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Posted 21 December 2004 - 10:19 PM

you are right, thank you.


how do you deal with your unsaved husband who is always mean to you and tries to run your live & still hold on to your faith and raise a child in the church but dad is always nasty?

#2 aliciainc



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Posted 22 December 2004 - 03:31 PM


Welcome to the Board! You asked, "How do you deal...?"

It is a very difficult situation. My ex was/is not a believer and did a lot of what you suggested in your post. He openly worked toward beating me down until I stopped showing any interest in participating in my faith. I was not in a church for the first 8 years after I started following Christ because my ex made it more scary for me to go to church than not to go. I used to pray silently in the shower or when he was not at home, and I hid my Bible and any other Christian books I was reading. So, I know first hand that it is a very difficult situation.

But, there are two different dynamics. First, he's abusive. Second, he's not a believer. While one may feed into the other, they are two separate issues. For me, I had to learn to focus on the abuse. His behavior was no more (or less) exusable because he wasn't a believer. It just meant that he would be inclined to attack me spiritually as well. Unfortunately, though, there are many abusers who claim the name of Christ who do the same or similar things. So, in that, we are not unique.

So, how did I cope? I started small and set teeny tiny boundaries that I knew I could enforce. And then, I did. I also took great care to pick my battles. I tried to be "as wise as the serpent". For example, I knew he would go ballistic if he saw me reading my Bible. So, I did my reading when he wasn't home, or in my car while running errands, etc. I got fed spiritually and he didn't get extra ammunition. As I got better at setting and enforcing boundaries, it became clear that attacking my beliefs was just another tool he used to control me. As I learned how to disengage from the attacks, how to set boundaries and learned more about the dynamics of abuse and what the Bible says about it, I was able to start making longer term decisions about what steps I should take.

I know that's vague, but without knowing your situation, I didn't want to jump in and get off on wild tangents. Two things helped me...even during the divorce process. First, do pray for his salvation. He doesn't ever need to know that you are praying for him...but God will honor those times when your heart and lips are aligned with His will. And, it is never His will that any should perish. So, pray for him. If that rubs you wrong or makes you angry to think about, tell God that. He can take it. But, still pray for him. Why? Because it will help you continue to see your H as a wayward child of God, who is greatly loved by our Creator. It may be that you have to make some very difficult decisions in the future because of the controlling behaviors. It will be MUCH easier on you if you know going into the decision making process that your heart is right before God and you are doing nothing out of spite or malice. (You might well have to take steps to stop him sinning against God, you and your child, but you will be able to do so from a position of moral and emotional strength.)

Second, and along a similar line, do your best to always treat him with dignity and respect. Why? Same reason as above. That doesn't ever mean covering for the abuse, or lying about it. It might very well mean starting to talk about it more with your pastor, a counselor, etc. It will likely require you to start setting some boundaries because when he abuses you or mistreats you, he is sinning. As a believer, you can't convict him of his sin, but neither are you supposed to support it or condone it. Rather, as a Biblically submissive, supportive spouse, you are told to take increasingly drastic measures to bring his behaviors to light so that he will take responsibility for them and make some changes. My ex heard on more than one occasion, "R, I have to leave (the room, the mall, where-ever). I can't stand by and allow you to use me to shame yourself." <--- That's probably not going to be for some time yet, depending on what your story is and where you are at emotionally. But I just wanted to be REALLY, REALLY clear that I am NOT NOT NOT saying, "Oh, just pray for him and he'll get better." I am saying (or trying to anyway) maintain your witness, but start getting really educated about abuse and the Bible. Dr. Doc's main page is a good place to start.


#3 Anaiis


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Posted 25 December 2004 - 09:56 PM

I wholeheartedly agree with Alicia.

There are two issues and very different ones at that. She is right when she says to seperate the two.

My husband professes to be a believer, but behaves very sinfully. I pray for him in the general sense of getting close to God in a personal way.

Then there is the abuse. The truth about this is very important as I was married 19 years knowing full well that there was something very, very badly wrong, I just didn't know what exactly it was. I just could not figure it out and I tried and cried out to God!

Well, now I know about abuse.

Everything is different!

I thought he became out of control and "lost it".

I now know the truth, that he was behaving badly to keep control!

This was mind blowing to me. I found it shocking!

The truth shall set you free.

Jesus says He is the truth.

Jesus and His truth shall set you free!

You have to know where you are before you can follow directions as to where to go.

I pray that you will see enough of the truth to begin the wonderful adventure of following the Lord in this matter!

Praying for you:
Help! Sometimes we need You to come and grab us up and save us again! Please be near to TAMCFL now and lead her out into the light concerning the relationship with her husband! Bring her lots of Godly support and women who love you to be with her today! Most of all deliver her husband from the utter darkness and lead him to You and Your saving light!

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