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Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for Death of a Dream

Comments for Death of a Dream

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Tuesday June 12, 2001

Dear L.

I can relate to how you feel you are grieving over the "Death of a Dream". I am going through this process right now. It has been difficult especially while recovering from codependency to "let go" of that dream or "what could have been". I have always believed that we would just "grow up" or grow old together. I never realized that we were both suffering by living in denial of reality. He is an alcoholic and very angry from his childhood. He is also a narcissist. He has been suffering from depression lately because I have also given him back his "stuff" to handle. He is very angry with me right now. Infact, he just said to me tonight "I guess I have done all I can do". He attended therapy but was in such deep denial his therapist says he could not help him. He has to want the help. He has to accept responsibility for his behaviors. He is still blaming me. I am only willing to accept responsibility for my own behavior which enabled us to continue living in this unhealthy relationship. I have decided that I want to grow and change myself. He is not willing to come with me on my journey. He is not willing to support me. So, like you I am making that journey alone.

I will pray for him and can wave to him from the other side. I just can not allow him to drag me back. We have been like two drowning people. One of us had to let go or we would both drown. I am just hoping when he sees that it's not so bad that he will be strong enough someday.

It won't be easy but I wish you the best. I have heard from others that it's great on the other side :)

Sincerely,

LisaMM

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Tuesday June 12, 2001

Dear L.

I can relate to how you feel you are grieving over the "Death of a Dream". I am going through this process right now. It has been difficult especially while recovering from codependency to "let go" of that dream or "what could have been". I have always believed that we would just "grow up" or grow old together. I never realized that we were both suffering by living in denial of reality. He is an alcoholic and very angry from his childhood. He is also a narcissist. He has been suffering from depression lately because I have also given him back his "stuff" to handle. He is very angry with me right now. Infact, he just said to me tonight "I guess I have done all I can do". He attended therapy but was in such deep denial his therapist says he could not help him. He has to want the help. He has to accept responsibility for his behaviors. He is still blaming me. I am only willing to accept responsibility for my own behavior which enabled us to continue living in this unhealthy relationship. I have decided that I want to grow and change myself. He is not willing to come with me on my journey. He is not willing to support me. So, like you I am making that journey alone.

I will pray for him and can wave to him from the other side. I just can not allow him to drag me back. We have been like two drowning people. One of us had to let go or we would both drown. I am just hoping when he sees that it's not so bad that he will be strong enough someday.

It won't be easy but I wish you the best. I have heard from others that it's great on the other side :)

Sincerely,

LisaMM

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Tuesday June 12, 2001

Dear L,

Your story could almost be mine. I've been married almost 21 years with 4 children. After marriage counseling failed to bring any real change in my marriage, I hit the internet and found this site in August 2000. What a great place. And in the beginning, I just wanted to learn what it was I was dealing with and how to make my husband change.

Well, sometime later, after venturing timidly into the codependency pages, I found stories and descriptions of Myself. How could that be? Wasn't I the victim and all the problems with abuse and alcoholism were my husband's fault, right? No. His stuff is just that, his stuff and it took me awhile to realize that I had choices and if his stuff was hurting me and the children then I needed to make choices in my life so it wouldn't do that. Before coming here and reading the verbal abuse and codependency books, I had no idea that there was such a thing called "boundaries" even though instinctively, I had respected other's boundaries, I hadn't done so for mySelf.

But part of this whole process of learning to take care of myself, was attending Alanon meetings beginning in November, 2000. Believe me, I resisted going for over 6 months - "alcohol is his problem, not mine!" But in Alanon I was amazed at the similarity of the life stories and how deeply the disease of alcoholism affects every member of the family not just the alcoholic. I would encourage you as Dr. Irene has, to check out a few Alanon meetings.

