16 replies to this topic

[library_lady]

OK, so I'm not a violent person, and I don't have a bad temper. In fact, you'd probably consider me pretty mild and calm if you met me. But tonight, ooooo - I saw red, and it wasn't even one of our bigger "encounters." Mr. Furious told me that he doesn't spend much time with our son, and he thinks the 8:30 bedtime rule for our six-year-old is silly (this is the man who has screamed at me countless times about our son staying up too late and impinging on his quiet time). I suggested nicely that he come home an hour or half an hour earlier than he usually does (today he golfed from 5:30 am to 7 pm, which is not an unusual occurrence) to spend time with our son.

He said (drum roll, please):

"Well, that just screws everything up. So I have to give up everything that's important to me? That just doesn't work."

I looked at his puffy, dirty, sweaty face, and the next image that went through my mind was me flying down the stairs, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-style, and slamming both of my feet into his face. Kind of shocked me, actually.

Guess I have a little built-up resentment....

[MomfromMN]

Library Lady,

I totally get what you mean!! In case you haven't seen all my posts, (which there are a lot) I not only deal with my stbx but my brothers and my dad. I have the most anger towards my dad-hands down. I don't like who I am when I'm around him or when I think about him. He displays EA and VA in an overt way where my stbx has a more covert style of abuse. The resentment is overwhelming and I use to lay in bed and think of all kinds of ways to yell at my dad and telling him exactly what I think of him. I really like your crouching tiger hidden dragon example I think however we see our anger and resentment towards our abusers is totally normal. I didn't always think it was. When my dad was in the hospital for pulmonary embolism I truly wanted him to die and I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn't want to tell anyone at first but then after coming across Dr Irene's list of the symptoms of a victim a light bulb went on! We are normal to feel like that and it's okay to feel our feelings. So go ahead and do a (virtual) karate chop to your H and if that helps you cope with your feelings go for it. Now I'm picturing Trinity or Neo in the Matrix! Our feelings are real but it's also a great coping skill to use our imagination. Hang in there!

[DawnC]

It always shocks me to feel my anger because I was raised to believe that showing anger was "back talk" and was punished for it. Anger at my husband creates threatening situations for me because husband can always out-angry me. I like your visual of flying down the stairs!! It is healthy and his response was not reasonable, nor was his dismissal of bed time. As usual, he expects you and son to accommodate him, when in fact his own actions have natural consequences.

[oneness]

I so understand your feelings! I have wanted to punch O's lights out for some of the outrageously abusive stuff he has said. Your h is a true narcissist in my opinion. The world revolves around him and his wants and needs. Ugh, it makes me want to scream that he has so little consideration for his son! People who believe that a child of six should accommodate their schedule just really make my head spin!

[Kris]

He said (drum roll, please):

"Well, that just screws everything up. So I have to give up everything that's important to me? That just doesn't work."

Yeah, that's a riot. I'm sure he never even noticed how he blatantly just said that golf is important to him but his son is not.

[Hockymom]

I scare myself with the anger that's building inside of me. Stbxh sees it too and loves to push that button and make comments.
Tonight he told me to "Just shutup" in front of the kids. I could visualize myself leaping over the counter and squeezing my thumbs into his eyeball sockets until they popped. I had to physically walk away, one to keep from engaging into a verbal war and two from actually doing what I was visualizing lol.

I'm more angry now than I've ever been in my life.

[library_lady]

Library Lady,

I totally get what you mean!! In case you haven't seen all my posts, (which there are a lot) I not only deal with my stbx but my brothers and my dad. I have the most anger towards my dad-hands down. I don't like who I am when I'm around him or when I think about him. He displays EA and VA in an overt way where my stbx has a more covert style of abuse. The resentment is overwhelming and I use to lay in bed and think of all kinds of ways to yell at my dad and telling him exactly what I think of him. I really like your crouching tiger hidden dragon example I think however we see our anger and resentment towards our abusers is totally normal. I didn't always think it was. When my dad was in the hospital for pulmonary embolism I truly wanted him to die and I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn't want to tell anyone at first but then after coming across Dr Irene's list of the symptoms of a victim a light bulb went on! We are normal to feel like that and it's okay to feel our feelings. So go ahead and do a (virtual) karate chop to your H and if that helps you cope with your feelings go for it. Now I'm picturing Trinity or Neo in the Matrix! Our feelings are real but it's also a great coping skill to use our imagination. Hang in there!

First the serious stuff, then the lighter:

1. Re: your feelings about your dad in the hospital - I was just thinking about that today. In my case, I caught myself wishing that Mr. Furious would die in a car wreck on his way home from work. When I realized what I was wishing, I felt so guilty and wondered if there was something seriously wrong with me. I feared that God would punish me for wishing such a wicked thing. Now I realize that, while it's not alright to wish harm to others under normal circumstances, what I was doing was searching for any means of escape and relief from a situation that had become untenable. I couldn't see any other way out. I have more perspective now, thank goodness, but I try to remember that such desperate thoughts came from a wounded person who was being destroyed by the one closest to her. And you're right - our feelings are totally normal. In fact, a certain amount of righteous indignation and anger at how we've been treated is probably a lot healthier than depressed resignation. I actually consider it a step forward for myself. It's like I'm saying (in my head), "The way you have been treating me is NOT RIGHT. And that makes me MAD!"

2. Virtual karate chop - I like it! If only I could move like Neo and Trinity....

[library_lady]

I scare myself with the anger that's building inside of me. Stbxh sees it too and loves to push that button and make comments.
Tonight he told me to "Just shutup" in front of the kids. I could visualize myself leaping over the counter and squeezing my thumbs into his eyeball sockets until they popped. I had to physically walk away, one to keep from engaging into a verbal war and two from actually doing what I was visualizing lol.

I'm more angry now than I've ever been in my life.

From your posts, I would say that you have a lot to be angry about. The way you feel is totally justified. I'm glad you have the self-restraint to walk away. It's so hard, though, I know....

[library_lady]

Yeah, that's a riot. I'm sure he never even noticed how he blatantly just said that golf is important to him but his son is not.

It's how he lives his life. He wants the appearance of a happy, healthy family but loathes the hard work, patience, diligence and self-sacrifice required. He really snowed me in our courtship. I really believed he was a good family man. If I ever get the chance for a do-over, I'm going to be SO much more careful about the kind of man I pick.

[Tristis]

the next image that went through my mind was me flying down the stairs, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-style, and slamming both of my feet into his face. ...

Now this i would love to have seen

"So I have to give up everything that's important to me? That just doesn't work."

I think this sentence says everything about the man. You are entitiled to be furious. What is it about these men.........................do they all read the same script?


"caught myself wishing that Mr. Furious would die in a car wreck on his way home from work. When I realized what I was wishing, I felt so guilty and wondered if there was something seriously wrong with me. I feared that God would punish me for wishing such a wicked thing. Now I realize that, while it's not alright to wish harm to others under normal circumstances, what I was doing was searching for any means of escape and relief from a situation that had become untenable. I couldn't see any other way out."

Lord I do exactly the same and feel so ashamed. Thank you for putting a different perspective on this. Although a girl can dream can't she ????

I think you showed admirable strentgh not going for him.
Hugs to you LL
(((((((Hugs))))))