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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

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7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments To Deal With An Abuser Page 2

Comments To Deal With An Abuser Page 2

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos  Copyrightę 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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B1: Submit

S1

Thank you _ am reading this at just the right time! My kids and I left my verbally abusive and very manipulative husband about a year and a half ago and now we are divorced. I did put it in our divorce agreement that he could not come into my house or call me at work (and I am so glad that I did!) However, now when we talk (phone or person to person) and he doesn't like what I'm saying - like that he shouldn't drink in front of the kids, or that I need my child support - he turns evil. His face contorts and turns red, he calls me a ----- and a ---- and accuses me of things and gets very nasty. I usually leave just shaking like a leaf. But I do still need to make arrangements with him about the kids - like schedules, and dental visits and ball games. Anyone have any ideas how I can share information without getting abused all over again? At this time, I would really rather not always be trying to "outsmart" him because I know he's much meaner than I'd ever want to be. I just want to get away from this - here I am, divorced, and he's still abusing me! Help! Have your attorney handle the difficult stuff. It's well worth the money not to have to deal with this junk.

B1: Submit

S1

"You always put everyone else before our friendship." "That's your opinion." or "Perhaps."

B1: Submit

S1

"You always put everyone else before our friendship." I get this a lot. I try to defend myself by denying it of course but that just fuels the fire. Don't. He is a compulsive liar that finds pleasure in manipulating things that people say so it reflects negatively on me. What scares me is that he's so good at it. He actually has convinced himself that his lies are really the truth. Even after other people have heard a different story. Nobody wants to take the time to argue the truth with him. They feel its not worth it. Since he won't believe a word I say, I'm rely on them to be my advocate which is a rarity. Why do you care what he says? He wants to believe his lies, let him.

B1: Submit

S1

"You ALWAYS [say/do] that." "Always!"

After saying something hurtful: "I didn't mean it that way. You're attacking me!" Walk away; ignore the comment.

"I don't want you to buy this [bread/lunchmeat/dish soap, etc.]. It sucks." (even if I like it) Buy it yourself.

To our children when they object to being tickled, wrestled to the floor, having a piece of food taken off their plates, etc.: "What are you going to do about?" Huh?

 

B1: Submit

S1

"You are always sarcastic." "Always!" (with a smile)

 B1: Submit

S1

A: "You have a victim personality." and "You're so innocent." (with sarcasm) Say nothing. You don't have to justify attacks by replying to them.

"You drive me crazy! (very loudly and slowly) and "You brought this on yourself." "You're looking for trouble." 

It doesn't seem to matter what I say, it either drives him crazy or he is somehow offended by it. That is correct. Often, there is absolutely nothing you can say. So, ignore it and don't bother. But don't get upset by this nonsense either. Not worth your time and energy.

B1: Submit

S1

"You are a liar." He will never believe what I am saying as the truth. When I tell him I know in my heart what is the truth and he can believe what he wants, he just keeps going on and on, so how do I keep disengaged? Stop trying to make him believe you. You care about what he thinks; that's why you have not yet disengaged. Look at it this way: you haven't made him believe you yet; what makes you think you will the next time you try? 

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 13, 2000

S1

Me, after a nasty remark: "Don't talk to me like that" Her: "Don't tell me what to do." Don't tell her what to do. Just "lose" your hearing for nasty remarks. Respond only when spoken to respectfully.

or

Me: "Don't talk to me like that" or "Stop" or "Let's talk about this another time." She: mimics and scowls the same words, sometimes following me to goad me into anger. Don't bite! You don't have to react to the baiting! Ignore it and go about your business. This isn't worth your time.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, April 14, 2000

S1

Abuser: "Are you telling me the problem is all with me? What about the awful things you do to us?"

Response: "You'll have to decide that for yourself." That's a good response. Or, "First let's deal with my complaint; then we get to yours."

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, April 23, 2000

S1

"You're just a fat slob, trailer trash bitch I should have never married. You're a f**&ing idiot and your brain don't work right."  "Grow up dear."

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 24, 2000

S1

"You're weak minded." "OK."

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 25, 2000

S1

19th wedding anniversary to verbal abuser who suffers from bipolar disorder, anxiety, diabetes etc. I buy him a card and poster. He buys nothing, lies on the bed and says I'm stupid, etc. My clue to say, "No I'm not." It doesn't matter. What do you say to a verbal abuser? "I hate you." That is really what you are feeling! Yes, I bet you are...

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 26, 2000

S1

Abuser: "You don't care about me." Me: "I won't argue with you when you've been drinking." Abuser: "Typical. You never want to talk. You close up. You don't love me." Me: "I won't argue with you when you've been drinking. I'm going to sleep." Abuser: Go on, run away then. You don't care about me. Just go to sleep and don't worry about what your abuser is saying. Nothing you say will be right. There's nothing you can do about it - other than get into a fight.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, April 28, 2000

S1

What about when the abuser says-"If you think that way (asking him if we had anything to discuss re: a longtime lady emailer on his computer) why don't you pack your s**t and get the f**k out of here?" I think you should take him up on it.

"I don't care" I didn't like the way he choose to redo the kitchen. (Actually he says this a lot if I say I don't want/like something.) You don't have to say anything. More important, stop caring that he doesn't care!

"You've been unhappy for a long time...." This does not sound abusive...

"No questions, I can't stand the questions" These questions can sometimes revolve around him, his plans for the day, or sometimes I'm just trying to make conversation. Lots of withholding going on from him, I'm just trying to get some attention. Stop trying; it's not working.

"Miserable c**t, ruined my life." Why are you putting up with this?

"I've had enough of your (fill in the blank)" books, clothes (whatever). Haven't you had enough of this?

But every once in a while, I get an "I love you" out of nowhere. Is that the paltry tid bit that keeps you in this relationship? Think about it.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 02, 2000

S1

Thank you Dr. Irene for responding to my post (I was the poster for 4/28-the very last one). I think I am fooling myself even with the counseling and ALANON. I'm driving myself crazy thinking what this other woman is to him. He has said she is a friend who thinks he's terrific or the world of him - something to that effect. At any rate, thank you for your site and all of your feedback to all of us. Thank you...

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 10, 2000

S1

Your suggestions will work in cases that involve a spouse or partner but sometimes when your young and your parents are the abusers these answers get you in even more trouble. When your a kid you just take it and deal with it - you don't even know that it's not right. I took it and only now that I am an adult do I realize what happened to me and that the way I was talked to wasn't normal and it wasn't always my fault. I still have problems with my mom but now instead of hidding in closets I just don't answer the phone or return her calls. I barely talk to her and avoid her at all costs. What to do? What to do? How do I deal with this? I pace and ask myself this constantly when dealing with her.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 17, 2000

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 17, 2000

S1

PLEASE help me. I'm at such a loss. I don't know what to do.

