9 replies to this topic

[Kit Kat]

Hello everyone ~ haven't been here in a while! It's been 6 months since I left my ex... who I refer to as Metal Man on this site. This is the longest that I have been separated from him. Usually I would go running back after 1-3 months so it is progress. But the thing is there is still the occasional contact and I often think we can be "just friends". I should know better than to think I can be "just friends" with a man that has put me through so much pain! So I decided to visit the Catbox again and I started to read threads posted by Maddie NY and Prudence who are also still on that emotional rollercoaster. Which prompted this post.

Someone pointed out a month ago that I might be going through something called "trauma bond"... having this fantasy that Metal Man and I can be FRIENDS after a 6 year abusive relationship. While it's true two people can remain friends after a break-up, it's difficult for an abuser and his victim. Especially when he tells me "I want all of you or nothing". He doesn't want to be "just friends". We have had contact on several occasions... he emails me in which I never respond to. But I do make the occasional phone call to see if he's okay. I block my number so he can't call me. He does not know where I am at.

I am torn right now... missing the man I fell in love with... the good side of him. But knowing that going back to him would be a mistake. Because I know him and I know what will happen if I do. I do know he wants me to come back to him.  I just want to get him completely out of my head!!  I am afraid... that I'm going to run back to him. I don't want to... I really don't.

What is wrong with me?

Edited by Kit Kat, 18 June 2012 - 01:05 PM.

[oneness]

I don't think anything is really wrong with you, at least nothing you can't overcome eventually. So many of us here - including me - go back to our abusers because we loved and miss that "fake man," we fell in love with. I have broke up with and gone back to mine at least a dozen times in 4 years.

Funny, he once said, "all me or no me," when I told him we could only be friends - kinda like what your ex said to you! I said, "no you, good bye," and hung up on him. He said he was going to kill himself (I heard that so many times, it was just a ploy to try and manipulate me) I said good bye and hung up on him again. The next morning he said he wasn't going to kill himself and cut the cr@p. That was a year ago...

If you are looking for support to keep you from going back to him - here it is! Think about the abuse, not the good times when you are feeling weak. He won't be the man you want him to be - the abuser inside him is alive and breathing and you have given no indication he has changed. Be strong, I know you can do it!

[djstime]

My relationship was toxic. It affected me emotionally and physically in very negative ways. I was essentially miserable and always expecting that it would magically get better if I could just figure out how to change me or him. It didn't get better no matter what and I am so much happier and healthier now that I am out.

This explains the difference between what love should be and what I and many of us experienced.

http://joy2meu.com/Toxiclove.htm

[oneness]

Wow! Thanks for the link djstime! The phrase Toxic Love came into my mind, because that is the trap my exh is in with his abusive gf. She is all of those toxic things on that list!

The universe must be sending messages again, it is not a coincidence that you posted that link. If my exh ever comes out of hiding I will show it to him. It is too much to think his hopefully exgf (it does not matter how many times he breaks up with her, she denies they are broke up and does not go away and wears him down until she gets her way) will ever see or understand it....

[Kokoca]

What is wrong with me?

Nothing. Zilch. Notta.

Kit Kat -- I think your feelings, your behaviour, and even your self doubts are totally normal and to be expected. It takes a good long time to get over a relationship, even a bad one, and finding the courage to be patient with yourself and your emotions can seem like a mighty steep climb.

Know that you will get through it. You will...


I compiled a document that listed a whole bunch of snippets off of Dr. Irene's site and other places that was intermixed with relevant notes about what my Ex did and how I felt. When I started to feel my resolve go all wobbly, I pulled that list up and reviewed it. It didn't take long to get my head back on straight again. I reminded myself over and over again about the grieving cycle and the length of time it takes to heal.

Is that purgatory? Or a healing place? It may be your decision on how to approach it. What can you do to take care of yourself? To have fun? To get engaged in living?


One other question: you said you have the urge to check up on him? Is there any particular reason why? It doesn't sound like a good idea.

Hugs

[Kit Kat]

Thanx for the replies!

Oneness ~ my ex has threatened suicide many times!  During our last communication, he said he's leaving the Internet, his apartment, changing his phone number, etc. Whatever. Nothing I haven't heard before! He has often told me he can't ive without me. I am sure he can... he did just fine before he met me.

Thanks for the link, djstime.

Kokoca ~ I left him 2 weeks after his father passed away (in December), he has diabetes and he's a single father. And he has made me feel guilty about leaving him during that time. I know I am not responsible for his feelings and he certainly hasn't cared about mine for 6 years.   I just want to see if he's holding up because I have a caring heart. I have no inclination to return to him, but I do think that these snippets of communication give him hope that I am going back to him. I know I need to back off... he has other people to help him cope. I am trying!

[Caitlin]

nothing is wrong with you at all. I still have my moments and it's been nearly a year. I don't think I would have been able to make it this far emotionally if HE actually hadn't gone no-contact with me. It was hard for me to let go, even though I knew it would never change.

I still have panic attacks if I see his picture unexpectedly or hear unexpected news about him. You don't just magically fall out of love with someone. Unlike them, you can't just turn a switch. It's very much a process. Some days are better than others.

You know that you cannot be friends. The open door is an open invitation to abuse.

I don't know what kind of music you listen to, but Bayside has been a great band that has really helped me process some of my anger and hurt. They are generally a bit too "pop" and emo for me, but since I was the epitome of an emo girl in high school, I find their music palattable and nostalgic. The point is, there's this song, called "I'm Already Gone", and one of the lines goes something like this-

"There was something in the way, something in the way, something in the way when you closed the door, I couldn't get enough, couldn't get enough so I kept dragging myself back for more"--LORD how true that is, right? Be patient and compassionate with yourself, but please try to be strong. I don't think calling is a good idea. He is getting the message that you haven't shut the door and your caring is a weakness to exploit to him.

[Caitlin]

Also, being the good Catholic school girl that I am, I think it is very fitting to describe this time as purgatory. According to the Catechism, purgatory is not only a "waiting room" or an "in-between" time, the most important part about it is that it is a time of purging. Your spirit must undergo a cleansing fire to be purified before entering into heaven.

I am NOT, and I repeat NOOOOOT religious, but I like the symbolism. I think it applies nicely here

[Kokoca]

Kokoca ~ I left him 2 weeks after his father passed away (in December), he has diabetes and he's a single father. And he has made me feel guilty about leaving him during that time. I know I am not responsible for his feelings and he certainly hasn't cared about mine for 6 years. I just want to see if he's holding up because I have a caring heart. I have no inclination to return to him, but I do think that these snippets of communication give him hope that I am going back to him. I know I need to back off... he has other people to help him cope. I am trying!

Hey Kit Kat,

I just want to make sure you know that I wasn't criticizing you. Far from it. I know how hard it is. My Ex has been a financial disaster and I think she's really self destructing emotionally and she seems to be facing some growing health issues. For some bizarre reason I think I "owe" her or that it is my responsibility. I'm really trying to step away from that. She's not my responsibility. She's all growed up and needs to handle her own stuff and take responsibility for her own issues.

So I'm actually very sympathetic. I asked the question partly for me and partly to find out if you were thinking about it for yourself. And you clearly are.

[Kokoca]

I am NOT, and I repeat NOOOOOT religious, but I like the symbolism. I think it applies nicely here

Word.

It wouldn't matter if you were religious or not, Caitlin... you are so right, the symbolism is very apt.