15 replies to this topic

[shyloh]

Hello there
I havent been on in awhile. I decided to take a break and I was popping on checking in. I see some new and old faces and as always it is nice to know this sight is out there. I felt inclined to write as I have had some good growth and some set backs as well and I just needed to write about it. I am a little hesitant to write some of it as it is embarrassing but I feel like this is a safe, non judgemental place that I can be honest.

I have been super busy in life and reconstructing life so to say. My job is going well, I started a non profit doing what I love, and I am settling on a house this July.Lots of good stuff going on here! I am the busiest in my life I have ever been.

Great strides were made in my healing over my ex husband. I was feeling content and working on making myself happy and just focussing on being a mom. I did dabble with some dating sites too, nothing serious came about them so far.

So here is the embarassing stuff. My ex husband came back and told me " I am the love of his life and that he wants to be with me. He realized he was with his GF out of desperation and that he didnt love her 'at all'." The 2 broke up last November and he moved out of her house. He came up to see me, in efforts to spend some time with me and D. I let him in. We spent a weekend together, were intimate and spent time talking long distance (remember he is 1200 miles away). This all happened a few months ago. He went on to tell me he was "living someone elses life, raising someone elses kids and that he was unhappy". He complained about his GF being extra needy (nothing very deragatory), just that she needed him to contact her more often while he was on trips for workm she wanted him to nurture the kids more, etc. He also talked about children and how they change lifestyle and how it was difficult for him to sacrafice all of this, knowing he was raising someone elses kids and not his.
We talked about me moving to his state (I know I know, believe me, my heart said oh yes and my head said are you **$!!#### kidding me?" I talked it over in therapy, friends and family and everyone that know sthe situation told me I would be setting my life back again and I would be exposing my child to unhealthy relationship. I deep down, knew, know they are right, but I wanted to believe he could have changed (he seemed way less controlling and said this wasnt a problem in his present relationship. I even tried to contact ex GF and she wouldnt respond, which I realized was probably the right thing to do, but I also realized it was because she remained loyal to him.
While my ex was here, I observed, he "just didnt seem that into me". He didnt ask me questions about myself AT ALL, we just talked about our relationship, what happenned in it and what it would be like to be together again. I still felt like I loved him but there was a disconnect, even sexually, The physical attraction was still there (actually that is all I have left and I want to put that fire OUT).
After he left, I felt the disconect still, I noticed he called when he was bored or lonely and then I started thinking (I am his narcisistic supply). He was still talking to GF because they are "extrememly close" and that kind of threw me over the edge a bit. I then found out in conversation that when they broke up in Nove. he had cheated on her with a random woman or 2(yep a threesome) while on a work trip and she found out by bypassing texts. Well, I lost it over this. I told him that it wasnt the act itself but that he cheated which =dishonesty and that is his character. He said "so me making this mistake means I have to pay for the rest of my life?"then he bashed me for judging his character. HE also said he has made some changes since the incident, he would never cheat again because it is devastating on all levels and that he never cheated on me. He also said he no longer yells or is controlling and that he has immensely changed. He told me that his GF stood by him through everything(she knew everythng and I confirmed that wih her) and that I abandoned him and husbands and wives are supposed to stick through things (I agree 100 percent but not when abuse crosses the line or controlling behavior). He also told me he messed up, thought he still loved me and realized that he sabatogaed his relationship with gf to be with me because he felt like it was the right thing to do. He said his relationship with gf was his best one ever (really to cheat on her like that). He also said that at the time he told me he didnt love her at all because he wanted me back (basicallytelling me what I wanted to hear).This hurt incredibly deeply and has set me back a bit. Can people really do this-turn the love button on and off lie that-or do they just not love deeply-I am still stuck on figuring that out. Years later.
Then he called requesting a visit with D and I found out that him , GF and the kids were taking D camping. Really-now they are back together. I just cant believe it all. I went a little Jerry Springer on him for immediately getting back with her (Gf knew that him and I were talking about getting back together, and we were intimate)and confusing my child by exposing her to this. Although I see him for someone with a bad character and possibly a narcisist it still hurts and feels like rejection all over again. He actually now wont even talk to me and says "we are water under the bridge". I just had to see him yesterday and pick D up at the airport and I am a mess today. D told me daddy and GF are getting married and I asked him and his response was "hopefully someday"-is this lack of empathy or what, to say this to me weeks after asking me to move down with him (I forgot to mention he even went as far as buying a home for us to move into had interior designed, etc and then backed out of the contract when I said no way I wot move down). All of this unecesary pain. If anyone is thinking of getting back-please read this first. It is incredibly painful and in a sense I am starting over in some ways. In another sense it was the universes way of bonking me over the head and slowing my roll to go back.
Thanks for listenning

