7 replies to this topic

[Beyond]

Hello

I am hoping my abuser will leave soon. Here's to hoping. Although, I do believe that he actually enjoys abusing me so much he will refuse my most generous offer and decide to stay, just so he can have a convenient dog to kick.

Last week was awful. He woke me up at about 1-2am most nights with toxic verbal abuse. As I have to work, I vowed to myself that when I found some time, I would diarise what he did, as evidence. I never found the time. My working weeks are full. With the abuse and working full time and with my 3 children, there is nothing left in my head.

Now, it's a week later and all the abuse just sems to morph into one big cloud. I can't remember times or dates or for how long. I just know that it happened. When it happens 24/7 every time I have to engage with him I forget the details. It just becomes normal.

I have him on video - times when he has been so drunk and drugged that he hasn't even noticed I'm filming him. I have a couple of police reports, the times when they have taken him away. I have found psych. reports of his he has hidden in the kitchen cabinets stating that he has a great relationship with his children and is determined to address his known drug and alcohol issues

I do remember that one night last week he woke me up at about 1-2 am and wanted money. I had hidden my money because I suspected he was drunk and drugged and I was scared he would take all the money we had left. He screamed at me until he woke the children up. At one stage he screamed that if I didnt give him any money he would "tear this room apart".

I was in bed and prone while he screamed. I kept asking him to be quiet and stop. He screamed louder. At some stage I realised how very drunk and drugged he was. I got out of bed and again asked him to shut up. He screamed at me again so I punched him in the head. That stopped him. That's the only thing that stops him. If I try to answer his questions he talks over me until he is screaming at me. All I can do these days is to try to hit him when he is drunk or drugged, knowing that it will make him fall over (not because I have any power in my hitting but because he is so trashed).

Regardless, I know I should be better at logging all the abuse, but when I am the only grownup and trying to parent and shield 3 children from this crap, and work and do everything else. Shield the chiildren - who am I kidding?

I must be a bad, bad nasty physical abuser lashing out at my 24/7 drunken and drugged husband.

I actually feel like a dog that has been kicked and kicked and tied up and not fed and neglected and yelled at and then kicked again. I have started to snarl and bite. I have tried the disengaging - it has made him worse.

Tonight he started at me again. Instead of ignoring him I started to scream at him. It felt like I was going to have a stroke.

When I go to bed these days I make sure to keep my underwear and bra on. I do this in case I need to run from the house during the night. I keep my cell phone and purse next to me in bed.

I don't need advice. The advice I get is to leave. I'm not leaving my home that I have paid every mortage payment on while he stayed home and took drugs and drank alcohol.

I have just oferred him a sizeable amount of money so he will leave.

If he doesn't leave, then I guess I will have to leave. My children won't come with me. They are old enough to have a say. They seem to think that if they insist on staying when I say I have to leave then that will stop me leaving. It has had that effect thus far.

If he doesn't leave this time, then perhaps it is time for me to go and let my children fend for themselves with their monster of a father. But I know what will happen - children who don't go to school and who are never fed . Hey, here's a thought, perhaps that's what my kids want! NO SCHOOL! W00T!!!

It might just come to this.

Perhaps I should just take off and leave my kids and thier loser father to it?

[DawnC]

Sweetie, you are engaged in a very dangerous dance. Have you considered who would take care of your children if you went to jail, however unfairly, for assault? If he were to suffer a head or other injury or even die from being punched or from falling, it is you who be talking to police, trying to prove it was self defense. What if he fights back or gets up after you knock him down and in your terror or frustration you grab a heavy object and lash out with it? What then? What if one of the children runs in? Your situation sounds desperate if you feel out of control while screaming at him, if you are actually putting your hands on him in anger or just in self-defense. Especially if you are considering leaving your children behind.

Do you have a lawyer? Have you talked to local authorities? He can be forced to leave, but I am not sure, without a legal document, that you could keep him out of the house if he returned, even if he accepts your offer while sober and moves out.

