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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Comments for 3 Yrs Later

Comments:  3 Years Later

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2003. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Monday April 14, 2003

Megan, You sound so healthy! I let go of an abusive relationship almost 3 years ago & I'm marrying the love of my life this October. It is WONDERFUL living a peaceful life with someone who actually loves me back. I was in my abusive relationship for 2 1/2 years...I can't imagine what 23 years was like. Congrats to you in getting out after all that time & finding a wonderful person with whom you can share your life! JM

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Monday April 14, 2003

Megan, You sound so healthy! I let go of an abusive relationship almost 3 years ago & I'm marrying the love of my life this October. It is WONDERFUL living a peaceful life with someone who actually loves me back. I was in my abusive relationship for 2 1/2 years...I can't imagine what 23 years was like. Congrats to you in getting out after all that time & finding a wonderful person with whom you can share your life! JM

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Monday April 14, 2003

Megan, your story warms my heart. You are such courageous person. Leaving a mate is something that we never wanted to do, but when it becomes a matter of life or death,then we must decided. Your story is very inspiring and very familiar... I have been married for 23 years myself. I am now separated from my abusive husband. I know for certain that I will never live in such danger again. I am very proud for you and your new life. I am now 45 years old, also and I look forward to the time when I will have a life with someone who truly loves me. Again, congratulations on your success. Betty

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Monday April 14, 2003

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Tuesday April 15, 2003

Dear Megan, What a fantastic story to read! I like the now and then (red and blue) comments. Those were so clear.

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Wednesday April 16, 2003

Go girl go!

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Wednesday April 16, 2003

Hi Friends... I am Megan! What a supportive group we are! I have to tell you - that yes, three years later I am definately making progress with my "recovery" following 25 years of abuse... the residual effects are still there - that is why I am still here. I want people to know that true happiness exsists - and there is NO excuse for ABUSE! I am happy and I get healthier - thanks to the help of a very loving, patient husband, a supportive family and support and resources like this site! I continue to work at it everyday! Thanks for the kind words! Megan!

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Thursday April 17, 2003

Megan, your story is very inspiring! Thank you.

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Sunday April 20, 2003

Megan, What is there left to say? Your words speak volumes. Just one thing bothers me. How does a person go from being with someone all their life and onto someone else successfully without being alone for awhile so they can really get to know themselves first? Because I always hear that only then will you be able to be with someone else in true "peace and love". Anyone have an answer to this? Including Megan? All my best to you, CC

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Sunday April 20, 2003

CC - I don't believe you have to be "alone" to get to know and love yourself. Although the time I spent "alone" after my separation/divorce was short - I was alone for a while. I bought a home - and I supported myself...and I lived the 'single' life. I have spent many, many hours in therapy - many, many hours reading and praying and working hard on me. I have a "mission statement" for myself ever year - and the year I divorced, my missions statement was "Happiness is grown in your own garden"... I spent the entire year working on my own happiness and understanding that I was NOT responsible for ANYONE else being happy either. There is no doubt in my mind that my current husband and myself were meant to be together. I am 45 years old...I wish we could have been together sooner...(Remember, we dated BEFORE I dated my ex-husband...when I was 16 years old I wrote in my diary "I will marry this man one of these days" - little did I know that it would be nearly 30 years later) What would be the benefit of us waiting while we get to "know" ourselves better?? I understand it might be important for some people - but I think all of us are different. We all have different circumstances that have affected us - we all need to deal with situations appropriate for ourselves individually. I am confident that I know and love myself. It was that love that gave me the courage to get out of my abusive relationship. Of course, I still work on "me"... everyday. It would be another dysfunctional relationship if I weren't 'allowed' to work on me - but that isn't the case for me anymore. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband ... and I am able to have a wonderful relationship with me! I appreciate your thoughts, CC... My 2003 mission - Sailing toward the sunshine, leaving the past behind!!!!!! Megan

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Tuesday April 22, 2003

Thank you Megan for sharing. Your story gives me so much hope. I've been sitting on the fence for awhile wondering when and if I will have the strength to leave. I feel that I will one day after reading your story. Jackie