Anyway, at the end of April, 2001 after my children also urged me to, I told my husband we needed to separate. The next day, I found out that he had also been unfaithful - several times, several women and he was admitting to an "emotional affair" with someone at work. I was devastated by the depth of his betrayal and very angry but without the support systems in place and without having done the work on my codependencey and self esteem issues, I would never been able to so firmly stick up for myself and the children. And as importantly, I now can more clearly see his emotional manipulation and abuse and also how I allowed my own "irrational guilt" and "toxic empathy" to perpetuate the situation.

L, you seem to be on the right track. Good luck. Honey

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Wednesday June 20, 2001

I think L is very brave and I applaud her. My situation was similiar, with the angry outbursts over the most trivial things. Sometimes physical abuse would ensue, with shoving, grabbing, and pushing. There seemed to be a viscous cycle of this anger after his use of the 'internet'. Clearly there was an addiction to *orn pics, email *ex, personals ads, etc. I finally asked him to leave in April and so far he is still in denial and still active. I am struggling with my own problems of feeling like I want to help him in some way. Yet I am also feeling like I have to help myself and look out for my future. Thank you for having a place like this that I can post. I also posted a couple of my poems in the creative writing section if anyone is interested. They may help someone else who is hurting.

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Wednesday June 20, 2001

Dear L, I am going thru the same thing as you. I have invited my husband to move back in. He is getting help, lots of it. I wonder if he can truly change or is another rage around the corner. email me if you want. Jpearl28@yahoo.com

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Thursday June 21, 2001

Thank you all for your comments and support. While I have the support of my children, family and friends, no one knows what it's like unless they have experienced it. For those who have, even their situation is unique, because it's theirs. It really helps knowing I'm not alone, even though I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I am working on my irrational guilt, and am just finishing up reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". Eye-opening. Contrary to the stereotype of someone being "loud", people who are verbally abusive can also be the silent types the majority of the time. The alcohol is clearly a factor, and I actually have attended quite a few Alanon meetings since February. I do believe it has helped me immensely with the "3 C's": Didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. I can only change me. Even if I can't attend the meetings, I read daily from "Courage to Change" and "One Day at a Time in Alanon". I still believe there are underlying factors with his behaviors, he, not just me, should be the one questioning it, taking the steps to understand it, and work to fix it. Because of all the accusations and blame that "I was the one with the problem", I decided to go to counseling, because my relationship with my husband mattered to me. What I realized was that it wasn't all my fault. If anything, I place other's needs far above my own. I can now deflect the blame. If I had the power to make him angry, how come I don't have the power to make him happy? I don't. What's his is his, what's mine is mine. He doesn't know boundaries, or how to take responsibility for what is his. I filed the paperwork for the divorce yesterday, and was terribly pained to see the case management date is 2 days from our 20th anniversary. I thought about putting it off, but decided not to. It's going to be painful no matter what day it happens. While I still have my days of sadness for what we had, and what I hoped would be, this is not the current reality. It's not the first time we have been in this situation, and even after all of the promises of change, and "working at it", it takes 2 to make it, and only 1 to break it. There is a pattern I'm finally seeing here, and I'm breaking the cycle. I would take him back, he'd do well, and slowly he'd slip back into his pattern, usually after the trust was just starting to rebuild. It's of no benefit to either one of us, or our children to stay on this merry-go-round. True change is the responsibility of the individual. I mourn that this change hasn't happened on his part for himself, our relationship, and his children. I am learning to embrace the change in me, which is to know that no one deserves to put up with this kind of treatment. A relationship should be of mutual emotional benefit to both individuals, and takes work from both individuals. People may argue, disagree, have a bad day, etc..but the hurtful name calling, screaming, and irrational behavior....no excuse. All I can say to those whose partners are getting help, time will tell, and actions speak louder than words. Someone can have all the help in the world, but if they don't think they have a problem, it's hard to expect results. Counseling and therapy only work if it's taken seriously. Learn to stick up for your right to be treated with respect, and don't allow yourself to be pulled into the abyss. You have to learn to take care of yourself. The compassion and empathy I read on this site is incredible. So many express how much they care about significant others in their lives. It's too bad the ones they care about can't see what they are losing, until it's too late, or not at all. It's okay if you still love them, but there comes a time, and only you will know when, that you have to let them go. Their recovery is their responsibility. Your recovery is yours.

