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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments forAbusive Behavior Survey

Comments:  Abusive Behavior Survey

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyright© 1998-2005. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 14, 2005
Time: 04:42 PM

S1

test

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 14, 2005
Time: 11:14 PM

S1

I would like to take the survey. I am a male who was the victim of abuse but more disturbingly, the abuser as well.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, May 15, 2005
Time: 10:21 AM

S1

Dr. Wayne, Reading your article this morning was much like opening a precious gift. Thank you for taking the careful time to evaluate the board and consider all of the responses you received.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, May 15, 2005
Time: 10:22 AM

S1

Dr. Wayne, Reading your article this morning was much like opening a precious gift. Thank you for taking the careful time to evaluate the board and consider all of the responses you received.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 16, 2005
Time: 08:28 PM

S1

If Wayne is concerned about abuse across the board, why did he title his book so unimaginatively? Could it be in order to play to the same market as Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?' not forgetting the seminal work that is 'Ditch that jerk' When is someone going to approach this subject professionally? My next book will be called something like......'Why does it take women so long to get ready?' Please stop pandering to the people who you think will buy your book and do some proper empirical research instead. Pez

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Time: 05:52 AM

S1

Pez, I’m sorry for the confusion about my book, “Men Don’t Listen”. The subject of the book is not about “Abusive Behavior”. The books subject is about communication between men and woman. Maybe a review about the book may help. (1) Reviewed by L. Wellman, of Writers Review Club. May be reprinted, modified, as all or part. Review is not copyrighted. “Men Don’t Listen” Women say, “I can’t get him to open up! He just doesn’t listen! I know there is something inside but, I can’t get it out of him.” “There’s a big misconception that men do not want to hear. It is more accurate to say, they do not dare to feel.” The title tells us this is a self-help book. The author has us climb inside of the head of men to decode the secrets they hold onto. Misner’s goal is for the reader to have the relationship they have always dreamed of. Finally, help for the male and female interested in improving or saving a relationship. It is written for anyone who has been frustrated by the male-female relationships and wants guidance with understanding the opposite sex. Use these proven methods to finally understand how to get him to communicate. While the title of this manuscript is sure to draw female attention, this book is for men as well. The author speaks to each group independently at times and other times to both in general. Target readership would include married couples, people recovering from divorce, singles in relationships, singles frustrated by male-female differences, couples trying to save a relationship, and anyone studying interpersonal communication skills. This is a worthy self-help publication written with heart, not theory, and is a clear and well organized book that provides couples with all the ammunition they need to put their lives together back on a positive footing. The author deals with various aspects of relationships, dealing with commonly encountered problems at appropriate length. He writes with an impressive ‘gender neutrality’: the manuscript deals with men’s and women’s attitudes and needs in equal depth, rarely offering a value judgment (‘men are wrong to want this’, etc.). This inclusiveness is perhaps the books key strength: the book can be read by partners, each of whom will feel the author is speaking to them and will therefore take notice of what is being said. As the author covers men and their emotional suppression, we see how unfortunately in our society, men are taught not to express their feelings and what’s even worse, to not even know what they are. And so, when they are attempting to communicate with women or an important partner or a family member, it’s very hard to listen because men don’t have the language or the inner experience to match up with what women, children or adolescent are typically saying to them. Here Misner’s point and analysis suggest how to overcome that. It is very, very important and extremely helpful to illuminate the inner workings of the male psyche to help women gain insights that will open channels of communication with the men in their lives. Misner examines the ways in which society dictates the behavior of men, so that men themselves can better access their emotions and get in touch with the true self that is often obscured while trying to conform to societal expectations of “manly” behavior. Through his approach Misner facilitates a fluid dialogue between the sexes that will break down the barriers that impede reciprocal understanding. Misner often appeals to women’s more sensitive (and in some ways less vulnerable) nature to suggest strategies that will nurture trust and openness in men. Couples who read this helpful and accessible text can hope to enhance the quality of their lives. Not only does Misner provide ways in which men and women can improve the quality of their relationships, but he also offers fresh approaches to time management and interpersonal skills that will alleviate stress and bring love and success into their lives. Another contribution was that the author included so many wonderful, terrific lists about what’s fun, comfort things, what’s playful, finding the child inside yourself, etc. Going back to very basic pleasures that people can share and that can enhance a relationship. Pez you said, “Please stop pandering to the people who you think will buy your book and do some proper empirical research instead.” I pander to the people who will buy the book because I have found that pandering to those who will not buy the book is a waste of time. Wayne L. Misner