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Friday April 25, 2003

Jackie - You will be able to 'get off the fence' when you are ready - no one can make you do it any sooner. However, my advice would be... Let Go..Go On. Before my ex-husband and I separated - I made a goal for myself that I would spend less than 10 hours a week in conflict. I began keeping track - actually logging the hours that were spent in conflict - logging the hours I spent in tears. It was amazing. We spent MORE time in conflict - than I spent at my full time job!!!! I kept track like that for about 6 months...then I had an "Ah-Ha" moment - It wasn't going to change - it wasn't going to do me any good to keep track if I didn't do something to change it myself. I would just keep logging the same conflictive hours day after day. That was so helpful. Take a look - what is a day in the life of Jackie like? How long do you want to live like that? What would it take for YOU to make the difference - because...it is probably unlikey that your abuser will change. Best of luck to you... Megan

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Tuesday April 29, 2003

Megan, I'm in a situation exactly like yours. I found this website because I was trying to find an answer to my question of "is my husband verbally and mentally abusive to me?" I know now that he is. I just thought it was normal behavior for him. We only knew each other 6 months when we married. I was 18 right out of high school and he was just turning 20. I became pregnant 7 months later and knew from then that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. We now have 3 children, ages 22, 20 and 17. We have been married almost 24 years and I am still miserable. I left him 2 years ago for 1 year. In that year, he constantly begged, cried and done everything under the sun to get me back and give him another chance to change. I went back only because of our 2 oldest children being in college and it was too draining on our finances to be paying for 2 households. He changed for about 6 or 8 months. But the last couple he has shown his old behaviors. Guess that is who he is, and he won't ever change. Anyway, 5 and a half years ago, I ran into the love of my life from high school. His marriage wasn't doing well either. We met a few times innocently, but it ended up in a full fledge affair. I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is so loving, kind, funny, and he thinks the way my husband treats me is unspeakable. We both feel the same way about divorce while we still have children at home. He came from a divorced home, and didn't see his mom for 5 years. He said he would never put his daughter through a divorce. I felt the same way, and still have one at home for another year. I take one day at a time, waiting for my time to leave. I know the next time will be for good so I am planning my future in the meantime, by talking to lawyers and saving as much money as I can in secret. I'm really glad you found happiness and I know someday I will too. I would really like to talk sometime. We have so much in common. My friends have not gone through this sort of thing, and it's hard for them to understand. My e-mail is cocoa61@hotmail.com. If you write me, please say the subject is "friend at Dr. Irene's website." I delete all my junk mail. Signed Michele

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Tuesday April 29, 2003

Michele... As I have said - the timing has to be yours - and yours alone ... but I will tell you, I was also scared to leave and I didn't want my girls to be children of divorced parents. My girls were in the minority of their friends in high school because their parrents were still married. I wanted that for them – I didn’t want them to be hurt by divorce. As I said, my biggest regret is that I allowed my girls to believe it was okay to be treated that way. It was a real testimony to hear my oldest daughter “toast” her new step-dad at our wedding celebration. She said “ Here is to a man that loves my mother and treats her like a queen, the way she deserves to be treated – finally” In the end – it is the peaceful household of a happy mother and a loving stepfather that has finally given them the gift a father is supposed to give a child – the love for their mother. I will be in touch with you Michele - all my best to you. Megan

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Saturday May 03, 2003

This story has given me a lot of hope for my situation. I am really tired of feeling like it is all my fault. Thank you.

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Thursday May 08, 2003

After reading Megans story, I am seeing my own reflection. I was 41 and had been married 22 years, stuck in a living hell. I truly thought I was nothing but a F-Bitch, when you hear it all your life you start to believe it. An old classmate got in touch with me through Classmates.Com, he was my first boyfriend when I was 12. He tracked me down when I was 17 he lived 5 hours away I didn't think a long distance relationship was possible - so at 19 I married - 22 years in hell. If this old friend hadn't gotten in touch with me I may have never come to understand abuse. I refused to allow my children to grown up thinking this was ok, or yet worse, be the abuser. I divorced him! YEA!!! 10 months later I married the boy I adored at 12 and again at 17. He is the most gentle man I have ever known life is so good and happy now. The verbal abuse and threats from my ex are worse than ever, he is even trying to get custody of our 13 year old son. And told my 6 year daughter it is because of the man I am married to as to why "I" broke up the family. I hope some day they will realize why I had to do it. My ex has been mad at the world for many years and I finally realized I could never change him but I could change things for me. It feels good doesn't it!!!?

