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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for Become Abusive

Comments for Become Abusive

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
 

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 19, 2000

S1

Dear K,

This is a beautifully written poem about an important issue. It reflects one of the tragedies of abuse - when the abused, for protection and survival, changes and becomes abusive.

Your preface to the poem sounded as if this is where you were at some point in the past but it is not how you are now. That's another important message filled with hope for us to take control and power of the Self but with personal integrity not reactive abuse.

Thanks for sharing, Honey

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, December 19, 2000

S1

Dear K, I feel that way sometimes too. You see, I have been emotionally abused by a passive-aggressive man. It made me angry in a way I am ashamed of. Outbursts and rage. The screaming GFD's is what I call them. Unfortunately, my father is a verbal abuser. Seems that passive-aggressive and verbal abuse are made for each other. So that is the route I took when abused. It took alot of time for me to see the correlation of this. I sought help for MY problem, (Paxil/therapy) yet my stbx PA will never get help for his. His main concern is blaming others. Not an ounce of responsibilitly here. So covert. It is very scary when a generally good natured person as I turns out like this. I hope I can heal. I pray my young children don't learn and repeat these behaviours. I understand your feelings. So ironic....and scary.... God bless, S.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, December 20, 2000

S1

This is K I just wanted to add a few bits of info concerning my post (poem) I have been with my Husband for 10 years( we are unofficially separated now) He left again Nov 28,00 He left and has also left my daughters(youngest is his) and I without any money to pay the mortgage( I have saved a little more than 1/2),no money for food, bills anything Including Christmas presents. He doesn't return any phone calls on this matter from me or the Mortgage company. All of my calls(messages) to him have been very business like,calm and matter of fact. I feel this is just a matter of another form of his abuse. Any imput? I will post more later about his arrest a year and 1/2 ago domestic violence( on me), his recent DUI, His adandoning me when I was preg with our daughter until she was 2,his other children he doesn't see or support,his alienation and no contact with his family,his refusal to take responsiblity for any of it. I just can't Give him anymore thought or energy tonight.

Thank you for this place to affirm that the choices I'm making now are right. K

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 22, 2000

S1

no critism here! beautiful in meaning and cadence!

rhoda

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 23, 2000

S1

Thanks Rhoda K

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, December 31, 2000

S1

Dear Poet and Physician, I'm very sorry to read that someone taught you to be your own worst enemy and abusively harsh critic. You didn't do anything to deserve such cruelty. You helped me see how I too had become my own worst enemy and a codependent party too. Thank you for placing your wounds in full view. There were harsh critics in my childhood. I am learning to forgive myself and to bless myself with gladness in having gone through so much pain without losing my human dignity by loving kindness given to me at crucial times by goodness without strings of perfectionism attached.A hopeful soul hugs you with joy.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 01, 2001

S1

In the words of Father Flanagan "There are no bad boys"

All abusers were once victims.

This I have learned from the closest people I have to mentors, Alice Miller and Andrew Vachss.

Keep hope alive!

Dan

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 01, 2001

S1

I am just new to this site. I am newly separated. I always belived that I was the abuser and I know I was for the first part of our marriage. I did not do that out of choice. but necessity. however when I realized what I was doing and why I was doing it, and this took some time, I began to get help and to grow. but he always told me I was the one and I believed him. the last time I spoke to him, I wanted to die, I can't take it anymore. But after a while of thinking, and talking to a friend, who gave me this web site, I see that it isn't all my fault. I don't absolve myself from what I did, which was first being the victom, then being the abuser to being the victom again, only this victom's abuser did this deliberatly and admits to it. He is not even sorry for what he did on the day of our separation, which ended in his getting physical with me. Each day I am away, I see now, clearly that I am not the evil one he has told me I am. I am so very confused at this point in my life. I sometimes dont know what I believe. but I know I will make it through. Thanks for the words. and the feelings . and the sharing. It has made a differance in how I am feeling just now and I truly appreciate that.its true that we are our own worst critics. sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes not. All the best suzan

