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Comments for Anatomy of Abuse

Comments:  Anatomy of Abuse

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2004. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Friday, April 30, 2004
04:26 PM

Great article! My concern is that all the reading of books up to this point seems to slant to almost a failure of the relationship and the two people go their separate ways. My questions are more on keeping the relationship together and working on the problem. Many of the relationships have children. Many have a lot of years of sharing each others lives. Your article as well as others I have read indicates many of the abusers were abused. What can this abuser do to get help, work on the problem and keep the relationship going? How does the victim hang in there while this is being worked on? Do any of these abuser/victims relationships ever solve the problem and then go on to have a long, happy relationship? I can’t seem to find enough material on how to solve the problem? There are tons on what the problem is, how to walk away, how the victim is half the problem, how the abuser got that way and getting rid of them. Need more info on fixing the problem and having a healthy family unit with mother, father, and children. Laurie

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Friday, April 30, 2004
06:57 PM

Dear Laurie

The problem is compounded by the abusers reactions to offers of treatment. If the abuser refuses to see and acknowledge that the fault for their behaviour lies with them then, short of compelling treatment for him/her there is little anyone can do. I personally think that compulsive treatment something that needs to be considered for the worst cases. However, I do not believe that the current treatment on offer is adequate or extensive enough. A lot more study and research needs to be undertaken and that is difficult to kick start in a society that feels revenge and not help are what is required. Until such treatment is available there is no better advice than to say, leave and do it quickly. Trying to help an abuser who does not want that help is very dangerous for the victim. I am working now on a new piece that will explore these points in more detail. If the Doc wishes she may post it when I am done, or you can ask me to send it to you directly. If the abuser is aware of their need for help and is genuinely willing to seek that help, then there is hope. However, I would suggest a separation until that treatment has been shown to be effective. Very often there are children involved in these situations. Every episode of violence they see or hear can damage them in ways that are little understood but can definitely be measured.

Having said all of that, I am wary of saying the children should have no contact with the abuser at all. There is evidence that many of those who abuse adult partners never abuse children. In fact, I have personal experience of this. However, a great deal of care needs to be taken about this question and a proper professional assessment should be made.

George Rolph

 

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Sunday, May 02, 2004
10:57 PM

But how much does the victims real codependence play a part? (Allowing borders to be crossed, etc) Are there spectrums of severity of abusers? You seem to give quite an extreme view, of stalking etc (Obviously pathological behaviour, overt control etc.) Can an Abuser go through life without knowing he/she is an abuser? Asked another way: Can there be subtler forms that can avoid self-detection by the abuser him/herself? Is "anger" always the underlying current? Can an "angry " person just behave similar to an Abuser (or is one but is not 'hard core') with his/her ubiquitous expression of the constant lifestyle expression of frustration, stress and hostility and develop maladaptive behaviour patterns? Is focus on correction of the anger enough, or are there specific "abuser" directed therapeutic measures? (Particluarly in the "milder" cases if they occur.) (A little concerned self discovery here!) Shocked Self Discoverer

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Sunday, May 02, 2004
10:57 PM

But how much does the victims real codependence play a part? (Allowing borders to be crossed, etc) Are there spectrums of severity of abusers? You seem to give quite an extreme view, of stalking etc (Obviously pathological behaviour, overt control etc.) Can an Abuser go through life without knowing he/she is an abuser? Asked another way: Can there be subtler forms that can avoid self-detection by the abuser him/herself? Is "anger" always the underlying current? Can an "angry " person just behave similar to an Abuser (or is one but is not 'hard core') with his/her ubiquitous expression of the constant lifestyle expression of frustration, stress and hostility and develop maladaptive behaviour patterns? Is focus on correction of the anger enough, or are there specific "abuser" directed therapeutic measures? (Particluarly in the "milder" cases if they occur.) (A little concerned self discovery here!) Shocked Self Discoverer

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Monday, May 03, 2004
03:38 PM

Good article. I'm not sure I can get on the bandwagon of blaming radical feminists for many or most of society's ills, though. That seems to me as much of an intellectual trap as blaming men for most of society's ills. We're all in this together, after all--we ALL have some share of responsibilty, male, female, feminist or anti-feminist. Other than that small point, very informative.

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Wednesday, May 05, 2004
02:38 AM

Thank you Mr.Rolph for this article, As a female victim of abuse, I strongly agree, especially with your views on co-dependancy. It is a shame it has gotten so out of control and so widely used as a "cure-all" system, or a blanket diagnosis for so many. I hear your passion about male abuse victims in what you write here, and although I am not on your side of the fence, I can certainly see the need for such a stance. I must say, women, (at least myself and a few aquaintances) have had varying degrees of problems associated with getting help for ourselves in our abusive situations. Policemen and women, attorneys, judges, as well as family members and long-time close friends have made statements of disbelief and condescending remarks about the abuse. They tend to believe the old saying "There are two sides to every story" and feel the women (in my case) is exaggerating or blowing things out of proportion. My husband whom I am divorcing, hit me in the mouth in full public view, and not only did no one stop to ask if I needed help, the police officer gave him a physical harrassment citation, and did NOT arrest him! He was able to convince the policeman there 'could have been' an accidental hit instead of a purposefull swing of his fist into my mouth! The police officer then stated the ticket was the same as an arrest. ??? In regards to this, I believe not only men, but women victims alike need much stronger publicization of domestic violence, as well as children. Police and judges need much more psychological education and training. There needs to be much more funding going to helping the abuse victim going through transitional housing to a permanent residence, more counseling services and more security for the victim when the abuser may try to come after them after they flee. The victim is very often leaving with nothing but the shirt on their back, no money, no job, no place to go, and quite possibly children in tow. When there are more resources for not just men, but also more for women and children, this world will be a much safer place!

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Wednesday, May 05, 2004
11:37 PM

Thank you soooooo much for speaking the truth!!!!! Please do not discontinue this type of work. Peace and prayer to you. S.

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Wednesday, May 05, 2004
11:37 PM

Thank you soooooo much for speaking the truth!!!!! Please do not discontinue this type of work. Peace and prayer to you. S.

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Wednesday, May 05, 2004
11:37 PM

Thank you soooooo much for speaking the truth!!!!! Please do not discontinue this type of work. Peace and prayer to you. S.

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Sunday, June 13, 2004
03:14 PM

As a verbal abuse victim, I would greatly appreciate it if we can refrain from foul language. It may be a common word nowadays, but "cr*p" is still offensive and unneccessary. I believe you mean 'worthless".

