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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

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12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

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8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for Crazy-Beautiful

Comments:  Crazy-Beautiful

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2002. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Monday November 18, 2002

Dear Beautifull, Just look how far you have come and be proud! I know how this feels, my h left me as well, and only after that did I realize what had been ging on in our relationship all the time. ACtually it was the best thing that ever happenend though me, though I have wished many times the wisdom I gained could have been gained in a less painfull way.... yet I think we learn the most though our pain, cause it breaks down our defenses. Fortunatly, my H started changing as well adn we did get back together. Though our relationship is far from perfect, there has been a lot of change. Both of us still fall beak to former abusive or conrolling behaviour, but we are ever so much better in realising when we do and calling each other on it. We talk, like we never did before and what did it for me was the realization that I could live without him and still be happy. So I did not NEED him as much anymore and did not need to control him anymore. I can accept nothing is for ever, though it may last a livetime. It's a paradox I have come to understand and that really set me free of fear. I think in order to make any change for a reconciliation, if that is what you still want, is to let go of him. To accept he has gone his own way and you have gone yours. You can never force him to love you. You can love yourself and be happy on your own. I think filing for divorce would help you let go of the expections you ay still have towards reconcilation. It will help you to go forward in living your own live, without abuse. And who knows, he may want to participate... Love, AJ

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Monday November 18, 2002

Beautiful, You ARE beautiful. You know what you want, you've built self-confidence & have made goals. I know you can just taste the freedom that comes with making your own decisions. Congrats to you for having the strength to leave, knowing what YOU need to be happy. It's not selfish, it's self-caring. We are here for you. JewelsMommy

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Monday November 18, 2002

Dear Beautiful, I found this site by accident and was very encouraged to read your story which ends in a happiness!I have been in a relationship for nearly 7 years with a man and I too didnt know what was wrong except that i was unhappy often because of the words he uses toward me.I thought abuse was physical and that relationships with a life partner were forever.And you know what really struck me where you said you still loved him but didnt want a relationship which was killing you.....How right you are because the stress brings ill health and how strong you have been I just want to congratulate you. Best wishes Bon

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Wednesday November 20, 2002

Beautiful- What a lovely and inspiring story. Even though you may not realize it, you really have your stuff together! It takes a lot of strength to love someone deeply, but know they are toxic and be able to live your life without them. Good luck! -Satokogirl

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Sunday November 24, 2002

Hello Beautiful. Your letter is exactly how I am feeling at this moment. Sometimes I feel I am making a mountain out of moehill, but then I say stop to myself for like you, I am not crazy. These things are not just in our minds, although that is what certain people want us to believe. You know, I didn't know I was experiencing verbal abuse and then when I tell something, friends would tell me it was and I would look at them so strange, because I lived like that everyday. When I found this site because I wanted to help someone else and saw the verbal abuse list, it was late at night and I went into shock for it was so true, so true. I have grown kids and couldn't tell them, but my youngest who is 17 knows me to well and eventually I had to tell her because it was burdening me so much. I wish I hadn't, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I even went to my pastors wife for counceling and that was no help for she just encouraged me to forgive. Don't get me wrong, we should forgive, but God gives us a brain too and it doesn't mean we have to stay in that situation. Anyway, because I was so burdened, I eventually talked to my husband, but by then, he is not my most favorite person in the world anymore even though I do still love him. My husband accused me of being the one who was abusive. I was so shocked and seeing the type of person I am I apologized. He did somewhat too but not for abusive reasons, just sorry I felt the way I did. We both agreed to start all over again, even though I felt something was still amiss(I still can't put my hands on what that is). He said he could tell I hadn't been happy for along time. Duh! He has always sided with my kids when they were teens and I was the angry crazy one. Anyway,I forgave him, which felt good because I actually let go of alot of bitterness then. I am smarter now and I can see how he can manipulate. He is well liked and respected around here and I am like in a rock and hard place at times. He isn't really name calling anymore, I told him to stop it, I didn't like it. Sometimes I feel like I was the one who was wrong, but I try to fight that. Its my insecurities trying to control me. I have since gone back to college. I have my own bank account now and after I finish my AHA certification, I will get a part time job. Sometime to be honest I want to move out, but I have a neice to is staying with us and thats another story. Its complicated. I am taking one day at a time and living now. Sometimes I am confused but I stop and think, like you and surround myself with the positive. Thanks for posting your letter. You are brave. We've all came along way and there is so much farther to go but hey we are on the right track and there is no looking back now. Right? right! Like you, this site has helped me(thank you Dr. Irene)for if I hadn't found it, I would have kept thinking there was something wrong with me. The only thing now, some friends just wanted me to up and leave, and I can't at the moment. I can't go to them and whine any more because I have choose to stay put for now. My husband has changed some and it takes time to trust someone again. You are right, verbal abuse can emotionally kill you. I am not afraid anymore. Take care okay. smiles, Janet

