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Is an abuser out to get you? On purpose?


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#1 weepingsparrow

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Posted 26 June 2012 - 04:28 PM

Hi! Been many years since I have posted or read other's posts. I have been married for 30 yrs, with 4 kids. Things really haven't changed much. I know that one marriage rule is not to view the other person as "out to get you" . This is a big problem of mine. Because of lack of unity on decisions, and crazymaking communication on his part, I feel this is abusive, I feel he is out to get me,, and I view it as evil. An evil that is out to destroy another, and to instill strife and not peace. He does not believe he is abusive. I admit I have huge issues, an incestuous past with my Father till age 12, has put me into therapy on and off my entire adult life. But I feel that I have my head on straight, and have been honest with my husband about everything about our relationship, and what I need and how I feel. But my marriage is still incredibly painful to me, and I feel he still provokes me to anger unmercifully, which I really struggle trying to keep my cool. On top of this not surprisingly, he has allways been unaffectionate, and our marriage is sexless( 5-6 times a yr. on average) I know this is a not normal. This has been this way for at least the last 15 years. My love language is touch, so this has been very hard, along with my background of a very unloving harsh father. I tell him this but he doesn't change. I am no angel either, I've been so frustrated and angry over my marriage, when he is doing his communication crap with me, I say the meanest things like, we need to divorce, or just go get another women if you don't want me, ect. Honestly, I am in my marriage for my kids especially my 7 yr. old. And because I want to follow Jesus,, but the way I am in this marriage I don't even feel spiritual anymore, Oh, but he is the treasurer, of our church, bible reading christian, all the while withholding affection from his wife, and not having a connection with his 3 older kids. I know he needs help, but I don't think I'm the one to do it , I'm to rejected and angry at him.

I kept warning him years ago if our marriage didn't change, my feelings will change for him. And they have My love has grown cold for him, and am planning to move him out of our bedroom. And also go back to school, so I can support myself when the time comes. I'm sure he will be the victim either way if I leave or he leaves, I'm always the bad guy who is screwed up from an abusive childhood.

Any comments would be appreciated so I don't feel alone and crazy

Edited by weepingsparrow, 26 June 2012 - 11:18 PM.


#2 Pink Lady

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Posted 26 June 2012 - 05:22 PM

A lot of what you say rings true with me. I warned my H for years that the way he treated me would create problems down the road. We too have 4 children. Married 20 years. "Christian" family, and I use quotes, because he hasn't darkened the doorway of a church in years, but, claims we are a Christian family, because his grandfather was a minister, and he was raised in a church.

I'm brand new to this forum, and in the middle of plenty of yuckiness myself, so I have no sage words of wisdom. For me, sometimes, it's enough to know that I have been heard, since I am rarely heard at home. So, weepingsparrow, I hear you. Hugs to you.

#3 Caitlin

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Posted 26 June 2012 - 06:13 PM

Lots of people who study verbal abuse will note that abusers often use morality or religion to justify their behavior or as a means of manipulation and control.

I don't want to interfere with your religion or anything, but following Jesus has nothing to do with being miserable, insulted, degraded, and powerless. Your faith should lead you to a place where you feel fulfilled, honored, empowered, and happy. Clearly that is not happening in this marriage.

My father put up with physical and verbal abuse from his father until he was in his thirties and kids of his own because he was told to "honor your father and mother". He was a very Christian man who put himself through a lot in order to uphold the Commandments and do what he felt was right. But at the end of the day, he realized that it is not dishonoring someone by establishing healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your children and escaping a negative cycle of abuse.

We put ourselves through a lot of misery trying to follow what we think an established dogma is telling us is right. But when you love and honor yourself, and focus on acting out of love in every situation in your life, you will find that there is no room for evil, negative, controlling, bad people because they will only hinder you from being able to manifest what Jesus really taught us, which goes far beyond a bunch of rules and prescriptions. There are many people who outwards conform to the rules, yet have evil in their hearts and do not love themselves or others. These people are missing the point and are equally rejecting Jesus' message.

Lots of people today prescribe to the myth that a marriage is what you put into it. These people clearly are not considering that there are irrational, disordered people out there who prey upon and entrap their partners no matter what they do. No matter how good of a person you are, no matter how giving and loving and caring and considerate, these people will always find SOMETHING to blame you for, something to drag you down about. That's because abuse is irrational, right? You're not being treated this way because you actually did something to deserve it!

So forget the rules, and follow your own happiness which will lead you to a place that is loving, healthy, joyful, and empowering.
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#4 weepingsparrow

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Posted 26 June 2012 - 11:32 PM

A lot of what you say rings true with me. I warned my H for years that the way he treated me would create problems down the road. We too have 4 children. Married 20 years. "Christian" family, and I use quotes, because he hasn't darkened the doorway of a church in years, but, claims we are a Christian family, because his grandfather was a minister, and he was raised in a church.

I'm brand new to this forum, and in the middle of plenty of yuckiness myself, so I have no sage words of wisdom. For me, sometimes, it's enough to know that I have been heard, since I am rarely heard at home. So, weepingsparrow, I hear you. Hugs to you.

A lot of what you say rings true with me. I warned my H for years that the way he treated me would create problems down the road. We too have 4 children. Married 20 years. "Christian" family, and I use quotes, because he hasn't darkened the doorway of a church in years, but, claims we are a Christian family, because his grandfather was a minister, and he was raised in a church.

