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(Archives)

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for Geri

Comments for Geri

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos  Copyrightę 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

 

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, July 19, 2000

S1

I found the comments on testosterone interesting. There is a book called The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Dr. Theresa Crenshaw. It explains almost all the emotions of men and women as being chemically based. It is not a particularly spiritual book but the author definitely has a unique point of view. We are, after all, a bunch of chemicals... I am so happy to hear about your burst of creativity arising from the OA meetings. I, too, have been involved in more than one abusive relationship and I want to switch my behaviors into self-nurturing ones. I think I will call up OA. OA if you have an eating disorder. All the 12-Step groups basically work the same. Just pick the one with your most obvious problem.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, July 19, 2000

S1

Yeah Geri- good for you. I'm just getting there myself -after 35 years -I'm finally getting it together-maybe one day I'll tell my story...I'm still in therapy with a great Dr. and I have to say my life is TURNING around for the best. I am still with my man-we love each other and are finding what magic respect can bring to our relationship. The baggage of verbal abuse gets heavier every year - Again -good for you!!! I wish you happiness and the all the love that you want and deserve! best wishes-paula at pcarson7@juno.com

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, July 20, 2000

S1

Thanks for your supportive comments! It's not easy talking about how I can be abusive, but the reality of it is that anyone who's been a victim of abuse can easily turn into one, with all that modeling. I'm grateful for this safe place to express my journey. It seems that this is the heart of a lot of my eating disorder and addiction issues. It's great to be ready to tackle these issues.

Hugs to all.. Geri

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, July 20, 2000

S1

Geri- It's nice to know that the ways of dealing with subtle manipulations are so easy, when before they seemed so elusive. Imagine, walking out of the room, rather then engaging in self-defense...slightly turning away, rather than catering to the one with bad temper... saying this "is so not me," rather than trying to talk the controller into change... It's also amazing when someone is angry, ranting and trying to push your buttons, when you are able to just simply be silent and stare at them in response...it's amazing because, the person can only argue with themselves for so long...eventually they run out of fuel Thanks Geri, and good luck ~~Niles Blue

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, July 20, 2000

S1

Geri, I think you are wonderful! And so very talented. I have two questions for you: 1. Do you work out your issues through your music? I think you write your own lyrics??? 2. How was your husband abusive? Thanks so much. Renee

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, July 21, 2000

S1

Renee, Thanks for your kind comments. I'd like to answer your two questions. I write my own lyrics and have been so grateful that I can express everything that touches my life in them. Usually my songs start out from a painful experience that I'm trying to get in touch with my feelings over. Interestingly, once the song is started I'm able to see the lesson in it and turn it around to a happy personal ending. I heard the expression once to "not waste your sorrows" and I think my songs give me a chance to do just that. My painful times don't feel like their a waste when I can turn them around and help others. So many have helped me and I want to give back to that process. 

You asked me how my husband was abusive - without telling his story - I can say that we had the classic roles of hero and victim from when we started our relationship 17 years ago. He came to my rescue - the abused single mom of two small sons with no job, money or education. (My ex-husband had left me for someone else and this had taken me completely by surprise. My oldest son had severe asthma so I was at home with him full time. My first husband was full out physically and verbally abusive with me for 12 years.) Over the years the price I paid of being the rescued victim was the subtle control of my new husband. He is much younger and yet sometimes seemed wiser, so I would put his demands or ideas first. After a few years this no longer worked as I got my footing and so the power struggle started. 

My Mom fell into this category too. The people I loved the most were always trying to control me, and in my poor self esteem I would let them. A time came when in therapy I recognized that my depression and eating disorders were driven by my own lack of choice and power. To my wonderful husband's credit, as soon as we became aware of this dynamic he stopped cold. I also had to recognize when I was falling into the "take care of me" stance. It's taken some time to figure out, but now that I'm aware, as is my husband, our quality of friendship and life is a miracle. My motto is to never give up until I understand what is going on in life - especially all of the relationship issues. Thanks for listening. Blessings and hugs...Geri  Good stuff!

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, July 21, 2000

S1

Hi Geri, So glad to be able to tell you that your music is a lifesaver. When feelings get to be overwhelming your music helps me sit with them and try not to be afraid of feeling what I have to, to get to the other side. I am dealing with old abuse issues from my family of origin sexual, physical, emotional and verbal, as well as covert verbal abuse from my husband. Your journey inspires me that I can make it to the other side and walk through the fire to get to it. I wish you continued recovery. God Bless & Safe Hugs

With love, Sue : )

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, July 24, 2000

S1

Hi Sue, Thank you for your wonderfully encouraging comments about my music. When I was writing each song I was going through a time in my life when I was discovering how abused I was and sad. I wrote as a way to free myself and it worked. The music helped me to go to a safe place when listening to the tapes of each song as we were recording it. The music helped me survive. Just getting your comments makes the four years of doing the cd worth every effort and penny. This is my true reward!

Keep in touch - love.. Geri

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, July 24, 2000

S1

Hi Irene, I just wanted to add that we did an impromptu video of the song Courage, and it is posted on my homepage. My hubby and I started at 4pm Saturday afternoon and had it up on my site by 11pm! It was fun and is amateurish but I hope it will convey hope to others.