Wishing all of you the best, L

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Thursday June 21, 2001

Thank you all for your comments and support. While I have the support of my children, family and friends, no one knows what it's like unless they have experienced it. For those who have, even their situation is unique, because it's theirs. It really helps knowing I'm not alone, even though I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I am working on my irrational guilt, and am just finishing up reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". Eye-opening. Contrary to the stereotype of someone being "loud", people who are verbally abusive can also be the silent types the majority of the time. The alcohol is clearly a factor, and I actually have attended quite a few Alanon meetings since February. I do believe it has helped me immensely with the "3 C's": Didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. I can only change me. Even if I can't attend the meetings, I read daily from "Courage to Change" and "One Day at a Time in Alanon". I still believe there are underlying factors with his behaviors, he, not just me, should be the one questioning it, taking the steps to understand it, and work to fix it. Because of all the accusations and blame that "I was the one with the problem", I decided to go to counseling, because my relationship with my husband mattered to me. What I realized was that it wasn't all my fault. If anything, I place other's needs far above my own. I can now deflect the blame. If I had the power to make him angry, how come I don't have the power to make him happy? I don't. What's his is his, what's mine is mine. He doesn't know boundaries, or how to take responsibility for what is his. I filed the paperwork for the divorce yesterday, and was terribly pained to see the case management date is 2 days from our 20th anniversary. I thought about putting it off, but decided not to. It's going to be painful no matter what day it happens. While I still have my days of sadness for what we had, and what I hoped would be, this is not the current reality. It's not the first time we have been in this situation, and even after all of the promises of change, and "working at it", it takes 2 to make it, and only 1 to break it. There is a pattern I'm finally seeing here, and I'm breaking the cycle. I would take him back, he'd do well, and slowly he'd slip back into his pattern, usually after the trust was just starting to rebuild. It's of no benefit to either one of us, or our children to stay on this merry-go-round. True change is the responsibility of the individual. I mourn that this change hasn't happened on his part for himself, our relationship, and his children. I am learning to embrace the change in me, which is to know that no one deserves to put up with this kind of treatment. A relationship should be of mutual emotional benefit to both individuals, and takes work from both individuals. People may argue, disagree, have a bad day, etc..but the hurtful name calling, screaming, and irrational behavior....no excuse. All I can say to those whose partners are getting help, time will tell, and actions speak louder than words. Someone can have all the help in the world, but if they don't think they have a problem, it's hard to expect results. Counseling and therapy only work if it's taken seriously. Learn to stick up for your right to be treated with respect, and don't allow yourself to be pulled into the abyss. You have to learn to take care of yourself. The compassion and empathy I read on this site is incredible. So many express how much they care about significant others in their lives. It's too bad the ones they care about can't see what they are losing, until it's too late, or not at all. It's okay if you still love them, but there comes a time, and only you will know when, that you have to let them go. Their recovery is their responsibility. Your recovery is yours.

Wishing all of you the best, L

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Sunday June 24, 2001

Dear L,

Your story really helped me right now. I am sorry that your husband won't work on his stuff to save your marriage. I have just gone through something similar in a much shorter-term relationship, but it's the same pattern. It seems like it's just easier for them to give up on the relationship than do a little hard honest work. You know what? I find it hard to respect someone who won't work, especially when the payoff is so fantastic. For me, it's hard to love a man I don't respect. Brave words - I've been doing a lot of crying! But I don't respect people who coast through life doing nothing with themselves, why should I respect someone just because he is in a relationship with me?

I think I'm waffling and thinking as I type! For some reason it helps to see these patterns and to realize that I'm not alone, nor are you. I also make myself wrong for not trying harder or being more understanding. But it's a black hole of emotional investment. If it were a financial investment, you'd think investing more would be a ridiculous idea.