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 20, 2005
Time: 05:09 PM

S1

Hi there, I was the one abused woman who checked that they left their partner. In my case it was my husband of 4 years. He's out of my life, and the divorce will be final in Sept. I still can't believe I was the only one out of all the respondents that left! That is just so sad! I figured since I was the odd-ball in the survey you might like some extra info, so I wrote you this long e-mail. I hope you find it useful somehow! Feel free to use or distribute anything in it. I think there are a several things that helped me leave when others couldn't. To start with, I have a B.S. in Law Enforcement Studies, and I am a military professional (Arabic linguist) which requires a higher level of self-confidence, independence, and personal responsibility than many other types of jobs. The military also gave me the support of my chain of command and co-workers with homes for me to escape to. On top of that, my husband and I had no children, so there wasn't pressure to keep a family together. Also, he'd never gotten exceptionally physically violent with me, so there was a bit less fear of him putting me in the hospital. However, I did make sure I had a safe house before I asked him for the divorce! I got the locks changed too! In my case, I think the question is more about how I got into my situation and why it took me so long to get out of it! To answer that honestly I need to cover both sides of the problem. His Side: Two years into our marriage, he revealed that married me to escape from his mother's house, which was a long-tern abusive environment (every type of abuse). He hid the fact that he was badly abused and the fact that he was previously diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality disorder until AFTER the wedding. He never did open up much about the first and I didn't find out about the second for more than 3 years (the discovery is what prompted me to start visiting Dr Irene's site). He also hid other things from me, such as aspects of my beliefs and personality that he didn't like that may have altered our decision to get married. He also was quite the charmer and didn't show any serious red flags until after we got married (we were together 10 months before we wed). For example, one reason I married him was because I felt our communication was excellent, especially the way we could talk through problems. Within WEEKS of our wedding that all went away and he began to call me names, break things, and make threats instead of negotiating. My Side: I have to admit on looking back, that I shouldn't have let the fact that I was getting overseas orders rush me into marrying (that's the downside to the military). Also, I met him on a double-rebound (I had just had two guys dump me back to back for the same girl) when my self-esteem was at a low point. I got swept off my feet and didn't stop to think, "too good to be true..usually isn't." I was just so happy enjoying the attention! Another problem we had was distance. I met him in California, and then he moved to Missouri for most of the time we were dating/engaged. At the time, I thought it was a good thing, because I am in the Navy and have to worry about being deployed to ships. I thought it was a good sign that our relationship got stronger despite the distance. However, in this case it really was a bad thing because it kept me from seeing his abusive tendencies. He only had to be good for an hour or two on the phone every night! As for why I stayed there's alot to it: The First Two Years: I was in a state of shock. I kept thinking, "who is this person, and what did he do with my husband?!" I concentrated more on fixing me, thinking that I must have done something wrong because his changes were so startling (he didn't even like the same kind of music!) and because I didn't recognize the pattern of the abuse cycle for what it was. After that I found out that he hadn't married me for the right reasons, but he said he really had come to love me so we stayed together. The Third year: The war in Iraq was definitely a factor. For about a year I was so busy at work that I was perfectly happy just to come home and go to sleep and try to ignore my domestic issues. I got to where I would simply say, "if you really think so badly of me and want to leave...there's the door." Unfortunately, despite his repeated threats of leaving he never actually used it :P. Emotional Factors: I kept hoping that he would finally respond to my repeated requests for him to get help and somehow turn back into the man I fell in love with. I took my wedding vows very seriously (I'm Christian) and I wanted to try and save my marriage. I told him that there was nothing I could do to help him with his emotional problems other than being supportive, and that he needed to take care of himself, but he had too much pride to go and see a counselor. Also, I fell into the trap of shame. I'm an intelligent, responsible, and capable person with supervisory experience. I didn't want anyone to know (especially those working under me) that I was being abused because I felt it reflected badly on me! I was embarrassed at being fooled like I was during my engagement and was too embarrassed to bring friends or family over because I didn't want them to see how I let myself be treated. I let myself become isolated and the fact that I was working rotating shift hours aggravated the problem. In the end it made my husband's hold over me stronger because he was my only, albeit limited, source of affection and emotional support. The Last Year: After I moved to a more stable job situation during the last year, I finally was able to look back on everything (helped by Dr. Irene's site) and see the relationship for what it was and that the man I married never really existed. At that point I finally told him that he needed to get help or I was going to leave him. He did finally go and see a counselor, but he had waited so long (he's 25 now, I'm 30) and was so broken inside that he actually ended up using the counselor against me! For example, he would come home and tell me, "my doctor thinks you're just a crazy drama queen", and "the name-calling is just a defense mechanism!". He never actually was able to admit he abused me. So, after months of him going to counseling with no signs of any improvement (I was just hoping for something small at least) I decided I just couldn't take it anymore and told him we were getting a divorce. Needless to say I am very pleased with my decision, and am much happier now that I am alone. I'm trying to be more careful now, and have resolved not to even start dating casually for several months just so I can finish getting my head on straight and my life back together! However, I have had healthy relationships before so I'm not excessively paranoid. I just need to avoid getting tangled up with another charming abuser! I hope you found my personal story interesting! Loving Life, Carrie