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Monday November 25, 2002

Hi everyone...It's me (Beautiful). I'd like to thank all of you for your comments. It is so helpful to read your thoughts and learn about your situations...I definitely am not alone. It is especially encouraging to have support. No one deserves to be intentionally mistreated. My husband used to tell me he treated to me so bad because he knew I didn't like it. But I stuck it out for years. I wish I could say that I stayed for the sake of the children...I stayed because I loved him. Something I didn't realize is the effect it had on the children. So, if anything, I should have LEFT for the children's sake. They are all have bad markings from the abuse. He would put them down, call them names, and always say they wouldn't amount to anything. I, of course, would try my best to clean up his mess and help them to appreciate that they are good children. They are smart and can do anything they set to do. Three of them have graduated from college. Two are presently in college. I am very proud of them. Their takes the credit now. But that's okay, because I know and the children know how it was. I am still on my own. Things are still hard. But life will get better soon. Thank you all for your support. For any one who is still trying to decide...You can do it. Leaving is not easy...but you can do it. Dr. Irene, I'm grateful for you and this site so much. With appreciation...Beautiful

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Friday November 29, 2002

I've been married almost 3 years now, and the verbal and emotional abuse started one month after getting married--same as you. His walking away, ignoring me, blaming me for everything and twisting it, drinking with his friends, calling me a bitch for complaining, leaving for parties without me, etc., has caused me to once again, search the internet for support. I found Irene's article "Controlling Behaviors, An Awareness List for the Abuser and Victim", and would of cried, if I had anything left in me. Right now, I'm just recovering from the shock of what I've endured, how hard I've tried, and the fact I HAVE to leave. I have my own business and do well, but don't earn enough to support the two houses I own. So, I'm planning on selling the house I live in. Verbal and Emotional abuse is so MEAN. It's that meanness that is finally getting me to realize you don't treat a person, espcially your wife, that way! He always comes back after a particularly bad fight, but today when he called from work and asked me to go to dinner tonight (where we had our first date, I told him I was busy. I now WANT to leave. Reading your article, I feel bad you endured for what, 22 years??!! This is only 3 for me. The difference before we married, and shortly after, are unbelievable. He's also like you described, so wonderful to everyone else. Everyone in our small town thinks he's the nicest, cutest, funniest, warmest, generous, most talented (he's a carpenter), guy! This morning when I told him how I felt about something, he stated, "that's a crock!". My feelings ARE ALWAYS put down and ignored. Till today, November 29, 2002. I'm emotionally scarred and scared, but looking forward to being strong and turning the page on my life. Three years of hell, with a few nice moments thrown in, are over. Sincerely, Your Friend P.S. I'm also 45 years old, not crazy (like I've also been told), and beautiful, (been told that many times... Both inside and out. I do believe it, and I do believe my so-called loving husband does not deserve me. Nor do I deserve the way he has manipulated and lied to me.)