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Thursday, June 24, 2004
12:26 AM

Hi there, I really enjoyed this.I have been married twice-first time around my husband beat me and stalked me.Second time around...I was not sure what was going on.My x was in a 12 step program , and read so many books on recovery and codependance.He often told me like you were talking above about taking care of myself.I'd ask for a hug or to spend some time together , and he called me needy and said I was unhealthy . He tolm so often he wasn't going to try to meet my needs and to find others to do that.I must have been nuts to think that marriage was about meeting each others needs to a degree.I almost lost myself in the 2ed marriage...I didn't know what was normal anymore . He kept telling me I was sick because I asked for his time and love and sex!It took me 3 years to leave.He never hit me .I don't even know if he realizes that his words and no action hurt me.He raged twice and his breath stank so bad...I'll never forget it and how scared I was.I was no angel too..I ended up having some outbursts and throwing a remote at the wall.I was really careful not to throw it at him,but I got acused of being abusive.I felt in a no win situation.I know I did the right thing for leaving but I still question myself about things.He still thinks it's all my fault.I think we both had a part.i still love him...like you talked about.I hurt when I see him.Thanks for the article..I do believe men can be abused too. Thanks,Sonja

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Wednesday, July 07, 2004
04:44 AM

DEAR SIR MADAM: I HAVE A PARTNER IN BUSINESS WHO LIES DOSENT PAY MY BILLS ON TIME BUT PAYS HES,BARTERS OUT PRODUCT FOR FAVOURS,I HAVE VERY SEROIUS LEGAL ISSUES OF WHICH IM INNOCENT AND HAVING TP PAY THE ATTORNEYS MY SELF FOR THE SUM OF 23.000 DOLLARS OF WHICH HE HAS NO INTENTIONS OF PAYING ME EVEN THOUGH HE IS AS RESPONSABLE AS I. HES DISRESPECTFUL, RUDE AND I HAVE NOT SEEN AND REFUSES TO SHOW ME A COMPANY SPREADSHEET. I ASKED HE SIMPLY SAID NO. WE HAVE MONEY COMING IN BUT I NEVER KNOW WHEN ITS OUT OF CONTROL,AND HE ALWAYS HAS TO WIN,I AM AT MY END WITS WITH HIM BUT IM DESPERATE FOR MONEY AND IM PAYING MY OWN BILLS AND I CAUGHT HIM OUT PAYING FROM THE COMPANY. HELP PLEASE SEND ME SOME ADVISE. PS HES GIRLFRIEND IS AN ATTORNEY SO HE HAS LEGAL COUNSEL 24/7. AND PLAYS ALL KINDS OF GAMES I FEEL KINDA TRAPPED. REGARDS ROBBIE. GIBOMAN54@AOL.CON

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Thursday, July 15, 2004
01:50 PM

To whom it may concern: I just read the article by George Rolph on Abusers and I have some questions? I have lived with an abuser for the past 8 years we are married for 5 years. My husband is a Cocaine addict and has serious anger problems. He has been arrested for Domestic Violence not only against me but his children and other women. We have been separated three times once for 7 months, once for 8 months and are currently separated and have been for 1 1/2 years. All of these separations were brought on by some kind of violence towards me or my children and they were tied in with my husbands drug use. Because of his constant lying, coming home late from work, disappearing acts, Violence etc., I have deep trust issues with him. I have confronted him many times and accused him of using drugs and cheating on me which of course he denied only to find out later my accusations were true and correct. Does me accusing my husband of these things make me an abuser? It says in the article that accusing your partner fo things is abusive. My husband always blames me for all the problems in our relationship and never accepts any resposibility for anything. He seems to have no feelings of remorse most of the time and always blames others, usually me. I have often felt myself beginning to question whether I am the problem because of him convincing me of being the problem. I really feel confused sometimes about this. Robin

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Thursday, July 15, 2004
01:51 PM

To whom it may concern: I just read the article by George Rolph on Abusers and I have some questions? I have lived with an abuser for the past 8 years we are married for 5 years. My husband is a Cocaine addict and has serious anger problems. He has been arrested for Domestic Violence not only against me but his children and other women. We have been separated three times once for 7 months, once for 8 months and are currently separated and have been for 1 1/2 years. All of these separations were brought on by some kind of violence towards me or my children and they were tied in with my husbands drug use. Because of his constant lying, coming home late from work, disappearing acts, Violence etc., I have deep trust issues with him. I have confronted him many times and accused him of using drugs and cheating on me which of course he denied only to find out later my accusations were true and correct. Does me accusing my husband of these things make me an abuser? It says in the article that accusing your partner fo things is abusive. My husband always blames me for all the problems in our relationship and never accepts any resposibility for anything. He seems to have no feelings of remorse most of the time and always blames others, usually me. I have often felt myself beginning to question whether I am the problem because of him convincing me of being the problem. I really feel confused sometimes about this. Robin

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Saturday, July 17, 2004
11:13 AM

I'm a little boggled. Although this essay is entitled "Anatomy of Abuse," a full third of it has nothing to do with the anatomy of abuse but is a thinly veiled diatribe against women. My grandmother was overtly abusive--to my grandfather. On the other hand, she did not start out that way. Her behavior was the result of years of living with his abuse of her. He was a wonderful grandfather, so it took me years to understand what I was seeing. In reality, he was a horrifically abusive husband and father. And one day, she started to give him back a small dose of what she'd been getting all those years. Should she have left him? She tried. But he told her that he would quit working and she and my father--who was only five--would starve. That was 67 years ago. Maybe today, she'd have more options. It may be that there are women who go into a relationship as abusers, but most of those I know have become apparent abusers as a reaction to abuse. At the end of my marriage I was punching holes through the walls. But, as my male therapist--an retired army psychologist--said, "I'm surprised you haven't punched a hole through him." That aside, there is the apparent contradiction of the co-dependency theme of this site. I happen to think that co-dependence has nothing to do with abuse, but I felt it worthy of note that we have praise for this essay from an advocate of the co-dependent theory of abuse. In any case, this essay--and most of this site--flies in the face of a book Dr. Irene recommends as "Excellent!", i.e., _Why Does He Do That?_ by Lundy Bancroft. The "abuse industry" may be run by women, but the person who has written the definitive word on the true anatomy of abuse is a man. And according to him, most of this essay is nonsense. Rhonda Lea Kirk

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Tuesday, July 20, 2004
09:30 AM

I have read the article by George Ralph, I came from an abusive relationship and so many things written in the article were right on. But then I got to the section about the abuse industry that generated prejuduce. I am a women and I have experience a lot of prejudice and misunderstanding in regards to the abuse. I've been told by professionals his physical abuse was either my fault or we were both responsible or that I was 'exagerating'(even acused of physical abuse because my 'ex' 'turned the tables around'). There is a lot of hatred for women out there (just as there is for men). The problem I find, is catagorizing: 'men are like this' 'women are like this', 'men do this' , woman are supposed to be like this' etc. . Whether woman,men,chineese,black,albino, all people should be treated with dignity, and people should be looked at as an individual and not male or female etc.. I think people are also uncomfortable with abuse in general, and I suspect that most abusers (whether woman or men) are often often charming and very persuasive. Men and women are both capable of evil and abuse is wrong period. There is one thing though that certain litterature does not take into consideration is that men are more often stronger than women (statistically by 30% - Canada). When a woman tries to protect herself or get a man off and she can't because she is weaker, she may learn unconciously that she can't protect herself (even if she tried) in general and there are specific psychological effects related just to this. Of couse, this is only one part of many aspects of abuse and does not discount all the other aspects of abuse. Also, I suspect, that women in many other contries where, men have significantly more power, woman are abused more than men. Some countries, ironically, things are opposite, woman's violence is looked down on more because their belief: it is more naturual for men to be violent and there must be something seriously wrong with a woman who is violent. a7m99@yahoo.com

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Saturday, July 24, 2004
01:04 PM

I found this article refreshing and mind provoking. My reality is that I am the victum of verbal abuse, but then I'm sure that would be his stand also. After doing some extensive reading,therapy and AA, what I am getting is set limits and boundries and get out. Well, I'm doing both and I feel the abuse is getting stronger, since I have been going through a year and a half divorce. What I would like contemplated, is why not embrace the abuse with empathy. Mirror back to anyone, what they say and do and how it makes you feel and ask them how it makes them feel. Embrace the situation and try and find the pain in others and feel and hear it with them. Is this crazy thinking or might it help stop the pain and confusion.

