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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for Abusive Lady

Comments:  Advice for Abusive Lady

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2003. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Monday January 20, 2003

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Monday January 20, 2003

Alcoholics Anonomous . . . If you are really at the bottom, then you are ready for help. Do it. Do it for you. Don't do it to rescue your marriage. Do it because you are you and you deserve better. But start one step at a time, and find the AA near you on the web.

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Wednesday January 22, 2003

Hi I think knowing and acknowledging that you need help is good. Getting it is highly beneficial for you. Please follow Dr. Irene's advice and get the help that you need. Do something soon and don't let this pain overtake you. Hear are some things I do to help myself when I feel the weight of things: Smile when I don't feel like it. Pop a comedy movie in the VCR...I don't have to watch it, just let it play. The sound of laughter helps. Wear bright colored clothing. Wear my hair in a different style. You said you've lost self-esteem, your job, friends, family and sense of belonging. I have an idea of how you feel. I lost it all or so I thought. I lived in an abusive relationship for many years. My husband and I have a number of children. I love my children very much. I loved my husband dearly as well. When he made it clear that he wanted to be single after more than 20 years of marriage, I was devastated. The children are all grown. My life, all of my life centered around my family. Suddenly, I had nothing. No family, my husband never allowed me to have friends...Zero self-esteem, no money, and no where to go. I have to admit, I cried my heart out, cried on anybody's shoulder who would listen. But my real answers were within myself. I had to learn to love "ME". He didn't. With much prayer and deep consideration of things, I found a nice place to live. I began to do things that "I" want to do. Go places that I like to be. I'm trying to be a positive person. I read upbuilding information. I try to always be around positive people. This will help establish a sense of belonging. I discovered that I haven't lost it all. He has!!! I am a good person with lots of love in my heart. And "I WILL SURVIVE". So will you. If you and your husband fix things, that will be great. Whether you do or not ...fix things with yourself. The sun rises every morning, you should enjoy it. I am not a therapist so I will try to address the "anger" issues. But I am a person whose life was turned upside down and I finding "my way". I guess what I'm trying to say is you are worth the effort to love yourself. Get the help you need. Stay in touch with Dr Irene's site. She and those who responded have really helped me. Hang in there I hope things get better soon. ...BB

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Saturday January 25, 2003

Hi, I am sorry that you feel so bad. There is no reason for you to feel ugly or embarassed or anything else. Everybody can make mistakes, but it seems like few abusive people can rise above them. But....you can! Even Dr. Irene says that abusive/codependent people can change. So if you really want to, you can. I was codependent. I am changing. Not as fast as I would like, but I have learned so much in therapy and so much here. I think the first step is to stop beating yourself up. I also agree that you should get help in counseling and join the catbox. I hope you do the other steps that Dr. Irene mentioned. I am going to try to give you words of encouragement. My XH was abusive. I truly loved him. I had to let go because he would not make the changes he needed to make. Not just changes for us to be married, but changes he needed to make no matter who he is with (our therapists words). But, you can do it. And if you do make the changes you need to make, I guarantee that you will feel better about yourself and be happier! Realizing that you need help is the hardest part. Find out why you are so angry. And I do not feel from reading what you say that you are a bad person or have anything to feel ashamed about. I respect you for speaking out and having the courage to seek help. I hope you take heart from my words and the words of others. You have made mistakes. There is nothing you can do to undo them. But, you can change your outlook with help and you can change things going forward. Please look in the catbox. I post there as Dahlia. Many of us are healing. You'll be welcome.

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Wednesday February 05, 2003

Stop drinking. Seriously. This doesn't sound like a 1-time thing to me. Blackouts are a very serious symptom of alcoholism -- please see someone who is experienced with substance abuse issues to assess whether or not alcohol is a problem for you. The chances are this is not an isolated incident, and your husband got sick of it. I think you haven't yet hit that point where you're taking responsibility for your behavior (yes, I'm speaking from direct experience here). I question the wisdom of feeling backstabbed, as well. Maybe it's time to lose that anger for your husband and examine what brought you to drinking too much, and what brought you to expressing your displeasure so inappropriately; I think that those emotions were always there, beneath the surface. Your husband has not backstabbed you -- for his emotional health, he's cut you out of the picture. One can hardly blame him. Verbal abuse is just like hitting -- if you had knocked his teeth out, would you still feel it was mean of him to leave and to cut you out of his life? You've violated his trust in a MAJOR MAJOR way. You can't blame him for not wanting to be around someone he can't trust. I know I wouldn't hang around if it had been me. Either way, it's done. Accept that you made a mistake, and move on. Your wholeness and happiness are NOT contingent on one single mistake. You can go on despite this. Therapy can help you reach that acceptance. You may never get your husband back, but you CAN recover your dignity and learn skills to avoid this ever happening again. You CAN do this. You're strong and determined, I can see it in your writing. Good luck... -- Andromeda