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Thursday May 29, 2003

It is funny how similar the stories are, just different people. I have also been married a very long time. It will be 23 years this year. I recently started seeing a psychologist when my daughter was being treated for anorexia. This was the scariest time of my life, but it really opened my eyes to what was going on. After you are in something for so long, it begins to feel "normal". My husband would keep saying things like every family has problems and that people on the outside think we are a perfect family, but that couldn't be further from the truth. When my children became teenagers, everything began to really fall apart. When my daughter became anorexic, I realized that something was really terribly wrong. My husband kept saying that there was nothing wrong with her and that eventually she would eat because she likes food. But I knew that it was way worse than that and finally found the courage to go against him. As my daughter started to go through recovery, I was forced to recognize how skrewed up things really were. We have constantly been walking on eggshells never knowing when something or someone would set him off. When he did something terrible he would try to pretend it never happened or that he didn't remember it. After my daughter started to recover from the anorexia, my husband had the audacity to tell my daughter she was getting fat and made her stand infront of the mirror and told her take a look at herself and tell him if she still want to eat whatever she was eating! My daughter's psychologist went ballistic, and so did I. After fighting for months to keep her alive, I could not understand how he could say such a thing. My psychologist eventually told me she thought he was a narcissist, and suggested I read up on it. I did, and found this web site. I was like WOW!!!! That is sooooooo him! I never understood how he could think the way he did until I read about this disorder. Now the big problem I have is how to let go after so many years. I know I have to do this for my sake and the children's as well, but I am afraid.....I don't know of exactly what, maybe just the unknown. It is inspiring to read the stories of others who have been in this situation, and managed to get away. I know it is something I have to work on. I just worry about the effect on the kids, but my psychologist assures me that they will benefit. It is just so hard. I keep wondering if I am doing the right thing... after so many years of being told how incompetent you begin to question your judgement about everything. I just hope I can find the strength to make it through. Can anyone tell me about the outcomes for the children? Do they get better when you leave? Thanks all.

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Monday June 02, 2003

Megan, Congrats on your new life! Don't look back! You join the rest of us who have escaped and discovered the rest of our lives. The peace I've discovered is so beautiful that I'm in awe of it. I wish you all the happiness and peace you can stand! Zoe

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Friday June 20, 2003

Megan, your story is so much like mine, and after reading the posts it's clear that many people are in similar situations. I am 49 and have been married for 27 years. I'm still sitting on the fence despite the fact that all you have said in your message I have experienced and thought about and felt for longer than I care to say. My husband is very much as your describe your ex. I planned to leave this year,(my children are all in college now and I'm able to be financially independent) but, here I am still fence sitting and unable to move. We are currently in a pattern of being nice and civil to each other - after years and years of therapy. But I don't feel that he has really changed or that he feels any differently toward me - just that he as learned to put his best face forward( he has always been so good at that). Right now there is nothing. I go through each day and try to stay upbeat but I feel empty. I'm very afraid that I will never have the courage to leave. I asked him if he wants to stay in a marriage like this and he indicated that he could. I don't want to but I'm so afraid. The questions you asked in your first letter are exactly what goes through my mind. It is very frustrating.Your letters and this website have helped me immensely. I'll let you know if and when I ever make a decision. Thank you so much for sharing and I'm so glad I found this website. Mary

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Wednesday July 30, 2003

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Thursday August 07, 2003

Megan, I am where you were. Reading your story did two things: filld me with anxiety because I feel so hopeless but also gave me a picture of how life can be. Right now I am contemplating how I might find professional help for my husband, even though he refuses himself to get it. He talks suicide all the time, although makes no specific plans. My therapist thinks he does not have the personality to fulfil it. We live with his mom, whom he mistreats. She is miserable and, at 77, deserve a better life. He will not work. He is always moody, extremely angry, abusive, suspicious, controlling. I feel guilty about my affair, although the man if very good to me and we want a life together. But I wish I could have made myself better and gotten out of my marriage first. But like you before, I feel I am stuck on a fence. I despair of life so many times. I am 48 and feel the best part of my life is over. All the things you shared, the years you invested with him, the pity you feel for him, are a constant part of every day for me. This is like being trapped in the most horrible nightmare I could imagine. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I'm so thankful you finally took care of yourself. ...Patti

 

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