Hi! Been many years since I have posted or read other's posts. I have been married for 30 yrs, with 4 kids. Things really haven't changed much. I know that one marriage rule is not to view the other person as "out to get you" . This is a big problem of mine. Because of lack of unity on decisions, and crazymaking communication on his part, I feel this is abusive, I feel he is out to get me,, and I view it as evil. An evil that is out to destroy another, and to instill strife and not peace. He does not believe he is abusive. I admit I have huge issues, an incestuous past with my Father till age 12, has put me into therapy on and off my entire adult life. But I feel that I have my head on straight, and have been honest with my husband about everything about our relationship, and what I need and how I feel. But my marriage is still incredibly painful to me, and I feel he still provokes me to anger unmercifully, which I really struggle trying to keep my cool. On top of this not surprisingly, he has allways been unaffectionate, and our marriage is sexless( 5-6 times a yr. on average) I know this is a not normal. This has been this way for at least the last 15 years. My love language is touch, so this has been very hard, along with my background of a very unloving harsh father. I tell him this but he doesn't change. I am no angel either, I've been so frustrated and angry over my marriage, when he is doing his communication crap with me, I say the meanest things like, we need to divorce, or just go get another women if you don't want me, ect. Honestly, I am in my marriage for my kids especially my 7 yr. old. And because I want to follow Jesus,, but the way I am in this marriage I don't even feel spiritual anymore, Oh, but he is the treasurer, of our church, bible reading christian, all the while withholding affection from his wife, and not having a connection with his 3 older kids. I know he needs help, but I don't think I'm the one to do it , I'm to rejected and angry at him.
I kept warning him years ago if our marriage didn't change, my feelings will change for him. And they have My love has grown cold for him, and am planning to move him out of our bedroom. And also go back to school, so I can support myself when the time comes. I'm sure he will be the victim either way if I leave or he leaves, I'm always the bad guy who is screwed up from an abusive childhood.
Any comments would be appreciated so I don't feel alone and crazy
Edited by weepingsparrow, 26 June 2012 - 11:18 PM.