Thanks once again for having this site available for so many of us to
view and to give us hope. I wanted to let you know that I finally
filed a protective order against my husband.
I initially started with filing
involuntary commitment papers on him. I thought that if the social
worker could see the harm that my husband was doing to himself,
that my husband could get the help that he needed. I did this
almost immediately after I received your reply but I
procrastinated on actually signing the papers until a few weeks later.
The final push came when my husband got very verbally abusive towards my
eldest daughter. That very next day, I went and signed the papers
for the commitment and the judge signed them without any hesitation.
The problem was that the social
worker wouldn't be able to interview my husband for at least two days.
I couldn't wait. So I went back to the court house and filed a
protective order (for me). It was turned down because the abuse
had been over a year ago. So I then filed one on behalf of my
daughter. That one was signed. He was served within the hour.
We had our hearing two weeks ago. The protective order stands with
the modification that my attorney made which is that there is no statute
of a time limit for physical abuse so they changed the protective order
for me not my daughter.
I made a stipulation of when he
could have any contact with me: only when we were in counseling, if he
chose to go to counseling. Of course he said "yes".
I finally got a schedule from my husband on when our appointments are.
Apparently my husband has had nothing but good to say about this
counselor (a male). I was leery at first but after only one couples
session and one individual session with the counselors' co-worker (a
female), I felt good about how they were going to "treat" us,
especially me.
My husband and I were to have
another couples session just yesterday, but as soon as I arrived to the
appointment, my husband gave the counselor a note and apologized for
having to leave. The counselor read the note while in session with
me. He said that the note had not said why my husband couldn't
stay but that he (my husband) was sure that I had enough to say to take
up the time of our session. The counselor said that during my
husband's individual session the day before, that my husband made a
comment that I was becoming a "women's libber". Was this
because I had seen a "woman" therapist? The counselor pointed
out a few "traits" that he had picked up on about my husband.
He told me that he thought my husband was a "borderline
personality" and this would be the only second male case that he
had ever encountered in his career. (I find
that disorder much more prevalent in women, but I've seen many male
borderlines!) That this personality disorder
usually is a female disorder. The counselor got a book on
disorders and started reading symptoms out loud to me. Not only
does my husband fit into this "borderline" disorder, he fits
into the "histrionic" and also the "narcissistic"
too. This counselor thinks that my husband will not change because
he won't acknowledge any of these traits of his disorders.
He also told me to be careful because
my husband may start to think that I've manipulated the counselor into
taking my side of things. This counselor said to not be
disappointed if I have to give up on this relationship, but if that ever
happens to definitely keep the protective order in force. He wants
to keep on going with the sessions to see if any of this will help out
my husband at all. I will continue with the sessions but I will
not let myself believe my husband has changed just because my husband
says he has or even if the counselor says so. I need to see it and
I need to see it continue for a long period of time before I will
believe anything he says again.
Just yesterday I was feeling
panicked about our relationship, wondering how things will turn out.
After finding out that the problems my husband has actually have names
to them, I for some reason feel relieved. The only stress that I
may feel now is the stress that I may have to pack up the kids and move
again because he knows where we live.
Thank you so much Dr. Irene. You are a Godsend. Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
Good for you. You
took your power and put sanity into your life. Sounds to me as though
you are in good hands with this counselor. Also sounds as though you
have a good plan.
I'm sorry it
looks as though your marriage won't work out. Your husband appears to be
a very sick man. At least he will no longer harm you and your children.
Thank you for
updating us on what happened.
My very best
wishes, -Dr. Irene
(Ps. Ask your
counselors if they would like to be listed in the Abuse Therapist Directory)
Read what Dr.
Irene has to say about Borderline Personality
Disorder and Criteria for Diagnosis.