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 21, 2005
Time: 08:34 AM

S1

Hi Carrie. Thank you for sharing. I know the readers of your personal story will relate to what you have said. Some may gain from your experience. I have found that many people feel they are alone and may be the only one ever facing such problems. When we share and are not embarrassed to tell the many (sad) stories we are giving some the courage to take the steps they must take to make the right decision for them. The fact you can end your story to me with the words, “Loving Life” I’m sure will help many that you will never meet or know about. But believe this- - You have touched them! Wayne L. Misner

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 21, 2005
Time: 11:14 AM

S1

I think the twelve STEPS of NA that you printed in the article/report are in actuality the twelve TRADITIONS. You may want to change either the word STEPS to TRADITIONS, or change what you have listed to the actual steps of NA.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 21, 2005
Time: 11:44 AM

S1

Hi, I got The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous from their web site: http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/default/en_services_aa_sub.cfm?subpageid=44&pageid=34 It's possible that there are many names for them. The main point is people may find help at the various support groups. Thanks for reading the artical and sharing other names that are being used. Wayne L. Misner

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Time: 12:04 PM

S1

This article gave me food for thought about my role in my abusive relationship. It will certainly help me as I endeavor to help others STOP being an abuser or victim or both. GOOD JOB! Q

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, June 13, 2005
Time: 05:57 PM

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Time: 06:25 PM

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, June 20, 2005
Time: 07:13 PM

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, June 26, 2005
Time: 12:28 AM

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, August 06, 2005
Time: 09:35 PM

S1

Hi! Wayne, you have the same name of the man I'm really confused about, or not confused about, and your name got my attention, and so I read your work. Alot of good information, but have read pretty much the same thing about abuse in other articles, but just changing wording, or examples, helps others understand their own issues. If someone is looking for answers they can find them, but a person has to want answers first. I could tell you an interesting life story about abuse, but it would take almost a life time. Inside me is alot of hurt, saddness, and anger. Most of it I realize is my own doing, because I let things happen that I should not have. I have abused myself for trusting, and believing in a man that I should not have put trust in, just gullable, and wanted to believe. Now I'm not a trusting person at all when it comes to getting close and open with a man. I can get along with most everyone, but when it comes to men in relationships, just saying Hi! and moving on works for me. I could care less about dating, being attractive to a man, and could care less about a mans problems. If he can't deal with it, he sure as heck better not dump it on me! Selfishness, denial, and just plain meaness, that has to change if a man wants a trusting partner. I can say this to all the abusers out there that care to read this, it's about you growing up, showing respect, getting a grip on your own life, and dealing with your own anger. It's not everyone elses fault that you can't see yourself for who you really are, and no-one else can fix what you think. You are responsible for your actions, and you are accountable. I get so sick of cry baby men that think you power is so above everything, and your ego is the only thing that makes you a man, that's the one thing that makes you less a man. Think! Think! Think! Use the brain you were given, the right way, and you will see things change for the better for yourself, and people you claim to love. I will never believe that a man loves someone if he is abusing them. That isn't love, and has nothing to do with love, it's has to do with evil, selfish attitudes. How can you love anyone if you can't even love yourself. Every time you say you are sorry for beating, or hurting anyone by your actions, turn around, and tell yourself that's a lie. Your are not sorry you did it, you are only sorry it made you look a little worse. You better believe I'm angry, and it is the right kind of anger, the kind that won't put up with excuses. If you are truely sorry for hurting someone then you will stop doing it, no question about it! You will stop! You will get the help you need to control what you do, you will learn that your power means nothing without real love, because love is power, and it doesn't hurt anyone. No matter what happened to you in your past, the past is the past, and it means nothing, the here and now means everything. Just because you may be big and strong doesn't mean much if you have no self-control, no love, no kindness. You have to live in the here and now, not in your past. I have been abused, and I know what it is like to try to love someone who is treating me like I'm nothing but dirt. Well I'm not dirt, never have been, and never will be, and guess what? I won't be treated that way, and neather should anyone be treated in such a way. Everyone has the right to be loved, respected, and treated well. Hey, this life we have been given is too short as it is, why not make the best of it instead of making it as hurtful as you can, or as abusive as you can. You want to be loved, than be lovable, or lose it all. You have a brain, use it in the way it was meant to be used. Okay, I'm done for now, but remember you are in charge of your own life, not someone elses. What are you going to do with your life, be self-distructive and try to distory everyone around you, or are you going to learn what it really means to love, live, be strong, and live long?