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Saturday February 15, 2003

Please don't give up. You will get through this although it's not easy. Just be patient and strong and pray too but you must get some mental help. I was in a relationship with a very abusive, controlling, manipulating, man. The relationship lasted 10 years in which I left about 12 times or so. You would have thougt I'd learned my lesson after the first few times. Each time I returned it only became worse and gave hm that much more power and control over me. The mental, emotional, and verbal abuse was awful. He would call me many times a day at work and no sooner when I got in after work the phone was already ringing. Even if I went to takea shower I was told to bring the cordless phone into the bathroom. I finally lost my job, friends, family, and most importantly, my 3 children from my first marriage. Even they could no longer deal with what this man was putting me through. They said, I became a robot. I did whatever he told me to do and put up with all his shit for years. I was totally in love with him or should I say controlled by him, almost like a cult. I've now been 3000 miles away from him for 16 months. Yes, he will always have a special place within my heart but I know that my life and my well-being is so much more at peace and I am back to truly being ME AGAIN! You can do it too!

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Saturday February 15, 2003

When I read that you felt back stabbed, I too went woe....big red flag. From you letter, the way I see it; you flew into one exceptional nasty violent rage. Hubby wouldn't tolerate it anymore..(good for him by the way)and that what makes you mad. I don't hear that you are sorry for what you did. Instead I hear you are sorry because you are being held responsible for it. I think you need to learn to respect yourself, only then will you have respect for other people feelings and possessions. What you abuse you lose, that goes for anyone and anything.

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Sunday February 16, 2003

You are NOT beautiful if your thoughts and words and behaviours are so ugly. You must hate yourself a lot to act the way you do, and please spare us the whining about being back-stabbed. Your husband is probably at the end of his tether and had no choice in what he did. Grow up! Take responsibility for your actions! By the sounds of it, the New Year Eve incident wasn't the first, not by a long shot. Get to a shrink, be scrupulously honest with him/her and yourself, and make a HUGE effort to make amends. Don't go blaming others. Get yourself fixed up. Make a verbal and/or written apology to all the people you've hurt. Don't justify your actions. Admit you've been horrible and are seeking help for your immature personality. By your actions, others will know if you're on the path to reforming. Do I sound harsh? Maybe. I grew up with drunken, violent, squabbling parents and have zero patience with selfish creatures who make others' lives a living hell. Only you can straighten yourself out - nobody can do it for you, and nobody SHOULD do it for you. Stop bleating like a victim and take control. You are an adult- behave like an adult!

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Monday February 17, 2003

After reading this last post. There is something else that is bothering me about this story. While in college you see alot of drinking, but I don't ever recall the girls becoming violent. And if the guys did it was because they were egged on to break stuff. Most of the time they just passed out and/or puked on stuff. I've always thought a nasty drunk is nothing other than a nasty sober person. It also doesn't make sense to me that if you are that drunk that you don't know what you are doing how can you manage the physical coordination to hit the target you want. How can you have accurate aim when drunk out of your mind? Something is fishy with this story, that's what I think. I think someone is claiming to remember less about that incident than they really do. But that would fit...minimizing their own bad behavior with lies and denials so they don't have to take responsibility for it. My other concern is some people hit back when hit..keep this behavior up and it's just a matter of time befoe you run into someone that stikes back. You can't go around using people as human punching bags.

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Tuesday February 18, 2003

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Wednesday February 19, 2003

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Thursday February 20, 2003

HI I need help now!!! mY HUSBAND IS BEING VERY VIOLENT AND ABUSIVE Now!!!!!!

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Thursday February 20, 2003

HI I need help now!!! mY HUSBAND IS BEING VERY VIOLENT AND ABUSIVE Now!!!!!!

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Thursday February 20, 2003

HI I need help now!!! mY HUSBAND IS BEING VERY VIOLENT AND ABUSIVE Now!!!!!!