I'm brand new to this forum, and in the middle of plenty of yuckiness myself, so I have no sage words of wisdom. For me, sometimes, it's enough to know that I have been heard, since I am rarely heard at home. So, weepingsparrow, I hear you. Hugs to you.


Hugs to you to Pink Lady. I feel you can understand what I have been going thru. Here I am old enough I should be mentoring younger women in struggling marriages at this stage of my life. And I am still struggling. I guess what is giving me more relief these days, is focusing on changing myself on what I need to get rid of in my life, addictions and untrue thoughts. I have been focusing on my kids more than him since he is in such of a disconnect mode all of the time. I love the quote from Elizabeth Elliott If there is no cure,,, just endure. That is all we can do isn't it. Hang in there.

#5 weepingsparrow

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Posted 26 June 2012 - 11:49 PM

Lots of people who study verbal abuse will note that abusers often use morality or religion to justify their behavior or as a means of manipulation and control.

I don't want to interfere with your religion or anything, but following Jesus has nothing to do with being miserable, insulted, degraded, and powerless. Your faith should lead you to a place where you feel fulfilled, honored, empowered, and happy. Clearly that is not happening in this marriage.

My father put up with physical and verbal abuse from his father until he was in his thirties and kids of his own because he was told to "honor your father and mother". He was a very Christian man who put himself through a lot in order to uphold the Commandments and do what he felt was right. But at the end of the day, he realized that it is not dishonoring someone by establishing healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your children and escaping a negative cycle of abuse.

We put ourselves through a lot of misery trying to follow what we think an established dogma is telling us is right. But when you love and honor yourself, and focus on acting out of love in every situation in your life, you will find that there is no room for evil, negative, controlling, bad people because they will only hinder you from being able to manifest what Jesus really taught us, which goes far beyond a bunch of rules and prescriptions. There are many people who outwards conform to the rules, yet have evil in their hearts and do not love themselves or others. These people are missing the point and are equally rejecting Jesus' message.

Lots of people today prescribe to the myth that a marriage is what you put into it. These people clearly are not considering that there are irrational, disordered people out there who prey upon and entrap their partners no matter what they do. No matter how good of a person you are, no matter how giving and loving and caring and considerate, these people will always find SOMETHING to blame you for, something to drag you down about. That's because abuse is irrational, right? You're not being treated this way because you actually did something to deserve it!

So forget the rules, and follow your own happiness which will lead you to a place that is loving, healthy, joyful, and empowering.


Very well said Caitln. You look so young in your picture to be so wise...... I agree with all that you said. Jesus is against violence and using it , whether it is a fist, or words in order to control another. I have finially realized that true religion is about repenting and changing yourself, and being the best and healthiest you can be, so we can be busy helping and serving others, too bad it took me this long to learn this.

Edited by weepingsparrow, 26 June 2012 - 11:51 PM.


#6 Caitlin

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 01:46 AM

Exactly. We can't serve and help others if we are first not serving ourselves. That sounds pretty selfish on the outside, but when you really look at it there is nothing wrong with looking after and respecting yourself. In order to truly live a message of love, we need to love ourselves. There's nothing "selfish" about that at all.

It's really too bad a lot of things have happened to us. The fact is, life is meant for living--no matter how old you are or how long it took us to get to a healthier place. We are all here to learn lessons and go through certain experiences. As painful as they may be and as frustrating as it is that it may have taken us a while to realize the reasons for our unhappiness. Get out there and live!

#7 SorryMum

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 02:56 AM

I feel this is abusive, I feel he is out to get me, and I view it as evil.


What you feel is real. I agree, it is evil.

I'm not religious, but my abuser is. I left him 15 years ago, but for 9 years he held his religion over my head and told me he was good and right and on God's right hand, and I was none of these things. He constantly put me down and found fault in everything I did.

He said he tried to live a Christian life. Yet he lied, and cheated, and when a neighbour wanted help he ignored them as it was 'none of his business', and yelled at me for helping out.

I don't think the Christian God advocates treating one's spouse that way. I think the Bible has a lot to say about how a husband should treat his wife. And it doesn't sound as though your husband is obeying those instructions. So yes, it does make his behaviour evil and you are right in rejecting it.

#8 fairyelle

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 11:41 PM

Well put everyone, great answers. In my opinion, an abuser actually uses many things to get his (or her) victim to do what is right in their eyes (right meaning whatever serves THEM) so if religion is something that can coerce someone into staying with them regardless of how they treat that person they will use it. They will use other tactics as well, such as children, money or obligation to a marriage to keep you focused on the fact that somehow this is not the way they treat you but other reasons to stay and "prove" yourself. True Christianity is about love so I would ask myself if I were in your shoes, do I feel loved? Is this person treating me the way the religion teaches? Or is it an excuse to keep you committed to them and never leave?

#9 Caitlin

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Posted 30 June 2012 - 03:44 PM

God forgives. We all "sin", don't we? I am not saying you should use your faith as a "cosmic credit card", but just know that you are making a healthy decision for you, so that you can continue to love and accomplish the great work we are put here to do. And if God has a problem with it, you may ask for his forgiveness.




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