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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

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Comments for Angry Victim

Comments:  Angry Victim

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2002. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Sunday November 17, 2002

Dear K, boy did your story hit home, I was in a 30 year, disrespectful marriage, he was an alcoholic,gambler,womanizer and I hated who I was becoming, just like him, (and my mom) revengeful, hateful so tired of years of asking him to go to therapy, I turned myself inside out, trying to be someone he would love. Meanwhile I was hating myself more and more, not liking who I was, crying myself to sleep because on the outside we looked like a loving couple but home we never even talked anymore. When I finally told him I could not let him treat me this way again he agreed and left. Boy what kind of a message was that...I didn't deserve to be loved. I have worked very hard for the past 3 years on my recovery and have become so aware when I am losing my serenity, my heart starts to close and the walls go up, I quickly detach from people, places and things that cause me to lose that serenity. I too love my new life. Good luck to you and thanks for sharing. D

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Monday November 18, 2002

dear K, I think you are in a great place and very courageous to go through all this. It's sad, but at least you are taking control over your own live back. I know what you say about the hating and having anger consume your live. Thank God, my H. and I are mostly past that and we both owned up to a lot of misbehaviours. But I still have this feelings as far as my mother is concerned. I am currently not seeing her (have not been for about 8 months), but I can still feel the anger and hate. I know I have become more and more abusive towards her in the last years, cause I never had the courage to speak up about he manipulating and pressureing me. I did not even know that was what was making me want to run when I saw her, or just heard her voice!! I wish I could have spoken up before I hated so much and was so angry. Now, I am not sure wether ing can ever be mended. And she is now as much the victim as me. AJ

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Saturday November 23, 2002

I haave an extremely abusive husband, how does one prove it in court though?

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Wednesday November 27, 2002

K, My former naturopathic physician was my perp. When I read what your mental health clinical director\abuser did, I could really empathize. Of course everyone believes since they're the professional, they must be correct in their assessment that we are the sick ones. It's an incredibly difficult situation. What I'm still working on to overcome this is just getting as much knowledge about my own health and behavior as I can. It helps that some of his other patients had problems. While I was a patient, I was also working with this guy. We socialized as well. He is most likely a narcissist, even a sociopath, but that would be speculation. However, his lack of fear, morals, boundaries, and his contempt for weakness all rubbed off on me while I was associated with him. I even lost compassion for the elderly, which is something that shocked me when I realized it was happening. In fact, I did not realize I was in a pretty deep depression, that I had stuffed many feelings after he opened up for discussion trauma that had happened way back. My research has led me to authors describing exactly how this happens. I had taken on his contempt for weakness (his own), his hate for western culture\women which was especially pronounced after 9/11 (he's Iranian), an extremely bizarre attitude of "so what?" (disguised as "being present"), and a feeling of isolation, since all my friends, relatives, and husband, just didn't get it. In the end, I hated him and I hated myself even more. I've had lots of therapy and even read a lot about cult and cult-like individuals, which has been very helpful. The Catbox on this website has been extremely helpful. I had to work on reframing almost all my statements and thoughts, which now have become so positive naturally, that it's no longer an effort. I also had to go through some intense nutritional therapy because in his attempt to treat mind, body and spirit, he put me on a supplement that caused anorexia and loss of muscle as well as exacerbation of a malabsorption condition. I feel wonderful now. There is hope (my user name on the boards is Hope). My hope was labeled a control problem by him. I felt guilty about searching for answers, but I have found them. You will too. Good luck. Hope

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Sunday December 01, 2002

Dear K, Sending big Hugs to you. (((((((((K))))))))) Only by grace have I not turned into an abuser. I know the feeling of acting like it though. I feel it right away and apologize most times. The only thing I'd add to your post is even if one doesn't become an abuser, your children might. This is what I have witnessed for my own 3 children; one is, one is borderline, and one isn't. It's not easy to watch. L