Make up your mind whether you would really give up custody of your children. If you realize you are speaking from exhaustion and hurt and despair and truly do not want to be parted from them, then decide you will not be parted from them and take that option off the table in your mind. If you decide you will not be parted from your children, no matter what, then the only option becomes getting all of you away from their father, come hell or high water. That is probably going to require the assistance of the law, if they think they can keep their parents together against your will by digging in their heels.

Right now, the kids can't see the situation as it truly is, to realize the danger you (and he) are really in. Later, they may or may not better understand why you had to take action. But take action you must, because it is just too risky for you to continue the strategy you are currently following.

There is more at stake here than custody of children or distribution of money or property. You and your husband are locked in mortal combat, which may very well end with one or both of you seriously injured or incarcerated. Please get some legal help as soon as possible. This is not a battle you can win alone.

[posso]

Beyond,

What if, instead of giving him money to leave, you consider this approach? Use some or, if necessary, all of that money to try three things. One, get an attorney who has experience necessary to help you have this man legally barred from your home. Two, file for divorce. Three, have this same attorney advise you on whether or not it is possible to have this man committed to an institution. He clearly is not capable of handling himself without being enabled. He's addicted to drugs and alcohol to a degree that amounts to mental incompetence.

If you give him money and are still married to him, I doubt you have a legal basis to keep him out. He'll spend the money and come back for more.

[DawnC]

He'll spend the money and come back for more drunk/high and possibly armed. There's also the possibility one of his addict/dealer companions will come with him.

There is no such thing as bargaining rationally with addiction. And many addicts run with unsafe and conscienceless people. Innocent bystanders can get hurt just through their association with the addict.

I agree that instead of using that money to coax him out the door, use it to legally force him out and sever those ties. My thoughts are with you.

[Caitlin]

Get an order of protection. Call the cops while he is screaming at you so the 911 operator can hear that you are not in a safe environment. Sounds like this has happened before. You have more than enough evidence to file for an emergency order or temporary order. It will prevent him from coming on to the property.

While that order is in effect, you can file for divorce and freeze tour marital assets. Once the divorce has been filed, you can apply for temporary sole residence of the home, and honey, you have PLENTY of evidence to back that asparagus up.

While you have temporary sole residence, you can work on the finer points of the divorce issue and get this man out of your life for good.

Your children ask you not to leave, and ask you to stay, because they NEED and WANT their mother and do not want to be abandoned to an abusive father. You need to have a conversation with your children and figure out what they are thinking if you haven't done that already. If you leave your children to this man without exhausting all other options first, you are very likely permanently damaging your relationship with them. I know that if it happened to me, I would have a hard time forgiving my mother.

Children are not adults, so while they can see and acknowledge abuse, they are caught in a weird place. This man is their father, loser though he may be. They must feel conflicted. Fathers should not act the way he does, yet perhaps they believe or hope that he can change, so they can have a sense of normalcy. It's easy for an adult to walk out on someone, but much harder for a child to turn their back on a parent, even if that parent is crazy or abusive. I have watched several close friends be torn between their parents even though it is obvious which one treats them better.

It is inappropriate for you to characterize your children as "siding" with their father if they want to stay, or want you to stay. They are children. They do not understand the situation they are in the way you do. They do not have the emotional or cognitive capacity to reason the way you do.

Also, have you ever tried locking him out? I would not be surprised if you have, I am just wondering.

The physical abuse needs to stop. He can file assault charges and that's a hell of a lot easier to prove with physical evidence than verbal abuse.

I absolutely advocate for recording the abuse as much as possible. I know what that "cloud" feels like. two of the most severe incidents I was subjected to are a completel blur in my mind and I wish I had written it down. In a divorce or custody case, keeping documentation ALWAYS helps your case, especially when you have psych evals and police reports as well.