Edited by shyloh, 25 June 2012 - 11:48 AM.

[cocomama]

Thanks for the update Shyloh. I ofter wonder what happens after the break as I am still in my M. I remember your prior postings. I think you probably had to go throught that situation with your ex. I remember you pining for him a lot and somehow we have to prove it to ourselves that this person is not good for us. So I understand but did you also get that you were much stronger now? And in short order you knew things were off? I believe that is the proof of growth because otherwise you would have taken everything he said as gospel and not listened to your support system or your gut. We are all in process .

[shyloh]

Thank you Cocomam-that is a huge point!!!!!!!

[donnelle]

Shyloh, I am so sorry to hear about what happened with your ex, but am not surprised in the least. It was the same with me, I gave mine another chance and within a month he'd blown it several times. It is really rare that they change and it takes a much longer amount of time to really live that change. They seem to think that by just saying it makes it so, but we both know that isn't true.

Don't beat yourself up about it, though. At least now you KNOW FOR SURE and can move on with your life.

[posso]

This sounds like a person who did this to see if he could do it. It also sounds like he's doing basically the same thing to the gf and her kids.

There seems to be something almost amok with this individual. Not physically dangerous, but prone to a period of considering what to do, then deliberately doing something that is damaging. The total lack of acknowledgement or association with what he's done is remarkable.

[shyloh]

Posso,"The total lack of acknowledgement or association with what he's done is remarkable.". This is what got me too. And I dont know why I am surprised, he never really had any empathy or remorse, only when we were in the beginning throws of love. And I think that is because that is the only kind of love he is capable of, not deep, ongoing, lasting, mutual love.
What also gets me is the rejection again. He once again just shut off to me and went with his GF-he seems to surface when he is not getting attention. They broke up, he came to me. We 'broke up' he went to her. So I need to keep that in the back of my bonnet. It bothers me that he "thought he loved me and then realized it was gf he really loved"....I will work on this on my own.

In my observation I see GF as naive and pathetic to get back with him after what he did. BUT then I think....hmmm look at all I was willing to take him back after.....that is how others viewed me as well. I also got back with him prior to our marriage when I first met him and he was maintaining 2 relationships at once (me and another woman I found out about) and I believed his pleas of " I realized I really loved you, etc". Plus I was willing to take him back after he held a gun to my car, threatenned to kill my dog, pulled my hair when I was pregnant-all because I am an empath(and codependent) and he was able to convince me he did all of these things because of our high levels of stress and that I was a new wife, depressed and he didnt know what to do, he didnt have the skills. He is a really good talker. I know better now.

He said he has changed immensely, I hope for the GF sake he has (although that stings a bit). I did notice he doesnt yell or engage in things. And he attributes that to all she has tought him (again, sting). Now, to him I appear like the crazy b$%#, like I validated how he views me and what he told D about me-because I got very upset when he told me about the cheating and the getting back with her. I became very angry, irational and hurt and I lashed out. So now he can say "see, I told you she was crazy" and turn it around that that is why he really doesnt want to be with me. ugh, what a mess I got myself into.

[Rachel]

Hi Shyloh! Good to see you although I wish it were under different circumstances. It sounds like you have many positives going on, your work, a new house, etc...and I think that will help you get through this situation. He is such an mule. Seriously. Sorry, but that's just the first thing I had to get off of my chest.

