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And so it continues...


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#1 Pink Lady

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 03:29 PM

I just finished reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. WOW!!! So many instances I related to and had happen to me. I didn't know that there was an Abusers 101 class that these men must take! (insert sarcasm) Very empowering, and discouraging at the same time. I didn't know that other women weren't allowed to sleep, I didn't know that other women weren't allowed to express their feelings. I really thought I was the only person who had to deal with what I deal with everyday.

I got another "sign" that he isn't changing. HIS back is out, HE's in pain, started on Sunday. We were going to HIS parents house to celebrate their anniversary, and I chose to drive (HE'd been drinking since about 11:30 am and it was 4:30 pm), I took the corner turning onto his parents street a little faster than I had planned, I wasn't driving like a maniac, just took the corner a little harder, he yelled at me from the back seat, and started to punch the back of my seat. I simply told him that I was sorry I took the corner so hard, I hadn't done it intentionally. And I dropped it. But, my thought was, "do adult men always punch things when they are hurt or mad?" The answer to my question was, "no." My former way of thinking, would be to berate myself for hurting him, even though it was not purposeful. Should the shoe have been on the other foot, I would have been overreacting if I would have yelled at him or punched the back of his seat. My reactions are to be very calm and definitely not demonstrative in any way shape or form. The veil is slipping from his "change" because I am being "nicer" and am going along with everything. This makes him comfortable to call attention to my slip ups, for instance, I got "in trouble" because I was "talking down" to him.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm scared to death to take the step when I do, but, I'm standing on the edge of the step, and there is only one piece left to the puzzle that I need, and that's a place to live, without him. I am going to look at a Condo in about an hour, my plan has fallen to pieces, he was supposed to be out of town the 9-12 of August, so that was my target date for leaving. He changed his plans, "put in for the wrong time off at work", very purposeful, as he knew the dates for several months, he was supposed to go with the guys camping/4 wheeling. I believe he put in for the wrong weekend on purpose. He is trying to get me off track. I am staying very focused. Or trying to.

#2 cocomama

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 04:41 PM

Way to go Pink Lady.. stay focused!!! He may try and trip you up some other way also but keep your eyes on the prize!!!

#3 Pink Lady

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 07:52 PM

I love the condo. It would be perfect. I explained to the owner my situation, wanted to be straight up honest about what I'm dealing with. He seems like a really nice guy. At any rate, I filled out the application, and will turn it in tomorrow at one, per the conversation I had with the owner. Found out that the lady I work with has known the owner for 20+ years, even went to his wedding! Hoping I get the place, but seriously terrified at the same time. Just for further confirmation: today, I haven't been feeling well, sore throat and head ache, probably allergies, but, with the decision to look at the condo, I decided to go home from work early, told HIM that I was going home because I wasn't feeling well..so he wouldn't call work and find out I wasn't there. Anyway, I get a text from him..."when I get home Dr.___ will make you feel better" sigh. So, even though I don't feel well I still have to satisfy him. Eye on the prize, eye on the prize, but, still so incredibly terrified!

#4 Kris

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 08:27 PM

(((((Pink Lady))))) Hang in there, and keep breathing!!! You're doing great!!!!!

When I have extreme angst about something, I can actually feel physically sick. So maybe you're getting sick for real, but maybe it's just the stress of the situationwhich is not unexpected .... for many of us, taking the leap is a terrifying thing to do, even though we KNOW it is the right thing to do. The weekend before I went to my lawyer's appointment to file for divorce, I had the worst butterflies in my stomach and felt physically ill. But I tried to calm myself and use some of the zen meditation techniques I had been learning where instead of either fighting the feelings or trying to bury them, you just sit with them and try to focus on how exactly they feel and where in your body they express themselves. I realized the butterflies were an extreme case but very much like the feeling I used to have when I was a kid and did dog obedience shows when I was waiting to go into the ring. (Waiting is the hardest part!) But I also realized that even though I had those awful butterflies at the time, when my dog and I got into the ring, we always did the job that we were there to do, and we did it well. So, I told myself, I can have these feelings and still be able to do what I need to do. In fact, I have trained to be able to do what I need to do even when I have these feelings!!!!! And that thought was very comforting.

