 | If you are the least bit annoyed, do nothing.
Exercise is the best way to get rid of "anger chemicals," or just walk away and
wait till you chill. |
| Before you open your mouth, stop and think
about how and what you will say. |
| Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Calmly. |
| Never, ever raise your voice. |
| If your partner thinks your voice is too
loud, it is too loud. It doesn't matter if you don't agree. |
| If you are too emotional to control yourself,
see an MD for a medication evaluation. Inability to control emotions is often a real
physical disorder that can be helped! |
| Give up drinking. Alcohol use is associated
with anger and violence. |
| Never, ever hit, punch, tap or push your
partner or any object. |
| Never, ever walk away from, walk ahead of,
roll your eyes, yawn, breath hard, sigh, frown, or make any other unnecessary behavioral
expressions of anger towards your partner. |
| Make eye contact when addressing your partner
or replying to them. |
| Acts of omission are no less angry than acts
of commission. |
| Your criticism is not
"constructive." |
| Do not make threats. |
| Everything you think, do, like, dislike,
wear, eat, etc., is your responsibility. Own it. |
| Nobody makes you angry. You do
that to yourself. That is why only you can stop it. |
| Remember all these things when you are
angry. |
| It is OK to disagree with your partner. |
| Respect your partner's position when you
disagree. Especially if you disagree. |
| When your partner asks a question, answer the
question. |
| If you hurt your partner, apologize.
(Apologize because something you did hurt their feelings, not because you did
something "wrong.") |
| You tell someone about your own
feelings; ask about theirs. |
| You decide things only for yourself. For
others you may suggest...once or twice. Only. |
| When your partner tells you something you
don't like, don't tell them why they are wrong or don't feel the way they say
they do. |
| Listen to what they have said. |
| Ask questions to clarify your understanding
of their position, but do not add your input no matter how much you want to, or
"know" it is the right thing. |
| Don't assume you know what's on your
partner's mind. Ask. Then listen. |
| Accept whatever answer you get; you have no
other (sane) choice. |
| If your partner asks for something, give it
if you reasonably can. |
| Hear your partner's requests. You
are not the judge of whether the request was "important." |
| Do not impose anything unwanted on your
partner, even "good" things. |
| Do not "count" deeds or things your
partner did not ask for and then expect things in return. |
| Your partner's feelings are the most
important thing in the world! |
| You can only tell someone about your own
feelings; ask about theirs. |
| If your partner does not think a
"joke" is funny, it is not. |
| If one of you wants to do something
(together), and the other doesn't, the two of you don't do it. |
| Don't expect people to read your mind. They
can't. Ask for what you want |
| Accept what you get or don't get. |
| Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. |
| Don't do anything with these feelings
(including judge, shame yourself, kick yourself, pretend you don't have them, etc.). Just
notice them. |
| Articulate the thoughts, especially if
something bothers you; write it down on paper so you can see it in black and white. Do
this for you. |
| If something hurts, let it hurt. Feel the
pain, but don't dwell on it. |
| There is nothing to prove to anybody. |
| Other people can and will think what they
want. Accept that. |
| It is not your responsibility to take care of
another adult; that belongs to them. |
| Do not accuse your partner of being "selfish."
It is their job to be self-caring. |
| Your partner is not "too
sensitive." There is no such thing. Sensitivity is a trait you need to cultivate. |
| If you remember only one thing: the keyword
is respect. Respect your partner. Respect yourself. |
1999-2001. The material on this
website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that
author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
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