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, August 07, 2005
Time: 08:45 PM

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, August 07, 2005
Time: 08:47 PM

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, August 08, 2005
Time: 06:12 AM

S1

Hi, Hope my name is the only similarity with your man. Yes, the information and the results have been written about before. Also, you must want to change. Some change when they pay a high consequence for their bad behavior and unfortunately others never change. If you are the one who is the receiver of that bad behavior it is up to you to do something about it. The entire article was defining both sides of the issue and suggestions for solving the problem, or finding assistance with the problems. Wayne L. Misner

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, September 04, 2005
Time: 08:28 PM

S1

I had been in a 17 year marriage and stayed with my ex-husband for additional 3 years after divorce because of his battle with alcohhol, drugs and depression he went to a different state to get help. I moved even farther away to another state near my family to help them and brought all the kids with me. Well he called me couple months ago to tell me he was moving on.I'll be honest with you it was like someone ripped my heart out. I looked to the good LORD for answers I got them what I thought was normal all this time in our relationship wasn't it was abuse and control and that is not normal don't get me wrong I believe There was a lot of very deep love that will always will be there for ever. The only difference is there is ni more cycle of abuse occuring or repeating in this this family tree ever. thank you. Josephine G.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, September 18, 2005
Time: 07:53 PM

S1

Thank you Wayne

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Time: 06:11 PM

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 20, 2006
Time: 12:43 PM

S1

Dr. Irene, I am a surviver of physical,emotional, and psychological abuse. I was looking for some answers regarding my low self-esteem today and how can I become a better and more mature person. I have been out of the relationship for 12 years, and clean for 9 years. I go to counseling and have been for the past 10 years, but I found myself in a emotionally abusive relationship and I am so stuck. We have broken off and I don't call him for weeks and then he calls and I find myself caught up with the hopes of being with him, when he is the reason we are apart, he called it off because of a petty disagreement and I decided to just get out while I had the chance. Now he is calling and saying I miss you, will you help me shop for my house and will you clean my home once a month. I went along with it as if nothing happened between us, however we haven't gotten together or seen each other for weeks. No sex has been involved either. I am feeling anxiety and frustration and stressed inside as if a volcano is about to explode. I refuse to call him but I am waiting to hear from him. What the hell is wrong with me?? I want so much to like myself and beleive that the future holds great opportunities to meet a great man who really loves me and will allow me to love them. But I have been so immature with finances and right now I am in school and trying to get off of ssd but I am afraid, my daughter and granddaughter is living with me and I want to be left alone. I just want to get myself together and I feel enclosed and stuck. I am crying out to you but I know the answer is really within me. I just feel so foolish and I don't know why I keep opening up this door for pain over and over again with this guy, when in reality he doesn't truly want me. I also and tired of feeling like he is my only hope for a good life, just because he has a good job and new home and grown children, all the props, but he really doesn't love me and I just don't seem to have internalized that reality. I am greatful for taking the risk of looking up battered wives syndrome and reading your website info. It has helped me understand a lot more about my immaturity and the fact that I need more help in growing up. I have a sponsor and while going over my step work she asked me if I thought I had battered wives syndrome, I thought I had gotten so much better, only to find out that I am still caught up in this cycle but just not with someone who is hitting me and leaving me for dead, but with some one who has a way of making me wish I were dead. Thank you for this opportunity to express what I am experiencing, and I want you to know that I am going to continue counseling and taking my meds, yet I am also going to look for a response and any suggestions you may have to help me become a more mature women. Sincerely.....Linda Foster lj42day@yahoo.com

