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i'm worried about my daughter


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#1 autumnglory

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 08:34 PM

my daughter is giving me hard time.
i try to call her she will not answer the phone.
recently it has been shut off.
though, she can email me from her computer
which she doesn't.
i ordered a highchair for her for the baby
he is 16 months now i don't understand
why she used a booster chair when a highchair
would had helped her in his feedings
meaning he could eat for himself.
my oldest daughter who she lives with
said that she treats him like an infant
meaning she still feeds him as if he was
a little infant.
she said he should be eating adult food now
and not be feed as an infant anymore.
i am in another state from her.
i had sent her books on caring for a baby
explaining the months and what they should
be eating.
my oldest daughter said she only feeds him
chicken from a jar the baby food kid and still
feeding him baby oatmeal from a box
instead of eggs and cheese and cheerios etc.
she said the baby sleeps too long............12 hours
two naps forced on him when he is not tired at all.
that he cries when she does this..........this has been
going on a long time over a year............now.
i sent the highchair just the same in hope she would
allow him to eat with his own hands.........

the oldest said that she treats him like a infant
she will not take him outside at all.............she doesn't
go out only to the doctor appts.

she said the baby doesn't say hi or by or peek a boo
this is too sad...........my oldest wants me to come down
to her house said that it is her house and she won't be
able to tell me to leave. like she did when he was 4mos.

this breaks my heart...............she is depressed but my oldest
doesn't think she is , she thinks she is doing what she pleases
and having the baby work around her schedule instead of
the other way around ............my oldest is 42 and the younger one is 29
she said it upsets her to see the baby cry when he clearly wants to play
that he is wide awake and doesn't need two long naps plus 12 hour nights
the baby is frustrated by this forcing naps and she said she gives the baby
3 pills for teething at a time, and he is almost 2 yet she will not take him to the
playground park or for a walk.............she doesn't want to talk to me becuz she
doesn't want me to see what is happening,
the oldest said she is on the computer all night long and when the oldest goes
to work she sees the baby on the couch where his mom sleeps but doesn't get
changed and feed right away becuz she is tired from being up all night
she goes to the grocery store for lisa takes her and she buys all microwave
food for herself...........she will not cook what so ever..............she doesn't want to she said.

llisa said she would send me the money to come and visit and see for myself..............
lisa has tow teenage daughters and knows aabout baby caring as i do...........youngest
daughter is first time mom.............i feel guilty now for telling her to not have an
abortion..............what to do...............sos

#2 myohmy

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Posted 12 June 2012 - 05:53 AM

If you are so worried about the well being of the child then maybe put a call ino her states child welfare services and speak with them. You are also getting second hand info as well.

#3 posso

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Posted 12 June 2012 - 04:00 PM

autumnglory,

I'm so sorry to hear this situation. It must be hard for you and for all concerned.

You're right to feel concern for the way your younger daughter is treating her son. I don't know what to say, just off the bat. It sounds like your older daughter, who is giving younger daughter and her child a place to live, shares your concern and seems to want to work with you to find a solution. What does she think about the idea of state intervention or assistance?

I think the key is likely for you and your older daugher to discuss this and see if you agree that the situation requires state involvement. If so, you might both want to talk to a case worker from the state to get an idea of what the options might be, and what he or she thinks the situation requires.

Please post any other thoughts you have so people here with more knowledge than I can discuss this.

best regards, posso

#4 DawnC

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Posted 12 June 2012 - 08:15 PM

If she truly is unfit, are you prepared to pursue custody?

#5 Caitlin

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 12:18 AM

AutumnGlory

I am 24 and a first-time mom as well. I do not claim to do everything perfectly, but my little one is now almost 5 months and I can't even fathom raising my child in this way. Adjusting to life as a new mom has been hard in some ways. I am used to doing everything on my time and my schedule and I am still learning how to accommodate and make the sacrifices necessary to take care of my son while still maintaining my identity. There have been times where he did not get changed right away because perhaps I was busy or distracted doing things like cleaning the house, or at times when we were out of the house for dinner with a friend or something.

