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Child in the Middle


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#1 MomfromMN

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Posted 09 July 2012 - 10:46 PM

Hi All,

Stbx is still putting D11 in the middle. He told her that I said I didn't love him anymore. It made him think of the song, "now you're just somebody that I used to know." Now D11 hates that song when it's played on the radio. He also told her that I don't think he works hard enough...whatever, I never even said that. Then he got teary eyed which then made her cry.

When I confronted him about this he was already trying to explain himself because she told him that she told me what we talked about. He denies saying what D11 told me and was backsliding about the song.

Stbx is receptive to email and I wanted to send him some info on keeping children out of the middle. Does anyone know of some good articles I can send him? I try googling info on this but haven't found something that really sticks or is straight to the point. I have tried talking to him about this issue at least 3 times that I know of and I feel like I get nowhere with him.

Also, if you know of any books or websites for tween girls to help the girls through the divorce process please share with me. Thank you!

Any help is appreciated.

Thanks!

Edited by MomfromMN, 09 July 2012 - 10:55 PM.


#2 myohmy

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Posted 09 July 2012 - 10:49 PM

Google parental alienation.

#3 MomfromMN

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Posted 09 July 2012 - 10:59 PM

Thank you myohmy

#4 Caitlin

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Posted 10 July 2012 - 12:13 AM

Can you send him an email that just states that i's not appropriate to discuss the issues between the two of you and you expect to see an end to that kind of behavior?

#5 Kokoca

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Posted 10 July 2012 - 08:22 AM

I Googled "helping kids through divorce" and this was the first hit:

http://kidshealth.or...ld_divorce.html


There is lots of good information here and hopefully he'll read the whole thing. Maybe you could link an article like this but cut and paste a couple of specific passages into your email to highlight your point.

It almost sounds like he's using D11 as an emotional crutch. He needs to go find someone his own age to talk it out with.

#6 thebewilderness

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Posted 10 July 2012 - 02:52 PM

Criminy! He needs to find a friend to vent his frustrations to instead of using a child to dump on.
He is trampling all over the parent child boundaries.
http://store.cloudto...-with-kids.html

#7 djstime

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Posted 10 July 2012 - 03:36 PM

My ex was ordered to take a parenting class by the mediator because it was obvious to him during mediation that he had no clue about caring for kids and he said so in his report. Ex later came back and said through his lawyer that he would demand that I take a class as well and would have it ordered if I didn't agree. So, I agreed. I also enrolled the kids in a class of their own for kids of divorce offered by the same people.

At the end of class, he said that it was "entertaining." However, it did help. It also made him hyper-vigilant if he should ever think I wasn't doing it right.

The kids learned about boundaries. They learned not to let us use them as messengers or listen to any negative comments about the other parent and they didn't hesitate to correct us (or me at least). I remember my older one telling me that I needed to ask his dad because being a messenger was not his job when I asked him to tell his dad something or other. It didn't change my ex. He still shows us who he is on a regular basis but, I think it made him a bit more careful.

I would highly recommend such a class.

#8 MomfromMN

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Posted 12 July 2012 - 08:35 AM

Thank you all for the info and your feedback! I would have responded sooner but have been dealing with kids going back to school with very irratic bus schedules.

Caitlin, yes I could send him an email as you mentioned. The thing is he is so clueless and having the info attached to the email will give my words more "leverage" if you will. Me telling him without the facts could just give him room to say that I'm wrong. I hope I'm making sense :)

Kokoca, Thank you for the link! I need to sit and reread it but it just may be the article that I will send him. And yes, he needs to go back to his therapist instead of talking to D11 but I don't think he's been going lately. We don't talk a lot even though he lives upstairs for the most part.

Thebewilderness, Thank you for the book recommendation! I love Townsend and Cloud and I have their Boundaries book but not the one you mentioned. Can't wait to read it.

Djstime, my brother told me about a class that is mandatory for all couples that divorce in his area to attend. Maybe I can ask my lawyer what they have for a class like the one you described. And one for kids! I would really like my girls to do this. Thank you!

#9 Caitlin

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Posted 12 July 2012 - 12:23 PM

Yes that makes sense, of course. OF COURSE there's no opportunity for rational conversation between two adults. Grr, that must be so very frustrating. Hang in there!




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