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Wednesday December 04, 2002

thank you so much for your post. This is my first time at this site. i have been married for 1 year and have to children ages 2 and 5 months. my first son is not my husband's, but he is the only dad he knows. i have had a long struggle my whole life. i am a recovering alcoholic, i will have 3 years of sobriety in 2 months. i am very proud of myself, my life was going great and i met my husband. he was a christian and i was too. i thought this was the man i was supposed to marry. after we were married, the abuse started right away. he has never hit me, but he is teribly verbally abusive. my marriage sounds like yours. i used to be happy, joyful, and carefree. i loved life and god. i beleived i was beautiful and smart. now i am depressed, having medical problems and i can't beleive i srewed up so badly by marrying this man. my husband has already looked at porn, i know he will cheat on me someday. i can;t find the courage to leave him. i need to get a full time job and go to nursing school, but i can't seem to do it. i know it's because when i do those things, i will be ready to leave him, because i will be able to support myself and my kids. i am so afraid of making the wrong decision. i like you, do not beleive in divorce, but i am miserable. i am so mad at myself for the way things have gone. i was doing so well and i am right back to where i was when i was using, except i am not this time and I WILL NOT! i don't beleive that god wants us to suffer but what if god is going to use me to help my husband. also, if i left him, i would want to remarry, but who is going to want me and my two kids? i haven't been like this for sooooo long, i wish my life was different. i feel really bad for saying it, but i wish my husband would just disappear so it wouln't be my fault, i would be a widow and people would empathize instead of critisize. i know i missed spelled words, but i'm typiing with one hand while i feed my baby. i anyone could please respond, i'd appreciate it. i have no support system. please i dentify yourself in the forward, i don't open mail from people i don't recognize. thank you, sarah, mother of 2

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Thursday December 05, 2002

dear beautiful: I know alot of how you feel about leaving your own home. Here you built this house with your husband and family and he is telling you to leave if you don't like it. Does he say he is king of the castle and either live with the way things are or get out? That is what i was told. My way or the highway as Dr. Phil says. It breaks your heart doesn't it? You feel angry and abused and useless then angry again and then you see your kids treat you with disrespct too because really all along they have known what was going on. I am in that boat right now. My boyfriend and i have been together for 8 years and have on daughter together. She loves us both but my 12 year old twins have a real hard time with Jeff because of what they see and have heard. WE have moved out three times and are now about to move back to our HOME. The only home we ever had! What are we suppose to do? I see it as my house too. After all i have put thousands of dollars into the house too. But i am not married. Where do i go from here ? I either do it his way, and we have tried counseling together but the effects of this on our lives is terrible. What do we do? We love him. Help us and relate to us!

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Friday December 06, 2002

Oh Beautiful how I identify. Yes my stbx was the same- No swear words...nothing physical but somehow I was never ever able to be 'good enough, thin enough" etc. I can identify with the grieving too....feeling at the tail end of it,,and the love that knows no reason thing..all I can tell you now is that the end of the affair is a lot better than the constant drip drip of emotional put down...love jay

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Friday December 06, 2002

Dear Beautiful, I just found this site tonight. I am in the stage of this nightmare where I keep trying to be better and wait til he can show me he loves me; he tells me sometimes (less and less). I had convinced myself he just didn't know how to show me and I was expecting too much. He tells me on the way out the door for his 'business' trips that he just wants to "miss me". I know I stay in denial about his infidelity; I just can't face it yet. The pain is getting great enough...and I just want to thank you for letting me know I will get through the break up, too. JM

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Monday December 09, 2002

I understand what you are experiencing. I recently left a verbally abusive relationship. Everything that I happened was my fault. Sometimes the pain is so intense and strong that you become lost. It will take time. And it has been my experience that he will never change, because he lacks the ability to grow spiritually. Don't give up.

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Tuesday December 10, 2002

Good on you Beautiful! It is amazing how those who are supposed to most appreciate what we have to offer only succeed in obscuring it. Glad you found your true reflection again. Rosie