You sound like you are doing great - it's a sad thing but you obviously have the truth on your side and you are free now.

Take care,

Perdida

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Sunday June 24, 2001

Dear L,

Good for you for taking care of yourself and having the courage to do it. I am still working on that courage, and most days I get closer to it, then some slip backwards and start trying to believe that it can change, etc, then a dose of reality pushes me forward... You are right that no 2 situations are precisely the same, but I have lived with alcoholism (my mother) and emotional abuse (my husband of 20 years) and irrational guilt around all of it. And the sense of a dream dying very much expresses my own feelings. My only child is only 8, and he doesn't see things so clearly. Only I see how much better his behavior is when dad's out of town for a while. And I'm not at all sure that I won't end up only seeing him 7 days out of 14 - talk about the death of a dream - a separation from my child for the rest of his days feels like a prison sentence to me. But hey, I'm already in prison, as is said child.

There is a huge amount of sorrow associated with losing a marriage and a family. And there is a huge amount of insanity in trying to hold one together with an abusive person. Feeling your sorrow is your ticket to sanity. Excellent job for being able to grab it and go.

--M

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Monday June 25, 2001

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Monday June 25, 2001

Dear --M,

A lot of people have used that word for my actions lately...courage. I am flattered. I have to admit, maybe it's part courage and the other part is finally waking up to the reality that I cannot fix someone else. God knows everytime I tried, the insanity reared it's ugly head again. Everytime me and my kids trusted, it wasn't treated as the precious gift that it is.

You are right when you say there is a huge amount of sorrow associated with losing a marriage and a family. But I'm realizing that while I'm losing my marriage, I still have a family, just not the one I envisioned in my dreams, complete with a loving father and husband.

I have been going round and round with this for 5 years. I have taken many chances to trust, and am met with anger and denial. I can no longer rationalize how someone who loves me could treat me or his children this way. It would be good for a while, then the trust was shattered again. After the final incident, that was my wake up call that if police involvement, mandated anger management classes, promises to stop drinking that weren't met, counseling, many discussions of healthy boundaries, no name calling, etc..weren't enough to make him wake up, it was time for me too! It wasn't getting better.

Only you will know when you are ready to make that step. And believe me, when you do, you'll still have your periods of wondering if you are doing the right thing. I am learning to stop 2nd guessing myself. Like I said earlier, I know these tears that mourn what we had (and there were many good years), what I dreamed would be, will eventually subside. But the tears from the hurt, the chaos...they could go on forever.

L

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Monday June 25, 2001

Dear Perdida,

Your story also made me realize I'm not alone. It is sad that it seems we are not worth some hard work, especially when that's what we are willing to give others. That doesn't mean we're perfect, but that we value our relationship with others, and are willing to do what it takes to strengthen it. I think the payoff is priceless.

I agree it's hard to respect someone who won't work in the relationship. However, I am at a place where I'm not divorcing the love I have for him, and what we did have together for many years, but the reality that now is just not a healthy relationship.

Try not to go there thinking what's wrong with you, and that you didn't try or understand enough. As my good friends have told me time and time again, "stop beating up on yourself". Try asking yourself why you should be doing all the work? That's an awful lot for one person to take on. I mean, if you had the power to make him angry, why can't you make him happy? Simple...you don't. That comes from within one's self. You have this for your own benefit too!

I can relate to the crying. Oh yes...just as I feel stronger, the tears flow. I guess it's all part of the grieving process.

I like your investment comparison. Why should somone "buy" at such a high price, when the return is so low? Good way of looking at it.

I can't say I'm doing great, but I am facing reality a lot better than in the past. It is a sad truth, but I'm taking it one day at a time, sometimes one hour!

Take Care,

L

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Tuesday June 26, 2001

I am commenting on your life, as it mirrors so many of us. When I reported my husband to the police, nothing surprised them about him. They said that once you've seen as many cases as they have, you see all the similarities. Also your feelings are similiar about yourself - guilt, etc.! End this and move on !! That's what I'm doing, and you will never regret it, and for the first time in many years YOU WILL FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF!