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Saturday, July 24, 2004
04:19 PM

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Friday, July 30, 2004
12:18 PM

That your article would have popped in front of me at this particular time is extraordinary. Thank you ... for looking objectively at both gender viewpoints as well as that from both abuser/abusee. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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Thursday, August 12, 2004
10:06 AM

This article would be very good but for the glaring spelling and grammatical errors, which make it appear that it was written by an illiterate and destroys its credibility.

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Thursday, August 26, 2004
05:43 AM

I agree that women do abuse men emotionally, verbally etc. So the beginning of the article I agree with. But the second half is way way out there. The BIG problem with domestic violence is the threat of injury or death is you try to escape. If THAT threat is NOT there one can always choose to leave. The threat of violence is almost always a male thing for many reasons including physical strength and attitudes passed down through generations. If you read anything written by actual abuse counselors etc you tend to find that there are few men that are actually afraid to leave their abusive wives for fear they will be killed. Introducing DEATH into the equation adds a whole new dimension to abuse. I thought I had found a good site to read up more on this. I am disheartened to find this kind of propoganda posted on a website for domestic violence. Very sad indead and insulting to those of us who have live under the threat of death every day. And yes most of us are women. i belive the last I read that at least 1/3 of murders of women were done by current or domestic partners. I dont have the number off the top of my head but I belive the number of men murdered by domestic partner is minisule in comparison. I feel sad every time I see one of these people that are "sympathetic" to domestic violence issue trying to turn things around for there own adjenda. Shame on you George!

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Thursday, August 26, 2004
05:44 AM

I agree that women do abuse men emotionally, verbally etc. So the beginning of the article I agree with. But the second half is way way out there. The BIG problem with domestic violence is the threat of injury or death is you try to escape. If THAT threat is NOT there one can always choose to leave. The threat of violence is almost always a male thing for many reasons including physical strength and attitudes passed down through generations. If you read anything written by actual abuse counselors etc you tend to find that there are few men that are actually afraid to leave their abusive wives for fear they will be killed. Introducing DEATH into the equation adds a whole new dimension to abuse. I thought I had found a good site to read up more on this. I am disheartened to find this kind of propoganda posted on a website for domestic violence. Very sad indead and insulting to those of us who have live under the threat of death every day. And yes most of us are women. i belive the last I read that at least 1/3 of murders of women were done by current or domestic partners. I dont have the number off the top of my head but I belive the number of men murdered by domestic partner is minisule in comparison. I feel sad every time I see one of these people that are "sympathetic" to domestic violence issue trying to turn things around for there own adjenda. Shame on you George!

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Thursday, September 09, 2004
06:19 AM

Hi George. All I can say is "Well written" Here in South Africa the situation is compunded by the fact that women groups love to highlight the "African Tribal and Muslim mens way" of doing things. I am NOT african nor am I Muslim, but get painted with the same brush. I do believe however that us male victims of abuse are slowly winning. I believe that you can only fool some of the people some of the time, not all. I have also come to adopt the "Expose her for who she is" policy. I don't make excuses anymoe. Before it was very embarrasing for me to explain scratch marks, bruises, etc all over my face. Now I say the truth. I have also gone to the authoraty's, laid charges etc just as she has done. I have even taken her to the supreme court and won. This was after she kept moving our 2 kids aged 4 and 5 respectively from school to school acoording to her likes. I would like to add that in my case, the abuser will only befriend those sharing her views at the time. They break that friendship off the moment they scent that the sympathiser takes an opposing view to hers. I eagerly await your website, I will forward the address to all the people I know. "EXPOSE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE!" Please don't get me wrong. I still believe in love and I know there are more loving woman than bad rotten ones like the one I married. I don't hate woman, I hate the abuser. Please keep me updated with new developments etc. Regards. Gary

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Saturday, September 11, 2004
11:17 AM

George, Having just read this page I have wept. A measure of some release. I find many of my sentiments written on this page. Three years ago whilst making a career tranistion and attending university I met a woman. In the space of a year I found myself homeless, all savings gone, arrested (on the false accusations of the abuser), two hospital visits (where I was treated like shit) and any studies in tatters. Some of this I sincerely account for being gender distortion. The woman has been in AA now for a year. Almost without exception all that I went out to acheive is now in her possession, including friends, study colleuges. My pathalogicalisation I feel was further aided by certain counsellors who further minimised the extent of the damage and in being critical of what was not "enabler" behaviour or background but that of caring. I thought the tears were "real". Bounderies were intact when I first entered this relationship. Without exageration it is like "my life" was robbed, not shared as she niavely thinks. On entering Al-Anon I found similar predijeces, not all but some were clearly suspisious and critical. The effect of this appears to be driving me further "underground". I do not drink nor take drugs. I drank whilst in the forces, often it has to be said with reluctance "to fit in". I have never been considered a soft touch either, rather fair and balanced in my judgment of events. I recognise her condition of Narcissim, which the by nature of the beast is well hidden from her counsellors and other AA partners. Why me? I am hurt bad. Confussed, paraniod and it feels like I have been bitten by "the lie" good and proper... a venom which I desperatly feel in my blood and occassionaly see in my interactions whith others. Posion. My memory is coming back now in little snippets. But I simplt have no idea who I am any more. It is very very frightening and I have become very inefective in my interactions whith the world. I am wary of becoming self pitying but I really am not sure that I exsist anymore. This toxin inside I do not want to live with. Can you help. Id travel, do almost anything to perhaps get adequet validation to help me on my way. At present I am located in Stonehouse, South Lanarkshire, Scotland. E-Mail is kennyscott_uk@hotmail.com Yours very sincerely Kenny Scott

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Thursday, October 14, 2004
11:58 PM

Dear George, I found your article helpful and informative save for the disgruntled allusions to radical feminism, which leech energy from your overall message. Indeed, many examples of women as abuser exist, documented and in my own experience. However your references reveal a lack of information or adequate study on your part, or maybe a more specific definition is in order. I think it is deeply unfortunate that many men and women are left with the impression that radical feminism equals man-bashing. Anyway, thanks for your writing! Natasha

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Sunday, November 07, 2004
03:34 AM

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Wednesday, November 17, 2004
02:34 AM

George, Thanks for your insight about abusive relationships. However, I do find that your comments about radical feminists to be absurd and have missed the purpose they serve entirely. You described them as trying to convince women that men are evil and that could not be farther from the truth. They empower women to fight back and encourage equality. I don't see how refusing to live in a male -based soceity is a crime. It appears to me that you have som hidden resentment towards women. You need to keep in mind that while people may not believe male abuse victims,they also hardly ever believe women and often times blame her for the actions of the predator. It's not an issue about gender, its an issue that exists in soceity and how society itself denies abuse even exists, which is why it splits it into being gender specific and looks the other way all together,