In my case, filing for divorce came after the separation, and the separation actually occurred when my stbx left our old house to move into the new house we had built on the same farm and I refused to move with him. So in that respect, I guess it was "easier" because it was a situation of my staying put while he moved out. But I can definitely say that it was still a very stressful time, as he was pushing me to go and I was still somewhat caught up in the FOG. However, once he had left and I didn't have the constant stress of him being around, it really was like a weight had lifted. Sure, there were still plenty of bad times (and I wasn't completely separated from him since we work together, so I was still seeing him every day.) But once you are in a situation where you can have some (many!) moments to yourself to relax, to not have to walk on eggshells, to not be glared at from across the table, or worry that he's going to pound on your chair if he disagrees with what you are doing (I can't believe what he did to you in the car; that is so nuts... and especially now, when he is supposedly trying extra hard to be "nice") -- you are going to start to feel again, you are going to find new sources of energy, you are going to be amazed to realize that there actually is hope and joy and a future in the world!! (It's pretty sad how we don't even realize that all of that goes down the drain when we are stuck with an abuser and trying just to cope on a day-to-day basis.)

So yes, it's terrifying. But if you have any past experiences like performing in a school play or being in a competition or having to recite in front of the class where you had a terrible case of butterflies but still could successfully do what you needed to do, maybe thinking about that will bring you some comfort. It sure did for me. But no matter what, the often-cited Maya Angelou quote "The only way out is through" applies: by facing the fear and not letting it side-track you from what you need to do to take care of yourself, you will be able to move past it all to a much happier and rewarding future.

But keep posting. Just hearing others' stories and knowing that they were behind me and validating me and understanding me was a huge help through it all. And I bet it will help you, too.

Be strong!! We care for you!!!!!! :641:

#5 Pink Lady

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Posted 18 July 2012 - 04:52 PM

Application turned in to the owner of the house, co-signer form filled out and will be dropped off on my way home. Talked to the owner again this morning, my friend went with me, and she said she has a good feeling. I'm not getting my hopes up, I'm just waiting and seeing and freaking out! Found out this morning though, that the electricity is in both our names at our house, so I can easily get mine off and get power in my name at any new place. I've been just making lists of things I need to do. If this place comes through, I can start moving on the 1st.

I don't know how to tell him that I'm leaving. My plan was to leave while he was out of town, but, now he's not going out of town, so it will have to be while he's at work.

This is the right thing, I know, but, I still feel so bad that this is even happening.

#6 Tristis

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Posted 18 July 2012 - 07:08 PM

Pink of course you feel bad about what is happening. Would be very strange if you didn't. You are so very courageous to have got this far and it takes a lot of courage doesnt it? Really it's one more step. Just take it and at least you will have room to breathe again. Everyone is here for you. Good luck and God bless. One day at a time. It will pass like all things do. ((((((((hug))))))))

#7 Kris

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Posted 18 July 2012 - 07:28 PM

Ditto to what Tristis said.

Just brace yourself and stay determined to carry out your plan; and then give yourself some time to decompress. I suspect you will find yourself feeling more and more confident as time goes on that leaving was the right thing to do. You'll probably always be sad that it didn't work out and that he wasn't willing to do the serious work that he would have needed to do. But I bet that will be so much more outweighed by the relief you gain and the joy you have once you start to reclaim your soul.

For me, the best thing whenever I had moments of doubts or started to feel really bad about it all (and that will happen) was to just stop and think, "Do I want to live the way I was living for the rest of my life?" And that always gave me renewed strength to continue on.

Doesn't sound like you want to be living this way for the rest of your life, either!! (And well you shouldn't!!!!!!)

(((((Pink Lady)))))

