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Feeling Sorry for Myself Right now


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#1 MomfromMN

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Posted 12 June 2012 - 09:52 AM

Hi All,

I meant to respond to the ones that responded to my last post. You've all been so helpful and supportive, thank you for that.

We had the realtor look at our property last Friday while the kids were in school and we may not get a lot for it. She didn't have the right square footage so she is working on things. Then when the girls got home from school we told them we were getting a divorce. Thank you Kokoua and to those that gave advice on how to tell them and for the custody schedule suggestions too. We are going to try to do it so I have the girls (D8 & D11) Sun,M,Tue ,Wed, Thur, he'll take them Thur night and then hand them off to me on Saturday evenings. I usually take them to church on Sunday and I was surprised he didn't want them more. I guess we will see how it goes.

I also filled out a financial affidavit yesterday and sent it off to my lawyer. Depending on what stbx will have to pay for child support and alimony this will determine if he can keep the house or not. We went back and forth in wanting to keep the house but I don't see how I can afford $2,000 a month just for the mortgage payment. I don't know how this all works. He wants to keep the house and have me and the girls move out. He said he would also give me more retirement money so he could keep the house. There's a lot of bad memories here and I decided I don't want it. But renting a place in my area costs over a $1,000 a month. I'm thankful he isn't just abandoning us financially.

What bothers me is that he is putting D11 in the middle. He tells her I'm the boss of the house and what I say goes. She told me the other night that I need to get a job. I said really? She said, yep you need to start working. I just said, ok. When I asked stbx about it he said he told her money would be tight. Why would you tell her that?? The night before that he kept telling D11 that he didn't want me to get mad at him. She finally came to me in tears saying that she didn't like that he kept telling her I get mad at him. Then she went and locked herself in the bathroom and cried-she was in there a good 10 minutes or so. I did get mad at him for snapping at the neighbor girl (5) and D8 for playing dolls too loud. He said they were being rude and were interrupting him and D11 when they were trying to watch a movie. Maybe I should have said something to him in private. But then when I pull him aside D11 gets upset about that too. Maybe I'm making it worse!

My brother told me about a class called No Child in the Middle so I told stbx about it. Not sure if he will look into it. Maybe it will help me too. I feel like I'm dealing with an adult child! I have never badmouthed him in front of the kids. I don't even answer the questions the girls ask as to why we don't sleep in the same bed. I don't tell them that he is verbally abusive even though there are times when I want to. He tells them, mom doesn't want me downstairs anymore. What an idiot! Do I keep asking him to stop it or do I let it go and try to do damage control?

I just want to move on and start a new life. He can have the house and be house poor. 17yr with this man and all he did was take away my happiness. I have to stay out here because if I want the girls to see their dad I have to do what is best for them. If I had my way we would be back in the midwest. Stbx is happy as a clam because I told him he can keep the house. If he starts changing jobs and moves around do I have to follow him. I probably should. Sorry this is so long. Need to get out of this suckfest.

#2 Kris

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Posted 12 June 2012 - 10:31 AM

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA!!!!

:)

OK, now that you have stopped, I hope you have also taken a deep breath. If not, please do so now! (In fact, take a couple!!)

:)

OK, first order of business (in my humble opinion) is that you need to make a major mind-shift here. First of all, who is the parent here?!! It is YOUR opinion about whether you need to work or not that counts here! As much as I do encourage kids to feel free to engage in dialog and discussion with adults on an adult level, I also think that they have no business thinking they have the authority to tell you what to do!!! (As would be equally wrong if a friend of yours were to TELL YOU that you NEED TO WORK.) It is one thing if there is a discussion where it is brought up, "Have you ever thought about working? Do you think entering the work force would be a positive thing in your life?" and have a discussion about it in a positive and constructive way. But the way you described the conversation here, it sounded like your daughter was telling you what to do ... and I think you really need to let her know that that is not appropriate. (Neither for you, as the mom, nor for others... she needs to learn to respect boundaries! And she needs to learn that it is not her role in life to determine what is best for everyone else .... we know what happens when people grow up thinking that is the case!!!!!!) As the mom, you actually do get to tell her what to do sometimes. But a good mom uses that "privilege" wisely and carefully.

Second of all, you don't have to beg for crumbs from your stbx and then feel grateful for what he might "be so kind" as to "give" you. You were an equal partner in this relationship for what? 17 years? I'm not sure what the laws are in your state, but ask your attorney. I bet that there's a good chance it's a 50:50 state. So it will not be an "act of kindness" on your stbx's part when you get half of all of your assets -- it's the law!!! It's what you deserve!!!! So right now you should be working with your attorney to determine what the value of your assets are, and then you will figure out how to split them so you get half and he gets half. If he takes the house, then yes, he's going to owe you for whatever equity is built up in the house, so you might choose to take that amount out of retirement benefits, or savings reserves, or by taking a greater share of other assets. That's what you have to work out now for your settlement terms.

But please, please, please go into this with the attitude that you own all of your assets equally, and that you expect to get half of them in whatever settlement you negotiate.