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Friday June 29, 2001

L--

You seem exceptionally clear-eyed and clear-headed for a person in your situation. It is crazy-making to live with and try to love someone like that. You know in your head that this is all you can do. Your heart will catch up.

I was in a similar relationship. I came to realize that it was not really love, but addiction. I was (and he is) a relationship addict. As you put it so eloquently, you *wanted* to be with him, but he *needed* to be with you.

I needed to learn to like peace and quiet and serenity. I was so used to being on "alert" physiologically that I thought that was "normal." I have gotten much, much better in the 6 years since I separated from my first husband. Alanon was my vehicle for finding serenity, no matter what the people around me are doing. I used to get hooked by other people's craziness. Now I usually don't.

Be patient with yourself. This process takes a long time, though you are well on your way. Also, if you can, be as kind and empathetic with your husband as you can (in a healthy, detached way). The main things I got out of counseling and Alanon were to learn to quit blaming him for being a jerk, and to quit blaming myself for having been powerless over his disease. The end of blaming is the beginning of healing.

Amy

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Friday June 29, 2001

L--

You seem exceptionally clear-eyed and clear-headed for a person in your situation. It is crazy-making to live with and try to love someone like that. You know in your head that this is all you can do. Your heart will catch up.

I was in a similar relationship. I came to realize that it was not really love, but addiction. I was (and he is) a relationship addict. As you put it so eloquently, you *wanted* to be with him, but he *needed* to be with you.

I needed to learn to like peace and quiet and serenity. I was so used to being on "alert" physiologically that I thought that was "normal." I have gotten much, much better in the 6 years since I separated from my first husband. Alanon was my vehicle for finding serenity, no matter what the people around me are doing. I used to get hooked by other people's craziness. Now I usually don't.

Be patient with yourself. This process takes a long time, though you are well on your way. Also, if you can, be as kind and empathetic with your husband as you can (in a healthy, detached way). The main things I got out of counseling and Alanon were to learn to quit blaming him for being a jerk, and to quit blaming myself for having been powerless over his disease. The end of blaming is the beginning of healing.

Amy

Submit
Friday June 29, 2001

L--

You seem exceptionally clear-eyed and clear-headed for a person in your situation. It is crazy-making to live with and try to love someone like that. You know in your head that this is all you can do. Your heart will catch up.

I was in a similar relationship. I came to realize that it was not really love, but addiction. I was (and he is) a relationship addict. As you put it so eloquently, you *wanted* to be with him, but he *needed* to be with you.

I needed to learn to like peace and quiet and serenity. I was so used to being on "alert" physiologically that I thought that was "normal." I have gotten much, much better in the 6 years since I separated from my first husband. Alanon was my vehicle for finding serenity, no matter what the people around me are doing. I used to get hooked by other people's craziness. Now I usually don't.

Be patient with yourself. This process takes a long time, though you are well on your way. Also, if you can, be as kind and empathetic with your husband as you can (in a healthy, detached way). The main things I got out of counseling and Alanon were to learn to quit blaming him for being a jerk, and to quit blaming myself for having been powerless over his disease. The end of blaming is the beginning of healing.

Amy

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Sunday July 01, 2001

Dear Amy-

I have my good days, and bad days. Right now I am in the grieving process. I've tried to be kind and empathetic to my STBX, but anytime he calls, all he is doing is throwing out blame towards me and our son. When he starts swearing at me on the phone, that's when I say, "I'm not going to listen to you talk to me like that, and then I say 'goodbye'", and hang up.

Friday was tough, as he was served with the RO and divorce papers. When I came home, he had an officer at the house, so he could get his stuff out of the garage. He looked so angry as he was loading his van. You see, in his world, we are the enemy. He has been telling his buddies that me, and our son, are the violent ones. Then I start "beating myself up" for pushing him away, even though it was fear, and not anger. He's the "nice guy", passive and so giving to the rest of the world, but dumps all the "not so nice stuff" on his family. He just doesn't see it that way, and I have to accept that is his reality right now (denial?), and I am working to not worry about what other people think, since they didn't live with him. There have been a few other witnesses to his "craziness". Even so, I just sat in the house and cried. We gave him the support and encouragement to work on his issues, but apparently we are not worth it, as denial is his main coping tool.