You said the following, my comments in italics:

He said he has changed immensely (doesn't seem like he's changed ONE BIT, forget immensely), I hope for the GF sake he has (although that stings a bit). I did notice he doesnt yell or engage in things (how often were you around him to really know this? and even if that's true, they are good at hiding it when they know they have to but they abuse in different ways, it doesn't have to be yelling, he's just learning new tricks, new forms of manipulation, it's part of the game). And he attributes that to all she has tought him (whatever...right...she's taught him a lot, that's why he's been screwing her over time and time again. She can't teach him anything...HE has to do the work and it doesn't appear to me his changed at all) (again, sting)remember not to take what they say personal, it's not about you, that was just his way of trying to make you feel bad, it shows who he is, not you. Now, to him I appear like the crazy b$%#, like I validated how he views me and what he told D about me-because I got very upset when he told me about the cheating and the getting back with her. I became very angry, irational and hurt and I lashed out. So now he can say "see, I told you she was crazy" and turn it around that that is why he really doesnt want to be with me. ugh, what a mess I got myself into.

With regard to your crazy person comment above, this is interesting because I witnessed it again in myself a week ago and I watched an episode of Dr. Phil last night about a woman who was trying to fix her abuser because she loved him and wanted to support him to show him he could change. I've made some observations. My ex sent me a text last week...again...and I engaged like an idiot...it went the usual way. But because of what I now know, when he tries to be nice, I don't believe him and I get angry, when shows his true colors, I get angry, basically, any time I hear words come out of his mouth I can still react if I'm in that mode. After a few text exchanges with him, where he was pretending to be the victim and not know what my problem was because he was being nice and yadda yadda yadda, my anger only grew. Because I could tell he was just manipulating me and playing the innocent guy and we all know he's not innocent. But according to him, he's innocent and I make things up and am crazy. I saw myself acting in such a way that to an outsider they might say, she's just a b*tch...look at how she's acting and look at his calm demeanor. This is soooooooooooo typical in abusive relationships. The abused person comes off as looking crazy while the abuser is just as composed and charming as he can be. So I stopped it because I knew he was getting one over on me as the exchange continued and honestly, I was losing it. Years of stuffed anger, etc...getting triggered left and right and making me look crazy. Anyway, once again I told him to never text me again which he agreed to (um right, until he gets bored).

Fast fwd to Dr. Phil last night. The poor woman on the show had been both physically and verbally abused. This guy was horrible. During the show, he seemed humble, calm, somewhat logical, remorseful, etc...she on the other hand, was just beligerent!! I mean, to the point of, if I didn't know better bc I lived it, it would have driven me insane. She was soooooooooooo angry and preachy and analytical and so on and so forth that Dr. Phil couldn't even stop her from lecturing the abuser. My heart went out to her. At one point she even said, you know, during the first 8 months of our relationship I never raised my voice or talked back to him, but this is what it's come to. And you could see the delusion where she somehow thought that by acting this way to him, she had the upperhand, that he was listening to her, etc...but she clearly did not have the upperhand. The only way she would have the upperhand was to leave. This poor woman was destroyed. She even had a crazy look in her eyes. And all the while, the abuser didn't flinch. As a matter of fact, he said he wanted to cry!! He didn't cry, he didn't shed a tear.

So I thought to myself, is that how sick I want to become? Because I think I already have enough damage control I need to do. That guy didn't even have the capacity to understand what she was feeling but he sure was trying to act like he did. As an aside, his ex wife took their child and is in hiding from him because of his abuse.

Shyloh, crazy people make you crazy. And your ex is crazy. I wouldn't worry about what he says about you or if you think you reacted "crazy" to him...under the circumstances it's normal. I would just observe it and then stop it. This guy is playing a game with both of you and getting off on it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....I don't like him at all. Please try to make it a conclusion of your mind that it's over. No more trying to figure it out, just a conclusion of the mind.

(((Shyloh)))

[shyloh]

RAchel, wow, very insightful , helpful stuff. Funny how it is easier for me to see and accept some of this now because even though I got temporarily looped back in, being away from it for so long has made things easier and clearer to see (especially when someone points it out clearly like you have). What I am saying is now the process can be quicker than it was before-which is good for me. And I am aware that this entire experience has been a longgggg process for me.