Next off, especially since you have been a sahm, I would bet the courts would figure that you will need to receive an alimony and child support to a sufficient degree that you could continue living approximately at the level you were previously living, especially given that you are the major custodial parent. Nowadays I think they do expect you to figure out some kind of timetable so you can transition off of the support that you'll be receiving in alimony. So now is a good time to decide if you need to go back to school to get a degree so you will be employable in a field you want to go in to, and then that might be figured in to determining the time frame. Your attorney will know how this works. So yes... your daughter IS right in suggesting you will want to think about developing a career for yourself. (She just seems to have gone about it in the wrong way and probably for the wrong reasons!! But kids are "supposed" to be selfish at this stage, so no reason to be overly concerned about that! She's just worried that her own standard of living is going to go down! But even if it does, she'll manage!)

But again, job #1 for you is to change your mindset. It seems that you still feel like your stbx gets to make all the decisions and you have to just follow him around and make the best of it that you can. No, no, no!!!! You have an equal say in where to live and whether to move. It seems to me (and again, you need to consult a lawyer because I'm not experienced in this domain) that typically what happens with custody situations is that if one of the parents does not want to leave the area, it is specified that there cannot be any moves that would involve moving the children's place of residence (since it is considered in their best interests to minimize upheavals, and moving is a big upheaval.) So if you wanted to stay where you are, no you don't have to follow stbx around if he decides to move elsewhere (unless you preferred to move to that area, too -- but the point is, that would have to be a joint decision! In most likelihood, you would have to be on board for that to happen.) So this is why you have to somehow wrap your mind around the concept that he does not get to decide all of these important issues. You have an equal say in the matter, and in the event that no consensus can be reached, there are generally court-issued decisions (that your attorney can let you know what the usual precedence is).

So... in summary: stbx cannot abandon you financially. The courts will determine that. The courts will also determine how much he has to pay in alimony and child support. So don't be so afraid that you will be financially ruined. The courts are not going to let that happen to the kids, and you will have the kids the majority of the time. You will almost certainly get a monthly support amount that will be adequate for your needs. I think a lot of your post suggests a lot of fear of financial stress -- but ask your lawyer about what you can most likely expect the settlement to be. I think that will reassure you a lot. And maybe it will be that in order to support you and the kids at a decent level, stbx might not be able to afford the mortgage on the house. But if that's the case... too bad. His responsibilities to you and the kids are going to come first in this case, I can guarantee you of that.

But for your own long-term financial security and peace-of-mind (not to mention overall self-esteem and empowerment!!), I do think it's a really good time to sit down and think about what kind of job you might get the most personal satisfaction from doing, and whether it would require any specialized training. Now is the time!

#3 MomfromMN

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 10:21 PM

Wow! Thank you Kris for responding to my pathetic post! I was really down on Monday so I apologize for posting that!

You are right about D11 and I had a talk with her and so did her therapist. I basically told her that it's not okay to tell me what to do and her comments/jabs were not acceptable either. A lot of what she was saying was because of stbx and my therapist suggested that I nip it in the bud right when D11 says something inappropriate. Sometimes I try to address things later when I know I don't have the energy to deal with it right then. But I need to get better at that.

Our state is 50/50, I was just so down that I couldn't see anything positive on Monday. Stbx is cooperating still and things are up in the air as to wether or not we will sell the house. I am feeling good about whatever is supposed to happen knowing that I get half of everything. My mom was so worried that I would be on food stamps and that doesn't sound like the case at all.

I would like to pursue a cake business and there are some more classes I would like to take when things aren't so hectic. I just made some cake pops for my neighbor a few weeks ago. And today I made a cake for my other neighbors sister. For me It's therapeutic to bake and it keeps me sane! But for short term I was just going to work at a discount store just to start earning a lil income.

My therapist also mentioned that she wants me to start voicing what I want and to not just let stbx make all the decisions. She also said I need to work on not feeling guilty all the time. So Kris, you're so right about my mind set and that I really need to change it!

Thank you for putting up with my gloomy post and I will try to snap out of it next time before I post something crazy! ;)

#4 Tristis

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Posted 16 June 2012 - 06:43 AM

Isn't that what this place is all about? You need to let go sometimes.. That's what everyone is here for is to help with the bad times.

In my humble opinion your stbx wants you to work so he won't have to pay you too much. Postpone your cake business for a while. If it suddenly took off well you would find you'd have to pay him!!!

It's hard for your daughter to try and make sense of all this.especially when her dad is manipulating her and using her like a weapon. Love is the key. Just love your daughter. Later when she is more mature she will reach her own conclusins.
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#5 Kris

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Posted 16 June 2012 - 02:01 PM

Thank you for putting up with my gloomy post and I will try to snap out of it next time before I post something crazy! ;)


Hey, it's perfectly natural to have gloomy days, given all the things we have to deal with when we have to deal with an abuser... on top of the normal stresses of everyday living! So I think the best thing you can do is to take advantage of whatever resources you have to help you get through those tough times, and posting at this place is one of the best ones IMHO.

And I'm glad to hear that things are looking more positive. It's going to be tough and I'm sure there will be lots of rough patches in the future to navigate. But there will be solutions, too. And your confidence will grow as you get out from under the influence of the cloud of negativity you've had to deal with. So just be patient with yourself! :heart:
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#6 MomfromMN

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Posted 17 June 2012 - 10:06 PM

Thank you Tristis and Kris!

It means a lot know that i can come here and vent and ask for advice. This is hard but I know we will get through it.

Regarding starting a cake business, is it better to wait until the divorce is final? Word of mouth is spreading about my cakes so I can continue to "practice" on my neighbors and friends and continue to learn as I go.

Thanks again!




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