He finally called our daughter after 1 month, but she said "he sounded weird" on the message. She called me at work very upset he didn't ask about her brother. This apparently is his new way of "hurting". The sad thing is, now it's only going to push her away, cause she even said, "I want a relationship with Dad, but not until he gets help. I can't talk to him if he's going to be that way". As everything I say is discounted, I told her to write a letter about how she feels, and we can put it with his mail. It may not change anything on his part, but I think it will help her feel better. Amazing...they are stronger with their boundaries than I was, but I'm getting there, one day at a time.

L

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Sunday July 01, 2001

Dear Amy-

I have my good days, and bad days. Right now I am in the grieving process. I've tried to be kind and empathetic to my STBX, but anytime he calls, all he is doing is throwing out blame towards me and our son. When he starts swearing at me on the phone, that's when I say, "I'm not going to listen to you talk to me like that, and then I say 'goodbye'", and hang up.

Friday was tough, as he was served with the RO and divorce papers. When I came home, he had an officer at the house, so he could get his stuff out of the garage. He looked so angry as he was loading his van. You see, in his world, we are the enemy. He has been telling his buddies that me, and our son, are the violent ones. Then I start "beating myself up" for pushing him away, even though it was fear, and not anger. He's the "nice guy", passive and so giving to the rest of the world, but dumps all the "not so nice stuff" on his family. He just doesn't see it that way, and I have to accept that is his reality right now (denial?), and I am working to not worry about what other people think, since they didn't live with him. There have been a few other witnesses to his "craziness". Even so, I just sat in the house and cried. We gave him the support and encouragement to work on his issues, but apparently we are not worth it, as denial is his main coping tool.

He finally called our daughter after 1 month, but she said "he sounded weird" on the message. She called me at work very upset he didn't ask about her brother. This apparently is his new way of "hurting". The sad thing is, now it's only going to push her away, cause she even said, "I want a relationship with Dad, but not until he gets help. I can't talk to him if he's going to be that way". As everything I say is discounted, I told her to write a letter about how she feels, and we can put it with his mail. It may not change anything on his part, but I think it will help her feel better. Amazing...they are stronger with their boundaries than I was, but I'm getting there, one day at a time.

L

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Sunday July 01, 2001

Dear Amy-

I have my good days, and bad days. Right now I am in the grieving process. I've tried to be kind and empathetic to my STBX, but anytime he calls, all he is doing is throwing out blame towards me and our son. When he starts swearing at me on the phone, that's when I say, "I'm not going to listen to you talk to me like that, and then I say 'goodbye'", and hang up.

Friday was tough, as he was served with the RO and divorce papers. When I came home, he had an officer at the house, so he could get his stuff out of the garage. He looked so angry as he was loading his van. You see, in his world, we are the enemy. He has been telling his buddies that me, and our son, are the violent ones. Then I start "beating myself up" for pushing him away, even though it was fear, and not anger. He's the "nice guy", passive and so giving to the rest of the world, but dumps all the "not so nice stuff" on his family. He just doesn't see it that way, and I have to accept that is his reality right now (denial?), and I am working to not worry about what other people think, since they didn't live with him. There have been a few other witnesses to his "craziness". Even so, I just sat in the house and cried. We gave him the support and encouragement to work on his issues, but apparently we are not worth it, as denial is his main coping tool.

He finally called our daughter after 1 month, but she said "he sounded weird" on the message. She called me at work very upset he didn't ask about her brother. This apparently is his new way of "hurting". The sad thing is, now it's only going to push her away, cause she even said, "I want a relationship with Dad, but not until he gets help. I can't talk to him if he's going to be that way". As everything I say is discounted, I told her to write a letter about how she feels, and we can put it with his mail. It may not change anything on his part, but I think it will help her feel better. Amazing...they are stronger with their boundaries than I am, but I'm getting there, one day at a time.

