15 replies to this topic

[posso]

The Rural Assistance Center

http://www.raconline...ticviolence.php

The website has a range of information; a number of informative links.

[Tristis]

It is informative but why do they just call it domestic violence? Abused women/children who have not been physically attacked will think its nothing to do with them and will still feel isolated. People living in rural communities anywhere are much more subject to abuse and are much more reluctant to talk about it.

[Chelli]

Why do they call it domestic violence?

Because it is:

Domestic Violence is a violent confrontation between family or household members involving physical harm, sexual assault, or fear of physical harm. Family or household members include spouses / former spouses, those in (or formerly in) a datingrelationship, adults related by blood or marriage, and those who have a biological or legal parent-child relationship.

The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, and isolation to coerce and to control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but may remain a hidden and constant terrorizing factor. Domestic violence is not only physical and sexual violence but also psychological. Psychological violence means intense and repetitive degradation, creating isolation, and controlling the actions or behaviors of the spouse through intimidation or manipulation to the detriment of the individual.
Domestic violence destroys the home. No one deserves to be abused. The responsibility for the violence belongs to the abuser. It is not the victim's fault!

This is from the website itself. Battering in only a part of Domestic Violence.

Good Web-site, Posso.

Chelli

[Tristis]

I understand Chelli I probably did not explain what I meant very well. When the term "domestic violence" is used it appears to be physical violence exclusively. My point being if anyone living in a rural back water was looking for support but was not actually physically abused, they may well not feel the support applicable. Perhaps the term means different things in different places. That said there are still a lot of people out there who are emotionally abused without the violence who, as you and I know, are in dire need of help. Especially those who live in small communities so have no one to talk to.
I still don't know if I am explaining what I mean very well but I think they could use a different term to encapsulate all types of abuse that's all.

I wanted to add a smiley but my iPad won't let me.

[ktc]

Domestic violence doesn't necessarily mean just physical - it can be verbal, emotional, physical, sexual - its all abuse

[la_chica]

I agree with Tristis a lot on this topic. All of us on this forum know that emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence, but most people do not. In fact, many people who come to this site did not realize they were being abused until they started reading the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse. I was one of those people. I would never have identified as an abused person. If someone asked me if I was a victim of domestic violence, I would have said no way! My husband was a jerk but I never considered myself a domestic violence victim. Look at the posts by new people who come here. Many of them include language like "I don't know if my husband is really abusing me" or something along those lines. And you think they will identify as domestic violence victims??

I work in marketing, and if people don't think something applies to them, they won't look at it. And as I think many of us know, in society, emotional abuse is generally not considered the same as physical abuse.

So if they really want to reach people who are being emotional abused, they need to keep in mind the way those people identify themselves. They need to reach that audience. It's not good enough to just say "emotional abuse is domestic violence" and ignore the fact that most people, even the victims themselves, don't see it that way.

[PrudenceB]

So if they really want to reach people who are being emotional abused, they need to keep in mind the way those people identify themselves. They need to reach that audience. It's not good enough to just say "emotional abuse is domestic violence" and ignore the fact that most people, even the victims themselves, don't see it that way.

Then what would be a better term or phrase and lets suggest it to the owners of the website so those people can get help. Any ideas?

Maybe we can help them with a few suggestions? our good deed for the day?

[Belle1962]

As a rural woman, I think that La Chica is right on with her comments. I am fairly well read about emotional, verbal and covert abuse and realize that it is a real domestic abuse issue. But
when I read the Rural Domesic Violence webpage, my inner voice said this "See.........they didn't even list emotional, verbal and covert abuse! You are making a big deal out of nothing. Your husband may
be a jerk at times but he is not abusing you. You just need to buck up and learn how to deal with him better. If you were a real woman you would know how to get him to treat you better."

How's that for self talk?

Rural culture puts another spin on something that considered a "feelings" issue. Stoic, strong and not reavealing anything BAD is considered the ideal. I also think that rural women are particulary hard on each other when it comes to these type of issues where there is no evidence of abuse. A woman who is experiencing verbal or emotional abuse is labeled as whine-ey and weak if they complain about the abusing spouse OR bitchy and self-centered if they choose to deal with the abuser in a new way or leave the relationship.

Urban settings may have some of these issues as well but the rural culture of isolation and pressure to conform can make a person in this situation remain in a relationship that kills their soul.
In general, I think many rural relationships have real issues with verbal and emotional abuse because most of the time it is a "buck up" and get over it attitude that is conveyed to the abused or it is "Well, you know, that is just how he/she is (meaning the abuser). They knew what she/he was like when they got married......" And in that same vein, there is not a lot of support for the abused person who chooses to stay in the relationship and begin dealing with their relationship in new or different ways. And, if the abused decided they want to divorce or leave the relationship, one of the parties generally end up leaving the really small communities (under 1000 population) because support from the community dries up. Everyone wants to remain neutral....

Just my 2 cents.

I think if there was a change that the Rural Domestic Violence webpage should make, it would be to start with a clear definition of what is Domestic Violence in all it's forms.

[la_chica]

I think if there was a change that the Rural Domestic Violence webpage should make, it would be to start with a clear definition of what is Domestic Violence in all it's forms.

I agree with Belle. First re-name it "Domestic Physical and Emotional Abuse" and then have a clear definition. I'm gonna be brutal when I say this: the webpage sucks. It's a lot of links that go to other sites, a long list of FAQ's, and not a lot of straight-forward info.

[Belle1962]

Hi again....Sat morning here in lovely rural America. Just had to share a little exchange that my Mom and I had while working on a project for the festival. Not an ugly exchange but something that really speaks to this topic.

My mother is retired and has re-married after my father died. My father was an abusive man.....not as much physically as with his anger, threats of physical dicipline and economic and emotional stuff. Gotta remember that he was "old school" born in the 1930's. My step-father is not obvious in his abuse, it is just his attitude toward women and their place that can irk me at times. He is really good to my Mom.

Anyway, Mom and I are working on this project. I tell her that a friend of mine had told me that a neighbor was not allowed to drive by her husband because she had an accident and caused his insurance to increase. This is a true story - no joke. Mom says "Yeah, I heard that too." I tell my Mom that on the days that I leave my old beater car in town (I ride share with another person) I am going to tell this person she can use the car if she likes. (She does have a license). Mom says, "Well I think she is okay with it" What? I say that he is controlling her mobility, that is abuse! She says, well if she doesn't mind it's not. Seriously? I tell her "Let's call it for what it is - abuse". Mom can't hardly get her head around it so she says "Well, he is more like his brother than we thought"

This is total rural culture when it comes to these types of situations. She "likes it" or "doesn't seem to mind".....really?, why would she tell someone that he doesn't let her drive if she likes it? Bragging?....I really don't think so.

More of my 2 cents.

Going to the festival now