January 20, 2001
is not necessary to understand things
in order to argue about them.” - Caron
proverb encouraged me to write “Fighting Rules.”
time you are upset with one another try using my “Fighting
punching, pushing, grabbing, etc.
denunciation, obscenities, character assassination, contempt, sarcasm,
people argue; all outsiders do not join in.
talks two minutes and the other is quiet for two minutes and than
the other partner talks their two minutes (no interruptions).
the subject. (Not personalities i.e. "you’re just like your
talk about anything that happened before--only the present subject,
not the past.
assume, guess, imagine, take for granted, theorize, surmise, speculate,
make gestures, judgments, funny glances or faces about what your
partner means. Find out!
you feel. Don't assume the other knows what you feel,
want, need, or what you mean.
each other’s accomplishments.
have equal rights.
switching, or changing the subject.
other the ability to withdraw or change their mind.
undo pressure on the other.
angry (yelling or exploding).
one feel guilty (no guilt trips).
while either one of you is under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
Use "I" Statements
Lori Gordon's dialogue guide = Passage to Intimacy
recommends using the following words:
I am puzzled
I am hurt
I am afraid
I am frustrated
I am happier
I statements are not as offensive when you’re trying to be
have been criticized that no one will be able to remember all these
points. It’s possible that is true. Which of the above
do you think can be deleted? (The last one really covers them all
if you can’t remember all the others.)
is never without a reason,
seldom with a good one.” - Benjamin
Technique for “Problem Solving”
procedure that might help when a problem must be discussed is shown
in the following prototype:
Along with the other one hundred fifty department heads working
at Morristown Memorial Hospital in New Jersey, I received an order.
Mr. Clark, president of the hospital, was explaining some of the
recommendations of the Management Firm seminar that he had just
completed. One recommendation of the firm was that when a
department head had a problem and wanted to discuss it with the
president, the department head first had to research the problem,
find three solutions, and then meet with him. Mr. Clark continued
to explain that it was possible he would use one of the solutions
or none of them. He might come up with some of his own to
be combined with the department heads' ideas or he might take pieces
of more than one solution.
recommend that you and your partner try this method. This
technique makes both of you work as a team. The technique
will create a true alliance and partnership. Instead of one person
just dropping or dumping a problem on the other and walking away,
both of you are looking for a mutually acceptable solution to most
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