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004
06:55 AM

Dear George, Very well written write and right from the heart. I have two sisters who are psychopaths right along with one brother. Yes there is a judicial disavowel as well as a societal disavowel for pretty women. IMHO, my sisters aren't ugly or fat or old enough to go to prison. Those are the women that go to jail whether they did anything wrong or not. Much like males that don't have money. The effects are just as damaging on their spouses, friends, and children as with any male abuser. I agree that they turn people against each other or the system against their victims with greater ease and disquised as "little bo peep." Different role but same award winning acting employed. George, I have tried to say my goodness look at all the people who drop like flies around those two, but I have been met with just as much hostility, denial, and punishment as you have. It is sad to say but I can have my brother thrown in jail if he comes around me or my family. The same can not be said about my sisters. My daughter's breakline in her car was cut after I refused to give my sister money. My sister went out on several dates with the investigating officer. How cute my brother is has never deterred an arrest for assault, battery, rape, theft, fraud, and murder. However it has gotten him paroled early enough by charming females who work as prison psychologists, parole board members, parole officers, and more low end paying professions. The women can charm the pants off the male higher ups. I hear you. I care.

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Wednesday, December 29, 2004
04:37 PM

how is one to handle a verbally abusise and controlling husband? it is hurtful, depressing, and upsetting. thanks!

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Monday, January 24, 2005
12:39 PM

It brings on a rush of blood to read this and if i weren't a hardened up soldier in this world of heartland(=home) war, id be in tears. I wish there were a way to get this msg to the world, not to slap alredi beaten ppl ni the face, but to snap hard knots of untruth out with truth. To warm cold claws into nuturing paws with TOUGH love, though still lovingly. But my experience has probably changed me up for the worst. I don't believe in a hope that doesn't exist and i don't give a f--- about a world that doesn't give a f---, just the people in it. Maybe that hope exists, but i'm about surviving and that means sacrificing some thigns that are less needed in order to fill greater needs. What world we are in that 1st world countries are 3rd world countries with cashmoney (almost) everywhere and a (over-)plentiful diet. I'm 18 and the more i learn about this world the more i die, the mroe i stop believing in the things i was taught were precious as an innocent, easy to deal with, young one. I suppose i just got aware, vain and smart-mouthed, and probably a b---- as dad told me twice in my teens. What A Wonderful World, Stevie Wonder, thats a sad song to me, there's so little left that's not burning. Guess you just gotta appreciate it while it's there, nurse the injured and speak up for the silenced.

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Monday, January 24, 2005
12:41 PM

It brings on a rush of blood to read this and if i weren't a hardened up soldier in this world of heartland(=home) war, id be in tears. I wish there were a way to get this msg to the world, not to slap alredi beaten ppl ni the face, but to snap hard knots of untruth out with truth. To warm cold claws into nuturing paws with TOUGH love, though still lovingly. But my experience has probably changed me up for the worst. I don't believe in a hope that doesn't exist and i don't give a f--- about a world that doesn't give a f---, just the people in it. Maybe that hope exists, but i'm about surviving and that means sacrificing some thigns that are less needed in order to fill greater needs. What world we are in that 1st world countries are 3rd world countries with cashmoney (almost) everywhere and a (over-)plentiful diet. I'm 18 and the more i learn about this world the more i die, the mroe i stop believing in the things i was taught were precious as an innocent, easy to deal with, young one. I suppose i just got aware, vain and smart-mouthed, and probably a b---- as dad told me twice in my teens. What A Wonderful World, Stevie Wonder, thats a sad song to me, there's so little left that's not burning. Guess you just gotta appreciate it while it's there, nurse the injured and speak up for the silenced.

Submit
Monday, January 24, 2005
12:44 PM

It brings on a rush of blood to read this and if i weren't a hardened up soldier in this world of heartland(=home) war, id be in tears. I wish there were a way to get this msg to the world, not to slap alredi beaten ppl ni the face, but to snap hard knots of untruth out with truth. To warm cold claws into nuturing paws with TOUGH love, though still lovingly. But my experience has probably changed me up for the worst. I don't believe in a hope that doesn't exist and i don't give a f--- about a world that doesn't give a f---, just the people in it. Maybe that hope exists, but i'm about surviving and that means sacrificing some thigns that are less needed in order to fill greater needs. What world we are in that 1st world countries are 3rd world countries with cashmoney (almost) everywhere and a (over-)plentiful diet. I'm 18 and the more i learn about this world the more i die, the mroe i stop believing in the things i was taught were precious as an innocent, easy to deal with, young one. I suppose i just got aware, vain and smart-mouthed, and probably a b---- as dad told me twice in my teens. What A Wonderful World, Stevie Wonder, thats a sad song to me, there's so little left that's not burning. Guess you just gotta appreciate it while it's there, nurse the injured and speak up for the silenced.

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005
09:52 AM

I think I am a victim of verbal abuse. I have been married for almost 2 years now. When I first met my husband, he was a sweet and understanding man. When we met, he knew that I was previously in a verbally abusive relationship, and acted as if he would never be abusive towards me. However, he slowing turned into this person that I did not marry. He calls me names, makes me feel inadequate, and as a result, I feel like I am constantly walking in egg shells. I also feel that he criticizes my ways and tries to change me into a person I’m not. When I express my concern about his verbally abusiveness, and I express my unhappiness, he tells me that I am insecure and have always been insecure, even before I met him. He uses what I have told him about my past against me and tells me that I am feeling this away because I have always been insecure. He has a short fuse and when he does “blow-up” he tells me it is my fault because I know he has a short fuse and I should stop before he explodes. He also blames his frustrations on his stressful job. He put his hands around my neck once, and has punched walls and thrown things at me. At times, he does admit that he is wrong and admits that he is verbally abusive. When this happens, h makes me feel guilty by telling me that I don’t love him anymore I want to get him help. Please tell what I can do to convince him that he needs to get professional help.

