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(Archives)

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for Inconsiderate

Comments for Inconsiderate

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos  Copyrightę 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
 

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 13, 2000

S1

I would agree with Dr. Irene, he's probably brainwashed you into thinking you are a lot of things that in reality are not. If you actually are inconsiderate, it's not surprising after all you've been through. I am a recovering verbal abuser myself and even when a day or even a week goes by my wife still has a bitterness there and a resentment in what I've put her through. It will take time to heal, and much counseling. Maybe women that have been abused want a little revenge on their abusers. I'm sure that is a natural response. I just don't know what you should do about it. Just don't come down on yourself, you are a saint for still being with him, my wife would have been gone with the first blow. Tim

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 13, 2000

S1

Dear Kathleen,

Please also look into Adult Children of Alcoholics. This very inexpensive 12-Step program can provide wonderful support for ANYONE who grew up in a dysfunctional family. They will show you that you are NOT ALONE, and help you address your codependency issues, provide some good role models of recovery, and help you find the love for yourself that you deserve to have.

Best wishes, Gayla

 

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 13, 2000

S1

Kathleen,

I, too, grew up in a dysfunctional family. At 36, I am just now really learning to really take care of myself. It is like learning how to walk for the first time.

Perhaps the most important thing I've learned thus far is that it is never inconsiderate to look after the best interests of yourself and your children.

Anyone who wants you to believe otherwise deserves no place in your life.

Please read Pia Mellody's books (e.g., Facing Codependence - What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives ) and don't feel bad for looking after yourself. And, review Dr. Irene's site to bolster yourself when you need some affirmation. There is a lot of good information here.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, May 14, 2000

S1

Kathleen, Follow Dr. Irene's advice exactly. Read, read and read some more and when you are sick of that don't quit. Find a support group, you MUST have other people to talk to. The more you educate yourself about co-dependency the closer you will be to healing. Your responsibility as a parent outweighs your need for continued abuse or their lives will be a carbon copy of yours. "Been there done it" for years now and every day the struggle lessons. You can be win, your children can be whole. I wish you the best. Ginny

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, May 14, 2000

S1

About "why you are inconsiderate": today he will say you are inconsiderate, tomorrow or whenever that put-down stops having an effect, it will be something else, i.e. suddenly you are too lazy, too hyper, too ------; fill in the blank with whatever would bother you the most! Find support. Good luck with finding a therapist who knows about verbal abuse; maybe the fact that you have suffered physical abuse in the past will help them see what its about.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 15, 2000

S1

I'm not sure what you mean by inconsiderate? Is he calling you inconsiderate and selfish? Abusers tell their victims that all the time. And, codependents believe it because we are always questioning our behaviors. Do you mean you are inconsiderate with other people, like short tempered? That could be from stress. Too much stress can turn the nicest person into a monster, and you are under tremendous stress. I hope you will take into serious consideration all the suggestions from Dr Irene and others who have replied. Be extra kind to yourself.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 15, 2000

S1

Dear Kathleen:

I had to reprint this:

"He got her upstairs, woke her up and proceeded to scream at her telling her about the beating she was going to get. A fully potty trained little girl, she peed in her pants after being woke up from a sound sleep to this. He then beat her with his belt buckle so bad he left bruises and the neighbor even banged on the door saying she was going to call the police. I sit here now sick from the memory. Why I haven't driven off a cliff by now, I don't know."

Kathleen, You haven't driven off a cliff because then who would your daughter and children have to protect them?

Kathleen, I am sick to my stomach from reading this. You are definitely suffering from battered wife syndrome, which is why even in the worse of circumstances you could not run and yet still have feelings for him. Your husband is a sick monster. My advice? Take hold of God's hand and leave and never ever look back. God bless your heart....my prayers go out to you.

Signed: Waiting for the moment to be free

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 16, 2000

S1

I feel for your icky situation...but my heart really goes out to the little girl who was so verbally abuses she peed in her pants. Let me tell you the kid knows the score. I know because I once knew a little boy who's daddy used to beat him up and his mother as well. Out of the mouth of babes a little 3 year old boy explained to me what's it's like to experience that.

He told me that bad daddy goes boom boom and he would punch the pillow but tell it was really so an so. He also told me that mommy can't protect him from daddy cause she gets hit too and then she cries a lot because of her boo boo's. He used to make superhero costumes for himself.......superman was his favorite...because nobody beats up the man of steel. He insisted on wearing a paper cut out of the superman S that he pinned on his shirt everyday. I used to make them with him. And he made a cape out of everything and anything. The mother did eventually throw her husband out after everyone got on her case big time about it and they moved away, so I don't know what ever happened to that little boy.

From this I learned that kids know more than you think they do...actually he had better sense than his mother or father did. I hope the little boy is now happy and safe and feels his mother can protect him now.

I know you feel bad and guilty about not intervening when that happened. I think sometimes in life when we know the right thing to do and we don't do it...it haunts us for the rest of our lives....especially where are children are concerned.

That story really made me livid....I felt like taking a belt buckle to Bob after I read that.