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Friday December 06, 2002

I have a bully sister-in-law and another sister-in-law who happen to share the same birthday. When we met this sister-in-law who is not related we got told by her boyfriend not to call her fat as she gets hurt and upset. We thought fair enough. What I didn't know was that is very controlling, possessive and manipulating. I find she sees thing from her terms. She had punched my boyfriend who is now my husband because he got upset with her of the way I was being treated by her. She had insisted that no-one is allowed to call her names whatsoever and treat her badly. The funny thing is that I have been called all sorts of names from under the sun by her and when I tried to tell her how I feel, she tells me I don't make sense, I never know what I am talking about and I am not all there. She is obviously all there, as if she has the right to be abusive, controlling and domineering. She makes our business her business and is quick to criticize and judge me. She believes she is far superior. I have my mother-in-law who takes sides and believe and hangs on to her every word and completely blames me for everything. I believe we all responsible for our actions. But to blame me for everything I cannot accept. The problem is that my sister-in-laws think they have done nothing wrong and I am being ganged up by them and they make such a big song and dance if I do anything to them but when they do things which is often I have no leg to stand on and my mother-in-law either doesn't believe or wants to side with them. The bully of the sister-in-law who I find is abusive and violent even wrote me a nasty letter as if she is an expert and I'm being manipulated that I have to doubt myself because she knows-it-all. She played games with me that she wanted this solved but made all sorts of excuses that she doesn't have time is rubbish and then finally told me that she wants the whole family to talk to me at the same. It has to be done from their terms. I am to apologise to her and say this is all my fault. This I cannot accept.

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Friday December 06, 2002

I have a bully sister-in-law and another sister-in-law who happen to share the same birthday. When we met this sister-in-law who is not related we got told by her boyfriend not to call her fat as she gets hurt and upset. We thought fair enough. What I didn't know was that is very controlling, possessive and manipulating. I find she sees thing from her terms. She had punched my boyfriend who is now my husband because he got upset with her of the way I was being treated by her. She had insisted that no-one is allowed to call her names whatsoever and treat her badly. The funny thing is that I have been called all sorts of names from under the sun by her and when I tried to tell her how I feel, she tells me I don't make sense, I never know what I am talking about and I am not all there. She is obviously all there, as if she has the right to be abusive, controlling and domineering. She makes our business her business and is quick to criticize and judge me. She believes she is far superior. I have my mother-in-law who takes sides and believe and hangs on to her every word and completely blames me for everything. I believe we all responsible for our actions. But to blame me for everything I cannot accept. The problem is that my sister-in-laws think they have done nothing wrong and I am being ganged up by them and they make such a big song and dance if I do anything to them but when they do things which is often I have no leg to stand on and my mother-in-law either doesn't believe or wants to side with them. The bully of the sister-in-law who I find is abusive and violent even wrote me a nasty letter as if she is an expert and I'm being manipulated that I have to doubt myself because she knows-it-all. She played games with me that she wanted this solved but made all sorts of excuses that she doesn't have time is rubbish and then finally told me that she wants the whole family to talk to me at the same. It has to be done from their terms. I am to apologise to her and say this is all my fault. This I cannot accept.

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Monday December 09, 2002

What perhaps frightens me most at this point is,exactly!--becoming like my VAH.I wrote in a post a few days ago,"I don't like the person I have become."I can't seem to draw the line when it comes to disengaging.I have found myself shouting a few times.And I actually followed H around the house one day last week till I got him to admit I was right about the high phone bill not being my fault.Only later did I realize that the point was to shake me up,to get me upset(again)about my Internet use(he can't stand my"communicating"with other people and uses all manner of derogatory phrases,"pounding the keyboard","playing on/with the computer").He*knew*the high bill wasn't my fault.Also,I find myself mentally falling into the anger patterns he followed for years after he lost his sight(he put us all thru hell for over 10yr and refused any help,professional or otherwise)--I am a year out from having been run down by a car and now have to have a crutch for walking...HOWEVER!!!I am NOT going to shoot down everyone in sight...altho a sneaky wish to run down the run-downer...ahem!I will not be like him(VAH I mean...altho come to think of it,he does have some things in common with that other..the run-downer) Day after tomorrow I'm going to an Abused Women's org. to speak with them.