I have had to learn as I go how to avoid those things, and to some moms it may come more naturally than to others.

That being said, your daughter is 29. She should be displaying more maturity.

Does she work?

The second series of thoughts coming to mind are that while your daughter is not raising this child in an ideal or mature manner, too many naps and not going outside to play are hardly enough for CPS to be involved. If she is taking her child to the doctor, then the doctor should be taking note of the baby's weight gain and if he is not hitting his developmental milestones. It is good because the doctor is a third party to this situation and can observe the health aspects of what is going on.

I have known of children being taken away from parents because they were drinking soda from their bottles. Be grateful for your grandson's sake that at least your daughter is feeding him real food. There are a lot of little children who do not play outside very much because they live in urban environments or because it is not safe or sanitary for them to do so. Even though it is heartbreaking and difficult to watch, and certainly not ideal parenting, lots of other kids are in a similar predicament for various reasons.

My cousin had a baby at 16, and his son was rarely read to and did not have strong parenting. He talked and walked late. His mom partied a lot when he was young, having people over to her house and drinking and being wild in his toddler years. He is now 17, his mom grew up and got her act together. He is a very nice young man who is graduating from high school and preparing for college next year. Our whole family was very, very worried for his well-being in those first 4 years.

Lastly, you are feeling inappropriate guilt over telling your daughter not to have an abortion. Your daughter's choices are her own, and she alone must bear the responsibility for them. There is a beautiful child in the world now, and that should never be looked at as a bad decision. I know that it is unfortunate that his mother is not caring for him very well.

Why does your daughter tell you to go away? What is the cause for the problems in your relationships? We can give you better advice if we know your story a bit more.

It seems like your daughter is very immature and selfish. Learning to be a parent is not easy and everyone makes mistakes. I know that I worry constantly about being a bad mom and if I pay enough attention to my son, etc. It is hard when you are single. I know that your daughters live together but it is still not the same as if the child's other parent were there helping.
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#6 autumnglory

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 12:05 PM

my daughter is on her way to taking her two teenage daughters to her oldest graduation today.
she told me that my daughter S did it again. for L took the day off of work to be able to celebrate
her daughter's day.
A is her 18 yr old, i could hear her in the background she sounded very upset as i was talking to
her mom (my oldest L),
i asked her what she was saying for it was hard to listen to L tell me over the phone what is happening
to S and baby M, as she is driving to the high school event.

L said, S didn't get up til 10:30am, yet at seven am, baby M was up but on couch with her asleep and shushed
him so she could go back to sleep, which she did, L said I know this because it's clear she doesn't seem to care
about the baby as in getting up with him when he does wake up, at seven or 7:30 am as I did as a mom and L did
as a MOM,,,,,,,,,,,,,,know what I mean?

because, L was home from work because of the graduation she had to go to, she saw what is probably happening
daily with baby M.
because L and I did not shush our babies to go back to sleep we chose to start a very normal day for the baby instead
of staying up all night on a computer, and i love computers...........

anyway thank you to the 24 yr old MOM, for putting her two cents in on this horrible matter............no one wants to call in the
head hunters on their own children..............and L is 42................the oldest, though they were not brought up together this is a
frigntfully awful story,.........not a tale as in peter rabbit, she recently moved in with L just almost 3mos ago, they met twice............
two different marriages of mind which explains the age differences......................I am very upset with it all and worried what is or what will happen to sweet M...................I worry of S too, for L said she is not acting right...................meaning, what..............i can't type anymore the cursor is jumping all over the place causing the text to disappear and then when I try to redo it again on new page, it appeared as if a hacker is having fun with me, my pc is possessed and now I wonder if by talking to her last night twice she called me out of the blue because I sent her a highchair that L found outside the door of her house and today is still in the box.........
yesterday the box came a few days early.....................i thought since she did not have rent to pay she had bought him a high chair........of his own instead of booster chair at six months she said she had him in .............all that money from not paying rent until she got evicted?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what next.............no welfare they would check on her..............know what I mean she is angry at me for not going to work and handing over my check to her to handle so welfare will not be involved...............and I would be in the dark too. b back..................too upset...............

