[You are so right,
you can quote me on this, OK, I did.
I would be
classed as the victim and my husband the abuser. We went through the
stories and sections together. We actually laughed at the verbal abuse sections.
Saying to each other "that's you", "that's me". Great! Humor is a
wonderful healer! It does help to know were not alone. Yes! I didn't see a lot of
exercises , things to try, There are the boundaries section
we couldn't match to us. Different strokes for different folks...
I don't know if
this will help you or anyone, but here's what we've been doing. There
has been progress, actually a lot. Keep in mind not a lot of time -
maybe 1 1/2 months but its been peaceful. I feel more at peace. For any
couple who has been trying, especially for the abuser who has been
trying, do this:
Couples in Recovery
Sit down facing
each other. The victim needs to explain all the hurts, the helplessness
they feel, give examples, mention the times you cried silently.
The abuser needs to try to explain where the abuse comes from, why its
feels so important to them, and why something simple can make them so
angry that they have to hurt the ones they love.
Then it is very
important for both to share what they dream their marriage could be. I
like to use the words, "fulfilling, nourishing, comforting, loving,
sharing with each other". After we went through that emotional 4-5
hours, I found it extremely important that we started the next day
My advise, and it
worked for us, is:
|Do not harp on
it. You said what you had to say and he/she said what they had to
on the dream and work towards it one day at a time. |
does feel they are blamed for everything. Right or wrong, no
progress can be made by focusing on it. |
We have agreed to
go week by week.
|3 things we
were proud and happy about|
|2 things we
should work on for next week. |
ends there until next week. |
We don't stop in
the middle of the week and start blaming, or thinking we have to rethink
our current situation. We wait until our sit down time. That
makes for a peaceful week with no emotional roller coasters.
I also made sure
he understood that it was not all him. Don't get me wrong, the abuse is
all him, but I know I am not perfect. Yes. There are areas in which I need to work
on. Like not always being on the defensive. Other areas like money, my
laziness at times, my demanding attitude. These things are issues he has
with me. I admit and recognize, and we work together.
We build each other
up and encourage our common goal: which is a good, lasting marriage of
We have made
progress. I will let you know how it goes from time to time. The good
and the bad.
Thank you Dr
Irene, for caring enough to email me back. I wish I could reply to
everybody! I appreciate what you are doing. Thank you
Dear Nine Years,
I was very happy
to see this email. You two are on the right track. Not only are you
taking responsibility for your own life, your husband is too!
Not all abuser people try to... An exercise such as this will only work
when there is commitment on the part of both parties. Looks like
you have it!
I liked your
exercise, so I am posting it.