Jump to content


Photo

Mind Games? UGH!


  • Please log in to reply
35 replies to this topic

#1 RealWoman26

RealWoman26

    Little Kitty

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 311 posts

Posted 30 May 2012 - 05:13 PM

I have been in a small battle with my BF for the last 3 weeks. its an ego battle is best I can see it. He wants to be in control and can not. So at any rate to make a long story short, my dad seems to think hes playing mind games with me now.

about 2 weeks ago BF sent me a text saying we needed to find a way to seperate agreeablly. I said ok what is going on in your mind? he says he can't trust me. I asked why. I got no response.

Last night late he sends me a message telling me I broke his heart. I asked how so. I go a response that said I don't think there is anything u could do to make us right again. I asked again what I did and got no response.
I told him I love him and I was sorry for the way he felt and if he didn't tell me what was going on I had no answers for him as to why.

I got no response until today that said I seen how much you loved me. I said why cause I popped off with a smart mouth while we were arguing he said no its what you did. I asked again what that was and got no response.

I finally told him we needed to set down and talk face to face so I know whats going on with him and that if he no longer wanted to be with me I need an explantion in person as I put alot of stock into him as a man and that I desearve to know whats going on. I said May 9th is the last time you told me you loved me and I don't see how it just suddenly stopped in less than a month. Still no response.

I have no idea what I have done and I think I am right in wanting to know what it is that has changed his tune.

My dad is a great man and is trying to help me keep my spirits up, he said something today that was funny given my history with Verbally and Emotionally Abusive men. He said why do you always fall for jerks. I told him they find me and treat me like a princess and then when they have me BAM they change. He said baby girl you best start learning to sniff out the stinkys. I told you since you were a little girl that all boys but me have cooties. lol.
  • Mango likes this

#2 RealWoman26

RealWoman26

    Little Kitty

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 311 posts

Posted 30 May 2012 - 05:15 PM

Oh also he did reply once with I have to tell you what you did you never gave a (insert bad word here) to begin with.


I am so totally lost into what the heck is going on. grrrr.

#3 thebewilderness

thebewilderness

    Cat

  • Member +
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,259 posts

Posted 30 May 2012 - 08:54 PM

When you ask a person a direct question several times and they refuse to answer it you have good reason to believe they are being dishonest with you. When they tell you that they shouldn't have to tell you, it is your job to read their mind and conform to their expectations without them telling you what they are, you are talking to an emotional abuser.
You did something so extreme that it is a deal breaker to your bf but you don't know what it is and he won't tell you? BS.
Either he is schooling you in how much you need to beg to get him to tell you what you did wrong so you can beg his forgiveness
or
he met someone else
or
he is dumping you because he is having a harder time teaching you to tolerate his abuse than he expected to.

Those are just a few possibilities right off the top of my head. What is obvious is that he is jerking you around. The question for you is why would you want to continue a relationship with someone who jerks you around.
Abusers usually can't keep up the pretense of being "nice guys" for very long, so it is a good idea to go very slow in developing relationships so you don't get in too deep before the red flags start to fly.
Repeatedly refusing to answer a direct question is a giant red flag.
  • RealWoman26 and lionheart like this

#4 PrudenceB

PrudenceB

    Former Admin, PHD (Poser Hatin' Degree)

  • Former Admin
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,708 posts

Posted 30 May 2012 - 09:27 PM

ditto big time.

I think it is really important that you leave him now and stay away.

Please listen to your father. As hard as it is to "lose the investment", consider how much harder it will be one year, 5 years or 20 years from now when all of that is invested. Please leave this man. He is being abusive and is playing games. It is only the beginning.