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Wednesday December 11, 2002

Dear Beautiful, I could hardly believe what I read when I read your story as I am in a very similar position and have been for 20 years. I have no strength or courage to leave this cruel man, who as you described, no one really knows, infact they think he's a gentle giant...he thinks so too. I have huge burdens at the moment as i recently lost my Mother who i am grieving for deeply and my daughter is in her 3rd month being bedridden after meningitis. All this time my husband has been his usual self, one day a monster the next, chocolates. 2 years ago i ended in hospital with a heart problem which turned out to be stress related, it was then i poured all of it out to a doctor. My husband was furious when I told him his anger caused me health probelms all these years and the doctors told em i should leave. He denied it and said i was inventing things, WHY would I want to do that?? I am trapped, I am weak, I am so so tired and afraid, he has made me feel useless without him, I am dependant on him, finacially as I am nursing my daughter and if I left I could never earn the amount he does. I am scared of the children (3 teens, all at home) turning against me if I leave, I am afraid of being alone, I am afraid of his family being cruel, infact I am just like a frightened little girl. My Dad was abusive when I was a child and when I was living there last year nursing Mum's cancer, I think I will always be this scared person and I am 45, I have lost 20 years to his ways. His Mother warned me of his anger before we married, I didn't believe her yet there had been little clues which I dismissed as being just me being sensitive! I think you are very brave, I pray that you will find peace and new love in your life, you deserve it, and thankyou for sharing your story. Very best wishes, SL

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Thursday December 12, 2002

Beautiful, I am so glad you are released from the abuse. I am so glad you know that you are not all those things your H has called you.. No more tearing you down- you know how to recognize that kind of abuse, right? God Bless You and many happy years ahead, Heidi

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Friday December 13, 2002

December 13, 2002 Dear Doc, I read the letter from Beautiful. My heart goes out to you and I am also very proud of you for getting out of your situation and asking for a divorce. That takes a lot of strong will power. Your story is so very close to mine it's unbelieveable. I've been seperated for just over 3 years now and in the process of divorce with 1 child. I share your joy of getting out of the abusive situation.

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Saturday December 14, 2002

You are beautiful! I'm scared right now because my son is only 15 months old and we are at the beginnings of a messy divorce. We can not live together. He is SOOOO ABUSIVE. But i went from one abusive place to another. Back to my parents house. They are so not supportive emotionally. my mother is a horror, a control freak. I was told by my therapist that I am in survival mode, I'm not even living. My parents only provide me with a roof over me and my son's head. My parents house is sooo tiny. Other than that they feel no sympathy really. But my lawyers says to try and stay there until its we get to court. He doesn't understand, so i'm stuck right now and fear overwhelms me. I can't cope with the anger and want to start my new life too. I feel so alone. Maybe you can give me some coping skills, looks like you came a long way. Thanks for writing your story. Hope I get there one day. My husband has destroyed my ability to think and took my already fragile self-worth, self-respect and self-confidence too an all time low. I'm almost feel like he's left me for dead, inside.

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Monday December 16, 2002

Hi everyone, its me: Beautiful. I can't began to tell all of you how much I appreciate you writing to me. I want you to know that I am doing quite well. I'm working full time, I have my own car, my own home. I don't have money, but who does? I have "peace of mind" every day. Imagine that!! Some of the responses are as if my life is being repeated by someone else. I really feel for all of you who are going through such horrid situations. But some how, you must reach deep inside of yourself and know that you are special and don't deserve to be mistreated by anyone. When I looked deep inside, I would see the person who I really am, the person who wanted to love and be loved by my husband. But in reality I was trapped in a loveless world where he was "King" and I was his slave. I couldn't be myself, because to keep peace, I had to be how he wanted me to be. Speak like he wanted me to. Answer questions with answers he wanted. I remember that trapped feeling, and wondering where would I live, how can I make ends meet, what if this or that? Well, when it's a matter of life or death none of that matters. You just do what you have to do. And that's what I did. I got out. I had to. I hate my family is broken up, but I'm glad I left. I wasn't overly concerned about what people would say. Its a good thing ,'cause they're still talking. I figure, what better subject to talk about. (at least that's what I tell myself). My 19 year old twin boys stayed with my husband and yes sometimes I feel they have turned on me. But that's okay, too. I had to get tough with myself and decide what was going to work for me. I wanted them to come with me, but they chose to stay with their father who has no rules. All of my life I took care of someone else. I must admit, I found much pleasure in doing so. As long as everyone else was happy, I was fine. But now it's just "me"...it's hard and even feels selfish sometimes to think about me. But I'm learning. Infact, I think its pretty nice. I feel life is too fragile and too uncertain to live miserably, especially when you can change it. Some of my days are bad, still, and there will probably be many more. But this is what I tell myself: I may have a bad day. I might have a bad week. But I am determined not to have a bad life. I have a chance to "live" and that's what I'm trying to do...Live. Again, I thank you Dr. Irene for this most encouraging site. And many thanks to all of the people who have responded to my story. You have really helped me. I hope I have in some small way been an inspiration to you, also. Take Care