#8 Pink Lady

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 11:36 AM

Funny thing, everytime I start to feel conflicted about leaving, everytime I start to feel guilty, and question myself...he shows me more clearly that nothing is really changing. Up till about midnight last night, arguing. No, no discussion this time, yelling at me, slamming doors, threatening to leave me this weekend, threatening to get a girlfriend "so someone will have sex with me", etc etc etc. Then, when I told him what it is that I am feeling, and what I feel like I need, he crumbles into tears on the floor, saying, "I know how badly I've treated you and it is weighing heavy on my heart." When he starts to cry and sob, then, my job is to make him feel better, and I brought that up to him last night. I told him that after he has treated me like crap, I am the one that is supposed to make him feel better, no one cares about taking care of me, who is broken by his words or actions. I am supposed to make him feel better. The one time that I finally stood up, and said "No more" he turned everything around and made it about his problem. He has PTSD, he has rage problems, etc etc. Instead of looking at me, and thinking, "Wow, I pushed her too far, and I might need to fix myself in order to get her back". No, he had sex with me, nightly, for two weeks, cried every night, told me how badly he was hurting inside, went to counseling, and was "transparent" about how bad he felt, all the while, I was covering for him, and feeling like I had to make things better for him, because of the emotional turmoil he was showing me he was going through. I brought that up, last night, and asked him why I was supposed to make him feel better about his bad behavior, when I was the one who was emotionally and physically hurt by him. Why was I the one that had to hold him, and listen to him, and assuage his guilt with my body? Why? He came back at with me, with "You keep throwing that in my face", and "you don't want to move forward". But, how can I move forward if we're going to pretend that the last 20 years didn't happen. Pretend like he always loved me as much as he "loves" me now, pretend like he never hit me, pretend like he never called me or my children the vile names he's called us. Just pretend it didn't happen, not talk about how it broke us, or who it has caused us to become, just move forward. Really? How do I do that? How do my children do that? This morning, when he woke up, it was all about cuddle time, holding me, kissing me, pretending like he didn't tell me last night that he was going to leave me. Which would seriously be a blessing, but, he won't do it. Anyway, we pretend like everything is good this morning.

Also, I have a question, the one thing he has said over and over and over again, ad nauseum, over the last 20 years, when we react to something he says, especially hurtful things or when he challenges us, if we get mad, he comes at us with "I didn't mean to set you off. I was just..." What is that? Is that just a subtle way of him shifting the responsibility from him for his words to us for being hurt or angry by what ever he said? I can't make that statement make sense, I keep thinking that I am being hyper critical of him, and that I'm being too sensitive about that statement. I need clarification on it. Does that mean that sometimes he is looking to "set us off"? What does that really mean? It's swirling and swirling in my head right now, and I can't make sense of it.

Kris, last night and the following argument this morning with our oldest S, confirms, that no, I do NOT want to live this way forever. I want PEACE! I want to be able to go to bed when I come home from a 12+ hour day at work, (yes, yesterday I worked my 10 hours, then went to a Board meeting for another 3 hours) I want to be allowed to go to bed and go to sleep and not have to fight until midnight about how I'm screwed up (because he screwed me up). I just want to be left alone. But, I am not allowed that. Is that allowed in a normal relationship, a nonabusive one? I just don't know!

Whew, I just did a lot of venting there, my S12 is asking for French Toast for breakfast, so I'm going to make some breakfast for my boy, unfortunately, H is taking a few vacation days, so my ability to log on to this site will be very limited. Again, let me say I am forever grateful that I found this site!

(((posters on catbox)))

#9 lionheart

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 02:27 PM

Funny thing, everytime I start to feel conflicted about leaving, everytime I start to feel guilty, and question myself...he shows me more clearly that nothing is really changing. Up till about midnight last night, arguing. No, no discussion this time, yelling at me, slamming doors, threatening to leave me this weekend, threatening to get a girlfriend "so someone will have sex with me", etc etc etc. He is having a tantrum like a three year old, because he isn't getting his way about something. He lacks the emotional maturity and vocabulary to express what he feels and wants. Then, when I told him what it is that I am feeling, and what I feel like I need, he crumbles into tears on the floor, saying, "I know how badly I've treated you and it is weighing heavy on my heart." He is turning the situation around in the blink of an eye -- it happened so fast, did you see it? -- standing reality on its head. When he starts to cry and sob, then, my job is to make him feel better, and I brought that up to him last night. I told him that after he has treated me like crap, I am the one that is supposed to make him feel better, no one cares about taking care of me, who is broken by his words or actions. I am supposed to make him feel better. The one time that I finally stood up, and said "No more" he turned everything around and made it about his problem. He has PTSD, he has rage problems, etc etc. Instead of looking at me, and thinking, "Wow, I pushed her too far, and I might need to fix myself in order to get her back". No, he had sex with me, nightly, for two weeks, cried every night, told me how badly he was hurting inside, went to counseling, and was "transparent" about how bad he felt, all the while, I was covering for him, and feeling like I had to make things better for him, because of the emotional turmoil he was showing me he was going through. I brought that up, last night, and asked him why I was supposed to make him feel better about his bad behavior, when I was the one who was emotionally and physically hurt by him. Why was I the one that had to hold him, and listen to him, and assuage his guilt with my body? Why? He came back at with me, with "You keep throwing that in my face", and "you don't want to move forward". ('You should forget what happened. Why have you not forgotten it yet? I have.') But, how can I move forward if we're going to pretend that the last 20 years didn't happen. Pretend like he always loved me as much as he "loves" me now, pretend like he never hit me, pretend like he never called me or my children the vile names he's called us. Just pretend it didn't happen, not talk about how it broke us, or who it has caused us to become, just move forward. Really? How do I do that? How do my children do that? This morning, when he woke up, it was all about cuddle time, holding me, kissing me, pretending like he didn't tell me last night that he was going to leave me. Which would seriously be a blessing, but, he won't do it. Anyway, we pretend like everything is good this morning.

