How to get Dr. Irene's Advice: Look here!

Ask The Doc Board

The CatBox Archives

 

(Archives)

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Doc@DrIrene.com

Dump Him!

Dump Him!

To: <deardrirene@drirene.com>

Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 

Subject: E-Mail Advice

Dear Dr. Irene,
I am grateful for your site as I have been struggling with my being codependent with my boyfriend who was (is) a drug user for almost 6 years now.  He was just released from a drug program in the state prison system 2 weeks ago.  I took care of all of his affairs while he was gone and visited him every weekend, sent money, packages, etc.   Before he was arrested, it had gotten extremely bad with him.  I had restraining orders against him and had called the police several times because of his abuse towards me.  I could write volumes of the things that he said and did to me.   I was at the lowest point in my life and ended up in the hospital with a breakdown.   But, for some reason, I still, inside of me, loved him.  Then when he went to this rehab, I honestly believed that he had made the choice to change his life.  It seemed that he had finally gotten to the point where he didn't want to live like that anymore.  We also had decided that if we could still love each other after all we had been through, that it had to be a special kind of love.  We had planned to get married next Saturday. But, 2 days after he came home, he started making me feel like I wasn't good enough again.  My children and I were supposed to change our way of life because he was here now.  It was little things, but he made me feel like I couldn't do anything right.  And of course I was supposed to understand that it would take time for him to adjust to being free.  I tried to be understanding, but I don't want to feel this way.

I have a good job as a bookkeeper and make decent wages.  I have a nice apartment for my children and myself and feel good about my life except when he comes into the picture.  Why is it that I can function in other areas of my life but seem to fall apart because he criticizes me?  I am so confused, not to mention disappointed and hurt that the same behavior has started again.  I do know enough not to marry him now.  The problems will only get worse.  I have asked him to move out, but I know that it will be a battle.  He has been gone for 2 days now with no word from him.  My suspicion is that he is with his friends and using again.  I really need help as I am afraid of what he might do.  He has proven in the past that he is capable of some very vile acts. 
Thank you for taking the time to listen to me,
Sandy

 

Dear Sandy,

What are you doing?

Get a restraining order, put his things on the front stoop while he's gone, and change the locks. Then call your local women's shelter for a therapist referral. If you can't do this for yourself, do it for your children.

Dr. Irene