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Monday, March 21, 2005
11:45 AM

George - caring for the self is not about selfishness, it is about self respect. You cannot truly love others until you love yourself. Those who are abused, men or women, place no value on themselves. Abusers are filled with self-loathing. If you read the affirmations in the final chapter of Verbal abuse: Survivors speak out (details elsewhere on this site) you will understand the empowering, vital nature of caring for the self. There are many reasons why more women are abused than men - one of them is testosterone. The feminist movement has not always acted in the best interests of women, but women have had to challenge a male power base that has existed for a very long time. Do not devalue your case with your prejudices. Judith

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Saturday, March 26, 2005
12:07 PM

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! I read your article and it sure helped me clearly see that he was an actor in diguise as described above. That is exactly what happened and I couldn't put my finger on it until I read your artcile and the Abuse Signs by Dr. Irene. Which by the way he did all but 1 of the signs. Scarey!!! I lived with my husband for 12 years in that situation. Your article helped give me the extra strength I needed so when he threatened to leave I told him to go and have been at peace ever since. Knowledge IS power. Thank you. Rhonda

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Sunday, April 10, 2005
07:17 AM

Where can i go for help for my children, whom my abusive husbaand of 23 years trid to subtly turn against me in a year of hell prior to us leaving him? Thank God, they are 13,15 and chose to come with me, so they know he was abusive, but we have relational problems, and I am seeing that it is going to be rough to restablish my authority, and to help them to trust my love, get back to normal.... ANy books, etc? I am in the Michigan thumb area, I have insurance that will cover any therapy if you know anyone in this area. Much thanks, B

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Sunday, April 10, 2005
07:18 AM

Where can i go for help for my children, whom my abusive husbaand of 23 years trid to subtly turn against me in a year of hell prior to us leaving him? Thank God, they are 13,15 and chose to come with me, so they know he was abusive, but we have relational problems, and I am seeing that it is going to be rough to restablish my authority, and to help them to trust my love, get back to normal.... ANy books, etc? I am in the Michigan thumb area, I have insurance that will cover any therapy if you know anyone in this area. Much thanks, B Alive2Bme@aol.com

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Sunday, April 10, 2005
07:18 AM

Where can i go for help for my children, whom my abusive husbaand of 23 years trid to subtly turn against me in a year of hell prior to us leaving him? Thank God, they are 13,15 and chose to come with me, so they know he was abusive, but we have relational problems, and I am seeing that it is going to be rough to restablish my authority, and to help them to trust my love, get back to normal.... ANy books, etc? I am in the Michigan thumb area, I have insurance that will cover any therapy if you know anyone in this area. Much thanks, B Alive2Bme@aol.com

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Monday, April 18, 2005
02:27 PM

I read your article and was shocked at how much it describes my exboyfriend. After he put me through all of this, why can't I be more strong. I want him back so bad, but I am too fearful. He says he has changed. He said that he wants to fix things. He went to a couple of counseling sessions, and he says that he won't let this happen again. Even if it's with me or anyone else. I can't bare the thought of him with someone else, but my head is telling me that something is wrong. He convinces me that I am wrong about him. Why can't I get over him? Why can't I let go? I can't do it! I can't let him go. I have a new guy that I date, and I still can't let my X go.

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Monday, April 18, 2005
02:29 PM

I read your article and was shocked at how much it describes my exboyfriend. After he put me through all of this, why can't I be more strong. I want him back so bad, but I am too fearful. He says he has changed. He said that he wants to fix things. He went to a couple of counseling sessions, and he says that he won't let this happen again. Even if it's with me or anyone else. I can't bare the thought of him with someone else, but my head is telling me that something is wrong. He convinces me that I am wrong about him. Why can't I get over him? Why can't I let go? I can't do it! I can't let him go. I have a new guy that I date, and I still can't let my X go.

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Monday, April 18, 2005
02:45 PM

I read your article and was shocked at how much it describes my exboyfriend. After he put me through all of this, why can't I be more strong. I want him back so bad, but I am too fearful. He says he has changed. He said that he wants to fix things. He went to a couple of counseling sessions, and he says that he won't let this happen again. Even if it's with me or anyone else. I can't bare the thought of him with someone else, but my head is telling me that something is wrong. He convinces me that I am wrong about him. Why can't I get over him? Why can't I let go? I can't do it! I can't let him go. I have a new guy that I date, and I still can't let my X go.

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Saturday, May 21, 2005
10:25 AM

Dear George, It was wonderful to read your site. I have had countless interactions with narcissistic, borderline, abusive women in my life. I grew up with a narcissistic wounding mother who tried repeatedly to demolish her children's sense of self and autonomy, and eventually destroyed her marriages and relationships to all. In my adult like I have also had compassion for these kinds of women, and subconsciously often tried to help them, rather than turn on them and report their behaviors to the police, simply because I know the "societal backlash" of any man exposing abusive women. One is not taken seriously. I also am a very bright man, who understands that there has been a very strategic revolution to reduce world population through media and mind control, as opposed to "war" used in the past, a subversion of true autonocratic societies, by "secret societies" is not something new. The latest form of "war" is mind-war, and gender destruction, family destruction, societal destruction. I was able, over the course of my lifetime, to find compassion for even the sickest narcissistic and abusive women out there, because I realize that they were "victimized" too. However, it seems that a man cannot even report abusive women, or make the sheer hint that they exist in abundant numbers, when even women everywhere know it is true. Women abuse children much more, as indicated by statistics, than to men. Women abuse in different ways, but violence, physical assaults are not uncommon. However, women seem very skilled at "verbal abuse" and I would estimate abuse their husbands, and males in general, much more than the reverse. Its just that men are accustomed to "taking it like a man", as if they should accept verbal beratement as "normal". Its not normal. And no man should accept or put up with a woman who acts in such ways, but as you state, the radical feminists (which are just paid goons for the Illuminist establishment) have a profitable gender destruction cause in the works.... I applaud your efforts. More men just need to take responsibility and put an end to the sickness, by going after who is really at the core of all of the melee....The Zionist Banking-Industrialist cartels, secret societies (Freemanson & Illuminist) and others who seek to dominate mankind. Attacking women will not really reverse, but only treat the "symptoms" of the sickness in society. But holding women accountable for their behaviors is a must. They should be charged, prosecuted, and treated for mental and physical abuses, as equally as anyone. The same goes with little girls in schools wearing some abusive or mocking Tshirt about "boys being stupid". Men and boys are and always were dominant intelligent, creative creatures, that women respect and look up to and admire, as with fathers. The destruction of "patriarchy" is really just a step toward "chaos". "Novus Ordo Seclorum". The words written on our currency, are the the cornerstone of an evil and subversive secret society, who has had much to do with the "doctrines" that now plague both men and women.... Regards, Mark

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Saturday, May 21, 2005
10:52 AM

Whoever wrote this post below is a prime example of WHY these women are given so much "latitude" to continue their violence and abuse...False statistics and generalized unsubstantiated strongly held biases, based purely on "emotion" and "infererioty" by some women, bolsters the position that much of the abuse is one way and not equal between gender...Which is a known statistical and factual MISTRUTH. This woman gives herself away as a very biased and obvious "abuser" herself at the very end when she tries to "SHAME" the author. It is this type of subvert "control" or CRAZYMAKING that is the hallmark of the "female abuser". This woman who wrote the post is actually, herself the very stereotypical female abuser, we are being warned about. She begins with a certain "kind" and "interested" viewpoint, acknowledging the credibility of the authors viewpoint, then segues into her own slant, which she defines as the "correct view", and closes by gunning down the author and trying to force "shame" onto him. Can the woman get any better at showing off her NARCISSISTIC traits? : "Thursday, August 26, 2004 05:43 AM I agree that women do abuse men emotionally, verbally etc. So the beginning of the article I agree with. But the second half is way way out there. The BIG problem with domestic violence is the threat of injury or death is you try to escape. If THAT threat is NOT there one can always choose to leave. The threat of violence is almost always a male thing for many reasons including physical strength and attitudes passed down through generations. If you read anything written by actual abuse counselors etc you tend to find that there are few men that are actually afraid to leave their abusive wives for fear they will be killed. Introducing DEATH into the equation adds a whole new dimension to abuse. I thought I had found a good site to read up more on this. I am disheartened to find this kind of propoganda posted on a website for domestic violence. Very sad indead and insulting to those of us who have live under the threat of death every day. And yes most of us are women. i belive the last I read that at least 1/3 of murders of women were done by current or domestic partners. I dont have the number off the top of my head but I belive the number of men murdered by domestic partner is minisule in comparison. I feel sad every time I see one of these people that are "sympathetic" to domestic violence issue trying to turn things around for there own adjenda. Shame on you George! " She did not leave a name. Hallmark calling card of the female attack dog. ~Mark

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Tuesday, July 12, 2005
06:54 PM

Right on.

