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I've missed you all

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#1 Hockymom



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Posted 04 June 2012 - 08:32 AM

Well in a sense but not really. My mind was always here wondering how everyone was doing but I couldn't get time away to post, couldn't get time to myself to post so I stayed away.
I'm still with stbxh and I really wish I wasn't. He sucked me back in good. Used the kids so well this last time, I just folded like a house of cards.
The honeymoon period didn't even honeymoon. He was a jerk from the moment he forced himself back in the house. No effort, no work, nothing.
So we stayed in opposite rooms, seperate beds.

This last month however I really tried. I tried to be his friend, his wife first then the mother of pity kids. We talked about stuff. I had to really think about a few things before I slammed the hammer on him once and for all. I didn't let him into my bed, I just talked to him. Opened my eyes. I thought well maybe we shouldnt waste 12 yrs.

Yep. You guessed it. The narcisstist in him could not handle being good to his wife, he wanted it all.

Saturday morning, 10 mins before we walk out the door to our kids sports function, I found dirty pics on his phone. Obviously texted from someone female to him. Some chick texted him boob/nipple pics plus other ones I didn't get to see b4 he deleted them.
The lies started, but then he said ok yea, shesy been texting me. Who? Some nurse he works with. More lies. Then more stories.
He leaves the sports field on the pretense on using the rest room, runs home, is gone forever, so I know he's home erasing things off his emails etc.

Thruout the rest of the day, story changed to she is a psycho who won't leave him alone and no matter how many times he ignores her, she keeps texting him.
So I go online and look at his phone records.
HUNDREDS of texts between them over last 3 mths. He set as many as he received. Another lie.

So he tried to say they only talked about work stuff. Yea, right you moron.
Meanwhile as soon as I found out? He texted her to warn her and say don't text me anymore right now.
She texted right back. This was mins after I found out.

So now that I've finally dumped that off my chest.........

He DENYS this was cheating. Of course. One thing you should know this is #2 texting/email/emotional affair for him within last 4 yrs, maybe even 3. First one, she was in Florida and it was his high school sweetheart. This time they worked together, she lives alone, so plenty of chances for him. But of course he's not having affair nor is she his gf

Other kicker he said to me last nite? If I were a better wife, if I weren't always so consumed with myself and my illnesses, he wouldnt have strayed. He gets invites out ALL THE TIME but he comes home.
But I should look at myself, before getting angry with him. He was only looking for a friend.

I can't let this pass again. I just cannot.

#2 claudifred



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Posted 04 June 2012 - 08:58 AM

You're right. You cannot let this pass.
It's time to go.
I'm sorry he's such a mule. :(

You deserve better. You'll get through it, I promise!

#3 oneness


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Posted 04 June 2012 - 09:04 AM

I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing! I am so sorry your h is cheating - again. I am also sorry he sucked you back in, and for what? He truly is a narcissist!

What do you plan on doing now? I am still afraid for you, because of the PA. I am sorry to say nothing you do, obviously, will get him to stop these infidelities and his lies about them. Like a true narcissist, he believes it is your fault and you have to change for him to change! Of course that means - do everything my way and take the abuse and worship me! Yuck....

(((hockey mom)))

#4 Hockymom



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Posted 04 June 2012 - 11:42 AM

Funny thing, its not related to Facebook, the usual marriage ender, lol. I refuse to friend him on FB becuz of his various and MANY female, single nurse friends. He's made me feel like a psycho jerk over this. Told his family I'm paranoid, made fun of me in front of friends. The just goes on. I still refuse to friend him becuz he won't drop said single female friends. Now the truth comes out.

His ability to contain his anger is limited. Mothers day, he had a violent anger outburst, not at me, but at some extended family during a party at his sisters. It was horrible. Our children were sobbing.

But yet again, emails from work today. He didn't cheat. He loves me. Give him another chance. Yada yada yada.
He feels shame he was caught but explains it as a nothing picture, nothing texts. We weren't doing anything.
I'm apparently stupid.

#5 DawnC



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Posted 04 June 2012 - 01:06 PM

This was a topic in the news lately, how one of the number one signs of cheating is the "caught" person insisting "you're crazy!"

You are not stupid, crazy, paranoid, wrong, etc.

In fact, it does not matter how far he actually went, which body parts may have touched other body parts---you get to decide how his behavior makes you feel. You get to choose whether his squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle is your deal-breaker or his stepping out with other women is your line in the sand.

So if some woman texting him body photos isn't cheating, then is kissing? Okay, so they kissed, but it isn't cheating until they go on a real date. So they went on a real date but it isn't cheating until she performs a sexual act. Okay, do she did that but it isn't cheating unless he...on and on. His definition and yours will never match. You get to choose.

It does not matter what he thinks about what he did or does...what do YOU think? Obviously your standards are different from his, but they are your standards.

((((((big hugs)))))) so sorry, but maybe this is the green flag to go you've been waiting for!

#6 PrudenceB


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Posted 04 June 2012 - 01:16 PM

I can tell you what GOD'S standard is: "if you THINK IT, it is cheating"

And God is never wrong.

#7 Hockymom



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Posted 04 June 2012 - 09:23 PM

Thanks girls.
I needed to come back for my sanity check. The crazy making has started and the guilt trips already got me packing.
But I'm really numb this time.
My momma, if she were alive, would be really disappointed in me over not drop kicking him yet.

#8 DawnC



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Posted 04 June 2012 - 09:40 PM

Your momma might just as easily be fighting mad, not at you, but at him. Make her your ally in your mind, by your side. Unless the idea of your momma's disappointment spurs you on, that is.

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#9 Kokoca



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Posted 04 June 2012 - 09:47 PM

heh. my Ex told me that if she dated other women that it wasn't "the same" as if she dated a man or if I dated a woman (which would have been the only thing I would have been interested in so it was a nice setup so that she could get her own way without taking any risk with me straying.)

Like Dawn pointed out. It doesn't really matter what they think. It matters what you think and how you feel. Him telling you that you're wrong or overreacting or that you don't understand is completely ridiculous and you don't have to buy in to it.

The feelings around all that can take a fair bit of sorting out. I got stuck real bad. I believed in "live and let live". I had a general philosophical idea that relationships could take other forms (and I've gone on to happily prove that). She neede me to support her. I had two little kids who I didn't want to lose. So I stuck around. But the story behind the story was that our relationship was dysfunctional. I had already been starting to wonder how I was going to "live forever after" with her and it ultimately had nothing to do with her dalliances.

it was all about how we communicated, our value systems, the level of trust (or not) that we had.

It isn't about sex: You can't trust him. You can't trust him to be truthful or to respect your feelings or to listen to your concerns. Ironically, he's the really thick one: if he had half a brain, half an inkling that you might have feelings and that he might have to be on his best behaviour, he would have cut off contact with this woman 100%, He's pretty arrogant to think he can manipulate you that way.

Sorry you are going through this but I think you're going to do just fine.


#10 donnelle


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Posted 04 June 2012 - 10:00 PM

Thing is, a man who loves you would not do this! A man who is really trying to make his relationship work doesn't give out his cell number to other women. Work talk can happen during work. He must really think he's special!

That said, I think facebook is a real problem in some relationships these days.

Edited by donnelle, 04 June 2012 - 10:01 PM.

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