I *need* some advice. And I beg you, please be gentle! I cannot leave my husband. And making him angry or upsetting him in any way, he takes it out on me by witholding love and refusing to touch, look at, talk to, etc... me.

My husband has a major control issue regarding two things in particular. These have been our ONLY problems... however, they're unfortunately VERY BIG things. Not superficial, never touched upon things.

The first: Medical care. He's convinced that all doctors (and even nurses) are "perverts". Our last baby, he refused to allow me to be seen during pregnancy. I did my own prenatal care (measuring height of fundus, checking urine for protein, glucose, etc... b/p monitoring, etc...) and we had our baby on our own. It was not a good outcome, and I'm pregnant again, and he's agreed to let me see a doctor throughout. However, I am not allowed to have a vaginal exam or any other exam which requires the dr. to see, touch or look at my "privates" (including my breasts).

I had emergency surgery recently and one of the tests that I was required to undergo before they could decide whether or not I truly needed surgery was a barium enema, where they put a dye up into the lower bowel so it shows up on a CAT scan. He had a FIT when he found out I'd had this done. I was in the hospital room after having been operated on, with him yelling at me, etc...

When we got home and he saw that my pubic area had been shaved he wouldn't touch me. Said that it disgusted him to know that someone else had "seen" me and had done that. "You don't even let me shave you!" he said at one point.

He doesn't GET it. He doesn't understand that this is not SEXUAL. It's MEDICAL.

I'm pregnant again, and like I said, he's "letting" me see a dr. but refuses to allow me certain tests and proceedures.

I was worried about an ectopic pregnancy (am in the early first trimester) and went in to be seen. They were going to run an ultrasound scan. Little did I know they meant a transvaginal ultrasound. He wouldn't let me have it done. The dr. wanted to check me with a manual exam too, to which he refused to let me have it done. So, they couldn't check to see if I had tenderness and problems in the tubes.

Of course, I think he must know this is weird. Wrong. For example, when he talked to his mother later during the evening he didn't say, "we went to the dr... blah blah blah... and I wouldn't let her have such a disgusting exam as that done!"... he said instead, "She didn't want to have the exam done."

So it's layed on ME.

He refuses to allow me to go to the OB/GYN for any appointments without him. He must be there.

He said on the way home the other day, from the appt. we might as well have not gone to, "If I wasn't there, you'd have let them do that disgusting exam, wouldn't you have!"

I don't know what to do!!!

If I talk to him (as I've tried) and tell him, "You are the only one who will ever touch me in *that* way and make me feel good..." he doesn't care. He says, "I'm the only one who's supposed to see you 'down there'"

If I tell him, "These are medical procedures. You're sexualizing something that is not enjoyable!" he tells me, "Maybe it's not fun for you, but you can't tell me someone who deals with that part of the body all day isn't perverted and turned on by that."

If I tell him, "We don't want what happened last time to happen to this baby. We need to accept and trust this care we're given." he gets irrate with me and says, "Sure! Blame me for what happened!" and/or sarcastically replies, "Well THAT particular exam just isn't necessary!"

My husband thinks that a dr., during birth, is going to let him do dilation checks (he's got no experience! And that is NOT something they're going to let him do all by himself!) and that he's got to "catch" the baby no matter what (well, as we've already experienced, emergencies do happen and with our luck they might happen again. Someone, maybe several someones, are going to see my "privates" during birth!

He said I'm not allowed to have a catheter, etc... he's also said that if I ever have another surgery that he won't allow me to go in and have it done unless they let him come in with me during the surgery.

So, great. I am going to end up dying.

I can't beleive that after allthat we've gone through with our last baby's birth (she died, due to breathing problems)he's still holding on to this control crud. And after almost losing me before my emergency surgery last month, that he chose to focus on what was done to me/what I let them do to me, rather than be thankful I'm still here with him!

What am I supposed to do?

If I just go ahead and have these exams done, he's said he'll leave me. We have other children! And I'm at-home. I don't work. We live miles outside of town. I have no car. And I love him! I can't imagine not having him around!

In the very least, he's soooo COLD toward me. Angry, steel eyes. Glaring. Won't talk to me.

When I just listen and do what he tells me to... and let him be in the control seat. He's marvelous. He's sweet, kind. Nice. Gentle, loving. He holds my hand in the car, he's active at home. Etc...

The idea of losing that is TERRIFYING. NO ONE understands.

I don't know what to do!!!!!!!

PLEASE help me! I don't know what to do!!!

I don't want to lose him as we're expecting our next baby! Not over something so ridiculous!

It's so easy for others on the outside to say, "This guy's just WEIRD... LET him go!" but it's not so easy when you're on the inside with love, emotions, memories and everything else all skewed into one.

This and the area of breastfeeding are our only "problem" areas. (He thinks breastfeeding is sexual too. Expects me to nurse our baby, but at the same time condemns it as disgusting. Can't win for losing).

He's not bad otherwise. Just in the medical and breastfeeding issues.

HELP please!

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 30, 2000

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 30, 2000

S1

So far I haven't read anything where the abuser is a member of the family. I was verbally abused by my sister for over 40 years and never realized it because I lived with it. When I attracted relationships to people who were like her, she derided me and said she would no longer speak to me if I stayed in such relationships. In short, she would recognize no abuser but herself.

I often wondered why I had no opinions and could not make decisions alone. (I called her constantly for advice!) It wasn't until I read a book called "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron that I realized I was abused. It was a way of life for me since I had grown up with it.

In short, victims whose abusers are family members have a tough row to hoe because they can't see where their problems began. They are just always lacking in confidence and are always unhappy and are going to exactly the wrong person for solutions to their dilemma.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, June 20, 2000

S1

i say, "Your williong to throw "us" away because of this? he says, "What us?"

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, June 20, 2000

S1

i say, "Your willing to throw "us" away because of this? he says, "What us?"

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, June 24, 2000

S1

Dr. Irene,

I've been reading everything and anything I can on your website. This is within the last two hrs.My brain is a bit on over load at this point, so after this comment, I will resume in reading at another time. I am extremely greatful for your knowledge and sharing, but when you gave answers up top as to how to handle an abusive conversation with an abuser by agreeing with them, I know that it would only make my husband extremely more abusive. He would take it as I were egging him on. Like lighting the dynamite myself for him. I've learned a great deal in reading within this website, but please rethink your solution in dealing with with an abuser by your example up above! With respect, Deborah K. Anson

Deborah K. Anson 11 Horse Heaven Rd. Washington Ct. 06793

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, June 24, 2000

S1

Dr. Irene,

I've been reading everything and anything I can on your website. This is within the last two hrs.My brain is a bit on over load at this point, so after this comment, I will resume in reading at another time. I am extremely greatful for your knowledge and sharing, but when you gave answers up top as to how to handle an abusive conversation with an abuser by agreeing with them, I know that it would only make my husband extremely more abusive. He would take it as I were egging him on. Like lighting the dynamite myself for him. I've learned a great deal in reading within this website, but please rethink your solution in dealing with with an abuser by your example up above! With respect, Deborah K. Anson

Deborah K. Anson 11 Horse Heaven Rd. Washington Ct. 06793

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, July 03, 2000

S1

To the May 17th poster.