[Kokoca]

Beyond,

I really like the advice given you here; use your money to your advantage. Get a lawyer who will go to bat for you with the courts. Like DawnC, I don't think you can trust an addict; giving him money will only make him come looking for more when he runs out. If a lawyer and the courts can help get him out and to stay away, that sounds like the best first approach.


About your kids, I have some thoughts.

It sounds a bit like they may have learned that they can push you around and get what they want. I'm wondering if they've picked that up from watching their father interact with you? I think it may be time to change that behaviour. It sounds like you are the practical one and the one who takes care of the kids and who keeps the money coming in. Well, you are in a position to be their mentor, adviser, and guide. There is no better time than now to guide them.

You make an astute observation that they may be telling you they are telling you they are going to stay precisely to force you to stay. But I wonder what's behind that? It could be that they are hiding some fear behind their wish to stay. Is this the only home they've ever known? Do they have good relationships at school that they will miss if you move away? What's going on in their heads that is motivating them to manipulate you emotionally?

Having a bit better grasp on that might help you bring them around. They must know what is going on in the house and I bet they wish it could be different. In some ways they may need you to be telling them that it is okay, and in fact necessary, to get out. They need to know, though, that they will be okay, that they'll make new friends or get to see their friends. They also need to know that you are in real physical danger. They need to hear that the truth; their father has a serious illness and it won't get better until and unless he decides to get better.

Something else I've both observed and read: while kids may say that missing school is a great thing they don't truly mean it. When the chips are down, they know that they need to be with someone who's got their stuff together, who guides them well, who can provide for them materially, and care form them physically and emotionally.

If they are old enough to make their own decisions then they are old enough to hear all that and be asked to make the best decision they can for themselves.

Either way, you may need to get out. Call their bluff and go.

But get that lawyer lined up so that your financial assets and your personal safety are protected.


I know what you mean about leaving the house that you bought and paid for. I did a load of really nice D-I-Y renovations on mine so I had this hands-on attachment to it. It was a beautiful space. But I had to walk away. I sat one day on the couch, looking at the work I'd done and feeling kinda sad but it soaked in that, in the end, it was just a pile of building materials. I'm sure you can make a more peaceful home elsewhere.


I had the same trouble journalling as you. Still do. It gets lost in living. But I keep a small notebook with me and jot notes when they strike me. Now that I go back and look at all the snippets they add up into a pretty big narrative. You don't have to invest a pile of time all at once, just have something handy to jot thoughts down.


Good luck to you. I hope you find your way through this soon. It sounds like a nightmare. There is a sunrise waiting for you...

[MomfromMN]

Beyond,

First off, (((hugs))) to you and your children!!!

Secondly, do NOT give up on yourself or your kids no matter how ugly the situation is. You've got to muster up the strength to keep going and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Your H is an addict and giving him money will only enable him to keep doing drugs and alcohol. Don't help him do what you don't want him to do. My lil brother was on meth for 15 yrs and he had to make the choice to get help. Nobody could change him except him. Please listen to everyone that has given you advice, it is all very good. And I agree with Kokoca, your house is just a material possession. Your priority right now should not be your property-you and your kids safety comes first and foremost no matter what your kids say. If they are still minors than you get to make the decision on what is best for them.

DawnC is right, dangerous dance indeed! Your H isn't capable of making decisions in the state he is in but you are. Only you can change this situation one step at at time. Call a lawyer and get the ball rolling. If you end up staying in a shelter or a relatives place until you can get things in order there is nothing wrong with using these resources.

Good luck!

[DawnC]

Well and isn't it true that even if you temporarily move out, you still retain at least half ownership of the home? Whoever's name is on the paperwork at the bank...honestly, as unfair as it seems, if he is on the mortgage papers, I don't think the bank or courts care who was making the payments; it is probably still community/marital property. Even though my husband made all the house payments, in our state, the house is 50/50 his/my responsibility. I'm not sure what the law says if I move out, though.

I hope your circumstances change soon so you can breathe again.