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picked up off the Web & adapted by Dr. Irene from
kmeade@idsonline.com
and dedicated to my
Sweetie Pie Cousin, Eve
"Cat's
motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always
try to make it look like the dog did it." - Edward Abbey
A good cat is very helpful and anticipates the
needs of its humans. It puts its human's needs ahead of its own. Here are rules for
(codependent) cats:
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors
in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch with forepaws. Once door
is opened, it is not necessary to use it. But if the door has been closed for long and you
can’t remember what was inside, dart in. Your human spots a slightly ajar door,
closes it, and walks away. After a while the human will hear strange noises coming from
the closet. As the human opens the door, all kinds of jars and linens and bottles come
tumbling down. Hopefully on the human's head. A cat will be sitting on the top shelf. The
human removes the cat from the closet and shuts it in the bathroom. Mew softly till your
human feels guilty and comes to comfort you.
With outside doors, stand halfway in and out and
think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain,
snow, or mosquito season. Also, best to use the litter box before you go out.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to
a chair quickly, or hop on something new. If you cannot manage something new, get to an
old Oriental rug. If there is no old Oriental rug, any carpet will do. When throwing up on
the carpet, make sure you back up as much as possible so that vomit is spread over a large
space. It is particularly good to do this in the middle of the night so that anywhere the
human’s bare foot lands will be in a wet and sticky spot. With practice, you can
often manage to zap both bare feet.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the
bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything—just sit and stare. Sometimes it is fun
to mimic the human, and hop into the litter box at the same time the human is using the
toilet.
IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in
some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping". Good cats are very helpful. Be careful to anticipate the needs of the
human.
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the
left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin,
between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. For computer users,
stretch across the lap and begin to purr. Human will eventually learn to use a keyboard
with arms stretched over a sleeping cat. (This is power!)
c) For paperwork, sprawl on the work in the most
appropriate manner to lay over as many pages as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so
often reach out and slap the pencil or knock something down. The worker may try to
distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to "help" your human. Employ
similar techniques if human is trying to write by hand, particularly if using a fountain
pen and a legal pad. It is very helpful to the writer.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or
working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim—to
"help!" First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly
from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed, push pens, pencils, and
erasers off the table, one at a time. Watch them fall.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Train the human to read in a way where
you can have their lap. Climb on lap and get comfy. Purring helps you stay in the lap. If
the rattling of the pages being turned disturbs you, swat at it vigorously from the other
side until the human readjusts the spot where the paper was being held. This can be
especially entertaining in a multi-cat household.
V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and
as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have
something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will
help their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so
s/he cannot move around.
VII. THE HOME OFFICE:. The best place to sit while
human is at work is right on the mouse pad. If human should get up, or answer phone
without saving work, you must walk across the keyboard immediately. If human leaves room,
jump into chair, curl into a ball, feign sleep.
Meow! Your human will never let you go!
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