I don't believe people are only good or evil, but people can live in darkness and not know it.

I used to think I was doing my ex good when I overlooked his control issues, but as Marian Williamson says, when a child is playing with scissors and the scissors are taken away the child will cry. That doesn't mean you don't still take away the scissors. Sometimes acting out of love for someone doesn't feel loving.

It appears to me that these are your options: a) risk your life and the baby's and do it his way b) make your choices out of love - do whatever you feel must be done medically for your sake and the baby's and deal with his coldness/anger etc.

If he leaves you over this that's his choice. You have no control over this. He could leave you anyway,regardless of what you do.

You can't convince *him* that these are medical choices but you still have the responsibility of your own life and your baby's.

I know the feelings involved are not easy. These people can be like Jekyl and Hyde. But this is your life - when you are 100 years old will you look back and be proud of your choices?

Be strong. Take small steps if you need to.

I send my prayers to you.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 04, 2000

S1

Do you have any links to information on how to work with youths that are involved in alcohol and drugs? Ages 12-17... I have an opportunity to work at an agency where the courts mandate them to treatment. Thank you for your help...and advise...

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 18, 2000

S1

Hello; When he has a problem trying to use his computer he wants me to drop what I am doing and rush into his room and fix it for his - he does not care what I am doing, or might want to do. If I do not immediately respond, then he starts with the poor me stuff - how everything happens to him and he can't do anything right and should just pack up and go down the road - on and on and on! What a bunch of c**p! I am trying to run a business - I sell on the internet and simply do not have the time to "FIX" everything that goes wrong for him - I am having a hard time trying to know what to say to him - can you help?? Thank you.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 03, 2000

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 03, 2000

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 10, 2000

S1

I don't know if anyone is reading this but...

I am separated and therefore am negotiating settlements and agreements with Himself. When ever this man wants something, he does not ask but simply dictates, in a most obnoxious manner, his requirements, while making his problem other people's problem. E.g. in his most recent post, he tells me that I need to make alternative arrangements for his telephone calls to his daughter. Actually, I don't need to change the arrangement at all -- the present time suits me just fine. HE is the one who is moving to a different time zone and needs to be accommodated. He dismisses my (legitimate) concerns as "excuses".

Here's the catch-22: He is obnoxious, therefore I refuse to be bullied and say no (not until he asks nicely, anyway). My refusal is then used as a basis to threaten me with court. If I give in to his abuse, he wins -- he was obnoxious and got what he wanted.. If I don't give in, and stand my ground, I lose -- I appear unreasonable and he can use a powerful 3rd party to make me do what he wants. Again, he has won by being obnoxious.

How can I get out of this trap? Any suggestions out there?

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, August 21, 2000

S1

"You avoid me by going out." Yes (Think: its alright to have time to myself.)

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2000

S1

I've lived that whole story. I remember making eggplant parmesan one night which was a big deal for me since I don't really know how to cook. I was so excited because I was trying something new & thought he would be pleased & was looking forward to serving my new dish. Well, my husband walked in the apartment & the first thing he said was, "What stinks?" He refused to eat my eggplant parmesan (which, as it turns out was quite tasty!)& went straight to bed, only after complaining about me, the messy apartment, how I did nothing all day, how his job was so much harder than mine, & how I should be lucky to have him, etc... So I can relate to a lot of these stories. According to him, I didn't know how to do anything right & all his problems stemmed from me. Well, I started believing all this & it did a number on my self-esteem. I didn't have the strength to stand up to him anymore. He used to go on for hours with these abusive monologues. I knew better than to try to fight back. I remember several times saying, "It doesn't matter what I say. You're just gonna tell me I'm wrong." I guess there must have been some shred of self-respect left cuz I knew it couldn't continue - especially when I found another woman's coat in his car, who he claimed was just a friend & he'd given her a lift home. That was the final straw. We both agreed it wasn't working. We have been divorced for over a year now (& he now lives w/the famous coat woman!) I cannot tell you how much better my life is today. It was SO hard at first though. I kept wondering if I'd done the right thing. I had such a bad opinion of myself that I thought maybe no one could love me. I was afraid because I'm in my 30s & worried about missing out on the childbearing years. All these "what ifs" were going through my brain after I moved into my own place. I started drinking every night, alone. Then I had a nervous breakdown. After all those years of my ex saying "You don't have the right to feel angry, sad, upset, etc..." the walls came down. I had been so numb for so long & this violent rage swept through my body & all I could do was let it pass. I realize now it wasn't a breakdown but a breakthrough! Soon after I started going to AA for my alcoholism. It is so wonderful to have the support of other people who are like me. I have learned many life-altering tools through the program & through books (especially TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TO BAD TO STAY) & now I wonder how I stayed as long as I did in such an unhealthy relationship. Probably because my own self-image was unhealthy. Now I try not to let anything upset my serenity. I realize it's a BIG DEAL just to take care of myself - i.e. get enough sleep, eat right, find time to do things I like, allow myself to feel... My life has done an about face! I don't beat myself up for making small mistakes (that used to cause a snowball effect & lead to a downward spiral of self-pity.) Today I live in the solution. Thank you for your site. It's so empowering!

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, November 07, 2000

S1

Usually after an episode takes place I don't feel like interacting with him in anyway...so I don't speak to him even when he says something to me... So you see I can't win,one way or the other...if I don't respond to his verbal abuse he gets worse... And if I don't respond to him speaking to me the next day...He starts again...????What to do

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, November 07, 2000

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, November 24, 2000

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, November 25, 2000

S1

You can't do anything right!

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, December 04, 2000

S1

So what do you want me to do leave?

