Just heard narc is moving clear accross country in the next couple days - not doing so well
Posted 24 July 2012 - 09:38 PM
I was at my neighbors having pizza and movie niight and he doesn;t know how serious the situation is and just said "Hey! So, your boy is moving to denver???!!!"
Turns out my neighbor's friend has signed a lease to rent narc's apt. The neighbor saw narc packing his car and saw the furniture sold.
I saw narc walk by last night.
He has not tried to contact me since I told him to stop. And I have not contacted him.
i feel a strange elation- almost like I want to have a party- interspersed with some grief...y'know.."It wasn;t supposed to be this way. He propsed, we were supposed to be able to talk and work it out..."
I don't know what else to say right now.
I know that God is going to decide this. I have to trust God.
i am just scared I am not going to handle it well.
Posted 24 July 2012 - 09:52 PM
Edited by SteffieB, 24 July 2012 - 09:54 PM.
Posted 24 July 2012 - 10:14 PM
So I'm really, really happy for you. This is the best news about your situation I've heard in a long time! And your "gut reaction" (a "strange elation") seems to confirm that deep down you know this to be true, too!
So.... congratulations!!!!!! But we all do know (BTDT) how much it will still hurt, and you'll have periods of intense grief while you work through all the lingering emotions. So we are here for you. We care about you!!!
Posted 24 July 2012 - 10:44 PM
Only you all could know how twisted it is.
I almost don;t want to be happy- like what kind of person am I to be happy?
But right now I am- and I am afraid of that feeling. I am afraid that tomorrow is going to be ....bad...
thank you guys for your support. Thank you so much.
I know you are right. I already feel more free. I feel able to walk outside not worried that I am fat, not worried that I am not good enough or whatever-
I had a date on Sunday with a really incredible looking guy - who is an actual human being- and I was upset because I was still hung up on the promises and commitment I made to narc 9I am loyal like that) - so hello- if a super hot guy wants to go out with me, I can;t be THAT bad- but living next to narc, my self esteem is in the toilet and that just isn;t good for me. i need this to be free.
Posted 24 July 2012 - 10:54 PM
If not, give yourself permission to have a "pity party" and grieve the loss of the dream you once had. Give yourself a good day to wallow in the feelings and really examine what those feelings feel like. And when they have exhausted themselves, maybe then you can start to see them as feelings you might have as you watch a movie. A movie may not be a "true story", it may be a fantasy, but the fantasy can evoke strong feelings. It's because you CAN experience those kinds of strong feelings that you are an empathic, caring, and compassionate person; it's what makes you human and connected to others. But just like at the end of the movie you can feel like you may have learned something from the experience of the emotions, from the depth and thoughtfulness of the movie, you probably do find it easier to put those strong emotions "back on the shelf" at the end. So maybe if you think about narc a bit in that way... since what happened wasn't reality, it was like a "movie" in many ways .... maybe that can help to both allow you to process your grief but also allow you to defuse your feelings so you can move on and start to appreciate the new-found freedom you will have.
Hang in there, Pru. We love ya!!!!
Posted 24 July 2012 - 10:59 PM
Posted 25 July 2012 - 12:17 AM
and what came to me was what you all have said.
There is now a finality to my misery. My misrery is over. There is no "what if I was mistaken" anymore. There is no "can he really be as bad as I experienced or am I just hyper sensitive"? anymore. god removed this philandering, ungodly, heard hearted, violent and selfish, immature emotionally and spiritually person from my life...and I did not know while he was still here if it was an actual removal or ...because he was not really removed...
now he is REALLY TRULY removed. Or will be in a day or two.
This is God's decision and now it is a very clear decision. There isn;t doubt. And it is freedom from the doubt which lens a peace to me. My heart was broken by a man who stomped on it. Not by the loss of a man who stomped on it. I didn't know, while he was still next to me, if I had a further duty to witness God for him, if I should have tried to "fight for him"...
The other day I had terrible guilt because I "didn't do Enough". (???) When I saw the flags, I knew I had to walk away. I knew it was not the time to resolve anything. He was in a period, like caitlin says, of tender months of recovery from addiction...he was still too sick to be able to understand anything I said to him, and like the bible says, I threw some pearls before swine and he bit my hand and attacked me -
I felt if I had tried to ..do something, instead of just seeing the situation and allowing it to end...maybe that would have been more "honest". Then I thought about the 'baiiting" issue I wrote about to Steffie. He was constant;ly baiting me into the triangle, daring me to get codependent and controlling towards him- baiting me to condemn or fix him or to play rescue lady-
i did none of it.
There is nothing I could have done with an addict in denial, and then an addict who started AA while still in denial...that is not for me to address, I had to walk away...
I can stop feeling guilty about that now.
A man, a real man, a recovered man, would have contacted me and done step 8 with me. A real man would not have said "i don;t care what you think or how you feel about what happened between us, GOD FORGIVES ME!" and left it at that. A real man would have been able, after 5 months of no contact, with the woman literally next door that he had a relationship with, who he sees in passing, to be able to reach beoynd his shame and seek forgiveness.
His evil is still there and God has removed it from me.
At least that is what I am able to see right now. The bad mojo, bad spirits, the evil that surrounds him is leaving this place and it is going to stop opressing me-
If I can hold onto that...
I just need to keep talking now I think...
Posted 25 July 2012 - 07:27 AM
Posted 25 July 2012 - 02:33 PM
Yes, very mixed emotions.
Y'know the thing is that had we split and we lived not next door, I would not be having this problem. The thing is that he was still "in my life" and I in his in a perverse way- that we were always conscious of one another and always next to one another, not able to 'forget" - so this is the 'death of the relationship" all over again. I mean, how many times does it have to "end"? it's just too painful, and I guess this is the last of those ends...thank God...but it's going through the end again---
and of course the feelings of being shut out of the life of the person I committed to all over again- he develops a whole other life "behind my back" (which of course it really isn't) but is FEELS like being shut out, the way he shut me out when he would deliberately punish.
I flash back to all of the times he did deleiberately punish through shutting out (he said as much) and I replay some of his last words in my head, how he would lie and accidentally slip, revealing information that he was trying to keep from me--to punish--
and it hurts.
That hurt is seperate from the intellectual thought "thanks God this guy is not in my life. Who needs a person who acts like that. I can;t live like that" -
this guy is such bad news and is so full of deliberately hurtful behavior (many of us know 'the smirk") and the relationship has been over for a long time...we haven't spoken in 5 months...
I will be releived when it is final and I will not have to worry about seeing him - it just hurts.
It's frustrating for immature reasons - my mind goes to places it shouldn;t - jealousy and envy that he can just pick himself up and have his family take care of his mule and he can go to new and awesome places (that we were supposed to go to together) and I am stuck here and my life is a mess and I am deeply depressed-
I know this is not true - he is an alcoholic, his family is deeply troubled, he is lost internally as much, if not moreso than i am - he just has a deep need to run and he will make running happen because that is how he copes - but where ever he goes, there he is. He has not learnt that yet. frustrating troubling thoughts...that I should not be having...
it;s not a good day.
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