You can't forget it because it's sick and dysfunctional, it doesn't feel good. It feels scary and uncomfortable. For him it's probably just more of what he's experienced his entire life, from childhood -- for him it's normal.

Also, I have a question, the one thing he has said over and over and over again, ad nauseum, over the last 20 years, when we react to something he says, especially hurtful things or when he challenges us, if we get mad, he comes at us with "I didn't mean to set you off. I was just..." What is that?


I can so relate. I had a similar encounter with ex. My D (then 9) and I were staying over with her and her kids at her place. At midnight one night lying in bed she started angrily name-calling me for a decision I made she didn't like but that had nothing to do with her -- what clothes I wore to a social event we attended together several months before. When the anger and name calling started I was just lying there silent for awhile but then I started to get angry. I was thinking to myself, Why am I being verbally attacked for making a decision that had NOTHING to do with her? Why is she hanging on to this even though it was completely trivial and happened four months earlier? Am I not even allowed to decide how to dress myself without getting verbally assaulted for it? After a minute or two of being silent I decided I was going to do something about it, I was drawing a line in the sand, I was not going to lie there and take it. I stood up and got dressed and started to leave. Then she started trying to shame me, telling me I was a bad parent for thinking of getting my daughter up at midnight and taking her home with me. When I continued to get ready to leave she broke down in a puddle of tears and sobbed that if I left our relationship was over! That she was only doing what she was doing because of her troubled past and lifelong fears of abandonment. <_< Since I wasn't ready to ditch our relationship I, like you, wound up sitting down and comforting her, wiping her tears and trying to assuage her hurt feelings and battered ego. Despite the fact that I was the one who had been on the receiving end of her abuse. It was a way of turing the situation upside down, a massive deflection of what actually just happened. Ultimately though for them it's only a means to an end. To get you to forget the abusive and horrible things they've just said and done to you. And so they don't have to admit and confront their own shame having been called out on their behavior. A way of regaining power and control they feel they may have lost. It gets pretty creepy when you start to get inside their heads and see how they really think.

(((((Pink Lady)))))

#10 thebewilderness

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 03:25 PM

Also, I have a question, the one thing he has said over and over and over again, ad nauseum, over the last 20 years, when we react to something he says, especially hurtful things or when he challenges us, if we get mad, he comes at us with "I didn't mean to set you off. I was just..." What is that? Is that just a subtle way of him shifting the responsibility from him for his words to us for being hurt or angry by what ever he said? I can't make that statement make sense, I keep thinking that I am being hyper critical of him, and that I'm being too sensitive about that statement. I need clarification on it. Does that mean that sometimes he is looking to "set us off"? What does that really mean? It's swirling and swirling in my head right now, and I can't make sense of it.


I'm not sure if they are saying that they are surprised because they thought they had us better trained to tolerate the abuse, or if they are reaffirming the abusers view that objecting to abusive behavior is a worse offense than the abusive behavior itself. Maybe a little of both, and shifting responsibility for the conflict on to us in the bargain.
It outrages my sense of justice that they not only excuse and justify the abuse but expect us to excuse and justify it, as well as requiring us to comfort them when they suffer from the fear of having gone too far.
One of the things I have observed is that abusers need to, and do, believe that every instance of abuse is an isolated incident. If they saw the pattern of their abusive behavior it would be real. They would have to stop washing the mirror and wash their face instead.




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