#5 SteffieB

SteffieB

    Catlet

  • Member +
  • PipPipPip
  • 739 posts

Posted 30 May 2012 - 10:19 PM

Agreed with both of you. This is typical abuser nonsense here. I can't tell you how many deal-breaker "crimes" I committed against my xbf that I had to pull out of him. Not one of them was actually anything impressive, but he was soooooo very hurt by them, lol. It only gets worse, and you can bet that it won't just "get worse", it'll get a lot worse. This will NOT get better. There are sane and decent men out there, I promise you that. This behavior is not normal and it is not in the least bit rational or healthy.
  • Mango likes this

#6 lionheart

lionheart

    Cat

  • Member +
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,609 posts

Posted 31 May 2012 - 11:32 AM

I totally agree with everything the bewilderness wrote above, and I'm sorry you're going through this. But this part of your post jumped out at me:

...I think I am right in wanting to know what it is that has changed his tune.


I would like to hear why you believe you have a right to know what your BF is thinking. Why do you feel entitled to that? From where I sit I think you have a right to make decisions about your own life and to make choices for yourself about what you will do based on your BF's statements and actions and that's it. I don't see how you or anyone has a right to know what anyone else is thinking, to me that smacks of a sense of ownership over another person and their thoughts. I don't get it and I wish you or someone could explain it for me.

#7 PrudenceB

PrudenceB

    Former Admin, PHD (Poser Hatin' Degree)

  • Former Admin
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,708 posts

Posted 31 May 2012 - 03:20 PM

LH-

I think what realwoman is getting at is clear communication. As a person in a relationship, we do have rights, including to know what the other person in the relationship is thinking as it concerns our ability to make well informed decisions about what we will and will not do for ourselves.

For example, I had a right to know that narc was thinking I was an object and not a person. I had that right because I based my decisions on false information and therefore i made decisions that ultimately hurt me. I would have decided differently had he shared what was in his head. We have a right to know what a person wants from us and what they are and are not willing to give. Those are the implicit elements of a relationship that are agreed upon in the beginning so the relationship can progress with mutual understanding. Breaking those agreements without discussion is a betrayal and speaks to lack of integrity. It destroys trust.

We also have a right to understand clearly accusations and we have a right to receive answers to questions which seek to clarify what the accuser is saying. whether or not the disagreement can be resolved is another matter, but we have a basic right to have a clear explanation of a problem from a person we are in a relationship with. Otherwise that is the childish tantrum of blame and run.

But you know that- I am pontificating for the sake of the post.

I think this is what realwoman is getting at. I could be wrong, but I would wager. Let her speak for herself.

#8 RealWoman26

RealWoman26

    Little Kitty

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 311 posts

Posted 31 May 2012 - 03:46 PM

I just feel like if someone tells me I did something such as he did in that I broke his heart I have the right to know why so I can figure out what I did, if he is justified in his thoughts or just jerking me around.

I did hear from him today after I had sent him a message and told him that we needed to talk and that I love him and either figure out what was going on so we could move forward or let go.
He told me I had to right to tell him I love him when I pissed all over him... I was like OMG, I knew right then what I had did to "hurt" him. I stood up for myself to him!!! When we were arguing I didn't just take it. I defended myself each time with him. I responded to him that I had a right to be defensive when he was bullying me. He said well your not gonna disrespect me like that ever again. He said you might find someone someday who lets you talk & treat them how ever you want but it won't be me!

I sat there looking and rereading the text and thought WTH how can he say I was so wrong in defending myself against his anger and bulliness towards me when he was upset. Is it not the same exact thing he was doing to me and I just went in to defense mode and gave it right back!!??

I litterly had to LOL at bewilderness when it was mentioned he is having a harder time teaching me to accept his abuse than he thought.
we have been together about 3 yrs and 98% of it has been wonderful. The other is because he can not stand me being independant or because I always stand up for myself. He was in a marriage for 17 yrs where she was a mouse and did everything like he said and he was misreable. He has told me so many times that he doesn't want a doormat that he can walk all over and he doesn't want a woman with no backbone like her. WELL LOOK I am that girl and yet he hates it. Confuses me. lol

I am was in an abusive mentally/emotional/verbal relationship before and from that I took alot of knowledge and I won't put up with things anymore to some extent. I have no patience for drama anymore or the mind games. He knows this, he knows my history. He even once mentioned that my ex husband ruined me for any other man, and I laughed and said why cause he educated me on what not to put up with.