Blessings and hugs... Geri

http://www.geri.net

 B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 25, 2000

S1

Hey, Geri-GOOD FOR YOU!!! *smiles* I am just now ( after many years of healing and recovery) discovering the same thing as you- my resentment and my "running" are intimately entwined! What a shock, after so many years, to "see" that I CAN stop the cycling that held me fast to the same destructive patterns, month after month. I am now ( at last!) letting go of my guilt, at getting GOOD things for myself, and of the resentment this caused towards others. I am finally realizing that this is MY life, no one else's, and that what I do with it, and what I think of it, is what matters most. I love my life- and that is a good feeling! I have plans for the first time in my life- and a supportive, loving significant other, who supports me for all the right reasons? Gosh- who would've thought it...*grin* I have heard your music before- and visited your website. Funny, isn't it, how people show up in all the right places, cuz I visited your website long before I saw this here on Dr. I's site...Bless you, Girl!! Peace-Dawn

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, July 26, 2000

S1

Hi Geri, About the PMS, I recommend finding out about your hormones - you might benefit from applications of natural progesterone... see Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom by Dr. Christiane Northrup and What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause by Lee, Hanley and Hopkins. Having your hormones out of balance can really affect your mood - and vice-versa.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, July 26, 2000

S1

Thanks Dawn! You put even more light on the subject! I think figuring out this problem has totally turned my life around too and finally I have the peace that I've longed for. Not to mention that I can finally accept my life as it is and enjoy all the good things.

I wanted to add that I finally went to a doc to deal with being menopausal and he said I had started the change. This can explain things too and I've started with hormone replacement therapy. Ah the joys of being a woman. I think trying to figure out what are physical problems or character defects is the key. It's time to not beat myself up so much and start understanding these differences.

Onward and upward! Love...Geri

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 10, 2000

S1

Rock on Geri....

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 10, 2000

S1

Rock on Geri....

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 31, 2000

S1

Hello I never really heard of you. I am a 17 yr old student at Jeffersontown high school, in the 111th grade! I am sorry for what you had to go through. i am doing a report on spouse abuse and your story was very sad and interesting i am soo glad you had recoverd from it many woman don't. I had to watch the Tracy Thurman story and that was very had. I am so glad things worked out for you I will keep you in my prayers! COrtney Frederick

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 31, 2000

S1

Hello I never really heard of you. I am a 17 yr old student at Jeffersontown high school, in the 111th grade! I am sorry for what you had to go through. i am doing a report on spouse abuse and your story was very sad and interesting i am soo glad you had recoverd from it many woman don't. I had to watch the Tracy Thurman story and that was very had. I am so glad things worked out for you I will keep you in my prayers! COrtney Frederick

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, December 17, 2000

S1

hello Geri, I am inspired by your story as I am a codependant in a marriage that is suffering from my husband's abuse issues. I try to be patient and understanding, but get frustrated sometimes and say things to him that hurt. We have been married 28 years have two wonderful grown married daughers and I feel this time is for us now, but at a standstill with intimacy. I don't trust that psychologists are very well trained in delicate matters as intimacy and I think my spouse is shy, too. What to do. He is in AA and doing wonderfully and I follow a step program, also in alanon. We are both very sensitive loving people that feel cheated out of what could be a more rewarding long life together. To add to our situation his 50 yr old sister is quite the burden by not being responsible with her finances and always alway asking for help, if not from us then she goes to her parents that further infuriates my husband, but he doesn't let on to her for fear that she will "end " her life but once again in her manipulative ways. I have researched a little about prosurvivors and want to know more so I don't further damage our fragile realtionship. I love him so, but don't know how best to quide him, if in fact I should at all. You sound like you've done alot of work yourself, good for you, I am thinking of ordering your cd, but I don't want to offend my husband in anyway.. You see how cautious I am with him???? Well, thanks for listening.. wife of the sweetest man I know......

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 11, 2001

S1

Hello Geri

I sure can feel what you have gone through. Not Good!! How can you expect to learn good and important things, when you live in constant fear, day in and day out?

I am not sure about the victim status, there are predators out there who love to intimidate the vulnerable. I call them Modern day Hitlers!! That's exactly what they are!

There have always been, and there always will be, because they are power drunk... I know! I've been there, twice.

Do what is best for you.

Who are these people, telling you what is best for you? They sound like a waste of time... I have had so called people tell me what I should do - Nothing but rubbish... because they were jealous of my success and they wanted to see me fail my flourishing business that I worked so hard to get off the ground!

Don't waste your time with these scalawags.

I hope you find the solution to your situations.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 07, 2002

S1

Geri I live with an incest victim. Our marriage has been in trouble for the 31 years we've been together. I don't understand why my wife would continue to keep a happy, normal ralationship with her parents and celebrate with them on their anniversaries while our marriage is suffering because of the abuse she under went.

I believe that she tries to do her best with trying to keep our marriage together: however, she communicates resentment towards what I represent because I am a male and have the same physical attributes and even desires they had but in a different context. Thsi is truly a confusing mess, one in which me, as a partner, has very little control over. Thanks

Joe jallm@gte.net