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Thursday, August 18, 2005
04:19 PM

I am going through a tremendously radical situation right now. I live in Florida I went to jail to protect my sister against a batterer with a ridiculous restraining order against me. HELP!

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Tuesday, December 06, 2005
06:00 PM

Great article, fantastic advice. I was abused by my teenage step-daughter. The full range: emotional abuse; extreme control; destroying my things; physical abuse; causing me long-term physical pain, and so on. She wasn't abused as a child--she was simply overindulged, with few limits set on her behavior. Hence she didn't learn self-control and respecting others. She's still an abuser. She's now an adult, and she's not welcome in my home unless she apologizes/changes her behavior. I've been adamant that my husband (my step-daughter's father) continue seeing his daughter, offering her love and support. I've felt some pressure to "forgive and forget" but this article has reminded me to stand strong and refuse to live in a home where I am abused, i.e., refuse to allow the stepdaughter to abuse further. Thank you, thank you.

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Saturday, December 10, 2005
09:38 PM

Hi George just read your information, I have to tell you it was great. I have a story that is to long for e-mail. I will give you the short version. My sister was murdered by her husband on June.15th 2005 by a cruel act of domestic violence. He had planned to take his own life but decided she deserved to die too. He stalked her and waited for her to leave for work on the morning of the 15th. As she went to open her door to leave her grabbed the handle and forced her back inside. He told me he pushed her down and she got back up. They fought for a while,he through her down for the last time and as she went to get up on all fours he stood over her and said bitch you deserve to die. He shot her once in the neck hitting her major artery. After he shot her he locked the door behind him,when help arrived they could not get in to save her in time. He controlled how,when and under what circumstances she would die. He then went on a 10 hour long massive manhunt and calling me to give me all the details. He told me how he planned it and everything they said to each other before her death. I was also used as the negotiator for the police,since he was armed and dangerous and I knew how to calm him my line was tapped and we tried to talk him out of taking his own life. He told me he had to hang up because he was gonna kill himself and he would tell me where they could find his body. Ten hours later he did kill himself. I am now left with the horror of what my sister went through in her apartment. And the fact that she may have been able to be saved if that door had not been locked. I later found out that He(her husband)had been abused as a child and molested and also bullied in school. Do you think these were indicating factors of why he may have been abusive. Thank you for reading and I hope to hear from you Thank You Heidi Markow Easton PA.

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Saturday, December 10, 2005
09:41 PM

Hi George just read your information, I have to tell you it was great. I have a story that is to long for e-mail. I will give you the short version. My sister was murdered by her husband on June.15th 2005 by a cruel act of domestic violence. He had planned to take his own life but decided she deserved to die too. He stalked her and waited for her to leave for work on the morning of the 15th. As she went to open her door to leave her grabbed the handle and forced her back inside. He told me he pushed her down and she got back up. They fought for a while,he through her down for the last time and as she went to get up on all fours he stood over her and said bitch you deserve to die. He shot her once in the neck hitting her major artery. After he shot her he locked the door behind him,when help arrived they could not get in to save her in time. He controlled how,when and under what circumstances she would die. He then went on a 10 hour long massive manhunt and calling me to give me all the details. He told me how he planned it and everything they said to each other before her death. I was also used as the negotiator for the police,since he was armed and dangerous and I knew how to calm him my line was tapped and we tried to talk him out of taking his own life. He told me he had to hang up because he was gonna kill himself and he would tell me where they could find his body. Ten hours later he did kill himself. I am now left with the horror of what my sister went through in her apartment. And the fact that she may have been able to be saved if that door had not been locked. I later found out that He(her husband)had been abused as a child and molested and also bullied in school. Do you think these were indicating factors of why he may have been abusive. Thank you for reading and I hope to hear from you Thank You Heidi Markow Easton PA.

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Monday, January 16, 2006
04:35 AM