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, December 13, 2000

S1

 

I would like to submit some rhetorical food for thought. There seems to be a lot of catch-phrase advice here for dealing with an abuser. One of the common ones seems to be used alot is "If you burn your hand on the stove, you take your hand away from the stove," i.e., if you are being abused, get out of there, get away from it. I think this analogy is flawed for one major reason. You aren't in love with the stove. I would like to find some comments and advice around here for the problem of still loving your abuser, which makes it pretty hard to leave, walk away, etc.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, December 18, 2000

S1

You need help. The courts will see you are mental! I am the victim here.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, December 20, 2000

S1

This is so cool I did this exact thing to my abuser last night. This means I am learning how to take care of myself and protect my reality. Leigh

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 04, 2001

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 11, 2001

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 23, 2001

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 24, 2001

S1

I just found this website and it appears that you are no longer answering questions. Well, I appreciate you leaving the board up. It has been helpful - I've just left a verbally abusive (to me) and physically abusive (to my child) relationship. At first I felt guilty - especially because I had been advised (by a therapist) to leave without notice. Anyway, it seems that I have a lot more issues to deal with that I had originally thought - Thanks for the info. H.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 24, 2001

S1

I wish I had the option of leaving my abuser. I can't, she's my MOM!

"You don't care about anyone else but yourself!" (We're in later stages of recovery.)

"You don't care that I go home and cry all night!"

"You're just like your father, cruel and heartless."

"Sometimes I think you don't have any feelings at all!" (No, I've just gotten really good at disengaging!)

"I don't know how I could have raised such a cruel person!"

"I sent you a big box of gifts for Christmas and I didn't have anything from you!" (Never mind you asked for a popular item, had to wait in line just to get in the stupid store. Waited till after holidaze to purchase and mail. And I specifically told you not to get me anything!)

"How does it feel to be treated like sh*t on your birthday?" (I'm not really sure, my husband treated me like a princess. You're the one the treated me like garbage.)

"Your wedding just killed me, all I could see were dollar signs everywhere." (Funny, ours was a lot less pricey than your FAILED marraige.)

"I don't really think you got married at all. You hurt a lot of people with that awful ceremony." (Gosh, the State of * considers us married, regardless of what type of ceremony we had. Most of our friends really enjoyed our ceremony. If you thought ours was bad, you should have seen the Zen ceremony some friends of ours had!)

Pony

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 24, 2001

S1

Regarding the last post about my Mom:

I didn't actually say the things in parenthesis, I wanted to but I kept my mouth shut. I just sort of shut down and let her holler.

That's all.

Pony

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 25, 2001

S1

Dear Dr. Irene, thank you for this site. It is very informative. Please help. My question is, My husband is very verbally abusive to me and my children. I hate it. But he can be a real sweetheart when he wants. He gives us everything we want, except emotional understanding and closeness. And he at times is a very good father. Even in a divorce our children would still spend time with him. So, am I obligated, for my children,to keep this family together, or leave? They are 8 and 11. We have been married for 15 yrs. And this marriage has allways been this way. I dont know why I stayed, except for the children. I listen to Dr. Laura often. And it sounds like her advise would be "That the children need an intact family unless the verbal abuse is to bad." But I feel I have been alone all these years. I often sleep on the couch when he is so distant. His response is "Good more room in the bed for me". Ouch. When he hurts me (mental) and I cry, he is even more cold and distant. Then the next day or two, we all get up and Im still hurt, but he acts like everythings normal. That just kills me. Oh sure sometimes he says hes sorry, but now I think "so what its just gonna happen again". I feel now that I dont love him any longer and I have been fooling myself to long. But I feel my children would be hurt more if I divorce him now, than if I do my best to put up a good front and pretend Im happy, for them. My hope is that eventually hed see what he is doing, and change or grow up, and just love me. He has gotten a little better with age, since we first married. Please Dr. is there hope? or am I wasting my life. Sometimes I feel like I have alot to be thankful for, and Im just being selfish. When I look around at all the single, divorced, poor, struggeling, broken familys, and basicly fatherless children. Dont I owe it to them? Sorry so long. Lonely in Il. PLEASE respond!

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 05, 2001

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, February 09, 2001

S1

The other day, my husband got so angry at me, for what I believed to be "nothing". If you have a moment I will explain. My Husband sleeps on the couch, every night. For some reason he doesn't come to bed, like "normal", or what I believe to be normal husbands. We have a 7 year old boy, and an 18 month old girl, and I get up with them at 7:00am, to get my 7 year old ready for school. My husband has been out of work on an injury related to his wrist, since June. He thinks that all should remain quiet until "he" is ready to awake. I think this is totally unreasonable. This leads us to the other morning. My son was making noise, my daughter was jumping up and down in her excersauser (spelling) making noise, and I walked by the couch, and he jumped up, and told me that I had better not wake him up like this ever again. Then proceded to call me a bitch, and tell me I sucked as a mother, and that I made him sick, and he wished I was dead sometimes! I have never been so hurt in my life. I said, under my breath that I wanted a divorce, and he just said "what ever". So, I got my son off to school, and grabed my daughter, and left for the day. When I returned home, my husband was gone, (who knows where) and there was a note on the counter, it said, "sorry about what I said this morning, I didn't mean it". And he signed his name. Not love you, or I will never do that again. Or excactly what he was sorry for. The fact that he thinks I'm a bad mom, that I make him sick, that he wished me dead? This kind of verbal abuse has been going on for 10 years now, but this is the first time he ever wished me dead. I'm still reeling from it. I don't know what to do anymore, and I don't think I can forgive him this time. He always acts like nothing ever happened the next day. I just don't know what to do..........

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, February 20, 2001

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, February 27, 2001

S1

thank you for your web-site.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, February 28, 2001

S1

I am a married woman late 30's with 2 children aged 2 & 5 he is very abusive calling me a f... c..., stupid , dumb, no good and always threatening to leave then I find myself begging him to stay crying and telling him not to. But now my main concern is my kids they are starting to hear he doesnt care if it starts at 5 in the morning or 8 at night he tries to ignore me, then I find myself trying to get him to talk which makes it worse he has alot of pressure self employed but now I feel that all I do is make excuses for his every action If you dont answer the submissions how will I know what to do Im feeling lost and helpless help me

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 05, 2001

S1

 

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 05, 2001

S1

"I've had it with your bitching and he also tends to walk away when I want to express how i feel about something. He always walks away. He'd rather spend more time with his friends than with me. He always says its my fault, that I like to argue. That's not true. I believe were in a relationship and should resolve the problem by discussing it talking. He has never once invited me with him when he goes out on the weekends to go to party's etc. And we been dating for 3 years. He has told me I use to be ugly and that i was picking up a little weight in my legs. Im a little person! I only weight 115lb, Im almost 21, and I am aproxmatley 5'5" tall. Im tired of arguing. He says he loves me and there is times we do have fun. HE was phsically,mentally,verbally, and I think sexually abused as a child does this have alot to do with how he acts now. How can he get help. He doesnt have any money to hire a doctor Help, amber