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 06, 2001

S1

Suzan~ I read your post regarding my poem, and I hope you understand that the confusion about your role in being abusive( or not),is just another tactic that the"abuser" uses to abuse you. A sick attempt to make you feel guilty for "acting out"and reacting to the abuse.It's a twisted little game. Heres a bit of an analogy Suppose you and your abuser were at a Party conversing with the other guests. He was being charming and chatting it up with everyone they all think he's "such a nice guy" in fact he's being "nice" and charming to you. But what the other guests don't know and you don't realize right away is that he is standing next to you and is poking you in the arm with a sharp needle/pin At first you jump and say "ouch", you look at him and say what was that for! Why did you do that! But he denies it and says " I don't know what your talking about" must have been a bug or some other excuse.In fact he may make a joke of how you must have imagined it etc. The party continues and your slightly embarrassed and rationalize well it must have been a "bug" or something he would never do that! But this happens over and over again and you after a while go numb the spot he's poking you. You notice it only "happens" when he's around you so you move and still feel the pain but from the previous "jabs" You start to question your sanity because there is no evidance of any "bug" or any thing that could be causing this pain. You go to him because you love and trust him and ask him to look and see if there is something your not seeing etc. He reports nope" nothing" I can see and then as you turn your head he Jabs you a good one. You yelp, start crying and the people at the party think your a little "odd". You lose your confidance and desire to be in a social situation etc. and go off to be alone for a while. He comes over to you and comforts you asks you to join the party again, you are hesitant about joining, your not so sure you trust him etc. But to "save face"(his and yours) you do and join a group of people with him standing beside you.Your on guard and still smarting from the "other" jabs, Your Gut tells you somethings up yet you don't trust your instinct until you catch him out of the corner of your eye pulling a pin from his pocket. You still maintain your composure ( you wouldn't want to falsely acccuse him) in front of all these people. Then it happens and you see it,he jabs you hard and You turn to him and punch him in the nose. Deck him and shout "You Hurt Me " or something not so assertive. Maybe you say nothing just look at him to let him know , you know. Then confront him after the party at which time he denies doing it or says you bumped into my hand ( with the pin in it)It's your fault or your a liar. Which makes you feel "crazy" doubtful of your own perceptions etc. Because no on else at the party knew what happened etc. OR as mentioned above You lose it and Punch him ,yell out in pain etc. Then everyone at the party thinks your"out of control" and how could you be that way to this "Nice Guy" You must be abusive, and he does nothing to protect you and your reputation or to take responsiblity for what he did.

That was what it has been like for me living with my abuser. ( not to say that the above Pin pokeing etc happened it was just used as a example an analogy etc.) The thing is then as more and more incidents etc. happened like that I lost more and more self esteem,and trusted my "perception" less and less.I even wondered if the pin was a feather and I was "over reacting".Because when other became suspicious of his behavior he would pull a feather out and say he was tickeling me.

After awhile I knew when the pin was being drawn and I defended myself before he jabbed and was accused of "starting something" When I had had enough, used up all my natural painkillers etc. I over reacted to all his movements.

Hence I was percieved by some as the abusive one and I accepted the blame as I was manipulated down the spiral with his abuse. Today However when I

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 06, 2001

S1

I know the last lil post I made was kinda a wierd analogy but hey it makes sense to me Peace Kym

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 09, 2001

S1

HI, k,

Just wanna ask, once we are freered from the bad abusive relationship how do we act normally with others.

I mean someone might joke so how do we discern this and become defensive.

Do we really attract what we get. SO if ya want a guy or gal who is confident do you have to act confident?

WELL done to you for recognising what happened.

I watched a tv programme last night about a co-dependent woman and a guy who lost his job and started to hit her, he'd done this previously at other stressful times. She thought it was her fault, like I had many times. Though another strong lady had been through the same and saw the signs. I was amazed that the village folk went mad went the co-dependent lady sought help, they thought the helper was a busy body.

I hope that Abuse help is as popular as DRUGS some day.

I raise my glass to you, well done!!

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 09, 2001

S1

HI, k,

Just wanna ask, once we are freered from the bad abusive relationship how do we act normally with others.

I mean someone might joke so how do we discern this and become defensive.

Do we really attract what we get. SO if ya want a guy or gal who is confident do you have to act confident?

WELL done to you for recognising what happened.

I watched a tv programme last night about a co-dependent woman and a guy who lost his job and started to hit her, he'd done this previously at other stressful times. She thought it was her fault, like I had many times. Though another strong lady had been through the same and saw the signs. I was amazed that the village folk went mad went the co-dependent lady sought help, they thought the helper was a busy body.

I hope that Abuse help is as popular as DRUGS some day.

I raise my glass to you, well done!!