L

Submit
Sunday July 01, 2001

Amy,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I have my good days, and bad days. Right now I am in the grieving process. I've tried to be kind and empathetic to my STBX, but anytime he calls, all he is doing is throwing out blame towards me and our son. When he starts swearing at me on the phone, that's when I say, "I'm not going to listen to you talk to me like that, and then I say 'goodbye'", and hang up.

Friday was tough, as he was served with the RO and divorce papers. When I came home, he had an officer at the house, so he could get his stuff out of the garage. He looked so angry as he was loading his van. You see, in his world, we are the enemy. He has been telling his buddies that me, and our son, are the violent ones. Then I start "beating myself up" for pushing him away, even though it was fear, and not anger. He's the "nice guy", passive and so giving to the rest of the world, but dumps all the "not so nice stuff" on his family. He just doesn't see it that way, and I have to accept that is his reality right now (denial?), and I am working to not worry about what other people think, since they didn't live with him. There have been a few other witnesses to his "craziness". Even so, I just sat in the house and cried. We gave him the support and encouragement to work on his issues, but apparently we are not worth it, as denial is his main coping tool.

He finally called our daughter after 1 month, but she said "he sounded weird" on the message. She called me at work very upset he didn't ask about her brother. This apparently is his new way of "hurting". The sad thing is, now it's only going to push her away, cause she even said, "I want a relationship with Dad, but not until he gets help. I can't talk to him if he's going to be that way". As everything I say is discounted, I told her to write a letter about how she feels, and we can put it with his mail. It may not change anything on his part, but I think it will help her feel better. Amazing...they are stronger with their boundaries than I am, but I'm getting there, one day at a time.

L

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Sunday July 01, 2001

Amy,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Tried to post this under the "Death of a Dream" posts, but it keep hanging everytime.

I have my good days, and bad days. Right now I am in the grieving process. I've tried to be kind and empathetic to my STBX, but anytime he calls, all he is does is throw out blame towards me and our son. When he starts swearing at me on the phone, that's when I say, "I'm not going to listen to you talk to me like that, and then I say 'goodbye'", and hang up.

Friday was tough, as he was served with the RO and divorce papers. When I came home, he had an officer at the house, so he could get his stuff out of the garage. He looked so angry as he was loading his van. You see, in his world, we are the enemy. He has been telling his buddies that me, and our son, are the violent ones. Then I start "beating myself up" for pushing him away, even though it was fear, and not anger. He's the "nice guy", passive and so giving to the rest of the world, but dumps all the "not so nice stuff" on his family. He just doesn't see it that way, and I have to accept that is his reality right now (denial?), and I am working to not worry about what other people think, since they didn't live with him. There have been a few other witnesses to his "craziness". Even so, I just sat in the house and cried. We gave him the support and encouragement to work on his issues, but apparently we are not worth it, as denial is his main coping tool.

He finally called our daughter after 1 month, but she said "he sounded weird" on the message. She called me at work very upset he didn't ask about her brother. This apparently is his new way of "hurting". The sad thing is, now it's only going to push her away, cause she even said, "I want a relationship with Dad, but not until he gets help. I can't talk to him if he's going to be that way". As everything I say is discounted, I told her to write a letter about how she feels, and we can put it with his mail. It may not change anything on his part, but I think it will help her feel better. Amazing...they are stronger with their boundaries than I am, but I'm getting there.

L

Submit
Sunday July 01, 2001

Amy,

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

I have my good days, and bad days. Right now I am in the grieving process. I've tried to be kind and empathetic to my STBX, but anytime he calls, all he is does is throw out blame towards me and our son. When he starts swearing at me on the phone, that's when I say, "I'm not going to listen to you talk to me like that, and then I say 'goodbye'", and hang up.