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Tuesday December 10, 2002

I noticed I put an update here on my feelings about a past 'relationship' and have even happier news this time. I notice that I wrote that I still had a flickering of love and I hoped he would come back someday so we could make it alright. Talk about 'ugh'. I don't feel like that anymore (she says with a smile). Thesedays I feel more that I hope I never have to have contact with him again because if I do I will not have any love to share with him. (Put another way.. he'd have to be game in light of my justified anger) I re-read an old diary and the old feelings came back until I got to the bit where he was explaining to me why none of his closest friends or acquaintences knew he was involved with me for months. This nice, gentlemanly JP said it was because 'there was nothing to tell'. When I re-read that comment of his (rendered to explain why so many women were coming on to him) it brought me back to the present, to my present day feeling that he was just a phase in my life and not a determination of my future. At the time I thought the love and pain would last forever and I am pleased to announce that neither is true. Merry X-Mas

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Tuesday December 17, 2002

yeah , with advice like that you wont be loving no one..

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Thursday December 19, 2002

I have been reading this site for months. I am in counseling with a really good Christian counselor, I searched that out specifically. I was married 20 years, and about a year ago, he left. He left one night while myself, our son (5 years old then) and my mom were out for her birthday. He was a volunteer fireman then and he told me he would be at the fire department meeting that night, so we went out for my moms birthday. But when we got back, he called me and he told me that he moved out, that he wouldnt be back, maybe never. I asked him why? He told me some reasons, we had nothing in common, he didnt love me anymore, we never did anything to together, sometimes we didnt even talk, and (the worst) then he said, after we got that kid, the marriage went downhill, I was very happy, for 17 years I was happy, but after we got that kid, the marriage went downhill. We adopted our son and I did not know that our son would come between us. I wish that we had not adopted our son, because now he is from a broken home, now he has to go back and forth for visitation. It is just not right that he has to go through this. When my husband moved out, he told me there was no other woman, he moved in with a male-friend of his, but in reality, he only stayed there a little while (if at all I guess) and then he moved into his girlfriends house. Before, when our son was about a year old, he had written a love note on the email to someone, I found the email on the computer, and I showed him and he told me it was a just agame, but I never found out what kind of game it was. And he never explained more about what kind of game it was either, I did talk to him about it, but when I directly asked him why, and if any of his friends knew about it, he said "That is just like you, worried about what other people think. You dont care about what you did, just what other people think." I have to admit, that shut me up--I actually thought then that he was right and how could I be so self centered and think that way? So I talked a little more to him, but got nowhere, and then I tried to work on forgiving him, but I couldnt forget about it, and then later, much later, I realized, I could not forgive it, but he had never asked for my forgiveness. He didnt care if I forgave him for this or not. There was a very short period of time after the letter, when he seemed to pay more attention to me, he seemed interested in sex with me, but then he got cold and distant again. I would pray every night for the right thing to say or do to make things right again with us. We were so close, I used to think that we were the other persons parts that were missing. He told me that we were loosing nothing by the marriage breaking up. When I asked him if he loved me even a little bit yet? He said "somewhat" and "a little". He told me that I would never find anyone that would treat me as good as he did. I am afraid that he is right. I am repulsed by the idea of even trying to get close to another man. I am going to be alone. He is with his girlfriend, the same one that he wrote the email to, and he had told me he stopped. I had even brought her name up several times and asked him if he was still seeing her, he said no. He told me no, and I believed him. I had so much trust in him, I thought he was so above all this. But I was wrong. I dont know why, but I found that I was in heavy denial, it has taken me a very long time (a year) to start to come out of it. After he left us, I was not even angry at him, I felt guilt for his leaving almost that whole year. I felt pity for him, and compassion, I tried to understand what made him leave us. Every time I tried to understand why, I find that I start to feel guilt, I turn the blame around on myself. We had a temporary hearing to establish visitation and support. Because after he left, he would just come over while I was at work on afternoon shift, and my mom was babysitting, he would just come over every night and take our son out and keep him out until 9:00 pm every night. He