Weekend Beat:'Devil wives' getting a bad rap--many husbands think they are the cat's meow 01/14/2006 By haruko ishii, The Asahi Shimbun She mops up spilled juice with your favorite T-shirt, and then she makes you go shopping in the pouring rain. Let's face it, she's the wife from hell--but you still love her. Sound familiar? It should. This "mean wife, happy marriage" scenario has become a fad. When one man in a similar relationship began writing a blog about his experiences with his nasty wife, his account struck such a chord with readers that it's now been turned into a book and a TV drama series. He and his wife, it seems, are far from the only ones whose relationship thrives on the wife's selfishness--as 34-year-old Mina would no doubt agree. Mina (not her real name) does Internet-related work at home and has been married to her 42-year-old husband for 12 years. "Why don't you ever wave goodbye to me anymore? Why don't we ever talk anymore?" she asked him one day. "Actually, I'm the one who stopped waving goodbye," she admits with a laugh. And the reason they've stopped talking is because Mina's become deeply involved with her daughter's extracurricular activities. But Mina was the one who began feeling angry. To let out her frustrations she began to use her hubby as a metaphorical punching bag. "When I take it out on my husband, I feel much better and forget what I got so wound up about," she says. As Mina became busier, the house got messy and she cut down on the time she spent cooking. But her husband never complains. "He knows I would just tell him off if he did," she says. After patiently letting Mina get things off her chest, the husband once said: "Pretend you've been tricked into cleaning the house. You'll calm down a bit." She did. When she cleaned the house and saw how nice it looked, her frustrations went away. "He actually analyzes me very objectively," Mina says. For all her flaws, the two behave like a couple in love. On weekends, they shop together or watch their son's baseball games. On birthdays, they buy each other presents. Masanori (not his real name) is another man happy with his wife, even though he says his friends think she's mean. The 34-year-old Tokyo-based designer has been married for three years. When he told his 32-year-old wife, who works with him, that he wanted to buy a new computer for work, she insisted they buy a refrigerator at a later date and they ended up saving money for that instead. His wife has a mug that cost 3,000 yen. Masanori's cost 1,000 yen. "Mine is more expensive," she brags. But her husband has no problem with her attitude. "I get really angry when it comes to work matters, but at home, things don't really bother me," he says. In fact, the wife is very protective of her slim, quiet husband. "If someone picks a fight with you, just keep your distance," she often says. "If something happens to you, I'll go fight your battles." Masanori is more than willing to do as she says. "My wife is a very determined woman," he says. "I have no complaints." The blog that triggered the phenomenon is titled "Oni-yome Nikki" (The true story of my devil wife) and was started four years ago by a 33-year-old company employee from Fukuoka who calls himself "Kazuma." Readers don't need to look far to find examples of the kind of behavior that inspired him. "When I had a cold, she made me sleep under the kotatsu (heated table) because she didn't want to catch my cold," he writes of his 33-year-old wife. "When I came home soaking wet, she made me strip naked by the front door because she didn't want me to get the floor wet." These online entries received so many hits and attracted so much attention that the contents were published in a book last July. The blog was also made into a TV sitcom with the same title last fall. "Times have really changed, I think, for this kind of relationship to be featured in a drama series," says Kazuma. "If men in similar situations feel better thinking that at least they're better off than me, I'm happy with that." People often wonder why he doesn't just break up with this "devil" woman. "I would much rather see my wife happy than make her angry and create a hostile environment," he says. While the drama series was aired from October to December, its official Web site often received e-mail from people in similar situations. "I'm a devil wife myself," writes a woman in her 20s. "I say whatever I want to my kind husband and live a happy life. Of course, we are totally in love." "I do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry," runs a message from a man in his 30s. "(My wife) was kind to me before we got married, but now she is quite the devil." "My mother acts like the female lead," writes a teenage girl. "She forces my father to exchange her favorite ramen ingredients with his, and takes his money and blows 80,000 yen in one shopping spree." Nonfiction writer Yuki Ishikawa expects the number of tyrannical women to increase. "There are more and more wives who brag about giving their husbands instant food instead of home-cooked meals, justifying their actions as giving their husbands what the husbands want," she says. "I feel like devil wives are innocent in a way, but immature. In the past, there were more women who wanted their husbands to give them attention. But now, many women look for husbands who let them get away with doing little around the house, getting together with friends or going for beauty treatments. I think this change in mindset will increase in the future." Freelance writer Chihiro Fujiwara, 38, interviewed almost 100 self-described selfish wives and their husbands, and published a book on her findings in early November through Ameba Books Ltd. When a friend of hers who was making an effort to be a good wife was suddenly served with divorce papers, Fujiwara wondered why that happened at a time when selfish wives were doing whatever they wanted and yet were loved and happy. As she began interviewing people, she noticed a pattern. "There are no hard feelings because the women immediately tell their husbands whatever is bothering them," she says. "And when their wives demand money from their husbands, the men seem to feel glad that they're needed and are making their wives happy." Fujiwara herself has been married for seven years. She used to keep her frustrations to herself. But she began telling her husband how she felt. "My husband was surprised at first because he had no idea what I was thinking, but he became kind. When I hinted that I wanted a pair of boots, he bought me a pair and was very happy about it." "Society as a whole is still dominated by men, so if men ruled at home as well, it would be nasty," says comic book writer Mayumi Kurata. "I think it brings balance to society when women have control in the home. "Devil wives who can spontaneously be selfish and ask for whatever they want are talented, in a way. Some husbands are happy being ordered around because it's easier to be told what to do. They also love getting all that attention from their wives. But this relationship style is different from the so-called weekend-only marriages and separated couples. I think married couples just need to find a relationship style that suits them."(IHT/Asahi: January 14,2006)

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006
06:30 PM

WOW That realy hit home, Im the man and, although my wife only hit me once just after we were married 8 years ago,thats when I explaned " whats good for the goose is good for the gander" . She fits most of the abucer profile. I am to the point where I only speek when nessary and I do protect my children from her. She makes life as miserable as possible for us but...She some how knows she can only go so far befor I will put a stop to it. She knows there is a limit to my grace. Thankyou for the letter, you will never know how much I needed it today. J0N/in michigan

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Friday, March 03, 2006
09:08 PM

can you recommend a counselor for me. I live in libertyville, il. I was in an extreemly verbally, psychologically abusive relationship for 22 years before i had the strenght to file for divorce--nov,1999. It took five years for the judgment of divore and i am still fighting to resolve issuses of the marital settlement agreement. my ex husband has turned three of my four chldren against me. only one child has ever spent the night with me. my daughter will not speak to me. she is getting married in june and i don't know if i will be invited to the wedding. my ex husband keeps the children away from me. i am still suffering the affects of the abuse and need a counselor who understands verbal abuse and can help me. jean meyer mczauner@hotmail.com

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Monday, March 20, 2006
01:31 PM

Dear George, My 26 year old son is abusive to his father and I. He has always been very difficult to deal with, and has been diagnosed by more than one physician as bi-polar. However, he refuses to take medication. He is manipulative and vulgar to us. We have cut off most ties to him, and he now lives away from us. Throughout his childhood, we attempted therapy, medications such as Ritalin, and antidepressants. When he began stealing at age 14 we sent him to a residential treatment center. Sometimes he turns things around to make it seem as though we were wrong to him, refusing to understand that stealing expensive items was a felony conviction and absolutely against norms of society. We are hoping that by staying away from him, and not allowing him home even for Christmas, he will try to make changes. Sometimes I feel that maybe we mishandled things when he was young, but my husband and I are both conscientious, educated people who had his best interest at heart. Is there any hope for him and what must we do that we have not already done? Angela

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006
05:24 PM

Hi I was in an abusive relationship with what I now know was a narcissist. I cannot believe what I have learned about this man. I could never figure him out. I was deeply depressed when the relationship ended. He ended up with his landlady a wet week after I walked away from him and said no more of this nonsense. I cannot seem to get over the hurt and pain he caused me, and to do something so cruel and callous, to humiliate me in such a way, I knew this woman, he was renting a room in her home and I got to know her from spending time with him in the house. Did she not see what he did to me??? Sandra Carroll

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006
05:27 PM

Hi I was in an abusive relationship with what I now know was a narcissist. I cannot believe what I have learned about this man. I could never figure him out. I was deeply depressed when the relationship ended. He ended up with his landlady a wet week after I walked away from him and said no more of this nonsense. I cannot seem to get over the hurt and pain he caused me, and to do something so cruel and callous, to humiliate me in such a way, I knew this woman, he was renting a room in her home and I got to know her from spending time with him in the house. Did she not see what he did to me??? Sandra Carroll

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Saturday, September 30, 2006
01:50 AM

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Saturday, September 30, 2006
02:11 AM

Great service to all ages / genders your article. The western society has a great love for the medival romance myth of the hapeless damcil in detress and the male rescuer. It's just straightforward denial / ignorance willful / woeful. It sells / people feel more comfortable knowing that our future those at the developemental stages of our human race are really only nuturers. They can sleep better. People prefer to have the evidence served up in more paladable fashion / there's always a reward in deceit / distorting the evidence. The truth is that men are expendable / if a man is tormented and tortured and blown to peices well that ain't nothing new! It isn't news it's the norm. But thanks for stating the obvious. Millions if not billions of young men have been hacked to peices / blown to bits / then thrown in a pile, is that news to any of us? it's all a sign of a primitive society / ignorance. thank again

 

