Comments for But, What About My Son?
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I am so happy for you! Be proud and joyful as Dr. Irene says. You really deserve it! I am sorry for your sons choice, but maybe one day he'll see the light. I am happy your daughter is on your side, because that means she is already more equipped than you were to face abusers with dignity and self respect. Good luck and I wish you a happy marriage.
GO AHEAD AND TELL THEM. AND THEN BELIEVE YOU DESERVE ALL OF THIS HAPPINESS.
HEALED. YOU HAVE HEALED I THINK.
DO YOURSELF ONE LAST JUSTICE AND BELIEVE IT.
YOU'VE ATTRACTED A GREAT GUY, COURSE YOU'VE HEALED.
YOU NEED TO GO OUT NOW AND WALK YOUR WALK AND NEVER LOOK BACK. :)
Your letter made me feel a little better about my situation. My son went to live with his Dad, who had threatened to take the kids if we ever got a divorce. He took the sister with him. I had taught them to be close and supportive of one another. I see my kids every Sunday for 5 hours, but we don't have much family time. This power thing that Dr. Irene mentioned makes a whole lot of sense to me. Sons really want to cut the ties with their mothers and bond with their fathers, jerks or not. They see the other man as being some kind of threat. It's not particularly logical, but I don't think teens have been noted for their logic as a group. The abused mother is seen as being somehow weak, even though we are by far the ones who have the true strength. Right. That's why it's important to learn how to take your power! You've got it; it's just a matter of responsibly demonstrating it and stepping out of victim role, which appears weak to the child (compared with how the abuser always seems to "win").
My ex-husband really manipulated the situation by buying a house with a pool within walking distance of the High School which the son wanted to attend. I spent a long time feeling very betrayed, and I have been, but I can keep the lines of communication open on my part. I can make sure that each visit is as pleasant as I can make it. Teenagers all have different ways of breaking away. Look at the number of kids who do drugs or run away at the most extreme. They are going to do something that will want you to let them go, as painful as it is ;especially to someone who has been "co-dependent". Enjoy your wedding and your new husband. I am glad he is a good person. You have a good attitude. You are doing what you can. And, that really is all you can do. Good luck to you and yours too.
Great posts and advice. You can't control how others feel, not even your son! Bingo! You must accept what is and do the best you can do regarding yourself under the circumstances. My husband's teen age daughters were not exactly friendly when they first heard about me, and what better way to rebel than to reject someone who loves the parent who they want to reject; an indirect hit at the parent. Well, the girls warmed up when each turned around 19 or 20. They're beautiful, happy, healthy, normal married women now. They could "rebel" safely, against me (a stranger, not a parent who's approval they valued) while still pleasing their custodial parent. I'll bet your ex demands your son to toe the line pretty carefully now. Patience, time is on your side. Yep.
Dear Grateful Friend, 7/20/00
I'm so happy to hear that life is now treating you better!! I agree with Dr. Irene one hundred and fifty percent!! Who cares what your ex thinks about your upcoming marriage, you live for yourself and your "new" family not for him!! He'll get over it, and if he doesn't oh well, his loss!!!
As for your son, as long as you are a good and loving mom to him and you continue to show him love, strength, courage and support then he'll come around and finally see his father for what he really is--A BIG FAT JERK!!!
Get married and be happy that you now have the wonderful life you deserve and can share it with your children. And believe in your heart and soul that you DESERVE THIS!!! Good Luck!!!
It is a common tactic for men, (who refuse to take ANY responsibility for a failed marriage), to claim that infidelity is the reason for their divorce. Why a man would cuckhold himself rather than admit to partial blame in the failure of a relationship is beyond me, yet it happens often. Maybe it's because it's easier to blame an outside source for one's problems than to have to look within and admit to one's own mistakes. Exactly. But, keep in mind that people who resort to this tactic do so because typically they feel so awfully horrible about themselves; they can't deal with looking inside. But, despite one's reason for playing the blame game, it's no excuse for hurting those you love. Think how that even further compromises the blamer's integrity!