Although with that said I do love him very much, and he is better to me than any other man I have ever been with that 98% of the time. I have a hard time letting go of the thoughts how we are so close and when he makes love to me its the most emotional connection to anyone I have ever felt in my life and I feel that in everyday life with him when he is not conviencing himself that I have disrepected him.
So I have reasoned with myself that I should at least try to salvage our relationship and if he can not get past me sticking up for myself then I will move on.

#9 pattycakes57

pattycakes57

    Big Cat

  • Member +
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,360 posts

Posted 31 May 2012 - 05:53 PM

I think what realwoman is getting at is honest, truthful, clear communication. As a person in a relationship, we do have rights, including to know what the other person in the relationship is thinking as it concerns our ability to make well informed decisions about what we will and will not do for ourselves. YES! We have the right--especially with an intimate partner--to ask for and expect to receive the TRUTH. It does not mean that we have the right to know EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT that the other person is thinking. But we DO have the right to the TRUTH as it applies to ourselves! Like I've mentioned in previous posts, had *I* known the truth in previous relationships, I would have made completely different choices, includind discontinuing the relationship(s). Perhaps they either sensed or knew this on one level, which is why they decided NOT to tell me the truth about what they were thinking.

For example, I had a right to know that narc was thinking I was an object and not a person. I had that right because I based my decisions on false information and therefore i made decisions that ultimately hurt me. I would have decided differently had he shared what was in his head. Same here...We have a right to know what a person wants from us and what they are and are not willing to give. Yes, especially if you ASK them! Those are the implicit elements of a relationship that are agreed upon in the beginning so the relationship can progress with mutual understanding. Breaking those agreements without discussion is a betrayal and speaks to lack of integrity. It destroys trust. And trust and honesty is the BASIS for a relationship, even being honest from the beginning, and telling someone that you do not WANT a relationship with that person.

We also have a right to understand clearly accusations and we have a right to receive TRUTHFUL answers to questions which seek to clarify what the accuser is saying. whether or not the disagreement can be resolved is another matter, but we have a basic right to have a clear explanation of a problem from a person we are in a relationship with. Otherwise that is the childish tantrum of blame and run. This is exactly how I felt, Prudence.


Some people enter into a relationship believing that they are entitled to keep ALL or MOST of their thoughts *private*. They will reveal only SOME of their thoughts to their partner, but not enough for any reasonable partner to make a sound decision. This can be seen as a form of "withholding" or "control", and is not condusive to intimacy. If you want intimacy in a relationship, you need to 'reveal' yourself. In Realwoman's case, I see her b/f as trying to control the information that she has a right to know in order to make a sound decision for herself. She has asked him for information, and he has refused to give it to her when asked. Yes, she can move on without it, if she wants to, but I just gotta ask...

...If he WANTS this relationship to work, then WHY is he 'withholding' this information in the first place? Seems to me that IF he wants a REAL relationship with a TRUE PARTNER, he'd be more forthcoming about what he wants FROM Realwoman and what he is willing to give TO her. Once the cards are on the table then BOTH of them can make better decisions for themselves.


Pattycakes
  • RealWoman26 likes this

#10 thebewilderness

thebewilderness

    Cat

  • Member +
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,259 posts

Posted 31 May 2012 - 07:27 PM

So you figured it out yourself without him having to come right out and tell you something that would make him look bad to himself and show you who he really is.
Please think carefully. You standing up for yourself against his bullying is a deal breaker for this man, or so he says.
Maybe it simply warrants the punishment he has been putting you through for three weeks!
Either way he is being a manipulative jerk 100% of the time for the past three weeks.
Unless you know his ex you have only his word for what their relationship was like.
Think things through very carefully now while you can see relatively clearly. How many times do you think you are willing to be put through this particular mind game in the future? If you standing up for yourself is a deal breaker you need to be honest with him and with yourself and break up with him.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users