"This is soooooooooooo typical in abusive relationships. The abused person comes off as looking crazy while the abuser is just as composed and charming as he can be. So I stopped it because I knew he was getting one over on me as the exchange continued and honestly, I was losing it. Years of stuffed anger, etc...getting triggered left and right and making me look crazy. Anyway, once again I told him to never text me again which he agreed to (um right, until he gets bored)."-Thanks for reminding me of this dynamic, duh, I understood this is how it was when I was in it-so why would it be any different out of it-I still have dealings with him re: D, hes still the same guy, etc. And you are right, I DID not spend enough time with him to see if he yelled anymore, etc, he just told me he wasnt like that with gf. OMG, you are so right about this dynamic-I WAS CRAZY when I was with him, I too had the crazy look in my eye like the woman on Dr. Phil-I threw a baby stroller out of my car one time, I cried and got hysterical at the drop of a pin, all of the memories are floodig back-and yes I got irrational and LOCO when he resently told me the things he told me. And he remained calm as a cucumber and said "Are you done yelling....I am not yelling...you havent changed".It was just as you say, years of pent of anger-the things I said to him were horrible (but true-lol) and I was manipulative with GF in some texts, by telling her some details about him and I.
Ok, here is the embarassing part: when I am scared I cling, (and this is surely part of the dynamic in the type of relationship I had with him)-he actually had to ask me to stop texting him a month ago (I was texting him stuff about what happenned, etc-because I was seeking closure like a mad woman, I was in shock and couldnt believe his disregard again) and this is very embarassing to admit and makes me feel oh so rejected. Like my power was taken away, see now I appear lke the crazy one. But you are right I dont have to care what he thinks of me, I care less and less each day adn I know I will get back to the point where I dont care at all (like I was right before he resurfaced).

shy
PS I feel horrible for tha woman on Dr. Phil because I know exactly how she feels and what she is going through. And you are right, the only thing to do is for her to get out-at least being out (even if it takes a while) you are emotionally safe and can feel a sense of peace while you are working through the aftermath. This post you wrote reminded me of how horendous it was to be in this relationship and how far I have come-thank you.

Edited by shyloh, 26 June 2012 - 09:02 AM.

[Rachel]

Real quick, you said:

OMG, you are so right about this dynamic-I WAS CRAZY when I was with him, I too had the crazy look in my eye like the woman on Dr. Phil-I threw a baby stroller out of my car one time, I cried and got hysterical at the drop of a pin, all of the memories are floodig back-and yes I got irrational and LOCO when he resently told me the things he told me. And he remained calm as a cucumber and said "Are you done yelling....I am not yelling...you havent changed".It was just as you say, years of pent of anger-the things I said to him were horrible (but true-lol) and I was manipulative with GF in some texts, by telling her some details about him and I.

Me:

Do you see the underlined part above? That's one of the exact things my ex said to me in the last text and that's when I knew I had to stop. He even told me he was reading new book on how to improve the quality of his life and that our exchange wasn't helping him. (ok, then please stop texting me). It's like I picked up where my anger left off times 2. Was I right with what I was saying? yes. But that no longer matters. What matters is, that he makes me sick. He makes me act sick, he makes me act crazy and the crazier I act, the calmer he acts, just so he can say the underlined statement above. It's a lot of anger Shyloh and going back to the person who created it can't redeem us or heal us. We're not crazy. We are good, strong and resilient women. Once we move our foot so it stops being stepped on by the crazy person we can get back to a sense of strength.

Don't worry about your power, you can take it back now! Just let the rest roll off

[shyloh]

RAchel your post brought tears to my eyes, because it is so true!!!!

But what about the GF, why does she seem like she is smart and has her stuff together, I mean really super intelligent smart. That also bothers me. I am not going to get into comparing myself to her like I used to but it really bothers me how he states "she stands by me through everything", etc etc. Has anyone else on here had their ex say "dont contact me any more?"-it feels rather pathetic actually. But I asume part of his control and disregard for someone is part of the disordered.

As one of my exs ex said to me "he brings out the worst in me"-yes that is what he does for me to and I dont want to act sick anymore!!!!!!


Just like you my anger was multiplied X20 when I did the dance with him again, omg imagine if I did go back how horrendous it would have been, worse than the first time.