, then maybe there's hope for the rest of us!!!

Thanks again....... (& keep us posted!)

Vox-Man

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 02, 2000

S1

J-it still sounds like you're 'putting up 'with a lot-there ARE women out there that are full of good life and you wouldn't have to PUT UP, instead enjoy LIFE-I think you're still living in fantasy-I CAN FEEL IT IN YOU-you're pretending-I've been there done that and will probably be there again in my relationship-I keep forgiving, hope he's changing, and prepare myself for hurt again-and I am getting better at it! He's an alcoholic/addict so I have even more grounds for longer lists of excuses for this man's behavior but I'm to the point of asking myself" is it really his disease or is he just a D&*K" so give yourself more time to grow and heal before committing anymore of yourself to this YOLANDA-pray too! vjg

 

12/9/00 Got a Christmas card from J and Yolanda. They were married in June. Seem real happy; sound happy. Congratulations!!! Wish you guys the very, very best! Irene

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, December 24, 2000

S1

Congradulations J & Yolanda; It is great to hear that everything is working out between the two of you. So many times we hear about people throwing in the towel and calling it quits, but the two of you are proof that nothing is impossible. Good luck to you J. I have learned alot from your experiences and comments. I know that they will benefit me. Anytime I have problems I will think of you, your experiences and efforts to guide me; along with the help of Dr. Irene. Your friend. AC

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 26, 2000

S1

WOW, this brought tears

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 26, 2000

S1

I read some of the post. And seen so much anger. I believe many of us get so stuck in anger that we end up becoming abusive! Maybe Yolanda was stuck in anger and abused J as a result. Once past the anger she was able to be a better partner to J. Some people abuse because they were once victims them selves!

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 18, 2001

S1

Congratulations J! A new life that is so full of positive possibilities. If you ever return to this site, I'd like to know whether marriage enhanced the relationship i.e. does making marriage vows strengthen the bond and committment? or does it create complacence? B.O.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 24, 2001

S1

J,

Congratulations!!!

One thing that spring to mind is that some people on this site are very mixed up. WHY? well those who can't believe Yolanda could ever get fixed. WHY NOT? If she has gotten therapy and is in recovery. If no one here on this site thought there was a chance of any of us recovering and having a normal life why are we here?

I am not angry just shocked at the small minded people who don't realise if someone is sick they can get well. OKAY so we shouldn't be compliacent. And yes it is true some people may never get fixed, but this couple have healed themselves and sought therapy, and most of all taken PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for their side of the street.

I say HALLEILUAH!! And may God bless you for having such courage.

There are no guarantees in life but how boring if we never took the risk of being happy. It is healthy to know not every corner will be perfect but Yolanda and J will surely work through this, as Robert Burney says we are all on a path of growth and all need to be aware, but we must learn to enjoy life when things are smooth and to sit with things when they are challenging, this is how we grow. We work through things.

I think J's expectations are well on target and I also think he is an inspiration to ALL of us, whether we are Negative Empowered one (Like Yolanda was!!) or Negatively disempowered ones. (like J was!!)

I hope you both have a wonderful healthy, realistic Marriage, which I am sure you will since your so aware.

YIPPEEE!!! A man who saved himself.

Take care both of you, Theressa

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, March 13, 2001

S1

j i wish you the best. i have a question, do you have an escape hatch in place and just for you, if yolanda goes "yo yo" again? i would be so sorry to hear that the "old" yolanda resurfaced from nowhere. i read your letter all the way through and your experience was pretty traumatic. i would find it hard to trust yolanda.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, October 19, 2001

S1

I think J is a fool.