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 05, 2001

S1

"I've had it with your bitching and he also tends to walk away when I want to express how i feel about something. He always walks away. He'd rather spend more time with his friends than with me. He always says its my fault, that I like to argue. That's not true. I believe were in a relationship and should resolve the problem by discussing it talking. He has never once invited me with him when he goes out on the weekends to go to party's etc. And we been dating for 3 years. He has told me I use to be ugly and that i was picking up a little weight in my legs. Im a little person! I only weight 115lb, Im almost 21, and I am aproxmatley 5'5" tall. Im tired of arguing. He says he loves me and there is times we do have fun. HE was phsically,mentally,verbally, and I think sexually abused as a child does this have alot to do with how he acts now. How can he get help. He doesnt have any money to hire a doctor Help, amber

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 11, 2001

S1

Hello board, Me and my husband has these issues, here's where I am right now I am needing something here if anyone has anything to say about this, please do. My husband is in the armed services, he left one year ago, and ever since he's left he kept saying "are you being good"? Meaning was I messing around. He asked this everytime he called which was at least 3-4 times a day. And where he was there's a 23 hour difference. He did'nt want me to go out saying that so many marriages are on the rocks because wives are finding lovers and such. He did'nt like to many of my friends ( friend ), I don't claim to have many he went through my e-mail and told one of them to not e-mail me anymore, then thought about what he had done and says" you can call her if you want to". I did'nt I felt so humiliated. Any way around the end of April he calls me and says his good friend who is female and has been taking him to church to find the lord, is wanting to have sex with him, and he did'nt know what to do, I told him to just remind her he's married, with kids. He goes" I met here a year ago". I calmly told him to just brush her off. I could feel he was looking for a more angry response, at that time I did'nt. Anyway I went to the computer and e-mailed her a good nastygram. Her feelings for him had grown enormously over the year. She felt obligated to tell me I was disrespectful of my husband. I e-mailed him and asked him, about this he says "oh, nothing happened" so I'm thinking, this is just him again trying to make me jealous, respond, or just get outrageous and mad, well I was but not about his realtionship with her, no it was for the calling and harrassment and asking me was I "good" to me insinuating Im cheating, I felt how dare you think that when you're the only one!! If I had a male friend for over a year, he'd be on the first plane back with outrage following behind him!! what I am asking is, was this a major stunt for controll or possibly really seeking that sexual lonliness peak??

Chris

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 16, 2001

S1

I'm going to get a divorce. I'm going to go out and have some fun at a strip joint. I was talking to one of the girls at the strip joint and she listens.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 17, 2001

S1

I have a 26 year old son. He has a 4month girl and is doing the same thing my father did with me. Wishing she was never born, when she is fussy calls her a whinny bitch. The child was very colicy and I tried to help, she responded to me but he said he was not going to let a child control him. He has always been verbaly abusive and I now realize from your article I was a controlling care/giver. All the problems seem to be with females, me, his sister, his female teachers and my mother.He told me to leave his house and we have not spoken since than. I think I need to detach from the situation and let him raise his daughter. I only make matters worse.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 19, 2001

S1

That isn't what you said-That isn't what you meant! You saaid this and you meant this. You just don't remember it right. Reverse: That isn't what I said, ect.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, May 27, 2001

S1

When I can not stand talking to him anymore, he threatens me. eg: "You had better start talking to be, or there are going to be consequences" I ask for him to to threaten me, and he argues with me, telling me that it is not even a threat, and that he is not threatening me. What can I possibly say????

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, June 14, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, July 11, 2001

S1

You think? Posed as a comment or a question. I know it is a putdown, I have just been saying, yes, I do. Most times it doesn't work.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, July 11, 2001

S1

You never change, nag, nag, nag, I can talk to you anymore!

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, July 11, 2001

S1

I have a disabling form of athritis and have applied for disability (at my husband's urging as well as my Dr.'s) Now, he is saying I married him 2 years ago to take him for a ride, I am a free-loader and I could be working...do I just ignore his remark or say "ok" to this as well as the above replies?

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, August 08, 2001

S1

get over it

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, August 19, 2001

S1

You take me for granted.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, August 21, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, September 02, 2001

S1

If I do not engage, as my abuser wants me to he will say, "Don't you have anything to say?" "Why don't you say something" I will say that don't have anything to say right now, he will continue to ask "why not" then will say nasty things to me like "You never have anything to say, you don't bring much to the table. You don't know anything, how could you have anything to say?" My abuser will tell me to "get out, I don't want you in my life" whenever I have a valid point. (we do not live together anymore, but I visit him"

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, September 02, 2001

S1

If I do not engage, as my abuser wants me to he will say, "Don't you have anything to say?" "Why don't you say something" I will say that don't have anything to say right now, he will continue to ask "why not" then will say nasty things to me like "You never have anything to say, you don't bring much to the table. You don't know anything, how could you have anything to say?" My abuser will tell me to "get out, I don't want you in my life" whenever I have a valid point. (we do not live together anymore, but I visit him"

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, September 15, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, October 05, 2001

S1

MY ABUSER ALWAYS COMMENTS HOW I ADD NOTHING TO HIS LIFE BUT HE PROVIDES ALL THIS LUXARY(HOUSE,CAR,ETC. AT LEAST ONCE AWEEK HE TELLS ME TO LEAVE. 3-4 TIMES A MONTH THE DIVORCE WORD IS THREATENED. I TELL HIM TO BEGIN THE PROCESS,THEN OF COARSE I'M THE BITCH WHO WANTS TO TAKE ALL HIS MONEY.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, October 06, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, October 19, 2001

S1

Me: I can take care of my son you don't need to take him everywhere, he can stay with me. "you can't even take care of yourself I'm not leaving him with you." I was in a bad car accident, I have some injuries, but can still walk, talk and care for and love my child. These things are said in front of my son. It is so painful I am always reduced to tears and I can't seem to get any time with my son alone.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, October 31, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, November 01, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, November 28, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 22, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, December 27, 2001

S1

It's all about you. You are so selfish.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, January 27, 2002

S1

My abusive husband talks roughly and scathingly to the children. He is less aggressive with me because he knows that I have the upper hand--leaving him. He simply could not function without me and he knows it. I think that bothers him but I don't throw it up to him.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, February 09, 2002

S1

You are stupid.You are nothing without me.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, February 09, 2002

S1

my husband of ten years (no children by him) i have 2 by a previous marriage, he is ten years younger than me. He has been arrested for hitting me and I lied because he said he would kill me, so the cops let him out. he comes from a metally ill mother and sisters that are all disturbed. I am scared to go out into the world again, it has been too long. I am very scared of him and his mother and sisters have threatened to kill me. I do not know what to do.... i want to leave but sometimes i think maybe its me... what do you sugest to do?

