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August 21, 2000
It is unfortunate how often I hear from verbally abused women who have fallen prey to well-meaning but uneducated Clergy. Verbal abuse in particular is treacherous - there are no broken bones; the only "thing" shattered is the soul. Yes, the same scenario can occur even when physical abuse is present - as the abuser has a rational and convincing reason readily available.
Abused wives are
typically beaten-down, codependent women. Way too depressed and guilty
to begin with, they are urged by their Clergy to reconcile with
their abuser. How can the woman looking for answers not follow the
advice of her Pastor? Can she bear the guilt if she does not?
The Pastor, typically
not an expert in domestic violence, is fooled by the manipulative
abuser. Note that if the psychotherapist is often fooled, why shouldn't
the pastor be? The abuser appears rational and calm. He denies any
abuse at all. After all, his rationalization is so tight, in his eyes is
was no abuse! The wife is presented by the husband as somehow sick
or out-of-sorts. The woman is so wounded and so confused, she engages and
plays right into the hands of her abuser - who knows exactly how to
provoke her. Right on cue she may burst out in tears, go into a
hysterical rant, or otherwise appear sick and broken.
The reality is that
her apparently loving husband made an inside needling comment
understood only by the couple. Her mis-behavior has no rational basis to
the outside observer. So, "She must be crazy and she is pushing her
loving husband away. Let's help her save her marriage to this good man...
Dr. Irene
Any comments gang? Has this happened to you or to someone you know? Please press "submit" just once. I want to read the posts. |