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Thursday February 20, 2003

HI I need help now!!! mY HUSBAND IS BEING VERY VIOLENT AND ABUSIVE Now!!!!!!

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Friday February 21, 2003

To whoever wrote the above you need to dial 999 or 911 or whatever the emergency number is for your country. I would guess that we missed you and that you need to have help for the aftermath of whatever happened. Please go to the catbox and post there and I will look out for you. There is a 'sticky' thread that will lead you hopefully to DV resources for your area, You need to get out of the situation NOW love Jay[kk]

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Thursday February 27, 2003

I recently overcame a twelve-year addiction to Xanax by using herbal supplements supplied to me by a naturopathic doctor. I have been Xanax-free for two months! The herbal remedies are much safer, cheaper, and are not addictive. (I'm not taking them anymore.) I would like to offer support and encouragement to anyone who has struggled with this drug. Doctors play down its addictive side effects when they first prescribe Xanax. I thought I would never be able to stop taking it, but I did. Others can, too.

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Friday February 28, 2003

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Friday March 21, 2003

Sounds to me like you might want to check out the chapters on Narcissist behavior. The things you say,Ie:" backstabbed"," the man I will always love", and "I am paying a big price for what I did"all sound like manipulative phrases to me, and not very realistic. You are lucky you did not go to jail. Do good and live right and then your family will not ostracize you.

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Friday March 21, 2003

Sounds to me like you might want to check out the chapters on Narcissist behavior. The things you say,Ie:" backstabbed"," the man I will always love", and "I am paying a big price for what I did"all sound like manipulative phrases to me, and not very realistic. You are lucky you did not go to jail. Do good and live right and then your family will not ostracize you.

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Friday March 21, 2003

Sounds to me like you might want to check out the chapters on Narcissist behavior. The things you say,Ie:" backstabbed"," the man I will always love", and "I am paying a big price for what I did"all sound like manipulative phrases to me, and not very realistic. You are lucky you did not go to jail. Do good and live right and then your family will not ostracize you.