would never ask him to stay overnight, he always brough him home at 9:00 pm and he would be asleep when I got home, then I would get him up and get him ready to school, and then He would get him from school and keep him out til 9:00 pm every night. (He was a kindergartner) I would only see about 1 hour every morning, and then he left him alone here when I had my two days off. He would call my home every night to talk to our son. My lawyer asked him to take our son to counseling, and he agreed to do that. So after about 1 month, he called the counselors office and he saw the counselor once, (my counselor told me he was a narcissist and has not changed that opinion - I dont think my counselor is just saying that either to make it easier for me) he only went once, my counselor told me that they asked him about specific incidents that both my son and I talked to the counselors about - like him pulling my sons pants down at a dog school in front of a bunch of grown men, my son was very humiliated by that- but when the counselor asked my h about that, he would not give a straight answer and he turned the blame around to put the blame on my son, for that incident and several other incidents they talked to him about. Then h called my house to tell me that he had made an appointment to take our son to counseling on a Thursday-he would pick him up from school and take him there. which would have been good, except Thursday was my day to have our son, his were Mondays and Wednesday night, I told him to make an appointment for our son on his own night, I would take our son on Thursday to that appointment, he told me forget it, he cancelled the appointment, he told me he would not take him to the counselor, it was done, his lawyer told him he didnt have to go anymore. I was mad at first, then I felt like it was my fault that my son would not go to counseling with his father - which they both need to have together very badly. I am afraid that nothing will help this situation. I cant even talk to him, everything I have said to him in person, he twists around and doesnt understand what I am trying to say. I quit trying to talk to him directly and just have decided to go through the lawyers only now. I dont think I did anything to make him hate me, but he does. My son will suffer now. ALthough my son did say that now he wont have anyone to put him in a full nelson hold now at home. He was ok with that. When h first left, my son had said there would be no one to tease him now at home. I just had hope that he would start to show that he cared about us, and act like he was interested in having future with me, but he wasnt he felt like he wasnt getting enough attention from me anymore after our son came, and he turned away, and got a girlfriend, he wanted to leave, he did it, he wants a divorce, I am not stopping him, I dont call him at all or have any other contact with him, I dont say anything about him to our son one way or the other. I have only told our son that it was nothing he did or that I did to make his father leave, it was his fathers decision alone, he didnt want to live here in this family anymore and he left, he found someone else he wanted to live with, and he did it. I have told my son that, and he seems to be okay with it. The counselors have told me that he seems to be handling this pretty well. He is not acting out in school anymore. I was feeling very strong yesterday, I knew this was for the best, I was thinking back on some horrible things that my h had said to me years ago, I realized that he never really loved me the way he should have, and I probably didnt give him the right kind of love either, this is the way it should be probably, but then today i just feel so sad about it. I am so regretful. Lynn

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Friday December 20, 2002

K, I can totally relate. I am sooo full of rage, I can't even believe it any more. I have been abused all my life by my parents, then I married, what I was told, above average top notch...Controlling, manipulative, Abusive, malisious sociopath of a husband. And when you say the mental torture is so sophiciated and clever. Thats exactly what he is smart at being evil. Just because someone is smart doesn't mean they are not sick. And he is a real evil sicky. Could you give me some tips on how to cope with this and how to possibly explain it to a Judge. I know you must know how hard it is to explain in one short excerpt, but I would love to know exactly how to let people know what is going on. Because you know a jUdge won't listen to any more than a paragraph. I hope I find the wisdom somehow. Because I have a small child with this horror. And I cry every day. He too is a big wig in the business world. He is in sales. Gee what do ya know. Personally, I too think he is gay alot of the time, but I won't go there. God bless you for your note, hope you write back. or you can even call me to chat.908-403-7704

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Friday December 20, 2002

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Saturday December 21, 2002

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Sunday December 22, 2002

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

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Sunday December 22, 2002

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Sunday December 22, 2002

 

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