(1a) Insist on
Your Boundaries - Resist Abuse
Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand
reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on
respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.
Demand a just and proportional treatment.
Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.
If you are up to the inevitable
confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.
Never show your abuser that you are afraid
of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb
to blackmail.
If things get rough- disengage, involve law
enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is
the abuser's weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with
your full arsenal to the first transgression.
Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a
first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes,
boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back
on your word. Be firm and resolute.
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize
every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed
of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible
and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.
Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of
their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being
abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats
you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to
disinfest abuse.
(1b) Mirror His Behavior
Mirror the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words.
If, for instance, he is having a rage attack – rage back.
If he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language
and content. If he leaves the house – leave it as well, disappear on him.
If he is suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating,
humiliating, go down to his level.
(1c) Frighten Him
Identify the vulnerabilities
and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating
blows at them.
If a narcissist has a secret
or something he wishes to conceal – use your knowledge of it to threaten
him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events
and recently revealed evidence.
Do it
cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner.
Let his imagination do the
rest.
You don't have to do much except utter a
vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of
events.
Needless to add that all
these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good
services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way –
they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of
other criminal offences.
(1d) Lure Him
Offer him continued Narcissistic
Supply. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering,
withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation,
admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).
(1e) Play on his Fear of Abandonment
If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon
him.
You can condition the threat ("If you don't do something
or if you do it – I will desert you").
The narcissists perceives the following as threats of
abandonment, even if they are not meant as such:
II. I can't Take It Any Longer -
I Have Decided to Leave Him
(IIa) Fight Him in Court
Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds
devastating, especially in a court of law, for instance during a
deposition:
Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his
inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement,
exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the
narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated,
subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. Any
description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from
many others. Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent,
deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the
know, manipulated, a victim.
The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these
and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely
to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.
The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred,
aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his
entitlement. Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that
the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even
sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the
narcissist.
Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best
treatment, that his needs are not everyone's priority, that he is boring,
that his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical
doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are
transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that
his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will
be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that he is subject to
court procedures, etc. - and the narcissist will lose control.
Contradict, expose, humiliate, and berate the narcissist
("You are not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind
all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "So, you
have no formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much older)
... sorry, you are ... old", "What did you do in your life? Did you study?
Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you
define yourself as a success?", "Would your children share your view that
you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is
(suppressed grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning disbelief)".
Be equipped with absolutely
unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for
information.
(IIb) If You Have Common Children
I described in
"The Guilt of the Abused -
Pathologizing the Victim" how the system is biased and titled against
the victim.
Regrettably, mental health professionals and
practitioners - marital and couple therapists, counselors - are
conditioned, by years of indoctrinating and dogmatic education, to
respond favorably to specific verbal cues.
The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one sided - in other
words, that it is invariably "triggered" either by the victim or by the
mental health problems of the abuser. Another common lie is that all
mental health problems can be successfully treated one way (talk therapy)
or another (medication).
This shifts the responsibility from the offender to his
prey. The abused must have done something to bring about their own
maltreatment - or simply were emotionally "unavailable" to help the
abuser with his problems. Healing is guaranteed if only the victim were
willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with the
abuser. So goes the orthodoxy.
Refusal to do so - in other words, refusal to risk further
abuse - is harshly judged by the therapist. The victim is labeled
uncooperative, resistant, or even abusive!
The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and
collaboration with the therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her
interpretation of the events, and the use of key phrases such as: "I wish
to communicate/work with (the abuser)", "trauma", "relationship",
"healing process", "inner child", "the good of the children", "the
importance of fathering", "significant other" and other psycho-babble.
Learn the jargon, use it intelligently and you are bound to win the
therapist's sympathy.
Above all - do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not
overtly criticize the therapist or disagree with him/her.
I make the therapist sound like yet another potential
abuser - because in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently
collude with the abuser, invalidate the abuse experiences, and
pathologize the victim.
(IIc) Refuse All Contact
Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as
the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials
mandate.
Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the
inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER
rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against
you and your interests.
But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the
courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact with the
narcissist.
Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic,
flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.
Return all gifts he sends you.
Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to
the intercom.
Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you
hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm,
sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.
Do not answer his letters.
Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.
Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded
to you through third parties.
Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on
you at his behest.
Do not discuss him with your children.
Do not gossip about him.
Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire
need.
When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your
personal affairs - or his.
Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where
possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.
RESOURCES
Relationships with Abusive Narcissists
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Psychological and Verbal Abuse Resources
Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101
Spousal
(Domestic) Abuse and Violence on Suite101
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