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 25, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, March 03, 2002

S1

"Now my whole day off is ruined again because of you"

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, March 03, 2002

S1

"Now my whole day off is ruined again because of you"

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, March 03, 2002

S1

He always says i'm the one that is crazy. He shoots me the finger. He always ends a fight in Fuck you bitch.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, March 03, 2002

S1

He always says i'm the one that is crazy. He shoots me the finger. He always ends a fight in Fuck you bitch.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 04, 2002

S1

he says your the one that has a problem. and always ends with fuck you.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 04, 2002

S1

he says your the one that has a problem. and always ends with fuck you.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 04, 2002

S1

he says your the one that has a problem. and always ends with fuck you.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 04, 2002

S1

he says your the one that has a problem. and always ends with fuck you.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 04, 2002

S1

he says i am the one thats got a problem

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 04, 2002

S1

he says i am the one thats got a problem

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, March 07, 2002

S1

I feel frustrated with my fiance often. I don't think he listens to me and when he does it seems he turns it into a personal fault. When I try to difuse the situation by giving short easy answers like the above he gets angry. When I try to change the subject or point out that the argument is over something unimportant (you said/I heard) he gets angry. When I try to leave the room or house he gets angry. He repeats his questions to get me to tell him he is handling the situation accuratedly and I agree, he gets angry. What can I do.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, March 13, 2002

S1

i have been with my boyfriend for a year. he has slapped me and beat me with his hands and belts. he wants to marry me but now i am unsure. i am now 6 months pregnant and he has been in jail for 4 months. i love him but i still fear him. he says he will change. how do i know if he really will be different when he comes home. he is suppose to be home in a month. i miss him but the good him and i am scared if he will raise his hand again. what should i do?

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, March 21, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, March 21, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 01, 2002

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B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 01, 2002

S1

I have had a verbally abusive father for 41 years. I have to say after reading this website, I have a new hope for the future. I have read all of the e-mails, and it seems that they all have one thing in common, we, the victims seem to put up with a lot of bad behavior from people. I am still not sure why we lack the confidence to just walk away from abusive people, but I know that is where it stems from and having the actual skills to walk away. I am so glad I found this site, it has answered a lot of questions. If you are a victim of an abuser, count the costs of what it would take for you to not have that person in your life anymore. More often than not, the cost is greater to have them in your life abusing you than not. Get away from them if you can, they will destroy your self-esteem, and self-confidence and who you are, and they don't change unless they get help!!!

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 03, 2002

S1

You ALWAYS do ....

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 03, 2002

S1

What about YOUR problem

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, April 05, 2002

S1

When daughter is needing disipline and he handles it with constant harrasing and I tell him to stop. He then says, Why can't I tell her what to do and you can. If I say I don't know and leave it at that, he walks away...

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 13, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 15, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 17, 2002

S1

I live with someone with bad mood swings and very verbally abusive

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 17, 2002

S1

I live with someone with bad mood swings and very verbally abusive

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 22, 2002

S1

I've read through some of these "answers" but what about when you respond like saying ok, and then he just rants on about how you never listen to him, or that "See, why do you have to cop an attitude right away?" "This is why I never want to talk about my feelings to you." Yeah right, everything he yells about are how "his" feelings were hurt. sue

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 22, 2002

S1

I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 3 years. He is sarcastic at my expense and others. He enjoys verbal sparring and is very good at subtle verbal jabs or cut downs. He has never called me a name but I still feel like his behavior is abusive. Am I overreacting? When he seemingly innocently cuts me down I am extremely hurt. Is this behavior something that can be rectified with counseling? Please give me some advice - I don't know what to do anymore.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 22, 2002

S1

I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 3 years. He is sarcastic at my expense and others. He enjoys verbal sparring and is very good at subtle verbal jabs or cut downs. He has never called me a name but I still feel like his behavior is abusive. Am I overreacting? When he seemingly innocently cuts me down I am extremely hurt. Is this behavior something that can be rectified with counseling? Please give me some advice - I don't know what to do anymore.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 24, 2002

S1

He says, you are incapable of logical thought

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, April 26, 2002

S1

You're so sensitive, you jump to conclusions

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 29, 2002

S1

These recommended "OK" answers are great. I need to start practicing them and being more aware of when the abuse is happening to me. I have been going through your site for a couple of days, and I feel so much better about getting a handle on what is going on in my marriage.

I believe I am involved with an extremely covert abuser. The reason he is even more covert than most covert abusers is that, as I was thinking he must be a very mild form of a verbal abuser, I realized he is just way more "covert" than most, because he doesn't do it all the time or even every day. This way he can really spring things on me when I least expect it.

He is one who loves to churn things up just when the relationship seems to be going great. He will always throw these, what I have always called "false accusations" at me, and then I feel in a position to defend myself against these ridiculous senseless unrealistic comments. He is extremely cruel, gets me going, and then says to the children, see boys what I have to put up with?

I need some advice on dealing with these things. I need a list of responses to memorize and practice instead of my old predictable ways. I do sometimes surprise myself and him, when I am actually thinking calmly enough to beat him at this little game. Please send me some more advice on how I can control my reactions.

Jane.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, April 29, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 06, 2002

S1

I want to talk about somthing he did disrespectfully to me and he says are you going to start whining again ?

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 08, 2002

S1

"You are always in a bad mood".

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 09, 2002

S1

"Abuser: "You don't care about me." Me: "I won't argue with you when you've been drinking." Abuser: "Typical. You never want to talk. You close up. You don't love me." Me: "I won't argue with you when you've been drinking. I'm going to sleep." Abuser: Go on, run away then. You don't care about me. Just go to sleep and don't worry about what your abuser is saying. Nothing you say will be right. There's nothing you can do about it - other than get into a fight. " Thanks, this is word for word what goes on at my house! Thanks for this site!

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 16, 2002

S1

I did try these non-engaging methods with my husband, and he seemed to get worse. It made him angrier when I didn't argue back. He started telling me I was detached and 'in another world'. Then he would try to make me feel guilty by telling me that he was hurt, and didn't 'feel close anymore' and that I was 'destroying our love'. And I would feel guilty, like I was the one being emotionally abusive! Anyway I could go on and on...