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Tuesday December 17, 2002

Beautiful, You should be so proud of yourself. I love the statement of having a bad day or week, but not having a bad life. That's how I've been feeling. I moved out of my boyfriend's house a year ago and have spent the past year trying to unhook myself. He kept after me and of course when he doesn't have you he is so wonderful. As soon as you are back, the abuse starts again. I have had a really hard time disconnecting totally from him, but I feel I have finally done it. No communication. I always thought I could handle the communication as long as we didn't see each other, but he would manipulate and say very passive aggressive things that would hurt me. He would keep trying to worm his way back in, and sometimes it would work. Whatever happened I would always end up crying and feeling bad about myself again. I moved into a beatiful apartment. I loved it. It was bright and clean and cheery. He came one weekend and wasn't in the place 2 minutes before saying something negative. My job wasn't good enough, my hair wasn't good enough. I dressed badly. He was doing me a big favor by being with me. My opinion was not allowed because if I disagreed with him even in a nice way - just giving another point of view - then I was not respecting him, and would be in for a 2-4 hour lecture or browbeating about how I should respect his opinion. I was told his rage was my fault. He had never treated anyone else like that. It was things that I said and did but he didn't want to tell me what because it might hurt my feelings. Interesting that screaming at me for hours and calling me names and belittling me didn't seem to be a problem. I became invisible, benign. Anyway, enough of that. I'm free now. No more communication and I am strong enough now. Time to take my hand out of the meat grinder and leave him behind to abuse the next poor soul. I won't be his victim or anyone elses again. I won't be my own victim either. You have inspired me beautiful and so have so many of the other writers. Time to stand up and let the imagined shackles and chains fall away. We need to work on our self esteem first and start telling ourselves good things about ourselves. Once your self esteem grows enough, abuse is not a place you can be. Colleen

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Wednesday December 18, 2002

Beatiful, thanks for sharing! My wife of 17 years just left me. I have tried to salvage the marriage for the past year. She had a break down 8 years ago and it has been a roller coaster ride ever since. She was treated and is still taking drugs to "cope". I could fill volumes with stories of her bizarre behavior. I now, through reading stories shared by sites like this one, realize that I have not been loved in a normal sense for years and believed as you that the ring and vows were for life. The advice for dealing with the narcissist in your life is to run and run fast is dead on! I had forgotten how life was supposed to be until she had been gone for about three weeks, my mourning period I guess. Now armed with the knowledge of who and what I was dealing with, I realize it never stood a chance and thank my Lord and Savior for her leaving. It's great to know that I have not been alone in my suffering and that people out there can empathize with my pain. Not my soontobex unfortunately! jim in PA

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Tuesday February 25, 2003

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Friday May 30, 2003

i seriously think that she did a right decision...no one had to suffer or being emotionnally hurt or abused.no doubt about that. what i believed that a person of the right mind with a healthy subconcious would do that to his or her partner.......no ne deserves this kind of treatment of being terrified,shame, depressions and most of all tolive in this life of "negativity"... life is about acceptance, true enough she had that kind of methaphor for 19 years.......but i guess that she also realised that she also had "choices".in which she needs the courage to redifine herself, knows the bloody truth about her marriage and make that grave decisions... well i'm proud that she realise the beauty of life after she dissolve her past.............. "poison doesn't have to take the form of a lethal substance, it takes the form of FAITH. TRUST and LOVE............! 

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Sunday August 17, 2003

I know what you're going through! I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship, for five years. I am now going on five months of being single! And it IS really, really HARD to be alone/single...(as I am going through that process right now), but I have to keep reminding myself that, I WILL get through this, and become alot stronger, and become well again, in the end! My prayers are with you! Stay Strong! Emotional Abuse Survivor

 

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