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 20, 2006
Time: 12:47 PM

S1

Dr. Irene, I am a surviver of physical,emotional, and psychological abuse. I was looking for some answers regarding my low self-esteem today and how can I become a better and more mature person. I have been out of the relationship for 12 years, and clean for 9 years. I go to counseling and have been for the past 10 years, but I found myself in a emotionally abusive relationship and I am so stuck. We have broken off and I don't call him for weeks and then he calls and I find myself caught up with the hopes of being with him, when he is the reason we are apart, he called it off because of a petty disagreement and I decided to just get out while I had the chance. Now he is calling and saying I miss you, will you help me shop for my house and will you clean my home once a month. I went along with it as if nothing happened between us, however we haven't gotten together or seen each other for weeks. No sex has been involved either. I am feeling anxiety and frustration and stressed inside as if a volcano is about to explode. I refuse to call him but I am waiting to hear from him. What the hell is wrong with me?? I want so much to like myself and beleive that the future holds great opportunities to meet a great man who really loves me and will allow me to love them. But I have been so immature with finances and right now I am in school and trying to get off of ssd but I am afraid, my daughter and granddaughter is living with me and I want to be left alone. I just want to get myself together and I feel enclosed and stuck. I am crying out to you but I know the answer is really within me. I just feel so foolish and I don't know why I keep opening up this door for pain over and over again with this guy, when in reality he doesn't truly want me. I also and tired of feeling like he is my only hope for a good life, just because he has a good job and new home and grown children, all the props, but he really doesn't love me and I just don't seem to have internalized that reality. I am greatful for taking the risk of looking up battered wives syndrome and reading your website info. It has helped me understand a lot more about my immaturity and the fact that I need more help in growing up. I have a sponsor and while going over my step work she asked me if I thought I had battered wives syndrome, I thought I had gotten so much better, only to find out that I am still caught up in this cycle but just not with someone who is hitting me and leaving me for dead, but with some one who has a way of making me wish I were dead. Thank you for this opportunity to express what I am experiencing, and I want you to know that I am going to continue counseling and taking my meds, yet I am also going to look for a response and any suggestions you may have to help me become a more mature women. Sincerely.....Linda Foster lj42day@yahoo.com

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 21, 2006
Time: 06:22 AM

S1

Dear Linda, You seem to be in the unhealthy hole that people sometimes fall into. You must continue, ¡§I go to counseling and have been for the past 10 years¡¨. Both men and women fall into bad routines. As an example - - In a previous relationship, one might have been with an alcoholic. You could not take the constant arguments, lies, missed meals, etc., so you left that unhealthy relationship and have started a new one. Now we find you did not learn from that horrible experience and have started the new relationship with yes, you guessed it, a clone, another alcoholic! Like a drug addict seeking a fix, some people seem to seek out or gravitate to the same kind of mate, who in the past has not been the best choice for them. You might be in a self-destructive pattern. A self-destructive pattern is not only one that may destroy relationships but any pattern that someone falls into that may hurt them or those who care for them. Some self-destructive patterns: drugs-alcohol-physical abuse-emotional abuse-bad love selections-over eating-under eating-too much sex-not enough sex. No story in my opinion expresses with more of a profound statement or word picture then the poem: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters64 I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost¡KI am helpless. It is not my fault. It takes forever to find my way out. II I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don¡¦t see it. I fall in. I can¡¦t believe I am in the same place. But it isn¡¦t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. III I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in¡KIt¡¦s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. IV I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. V I walk down another street. „¶ Copyright 1993, Portia Nelson from the book, There¡¦s a Hole in My Sidewalk, Beyond Words Publishing, Hillsboro, Oregon. Wayne L. Misner