It's a shame that your ex is making denigrating statements about you to your son. Continue to speak highly of your ex to your son. Speak highly and don't denigrate, but also be honest about the situation. It is OK to point out that it is not OK for dad to disparage you. Eventually your son will realize that when his dad assassinates his mother's character he is also being disparaged. After all, you're his mother. Even though your ex may be convincing and appear to be plausible, it won't change the truth. It takes time for the truth to emerge. But, trust me, it will. :) Incyndiary@aol.com
Go for it girlfriend! Get married! You deserve a wonderful life. Now your son can finally see what a happy loving home is supposed to be!
I can only repeat the words of LHW: WOW. You have survived so so much. It is a credit to your enduring spirit. Buy with every new sentence you wrote I wanted to yell out: Leave, leave, leave and never never never look back. A couple of thoughts
You do not have a problem with jealousy. I want to repeat that: you do not have a problem with jealousy.
This sick person has so so disrespected you, he is so far down a deep deep bad place, do not let him pull you in.
Jealousy is a personal thing. I think that all healthy people recognize and feel jealousy at one point or another. The key is talking about it with your partner and being listened too by your partner. No one can say you are "too jealous." If you feel that way, then you are. Case closed. Your partner should listen and try to understand. But I think the partner has a role too. There is a limit of how much one person can do to assuage the other person's fears. In a very basic way:
Does my abilities and boundaries fit to meet your needs and fears?
Like Frank stated, its about setting limits. And I said, the fear is that if you set a limit they will walk.
You make a good point a person can be jealous fo a reason or a person can be jealous because they have some inner problem. YOU ARE JEALOUS FOR A REASON. He has a serious problem.
You said how can he be 2 people? Maybe I think think of him as one sick person., If he had a very contagious disease, say leporsy, or ebola virus, you wouldn't stay with him unguarded. He would be placed in a hospital under quaranteen until he was cured.
He has an ebola virus of the soul. Until, if ever he finds a cure he will continue to destroy himself and you.
For the moment, don;t worry about your insecurities as you call them. Worry about your soul. Protect your soul. You are as worthy and as wonderful to enjoy a happy shining life as the rest of us. You obviously have the goodness and will find a person who will celebrate it.
You ask about men, how innocent they are?
Warning Will Robinson: any man who thinks they are a saint isnt. Its a fact of the universe.
We are all different and sometimes make mistakes, it is the ability to listen and take in when we have hurt our partner and make sure we don't commit the same mistake twice that can create a love relationship.
Love does not yell. Love does not berate. Love does not name call. Love does not sleep around. Love sometimes gets angry though. Love communicates that anger into a healthy resolution that in the end leaves the love stronger. You deserve Love. Not what you describe above.
About men?? D stands for david
My submission here was in error. It was intended for a different post here. I apologize for the intrusion.
Peace to all
This is currently happening to me my 21 year old son refuses to even meet my boyfirned and my daughter loves him. I hope he will come around, but I'm prepared he won't. I told him I love him what ever he decides, but I also love my boyfriend.
Good luck Ellen
Dear Grateful Friend...
I wonder what you would have done if it was your daughter who did not like the idea of your getting married? Or, what would you do if you are married to this good man, and your daughter decides she does not like him, after all? Would you leave him?
Dr Laura has the opinion that if your child does not like your spouse, then you should not be married to that person. I think that is hogwash, unless there is real abuse occurring.
I hope your marriage is a good healthy one.
My ex husband left me several times because his daughter and the rest of his family wanted him to (she had told them that I had been abusive to her, which was not true, but they had no way of knowing that). I suggested divorce when he was about to do it again, even tho I did not want it. We almost got back together several times since our divorce, but he would ask his daughter for permission, and of course she would not give it. So, that was the end of that. I just think that if you have a healthy love for each other, and your relationship is healthy, then your children will adapt, and sooner than you realize it, they will be off living their own lives. I hope you will be true to yourself.