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 21, 2002

S1

It's all your fault.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 23, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 23, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 28, 2002

S1

YOU DON'T RESPECT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 29, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, June 06, 2002

S1

"ALL YOU DO IS LIE" OR "YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY- BODY BUT YOURSELF"

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 09, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 16, 2002

S1

Hi My abuser does 2 yhings that really destroy me .He yells real loud about simple things. I started not being assertive about smaall things for this reason. Now Im letting large things go. He names every goog ting he has ever done if I complain about anything. He constantlt monotors me while Im working,cooking them makes critical remarks (Your going to break that)Once I had cleaned the whole house.I was packing something to send thru the mail.I dropped some packing material on the floor he retorted (Your going to mess up the whole house) Thanks so much.Im at the end of my rope cant afford therapy at this time. went from a size 8 to size 4 in a few months,Cant stop crying. Thank You L pearl orleansbywater@aol.com

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 16, 2002

S1

Hi My abuser does 2 yhings that really destroy me .He yells real loud about simple things. I started not being assertive about smaall things for this reason. Now Im letting large things go. He names every goog ting he has ever done if I complain about anything. He constantlt monotors me while Im working,cooking them makes critical remarks (Your going to break that)Once I had cleaned the whole house.I was packing something to send thru the mail.I dropped some packing material on the floor he retorted (Your going to mess up the whole house) Thanks so much.Im at the end of my rope cant afford therapy at this time. went from a size 8 to size 4 in a few months,Cant stop crying. Thank You L pearl orleansbywater@aol.com

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, August 09, 2002

S1

My husband uses the pharse"Timing is everything" no matter when or what I need to talk or share with him. I mean if I walk into the bedroom and he is lying on the bed reading and I am bubbling over with the greatest feeling to share with him, he rolls his eyes back and looks up at the ceiling with a comment and he doesn't even know what I want to share with him. When I try to share he starts the accuse and blame game. I have tryed your one liners and he is good, he comes back with comments and I have no idea how to respond.One excuse after another of why. Help!!!!

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, August 24, 2002

S1

"There's nothing wrong with our relationship, you're wrong! I don't know who you've been talking to!" "Is that dress the right size?" "How nice you look in your robe this morning" "Maybe our friends can't come over because their mad. Did you say anything to them?"

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, August 26, 2002

S1

"What is wrong with you?" "I forget, I have to remember my place" "I'm not yelling at you" "I'm not the one complaining" "Do you think it is appropiate that you did...."-after he has been abusive. "You don't know what you are talking about" "I did not do that"

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, August 28, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, September 03, 2002

S1

I am 65 years old and have been married to an abusive man for 46 years. We have been to counseling and the counselor said to him If your behavior isnt working why do you keep doing it She said he is a child and wants me to take care of him when Im hurt. He can say the most outragous remarks and act the victim. Ive discovered no matter what he says when the attack is over, how sorry, how terrible he feels (he feels) the abuse never changes. I appreciate the help you give in responding to his rages. Im simple doing something else right now rather than defend myself or ask him to stop. He is so self-absorbed (like trubble) he seems unable to stop. So Im changing my responses to I see, OK Time out Yeah Thats interesting, Cant talk now lets do it later and walk away. thats really good just walk away when I realize all he wants is control and isnt the least bit concerned about how what he is saying affects me. Why should I engage in a raging arguement with someone who not only doesnt care but takes everything i say as bait to play the victim. There are not victims and Im going to do my best to do whats good for me and avoid senseless arguments with someone is isnt being rational thanks for your help with answereing what to say to an abusive man. nightowlmom@juno.com

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 04, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 04, 2002

S1

The only true way to deal with an abuser is not to deal with him at all. Say what you mean and mean what you same. Leave them alone with their mouth in their lap. Walk out. Life is way to short and to good to be wasted. These people are easy to get over. Thanks for your web site!

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, September 11, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 12, 2002

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B1: Submit
Date: Monday, September 16, 2002

S1

Here's the script I deal with. My husband dumped my child and I in a parking lot on a cross country move. I visited him once, trying to keep the family together, but after not sleeping with him one night, he told me I could not live in "his house." Now, to save his job as an army chaplain, he is telling everyone I refuse to live with him. In fact, he does tell me he wants me down there, but says he "can't promise" how long I can stay, can't have access to money, will "discipline" my son as he pleases (with hard frequent whippings and put downs) etc. I tell him I won't move there until/unless there is a safe environment for me and my child. He ignores this and acts like he's been abandoned, trying it seems to make a case to divorce me where he won't get in trouble. I kept trying to talk to him and others about this but everything I said was twisted. His superior was very disrespectful to me, saying "so you say" or "he says the same about you" to everything I said. He kept interupting me and shouting "Listen to me!" but he didn't listen to me. He didn't have a clue what was really going on. It was degrading and a waste of my time to talk to this man who should have been trying to help. I was advised not to talk to him or any of my husband's superiors because they'd been so snowed by my husband's Mr. Rogers act. I had been earlier advised to just have my own life and forget him, but instead i tried to fix everything, to defend myself, to encourage my husband to do the right thing. I tried it for four months and go no positive results beyond getting some support and most of my belongings. But, the emotional cost was high. I keep reading the signs of verbal abuse and codependency over and over so I can keep my head straight and move ahead. I have little money now but I can make it if I hustle. Trying to talk to him about the problems, trying to understand him, trying to fix things didn't work. He didn't want things to be fixed. He wanted things to be the same as in his previous disastrous marriage so he could be perfect to the outside world and vent his anger to his family, wondering why his kids were turning out to be so delinquent, truant, and abusive to one another. He wanted me to read the script his ex-wife had read for many years. But, I didn't. And, now I've finally stopped defending myself to him and am moving on. Why should I care what he or his cronies think of me? They are abusive and not appropriate judges of my character? I pay attention to people whose lives and behavior I respect. And, those people encourage me to have my own life and enjoy it, leaving my abusive husband to his own devices and trusting God for my step-daughter's well-being.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, September 26, 2002

S1

My parents have been divorced since i was 7 years old, i lived with my mom until my summer before my freshman year. I began to see that my dad had nothing but complaints for me since i have moved in with him, i make dinner every night i do the house work and i am expected to get straits A's in everyone of my classes. I am over weight and so was my father up until a few months ago, i have heard nothing else besides that fact that i sit around on my ass all day while he works, i do nothing except eat accourding to him and he doesnt understand why i can't get motivated to loose the weight. HELP what do i do?

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, October 10, 2002

S1

"If you don't like the way I treat you go marry a bum." "Your sick and insecure." I don't care what you want. I don't care what you, think, feel, do or say, I don't want to be with you anymore." "You complain about every little thing, I've been planning on walking out on you for the past month." "Please don't start! Not Again!" "What do you want, I'm busy!" "Your like a radio" "You talk to much and I have a headache" "I don't love you anymore" "I don't want to come home if you want to talk to me" "Ignoring?" "I hate my life" "If you don't leave me alone I will brake this house apart" "one day your going to look back and Your going to be crying I promise you" "I am not going to apologize" "I didn't do anything" "Your dad abused you and now your throwing it on me" "I am so tired of this and tired of you"

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, October 14, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, October 31, 2002

S1

Listen,you stupid little bitch!

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, November 12, 2002

S1

He says: If you don't like it, leave. Inside I think: "not without my kids" at that point he'll start pushing me towards the door but he never opens it, and I keep saying "No, What do I say or do at that point?