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Saturday March 29, 2003

I am not sure about all these posts..the doc asked for "warm words of wisdom." Yes the lady who wrote the interactive sure messed up and needs help.....yes, there are issues to face ......... Lady Hi, My situation is no different. That implies you have had ongoing problems? drinking? I drank too much on new years eve, blacked out, and destroyed my life. Jay Who among us did NOT drink on New Year's eve.......who has never been drunk? Who among us NEVER messed up.......? Lady I hit my husband, broke most of the things in my home, insulted his family, and honestly only remember bits and pieces. Jay The effects of alchohol are devastating......what is is like when this lady is NOT on alchohol? Maybe the responsibility she has to take now is to see that alchohol is something that is an enemy and get help. Confessing how much she messed up and acknowledging that she alone did that is a big step.......how many would go into denial......I note she takes responsibility.....the alchohol affected her but she says "I did it." Living with the knowledge you did that must be very hard. Accepting that you messed up that far.......must be a recipe for lifelong guilt......I think maybe only a religion with a recipe for forgiveness and wiping out the past could in any way help........OK doc I am trying not to preach ............ Lady I know my husband and I have had problems in the past and have split up and tried to make it work. We have been together for five years and just last year we got married despite of what our families said - and it was great for a while. Jay So this couple had all the odds against them .......family were worried maybe but in the end they married...... We both knew we need therapy or counseling to make our lives together stronger and to be there for each other. Lady Two very messed up people marry each other......they both acknowledge that they needed help.......maybe the sad thing is not realising they may both have needed therapy for themselves as people as well as for the marriage........ Lady My husband decided to end our marriage he also has fired me from a business we started together, changed the checking acct., and wants me out. Jay My heart goes out to both of them. I think though that the husband really needed to do this......this is actually an act of love in many ways.....to keep on enabling you dear lady would not have helped either of you. It was an appropriate response and maybe the only one he could have made... It may be in time you see this as a turning point....it made you face yourself.......... Lady I really am trying to cope with this. I am in therapy for anger management. Jay I am glad you are, I agree with the doc you need more than this though to pull through. lady It's really hard to cope with because I never planned for this to happen Jay I guess we never do plan to mess up .....and sometimes we mess up far worse than we knew we could and then the consequences are hard to bear......we did not know we could be like that....did not realise our own capacity to mess up.......... Lady and never thought the next day when I awoke how much damage I had done. Jay That unfortunately is the bit we can never change.....the extent of the messing up.......we can only try to do better in future.......and that takes a lot of work. Lady I feel hurt and very sorry for all I did and realize that I need help. All you can do is say you are sorry. Being hurt is not really where it is at........though my guess is that you acted out because of deep hurts inside...... lady What's hard is that I lost my job, my self esteem, and I am still very much in love with my husband. We have been through a lot together and always had each other to lean on. Jay Tough consequences....A horrible punishment and deserved...but I think in a way it had to be that tough to stop you leaning on straw..........He could have rung the police......you could have gone to jail.......I wish in a way once you started to trash the place he had called them.....much better to have had you locked up for a night and on a charge of some sort before the damage got extensive..... Now is the time to tell yourself you messed up and were lucky not to end up in prison. You need to think about getting a job. Yes you lost a job.....many people do...for all sorts of reasons......start working on what you can do next......getting work will help your self esteem. If you cannot find any do some voluntary work for now......anything to be giving yourself the chance to be doing somethng normal and helpful to others and yourself. .You lost your self esteem......the hard thing will be that your way back will be through doing the things you need for you to become the best person you can......the anger management and the therapy and help for depression........to have self cared enough for yourself to do all that will help you to find self esteem again ........you also will need help to find the good that always was within you......This stuff will block out your ability to say "in this way I mess up....but this thing I did/do that is also *me* is a good thing....... lady lost my friends, my family, my job, my sense of belonging. jay YOu lost everything that defined you......but that stuff you lost ...however much loved did not help the inner you....it enabled the bad stuff to stay....it led up to you drinking and trashing the house and getting violent.......time to start finding out that there is more within you than you know.......that there is a person in there who is worth something. lady I am trying to be ok and don't know how. jay It is time to learn how..........time to take a hold and get yourself the help you need to learn how..... lady I have been looking for a job and apartment, and it's really hard. I am paying a big price for what I did. jay You are......though maybe a better way is to say it is an appropriate price.......It is going to be hard but you will come out of it a better and stronger person if you go through it rather than round it.... lady I am so up and down and very hopeless. I have no one to talk to and that makes it harder. jay Talk to us in the catbox......as long as you are honest and we know where we stand with you we are a pretty supportive lot... Might someone have some encouraging words to help me believe in myself? jay You CAN do it.....you can turn life around .........the doc once said to me that "the teacher comes when you are ready to learn." lady I am a beautiful woman jay Being beautiful is not really the issue; but I am glad there is just even one good thing you can say about yourself...Now however, is the time to work on "beauty is as beauty does." lady and I feel ugly embarrassed and back stabbed by the man I will always love . jay No he did not back stab you.. He did what he had to do. He was enabling you and he had to stop. He is probably also very frightened of what happens to you when you drink too much.......ALL you can do is say sorry and live in the reality of the here and now......get a life together ....but do it for you to restore you to being the best you can be NOT just to win him back......If someone did to me what you did to him.......I would not allow them back either but I would think a great deal more of them if they said and honest sorry and took responsibility for their actions without any "if, buts and accusations>" Tell him you know you got what you deserved for your actions and that you are going to try to do better... Doc. Very sad... But back stabbed? I'm not sure about that... Nevertheless, I am sure you need help! Please, in addition to your anger management, get yourself some individual therapy, and see a psychiatrist for your depression. Jay to lady I want to know if you took this and worked with it? Doc You may have more than just depression getting in your way, preventing you from living fully. And join us for support in The CatBox Forum. Jay to lady Please join us in the Catbox.....the admin will watch the posts carefully to ensure what is said to you is supportive......we would like to see you grow through this and find a new way........love Jay (Catbox admin) Hang in there! Doc Gang, Any warm words of wisdom for this lady

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Sunday March 30, 2003

It sounds very rough...I agree with Doc on what they said to you. However, you never know what may happen next, who knows there is always hope...but the beautiful, (sunlight behind the storm clouds kind of beautiful)part is that,perhaps,youve realized some things about yourself. Thats the big picture, whats going to make you a better person for your life. It sounds like youre beating up on yourself, dont do that, it will get you nowhere, you can let go, just never forget. But just dont stop loving yourself. Elizabeth