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Sunday, January 07, 2007
09:15 PM

i have been aware of the inequalities you have outlined,and the hypocrisy of police and other related agencys to men being victims of abuse from women.they simply dont believeit but at the same time say ,we treat all allegations of domestic abuse the same wether they are from a female or a man.recent experience shows me this is comletely un true.i had a psychlogically abusive upbringing at home,was evicted from the house aged 11,and then suffered two incidents of sexual abuse from strangers.some years later while asleep on drugs my best friends girlfiend decided to have sex with me even tho i was out cold,i woke to find her on top of me having penetrative sex,i have always considered that was rape.i may be wrong,and i can find nothing to back my theory up but what i read all the time is that the abuser will become violent and aggressive,i dont find that is the only way women abuse,they can be overly flirtacious sexually goading and provocative/when i asked her quite reasonablywhat that was about she told me i was paranoid and jealous and trying to control her.to be honest it was ovrblown behaviour perhaps to get my attention,but my question was put reasonably fairly ,i just wanted to understand if this was something i should worry about,she completely defended what she did and told me it was my problm.she has constantlytold me that my perception about anything is wrong,im the one with the issues and she uses the information about my past to prove that im the one with all the issues and she is trying to help sort me out.i have driven myself quite crazy trying to solve our problems out and anything i suggest or talk about was argued with,even arguing that my feelings were wrong.on occassions when she has done things that are hurtfull and show a complete disreegard for my feelings and ive asked her about it or said how i felt she just argues that im wrong and i shouldnt worry about it,if only i understood her there wouldnt be a problem.so we talk and she defends ignores my feelings as being invalid.this causes frustration in me ,everything i say is blocked or she says nothing,silent or she just talks over me everytime i try to say something,like she doesnt want to hear what i say.so now im angry not getting anywhere and think it would be best to go home and calm down.then she escalates things .so i go home.next time we speak she is telling me i shouldnt walk off me walking off is now the problem.sorry im very confused about all of this and perhaps not writing anything of interest.my point was supposed to be that i find women can be abusive in more subtle ways than men,and if they can make the man angry he shouts and walks off then they seem to feel they are being abused,so playing a role of victim when they are actually being abusive in a manipulative psychological way.i dont know if you can respond to this but be great if you could.like the site thankyou. cliffyboy03@yahoo.co.uk

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Sunday, January 07, 2007
09:15 PM

i have been aware of the inequalities you have outlined,and the hypocrisy of police and other related agencys to men being victims of abuse from women.they simply dont believeit but at the same time say ,we treat all allegations of domestic abuse the same wether they are from a female or a man.recent experience shows me this is comletely un true.i had a psychlogically abusive upbringing at home,was evicted from the house aged 11,and then suffered two incidents of sexual abuse from strangers.some years later while asleep on drugs my best friends girlfiend decided to have sex with me even tho i was out cold,i woke to find her on top of me having penetrative sex,i have always considered that was rape.i may be wrong,and i can find nothing to back my theory up but what i read all the time is that the abuser will become violent and aggressive,i dont find that is the only way women abuse,they can be overly flirtacious sexually goading and provocative/when i asked her quite reasonablywhat that was about she told me i was paranoid and jealous and trying to control her.to be honest it was ovrblown behaviour perhaps to get my attention,but my question was put reasonably fairly ,i just wanted to understand if this was something i should worry about,she completely defended what she did and told me it was my problm.she has constantlytold me that my perception about anything is wrong,im the one with the issues and she uses the information about my past to prove that im the one with all the issues and she is trying to help sort me out.i have driven myself quite crazy trying to solve our problems out and anything i suggest or talk about was argued with,even arguing that my feelings were wrong.on occassions when she has done things that are hurtfull and show a complete disreegard for my feelings and ive asked her about it or said how i felt she just argues that im wrong and i shouldnt worry about it,if only i understood her there wouldnt be a problem.so we talk and she defends ignores my feelings as being invalid.this causes frustration in me ,everything i say is blocked or she says nothing,silent or she just talks over me everytime i try to say something,like she doesnt want to hear what i say.so now im angry not getting anywhere and think it would be best to go home and calm down.then she escalates things .so i go home.next time we speak she is telling me i shouldnt walk off me walking off is now the problem.sorry im very confused about all of this and perhaps not writing anything of interest.my point was supposed to be that i find women can be abusive in more subtle ways than men,and if they can make the man angry he shouts and walks off then they seem to feel they are being abused,so playing a role of victim when they are actually being abusive in a manipulative psychological way.i dont know if you can respond to this but be great if you could.like the site thankyou. cliffyboy03@yahoo.co.uk

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Sunday, January 07, 2007
09:15 PM

i have been aware of the inequalities you have outlined,and the hypocrisy of police and other related agencys to men being victims of abuse from women.they simply dont believeit but at the same time say ,we treat all allegations of domestic abuse the same wether they are from a female or a man.recent experience shows me this is comletely un true.i had a psychlogically abusive upbringing at home,was evicted from the house aged 11,and then suffered two incidents of sexual abuse from strangers.some years later while asleep on drugs my best friends girlfiend decided to have sex with me even tho i was out cold,i woke to find her on top of me having penetrative sex,i have always considered that was rape.i may be wrong,and i can find nothing to back my theory up but what i read all the time is that the abuser will become violent and aggressive,i dont find that is the only way women abuse,they can be overly flirtacious sexually goading and provocative/when i asked her quite reasonablywhat that was about she told me i was paranoid and jealous and trying to control her.to be honest it was ovrblown behaviour perhaps to get my attention,but my question was put reasonably fairly ,i just wanted to understand if this was something i should worry about,she completely defended what she did and told me it was my problm.she has constantlytold me that my perception about anything is wrong,im the one with the issues and she uses the information about my past to prove that im the one with all the issues and she is trying to help sort me out.i have driven myself quite crazy trying to solve our problems out and anything i suggest or talk about was argued with,even arguing that my feelings were wrong.on occassions when she has done things that are hurtfull and show a complete disreegard for my feelings and ive asked her about it or said how i felt she just argues that im wrong and i shouldnt worry about it,if only i understood her there wouldnt be a problem.so we talk and she defends ignores my feelings as being invalid.this causes frustration in me ,everything i say is blocked or she says nothing,silent or she just talks over me everytime i try to say something,like she doesnt want to hear what i say.so now im angry not getting anywhere and think it would be best to go home and calm down.then she escalates things .so i go home.next time we speak she is telling me i shouldnt walk off me walking off is now the problem.sorry im very confused about all of this and perhaps not writing anything of interest.my point was supposed to be that i find women can be abusive in more subtle ways than men,and if they can make the man angry he shouts and walks off then they seem to feel they are being abused,so playing a role of victim when they are actually being abusive in a manipulative psychological way.i dont know if you can respond to this but be great if you could.like the site thankyou. cliffyboy03@yahoo.co.uk

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Saturday, January 27, 2007
07:12 AM

Last year I was an abusive victim of my boyfriend.He abused me financially (by yelling while asking me to lend him some money), verbally (by calling me stupid, ridiuling my skirt, accusing me for being promiscuous when I refused to have sex with him) and sexually (grabbing my chest in a taxi). We broke up after his mother had paid off his debt to me. Six months later, I met a new guy. I was thankful because this guy loved me tenderly. Unfortunately, by the time went by, I could see his true colour.He was almost like my first boyfriend. He rudely asked me to lend him a big sum of money too, which I didn't fulfill. I'm now beginning to worry that men only want money from me. I'm not well-paid (I'm only a teacher and teachers in my country, Indonesia, are badly-paid), but my father is wealthy.