#7 Caitlin

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 12:20 PM

Why does she not work?

#8 myohmy

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 01:01 PM

I'm glad you have a place to vent and post, but you should take action here. Vent away, as I know how good it feels, but please go speak with an attorney or a counselor or someone that can intervene,..or at the very least offer some counseling services to your daughter. While there are plenty of worse off children being beaten and abused and starved to death, your situation can be greatly improved before it ever comes to that. I wish you well.

#9 Caitlin

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 08:10 PM

Intervene about what? Your daughter doesn't use a high chair? She sleeps in? She is not attentive? That really sucks, but no state agency has any grounds to intervene. Is that child really better off in a foster care home where the care they will recieve is equally--if not MORE--questionable?

The issue is not intervention. The issue is your daughter getting her sh*t together and acting like an adult.

#10 DawnC

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 11:15 PM

Caitlin, maybe you haven't seen this kind of neglect up close, but as the caring mother you very much do seem to be, if you DID witness it first-hand, I can pretty much guarantee you'd recognize it and want to DO SOMETHING, just as autumnglory does.

What she's describing may sound, on the surface, to be no big deal. But haven't some of us here felt foolish talking about the ways our partners abuse us because their behavior seems so...trivial...on paper or when said out loud? All we know is how this behavior makes us feel, no matter how insignificant or subtle it might seem to others. I, for example, know the difference between a husband being "inattentive" and giving me the silent treatment.

Parenting is not about perfection, true, but it IS about caring. And if a caregiver doesn't care and is not engaged with their child, the CHILD knows...and people who observe the behavior up close very often know it, too. The same way many of us flinch at a raised eyebrow, a rolling eye, a harsh tone in someone's voice, we can know. When it is abuse, we can often feel it. When it is neglect, we can often sense it. Even if it sounds like nothing on paper or sounds foolish to someone who is not close to the situation.

Taking the story at face value, sure, I can see how someone might suggest a worried family member is overreacting...but I have read too many stories about young children being seriously wounded or killed just because they were not being supervised. They wander away from the house or eat, drink, or climb on or turn on something they shouldn't have. Every week the news talks about some preventable accident that occurred because the caregivers were stoned, drunk, sleeping, or absent. It is not a minor thing to neglect a toddler. In that context, staying up all night and "sleeping in" is dangerous, because if that child is awake, he MUST be looked after and watched over.

I don't believe a foster home is the answer, but neither is standing back and letting this neglect go on. Spoon-feeding a toddler mainly infant cereal and baby food (possibly because it is less messy than letting him feed himself) is not great, even if there are other children in this country worse off because their parents starve them. A child does not have to be underweight to be malnourished. His developing brain and body needs nutrition and a variety of foods. Neglecting his needs now may lead to problems in school and other issues.

And yes, inner city children may not get to go out to play, but I think if a reasonable adult observed an engaged parent helping a cooped up child entertain themselves indoors and a disengaged, neglectful parent forcing a crying toddler to 'take naps' they don't need so the adult doesn't have to be bothered with the child, the difference would be obvious and upsetting. Toddlers, children NEED attention and care. It is not optional...it's not just a 'it would be nice if' thing. Children who do not get these needs met suffer and those who watch helplessly from the sidelines suffer, too.

It's a difficult issue with no great answers. I have heard such bad reports from various child protective service agencies that I hesitate to even suggest involving them, but doing nothing does not seem to be a good option, either. Not from the well-being of the child's standpoint, that is.

Wish I had better answers for you, autumnglory. Go with your gut. Some people are not suited for raising kids and other people step in and help. That's why I was asking about your intentions for custody. Or perhaps grandparent's rights for visitation.




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