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, November 14, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, November 15, 2002

S1

you're a user,, with no amibtion and little capability. stop freeloading on my --- Stop freeloading on my --- and get busy .. or else.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, November 19, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, December 02, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 10, 2002

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 13, 2002

S1

These are a GREAT help! You don't laugh at my jokes the way you used to. You don't find me apealing anymore. You don't love me. How many men flirted with you while you were in town?

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 14, 2003

S1

how do you respond whe he screams "shut the fuck up "at you?

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 27, 2003

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, February 07, 2003

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, February 16, 2003

S1

My name is Leah I have three children. Four if you count Dale (my fiance).I am so tired. I stayed up with the baby all night.(he is sick). I got up at about 7 this morining. He wouldn't get up. He didn't once offer to help with the baby. I left him alone and let him sleep. He finally got up. Still no offer to help me. The baby finally took a nap at about 2:30 so I went to lay down (Dale had already fallen asleep on the couch). The baby only slept about an hour so I came in to ask Dale if he would please watch him for a little while so I could just get a little more sleep before we go to church tonight. He said "I guess". Then he went back to sleep. I kept trying to plead with him to help me. He said "not right now". I was trying to explain to him that there wasn't much time. I needed him to take the baby now. Then he yelled at me " OK you are being a fucking Bitch, go!!" I just got the baby and went to my room to cry. I am so tired.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 17, 2003

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 17, 2003

S1

"If you loved me you would just be with me!" "You just don't understand do you?" "Everyone else I talked to about this thinks I am right."

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, February 25, 2003

S1

if you don't do what i say you have to leave

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, February 26, 2003

S1

How do you not engage in a lecture. My abuser will begin with "Listen T, You do this, you do that etc., etc., you never see all that I do, I do this, I do that etc., etc., on and on and on and on. These lectures always end up with "I don't bring this up, but you even...." He then goes into accusations that he has CREATED of affairs that never happened. Of course these have been discussed at the beginning (over 15 years ago), "forgiven" and life has moved on.... UNTIL he doesn't get the response from me that he needs. I usually will let him rant until he brings the created affairs into the lecture, at this time I get up and walk away. (I usually will yell at him enough already, shut-up and just stop this or something of this nature as I am walking) I would much rather find a way to cut him off before he actually gets started good. I can always tell this is going to be one of those lectures - (he can keep them going for a whole hour without me saying one word) You can guess how long they lasted when I used to engage and defend. I feel a lot of damage still occurs, by letting him get as far as he does into his lecture. Suggestions? Tamara

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, February 27, 2003

S1

I have tried some of these things and it seems to make it worse. I just sit and take it all in.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, March 05, 2003

S1

I need some advice--The abuser that I most often have to deal w/is my mother-in-law--now, I know, I need to try to get along w/her--she is after all,my husband's mother--he is in major denial about how nasty she is & reasons it away w/the fact that she is right in what she says--he gives me no supprt--hwta do I say to her when she, berates my dead parents for example, or puts down my sister or brother, or brother-in-law? I would appreciate any ideas. Thanks You Teri K

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, March 09, 2003

S1

When my husband gets in a pissy mood and I want to disengage, he will stand in front of our 6 mo old daughter and say things like:"your mother is stupid", or "your mother is an idiot and doesn't even know how to...bla-bla-bla...a". She watches him smiling. How do I respond to THAT? Helenitsa

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, March 27, 2003

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, March 28, 2003

S1

I can't seem to make you understand. Nothing is good enough for you.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 08, 2003

S1

My boyfriend picks fights about petty things. I try to be compliant, still, quiet...it doesn't matter. What I want to know is what is a good way to respond when he confronts me about something silly (like leaving the phone off the cradle) and stares me down waiting for some kind of response? I always feel nervous and no matter what I say it comes out sounding all quivery and does nothing for me. He does this all the time and I've observed how he does it with others...how do they let him get away with it? I just want to kill him when he does it (at least once a day).

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 16, 2003

S1

I just wanted to say that I went online right after a fight that is still going on (since he walked away and went to bed after calling me names, then telling me just how little I contribute, and telling me to "go away he's done talking to me"). I know that his behavior is not "normal". No matter how much he loved me 5 minutes ago and claimed to care about me all that is subject to change in 5 minutes if we disagree on something. I knew it was bad, but after checking off 25 signs of abuse on your list, I realize it's worse than I thought. Your sight is helping me a lot tonight. Thank you for all the information. I now know how to not feed the fire. This is his problem, and I need to stop making it mine. Sherri

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 17, 2003

S1

correction to my previous post. I checked off 35 signs of abuse on your list. Sherri

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 17, 2003

S1

Situation: Husband travels a lot. He said he would be coming home on Friday. I told him I planned to go with my cousin to visit the cemetery on Friday...believing that "coming home" meant "traveling"...therefore giving me time to visit the cemetery before he got home. He said in a sarcastic tone, "Well, I don't want to interrupt your plans. I'll just drive straight through to Michigan." I explained that I wanted him home and that I wanted to go to MI with him per previous plan (he's very insecure) to which he responded "I'll make arrangements to pick you up." Other common statements: "You are the most selfish person I ever met." (Usually thrown into whatever got him started in the first place. Most "discussions" involve a reiteration of every complaint he has had for the last 25 years.) "Who were you talking to, your boyfriend?" (Anytime the line is busy when he tries to call.) BTW, I have never cheated on him. "Out with your boyfriend again?" (Anytime he can't reach me by phone.) "Don't you want to be with me?" (Stated or implied anytime I do something with family or girlfriends.) "You have a brain. You make the decision." (Of course, my decision always turns out to be wrong.) He rarely feels like having people over nor like going to someone else's home. When he's home I feel smothered. I worked for 20 years. When I was working, I was accused of spending too much time at work. When I wasn't working, "since you're not working" is always thrown in my face. (He didn't want me to get another job because he is afraid I will "meet someone.")

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, April 23, 2003

S1

"OK, Poor Yoouuuuuuuuu, You're such a victim."

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 05, 2003

S1

Hi, My name is Debbie and i have been abused. Mentally and beaten in my face broke bones and teeth out.How am I to keep from going back.?

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 17, 2003

S1

How about... get out of my house. When you just moved in a month and a half ago and you have no where to go. Plus you have a child. Then when you decide to finally leave he crys.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 17, 2003

S1

How about... get out of my house. When you just moved in a month and a half ago and you have no where to go. Plus you have a child. Then when you decide to finally leave he crys. tigerlilly28@lycos.com

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 21, 2003

S1

yes, you are right.(think: to bad you're the only one who thinks so!) This is to help disengage and de-escalate...

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, June 01, 2003

S1

if you dont like it, get out. this is my house and you are just excessive baggage ...or the mother to my daughter i will just evict you.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, August 17, 2003

S1

You always win, so why bother?

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