I'm sitting her shaking my head. No one provides education on marriage and childrearing that is mandated. I think that's ridiculous...after all you have to do more preparation for getting a drivers license. In my opinion it's a free for all...if you happen to be lucky you will be born to good parents who will teach you good parenting skills and hopefully they will have a happy marriage...and can teach you that too. Other wise you're on your own. Scary......very scary....and sad.

I hope for your sake you leave him and make a better life for yourself. You're smart enough to know how to use a computer, and you were able to research and find this site. You were smart enough to call the cops of him...therefore you are smart enough to get ride of him and survive on your own. And I think you will be pleasantly surprised that you will also thrive emotionally since you don't have to put up with his verbal venom anymore. I know it and you know it...you can make a better life for yourself than what you have now.

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 16, 2000

S1

Kathleen: It just may not be meant for you to forget these situations. You may force the specifics of occurrences from the past but your emotions; your heart remembers and associates every interaction you have with this man, good or bad. When you are this lost and unsure of life choices is when the really hard decisions that are the essence of your true courage and strength loom overhead. The answer is there within you, you know what it is. You are on the verge of making it you just need to muster the courage to face the decision and what it is going to take. You have the foresight of being on your own from before so you know what you are in store for and you know that you can do it. Just find it within you to forgive yourself for staying as long as you have and accept that you tried but you couldn't make it work by yourself. Your children need to see you love yourself enough to accept the mistake, forgive yourself for it, and move on. That's the most important lesson that you can do for helping heal their wounds and teaching them self-esteem. God bless you and yours.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 20, 2000

S1

I just read your story, & like so many of us other abused women out there, can completely relate to everything you've said & felt. Why we continue to put up with the abuse is a mystery. I don't think experts know why or for that matter that anyone knows except maybe God. You ask the question "why are you so inconsiderate". I ask myself that all the time. I think I've just become a by-product of his abuse. It's left me with such feelings as you yourself must be feeling. When you say there are good times, there certainly are. Abusers are probably some of the nicest, most charming, fun people to be around. But when their other side emerges, it's like being in hell, literally. I've been with my abuser for nearly 20 years & cannot believe that I'm still in the relationship. I go back & forth between love (which I don't think it is anymore) & hate all the time. Now, I think I live in perpetual depression & anger. He's driven me to become what he is. He's created in me, what his father created in him. Fortunately for me, I don't have children. I shudder to think what that might have been like. I pray for all us abused women out there. I pray for the abuse & hurt to end. I never ever thought when I was growing up that I'd end up like this. My mother was an alcoholic & we lived in chaos all the time. I guess by marrying my abuser, I, in a sense, married my mother & continued with that chaos. I'll never understand why I let it happen. Good luck & I'll pray for you.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, June 07, 2000

S1

hi I left a verbal abusive marriage of 24 yrs. I deal still with some of the abuse because he works for my father's company.. and they need him. my parents were not supportive during my divorce and in fact think i should not have left him. I live 1500 miles away now. when i go for visits to see family and friends i am still confronted with all the dysfuntion in this family. can you tell me how to cope and not allow this to effect my life now. many thanks

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, September 01, 2001

S1

Hi Kathleen...my husband told me something the other day that no-one in my whole life has accussed me of. I'm mean. I have a mean tilt to my jaw and a mean line to my mouth....OK...what he doesn't account for is that's the way I'm looking after he yelled at me or said something nasty. So, I'm emotionally busy being angry inside and it shows on my face. I've been "provoked" and he finds that mean. I guess that by my husbands standards that's "inconsiderate". I find telling me that another form of verbal abuse to attempt to drain my self-esteem. Your not inconsiderate, quite the opposite. I think all of us have been to "considerate".

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 13, 2001

S1

What do you mean he wouldn't allow you to go out of state to fight the custody battle?

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, March 23, 2002

S1

THIS IS NOT REGARDS TO WHAT I JUST READ.MY NAME IS ASHLEY I'M 15 YEARS OLD.IN JAN.OF 2002. I HAD TO MOVE OUT OF MY HOMEBECAUSE OF A LOT OF PROBLEMS I WAS HAVING WITH MY FAMILY. ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO ON MARCH 8 AT 2:40 MY OLDEST BROTHER SCOTT WAS KILLED PULLING OUT OF MACDONLADS HE WAS T-BONED BY AN SUV IN A HONDA CIVIC SNAPED HIS NECK ON IMPACT.HE WAS 17 YEARS OLDHAD TWO KIDS AUSTIN AND SAVANA CLARK.NOT EVEN 12 DAYS AFTER THE FACT MY LITTLE BROTHER TODD WAS MALD BY A PACK OF DOGS STEPING OFF HIS BIKE HE HAD OVER 80 PUNCTURE WONDS HE HAD 25 STICHES IN THE TOP OF HIS CALF.AND THATS NOT ALL YESTARDAYTHE GUY THAT WAS HELPING MY LITTLE BROTHER STOLE 887$ THAT WAS FOR SCOTTS EURN RIGHT OUT OF MY MOMS PURSEWHILE SHE WAS SLEPPING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I WRITING THIS HERE BUT I JUST HAD TO GET IT OUT BUT FOR I GO MAD AND JUST START DOING THINGS THAT I WOULDN'T NORMALY DO .