I havent been on in awhile. I decided to take a break and I was popping on checking in. I see some new and old faces and as always it is nice to know this sight is out there. I felt inclined to write as I have had some good growth and some set backs as well and I just needed to write about it. I am a little hesitant to write some of it as it is embarrassing but I feel like this is a safe, non judgemental place that I can be honest.
I have been super busy in life and reconstructing life so to say. My job is going well, I started a non profit doing what I love, and I am settling on a house this July.Lots of good stuff going on here! I am the busiest in my life I have ever been.
Great strides were made in my healing over my ex husband. I was feeling content and working on making myself happy and just focussing on being a mom. I did dabble with some dating sites too, nothing serious came about them so far.
So here is the embarassing stuff. My ex husband came back and told me " I am the love of his life and that he wants to be with me. He realized he was with his GF out of desperation and that he didnt love her 'at all'." The 2 broke up last November and he moved out of her house. He came up to see me, in efforts to spend some time with me and D. I let him in. We spent a weekend together, were intimate and spent time talking long distance (remember he is 1200 miles away). This all happened a few months ago. He went on to tell me he was "living someone elses life, raising someone elses kids and that he was unhappy". He complained about his GF being extra needy (nothing very deragatory), just that she needed him to contact her more often while he was on trips for workm she wanted him to nurture the kids more, etc. He also talked about children and how they change lifestyle and how it was difficult for him to sacrafice all of this, knowing he was raising someone elses kids and not his.
We talked about me moving to his state (I know I know, believe me, my heart said oh yes and my head said are you **$!!#### kidding me?" I talked it over in therapy, friends and family and everyone that know sthe situation told me I would be setting my life back again and I would be exposing my child to unhealthy relationship. I deep down, knew, know they are right, but I wanted to believe he could have changed (he seemed way less controlling and said this wasnt a problem in his present relationship. I even tried to contact ex GF and she wouldnt respond, which I realized was probably the right thing to do, but I also realized it was because she remained loyal to him.
While my ex was here, I observed, he "just didnt seem that into me". He didnt ask me questions about myself AT ALL, we just talked about our relationship, what happenned in it and what it would be like to be together again. I still felt like I loved him but there was a disconnect, even sexually, The physical attraction was still there (actually that is all I have left and I want to put that fire OUT).
After he left, I felt the disconect still, I noticed he called when he was bored or lonely and then I started thinking (I am his narcisistic supply). He was still talking to GF because they are "extrememly close" and that kind of threw me over the edge a bit. I then found out in conversation that when they broke up in Nove. he had cheated on her with a random woman or 2(yep a threesome) while on a work trip and she found out by bypassing texts. Well, I lost it over this. I told him that it wasnt the act itself but that he cheated which =dishonesty and that is his character. He said "so me making this mistake means I have to pay for the rest of my life?"then he bashed me for judging his character. HE also said he has made some changes since the incident, he would never cheat again because it is devastating on all levels and that he never cheated on me. He also said he no longer yells or is controlling and that he has immensely changed. He told me that his GF stood by him through everything(she knew everythng and I confirmed that wih her) and that I abandoned him and husbands and wives are supposed to stick through things (I agree 100 percent but not when abuse crosses the line or controlling behavior). He also told me he messed up, thought he still loved me and realized that he sabatogaed his relationship with gf to be with me because he felt like it was the right thing to do. He said his relationship with gf was his best one ever (really to cheat on her like that). He also said that at the time he told me he didnt love her at all because he wanted me back (basicallytelling me what I wanted to hear).This hurt incredibly deeply and has set me back a bit. Can people really do this-turn the love button on and off lie that-or do they just not love deeply-I am still stuck on figuring that out. Years later.
Then he called requesting a visit with D and I found out that him , GF and the kids were taking D camping. Really-now they are back together. I just cant believe it all. I went a little Jerry Springer on him for immediately getting back with her (Gf knew that him and I were talking about getting back together, and we were intimate)and confusing my child by exposing her to this. Although I see him for someone with a bad character and possibly a narcisist it still hurts and feels like rejection all over again. He actually now wont even talk to me and says "we are water under the bridge". I just had to see him yesterday and pick D up at the airport and I am a mess today. D told me daddy and GF are getting married and I asked him and his response was "hopefully someday"-is this lack of empathy or what, to say this to me weeks after asking me to move down with him (I forgot to mention he even went as far as buying a home for us to move into had interior designed, etc and then backed out of the contract when I said no way I wot move down). All of this unecesary pain. If anyone is thinking of getting back-please read this first. It is incredibly painful and in a sense I am starting over in some ways. In another sense it was the universes way of bonking me over the head and slowing my roll to go back.
Thanks for listenning
Edited by shyloh, 25 June 2012 - 11:48 AM.