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 23, 2001

S1

hey whats up we

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, February 15, 2001

S1

Dear K, Thank you for your poetry from the soul. After 16 years of enduring spousal verbal abuse, I have become abusive - both physically and verbally to my spouse. I think (or hope) that I have finally reached my lowest point and that this will prompt me to leave as I am finally destroying my very soul and heart. It's like it was okay when he did it but finally I have found something I cannot tolerate and that is myself at this point. This is all very new - I "lost it" two weeks ago. Weird how this abuse stuff works - I never thought I could be capable. Thanks so much for sharing your soul.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, February 15, 2001

S1

Dear K, Thank you for your poetry from the soul. After 16 years of enduring spousal verbal abuse, I have become abusive - both physically and verbally to my spouse. I think (or hope) that I have finally reached my lowest point and that this will prompt me to leave as I am finally destroying my very soul and heart. It's like it was okay when he did it but finally I have found something I cannot tolerate and that is myself at this point. This is all very new - I "lost it" two weeks ago. Weird how this abuse stuff works - I never thought I could be capable. Thanks so much for sharing your soul.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, February 15, 2001

S1

Dear K, Thank you for your poetry from the soul. After 16 years of enduring spousal verbal abuse, I have become abusive - both physically and verbally to my spouse. I think (or hope) that I have finally reached my lowest point and that this will prompt me to leave as I am finally destroying my very soul and heart. It's like it was okay when he did it but finally I have found something I cannot tolerate and that is myself at this point. This is all very new - I "lost it" two weeks ago. Weird how this abuse stuff works - I never thought I could be capable. Thanks so much for sharing your soul.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, March 02, 2001

S1

hi i know what you feel the same thind happend to me . i lost ever thing even my self but you have totry to be relly strong. try not to think about to much just be kind to every buddy including your self .

love nikki

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, April 06, 2001

S1

"...I defended myself before he jabbed and was accused of "starting something"..." WOW, exactly my situation with my wife. She attacks me so regularly that I have done exactly the same thing, attack first, with a pre-emptive strike. Her attacks are inevitable, so why not? But this has turned me at least partially into an abuser as well. I am just now starting to wise up, with the advice that no one has to put up with this nonsense. I don't even know who I am any more. I was once a pleasant, fairly well-adjusted guy, with an optimistic outlook. I grew up being verbally and physically abused by my father. It was the only reality I knew. That's my excuse for putting up with the BS this long. I am learning here that I do not have to. - Harry

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, April 08, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 04, 2001

S1

I am ashamed and guilty that i have become what had hurt me. The vicious cycle of control and manipulation..all to protect the part that was hurt...Sometimes, protecting ourselves from hurt is hurtful to others that care. I just went back to the abuser that had "changed" and "gone to counselling"....I was beginning to feel okay again and back to the real me...For he had taken it and i had given it, before i even knew who i was, at the age of 18...Now at 21, i am becoming my own and he came back at the wrong time...I had to protect to know what was real...He said i was an uncaring bitch because i wasn't sacrifising my wants for him...Now, it's over and I am questioning myself once again. Nothing is ever right or good enough for him. How ever i change in life, for the better or for the worse, will be a mistake and wrong to him. I am angry and bitter...I think I showed some abusive qualities as well, but then again so did he...Abuser or victim, we are all emotionally unstable.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, June 28, 2001

S1

Oh yes the victim does learn the abusers tricks and that validates even more the abusers deial of their abuse an confirmtion that the abused is the "sick one". This was my eperience with my partner of four years . I am a mental health counselor so I should have known and done better, and or course the abuser reminded me of this constantly. Needless to say by the time my domestic partner left my self esteem was at -0. Thanks Dr.Irene for this wonderfyl, very needed site. Verbal and emotional abuse are REAL, and the damage down is REAL. My two sons aes 8&9 and I are in therapy and the healing is in process! :) Janice

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 02, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 02, 2001

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, March 01, 2002

S1

Don't we ever, I now know tricks i never thought existed. imake myself sick

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 19, 2003

S1

Dear K, I'm there Blueroses922

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 27, 2003

S1

K- I'm right there. I guess you could say, weighing the price on my soul, to abuse back, when nothing else works. It is so hard to find the right atmosphere for love to bloom. I've chose to stay and work and try to keep a positive attitude, but what does it take to teach an abuser not to abuse? Feel free to reply. I'm on the emotional abuse victims support group. Sonya