Friday was tough, as he was served with the RO and divorce papers. When I came home, he had an officer at the house, so he could get his stuff out of the garage. He looked so angry as he was loading his van. You see, in his world, we are the enemy. He has been telling his buddies that me, and our son, are the violent ones. Then I start "beating myself up" for pushing him away, even though it was fear, and not anger. He's the "nice guy", passive and so giving to the rest of the world, but dumps all the "not so nice stuff" on his family. He just doesn't see it that way, and I have to accept that is his reality right now (denial?), and I am working to not worry about what other people think, since they didn't live with him. There have been a few other witnesses to his "craziness". Even so, I just sat in the house and cried. We gave him the support and encouragement to work on his issues, but apparently we are not worth it, as denial is his main coping tool.

He finally called our daughter after 1 month, but she said "he sounded weird" on the message. She called me at work very upset he didn't ask about her brother. This apparently is his new way of "hurting". The sad thing is, now it's only going to push her away, cause she even said, "I want a relationship with Dad, but not until he gets help. I can't talk to him if he's going to be that way". As everything I say is discounted, I told her to write a letter about how she feels, and we can put it with his mail. It may not change anything on his part, but I think it will help her feel better. Amazing...they are stronger with their boundaries than I am, but I'm getting there.

L

Submit
Sunday, July 01, 2001

Amy,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Tried to post this under the "Death of a Dream" posts, but it keep hanging every time.  I copied it there for you.

I have my good days, and bad days. Right now I am in the grieving process. I've tried to be kind and empathetic to my STBX, but anytime he calls, all he is does is throw out blame towards me and our son. When he starts swearing at me on the phone, that's when I say, "I'm not going to listen to you talk to me like that, and then I say 'goodbye'", and hang up.

Friday was tough, as he was served with the RO and divorce papers. When I came home, he had an officer at the house, so he could get his stuff out of the garage. He looked so angry as he was loading his van. You see, in his world, we are the enemy. He has been telling his buddies that me, and our son, are the violent ones. Then I start "beating myself up" for pushing him away, even though it was fear, and not anger. He's the "nice guy", passive and so giving to the rest of the world, but dumps all the "not so nice stuff" on his family. He just doesn't see it that way, and I have to accept that is his reality right now (denial?), and I am working to not worry about what other people think, since they didn't live with him. There have been a few other witnesses to his "craziness". Even so, I just sat in the house and cried. We gave him the support and encouragement to work on his issues, but apparently we are not worth it, as denial is his main coping tool.

He finally called our daughter after 1 month, but she said "he sounded weird" on the message. She called me at work very upset he didn't ask about her brother. This apparently is his new way of "hurting". The sad thing is, now it's only going to push her away, cause she even said, "I want a relationship with Dad, but not until he gets help. I can't talk to him if he's going to be that way". As everything I say is discounted, I told her to write a letter about how she feels, and we can put it with his mail. It may not change anything on his part, but I think it will help her feel better. Amazing...they are stronger with their boundaries than I am, but I'm getting there, one day at a time.

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Monday July 02, 2001

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Thursday July 12, 2001

Dear L,

Glad you woke up. Glad you have now joined the catbox.

All I want to say is WELL DONE on waking up and giving your children a healthier future.

Take care Theressa

PS hope to meet you in the catbox

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Friday July 27, 2001

You go girl.....

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Thursday October 04, 2001

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Thursday February 07, 2002

L, Thank you so much for this story. I am only 21, but my boyfriend of three years acts just like your husband. I'm sure you shared your story in the hopes of preventing someone else from going through it. You have helped to save me from marrying a young abusive alcoholic. God bless you! Allie

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Friday August 16, 2002

My comment/question is WHAT will hubby have to do to show that he is 'worthy' again? From L's perspective -what will you need to see? Dr. Irene' perspective -what must he do SPECIFICALLY? E.

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Wednesday September 04, 2002

jhj,b

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Friday January 03, 2003

 

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