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Sunday March 30, 2003

It sounds very rough...I agree with what Doc said to you. However, you never know what may happen next, who knows there is always hope...but the beautiful, (sunlight behind the storm clouds kind of beautiful)part is that,perhaps,youve realized some things about yourself. Thats the big picture, whats going to make you a better person for your life. It sounds like youre beating up on yourself, dont do that, it will get you nowhere, you can let go, just never forget. But just dont stop loving yourself. Elizabeth ------ Listen it is in the silence that one may find their truths. Breathe in life, and have joy =)

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Thursday April 03, 2003

Take one step at a time, one day at a time & be gentle to yourself.Sounds like alcohol maybe a problem, maybe not, but forgiveness is HIS problem, NOT yours.Meetings are also a great resource to not feel lonely-there's many out there(i.e.emotions anonymous, AA, ACOA, ACA etc.).Maybe force yourself to do ONE nice thing a day for yourself may help...you've got to start somewhere.One thing I do is to write-I may never send the letters to my unaffiliated one, but it helps me get it out.I know deep down in my heart that I may have problems, but it takes TWO to tango and accepting all the "blame" is ridiculous for a relationship ending...forgiveness is part of relationships most people DON'T know how to go about.We are ALL special and have something to offer to this world, but you must do the work for yourself and I won't kid you, it takes a lot of work,but the outcome is that you will be an incredible person with much to offer both yourself and another person.LOVE yourself, don't accept less than what you deserve and give up any addictive behaviors that could do you in.There's one INCREDIBLE book I recently discovered that is like no other, it's called,"Boundaries and Realtionships"(Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self).Though I have been told over the years that our childhood experiences mold us, I never really understood until I read this book...it may help you correct some bad habits.Please understand I am offering suggestions, but it doesn't sound like the guy is worth your anguish.It's hard, I know, I just got left for another, but I know deep down inside I am worth a lot more than I was given.I will face any and all my problems-he will probably never face his and it's sad because what brought us to an end will be HIS own destruction and despair eventually.Above all, DON'T be afraid to seek help-you can have back everything in life and MORE(except the problem husband, this you need to accept)-do NOT idolize a problem relationship that has gone bad.Be strong and FACE your problems, whatever they may be.Do you realize how many people will not face their problems?And then they bring baggage into a new relationship.Most of our problems occur in childhood and we're not even aware of it.Be strong girlfriend.You will be fine with help, but first, FORGIVE YOURSELF!!! -sammi

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Thursday April 03, 2003

Take one step at a time, one day at a time & be gentle to yourself.Sounds like alcohol maybe a problem, maybe not, but forgiveness is HIS problem, NOT yours.Meetings are also a great resource to not feel lonely-there's many out there(i.e.emotions anonymous, AA, ACOA, ACA etc.).Maybe force yourself to do ONE nice thing a day for yourself may help...you've got to start somewhere.One thing I do is to write-I may never send the letters to my unaffiliated one, but it helps me get it out.I know deep down in my heart that I may have problems, but it takes TWO to tango and accepting all the "blame" is ridiculous for a relationship ending...forgiveness is part of relationships most people DON'T know how to go about.We are ALL special and have something to offer to this world, but you must do the work for yourself and I won't kid you, it takes a lot of work,but the outcome is that you will be an incredible person with much to offer both yourself and another person.LOVE yourself, don't accept less than what you deserve and give up any addictive behaviors that could do you in.There's one INCREDIBLE book I recently discovered that is like no other, it's called,"Boundaries and Realtionships"(Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self).Though I have been told over the years that our childhood experiences mold us, I never really understood until I read this book...it may help you correct some bad habits.Please understand I am offering suggestions, but it doesn't sound like the guy is worth your anguish.It's hard, I know, I just got left for another, but I know deep down inside I am worth a lot more than I was given.I will face any and all my problems-he will probably never face his and it's sad because what brought us to an end will be HIS own destruction and despair eventually.Above all, DON'T be afraid to seek help-you can have back everything in life and MORE(except the problem husband, this you need to accept)-do NOT idolize a problem relationship that has gone bad.Be strong and FACE your problems, whatever they may be.Do you realize how many people will not face their problems?And then they bring baggage into a new relationship.Most of our problems occur in childhood and we're not even aware of it.Be strong girlfriend.You will be fine with help, but first, FORGIVE YOURSELF!!! -sammi

 

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